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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
I received that valuable information and I made a commitment to her that I would in the future, when I felt I needed some alone time to think, tell her beforehand that I need some time to think and that my quietness has nothing to do with her and that I am not pulling away from her or trying to shut her out of my life in any way.
Giving her "the silent treatment for days" does not become acceptable just because you warn her you are going to do it.

Why on earth do you need "time alone to think"? Can't you think while you're in the bathroom?

Your quietness has everything to do with her, and you are indeed trying to shut her out of your life for the length of time that you "need some time to think and to be quiet". If what you do is stay away from her, or, alternatively, stay in the same room as her but refuse to interact because you want to "think" - which means not to talk to her - then that is directly about her. It's insulting and unpleasant.

Has it occurred to you that you need to be pleasant to live with, if you want your wife to be in love with you and meet your needs? How does needing to be silent when she wants to interact with you count as being pleasant?

Good grief.


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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Yes that is the restraint I referenced. That was her choice of words not mine. I can recall no other times when she has complained about this.

Have you ever physically restrained her prior to this?

Your wording indicates this is something you do but she hasn't complained about it before.


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Yes I have physically restrained my wife before this. I remember distinctly back when we were dating her having to leave and me holding on to her because I did not want those times to end either. For me that feeling is still there and if anything it is stronger than it was then. Somehow it was received differently then.

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I understand what you are saying about my quietness affecting her because it is unpleasant for her. I also see it now as a selfish demand. There was no negotiation beforehand how we would spend the day. I just decided I needed some quiet time. I can see that clearly. That was definitely selfish on my part.

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The past failure she brought up was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. I had gone outside for an early morning walk while she slept. When I returned she awoke and went into the washroom. I undressed and climbed into the warm spot in the bed to warm up. I put the TV on and then put my hands between my legs under the covers to warm them so they would be warm when she returned. When she came out of the bathroom she saw me sitting in bed with my hands between my legs watching TV, the home improvement channel if I remember correctly. After her comments I pulled back the covers to show her I was not aroused and had no erection. Clearly she did think it was truly happening in the moment but I showed her that I was not aroused and I truly was not watching for the purpose of being aroused. We did discuss the incident on the drive home and it was pleasant enough and I believe constructive. Only after the discussion I still had a nagging feeling that something was bothering me. It is definitely possible that she perceived my reply as blame shifting, but that was not my intent. Regarding checking her phone, I already stated that I apologized immediately. Also, we had prior discussions about not responding to the phone during UA time. Is that not what the U in UA time is all about?

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Any woman would feel unsafe if a man physically restrains her.
It doesn't matter how quickly you apologize.

Quote
The past failure she brought up was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. I had gone outside for an early morning walk while she slept. When I returned she awoke and went into the washroom. I undressed and climbed into the warm spot in the bed to warm up. I put the TV on and then put my hands between my legs under the covers to warm them so they would be warm when she returned. When she came out of the bathroom she saw me sitting in bed with my hands between my legs watching TV, the home improvement channel if I remember correctly. After her comments I pulled back the covers to show her I was not aroused and had no erection. Clearly she did think it was truly happening in the moment but I showed her that I was not aroused and I truly was not watching for the purpose of being aroused. We did discuss the incident on the drive home and it was pleasant enough and I believe constructive. Only after the discussion I still had a nagging feeling that something was bothering me. It is definitely possible that she perceived my reply as blame shifting, but that was not my intent.
This is not a problem of the past -- you triggered her, and it is a problem that is very real in the present for her.


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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
The past failure she brought up was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. I had gone outside for an early morning walk while she slept. When I returned she awoke and went into the washroom. I undressed and climbed into the warm spot in the bed to warm up. I put the TV on and then put my hands between my legs under the covers to warm them so they would be warm when she returned. When she came out of the bathroom she saw me sitting in bed with my hands between my legs watching TV, the home improvement channel if I remember correctly. After her comments I pulled back the covers to show her I was not aroused and had no erection. Clearly she did think it was truly happening in the moment but I showed her that I was not aroused and I truly was not watching for the purpose of being aroused. We did discuss the incident on the drive home and it was pleasant enough and I believe constructive. Only after the discussion I still had a nagging feeling that something was bothering me. It is definitely possible that she perceived my reply as blame shifting, but that was not my intent. Regarding checking her phone, I already stated that I apologized immediately. Also, we had prior discussions about not responding to the phone during UA time. Is that not what the U in UA time is all about?

I thought you said this happened in the PAST? The way you describe, it had just happened? Did this happen years ago or am I reading you wrong?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
The past failure she brought up was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. I had gone outside for an early morning walk while she slept. When I returned she awoke and went into the washroom. I undressed and climbed into the warm spot in the bed to warm up. I put the TV on and then put my hands between my legs under the covers to warm them so they would be warm when she returned. When she came out of the bathroom she saw me sitting in bed with my hands between my legs watching TV, the home improvement channel if I remember correctly. After her comments I pulled back the covers to show her I was not aroused and had no erection. Clearly she did think it was truly happening in the moment but I showed her that I was not aroused and I truly was not watching for the purpose of being aroused. We did discuss the incident on the drive home and it was pleasant enough and I believe constructive. Only after the discussion I still had a nagging feeling that something was bothering me. It is definitely possible that she perceived my reply as blame shifting, but that was not my intent. Regarding checking her phone, I already stated that I apologized immediately. Also, we had prior discussions about not responding to the phone during UA time. Is that not what the U in UA time is all about?
Have you had issues with porn?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You are reading me wrong. This was a recent incident but it triggered her in her mind to an incident of the past where I actually was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. The point is that this recent time I was not. Yes she was triggered but what she saw that triggered her was not actually happening. It looked like it might be happening but she was mistaken. I think Dr. Harley teaches not to bring up past failures, particularly during UA time does he not?

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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
You are reading me wrong. This was a recent incident but it triggered her in her mind to an incident of the past where I actually was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. The point is that this recent time I was not. Yes she was triggered but what she saw that triggered her was not actually happening. It looked like it might be happening but she was mistaken. I think Dr. Harley teaches not to bring up past failures, particularly during UA time does he not?

No, you are very wrong. She addressed a CURRENT event, not a PAST event. She saw your hands under the covers and addressed it. It doesn't matter if it wasn't happening, she thought it WAS. So this was not in the PAST. And you should stop trying to shut her up. WE KNOW WHAT DR. HARLEY TEACHES, SIR.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
TWhen I returned she awoke and went into the washroom. I undressed and climbed into the warm spot in the bed to warm up. I put the TV on and then put my hands between my legs under the covers to warm them so they would be warm when she returned. When she came out of the bathroom she saw me sitting in bed with my hands between my legs watching TV, the home improvement channel if I remember correctly. After her comments I pulled back the covers to show her I was not aroused and had no erection.

This event was not in the PAST in relation to her comments. We do know the difference between past and present.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
I think Dr. Harley teaches not to bring up past failures, particularly during UA time does he not?

She is not motivated to follow Dr. Harley's teachings.

If you want to save your marriage, you're going to need to start following them.

One thing you need to do is quit explaining why you believe she should feel different. That's the heart of disrespect, and is a complete violation of everything Dr. Harley teaches, and she can smell it a mile away.

Do you want to turn this around and save your marriage, or do you want to try to compile a list of your wife's faults?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Indianajordan, with that history and because watching TV triggers your wife (brings your past into her present), why watch it at all?

Every time you watch TV she is likely wondering if you are comparing her to any woman who appears on the screen. You have unfortunately been quite hurtful in the ways you have let her know that she does not arouse you like other women do. Every time you watch TV, all of that is likely recalled into her present.

Can you stop watching TV? You could read or find a hobby to keep you occupied during your down time.





Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Yes I very much do want to save my marriage. I asked above what applying the program unilaterally looks like under the conditions of our separation.

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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
Yes I very much do want to save my marriage. I asked above what applying the program unilaterally looks like under the conditions of our separation.

I would try using the program to attract her back. I wouldn't use the program to get her in line, but start using it yourself.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Indianajordan
I asked above what applying the program unilaterally looks like under the conditions of our separation.

IJ, do you have a todo list of things written down from this thread that we have suggested that you do?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes I believe I could stop watching TV. We lived a couple years without a TV before we had children and after the children started arriving we lived 15 years without one and we only got one then because our oldest went out and bought one. Even then it was mostly used for games. I much prefer reading or other activities.

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I hear what you are saying. I will use the program only for myself. Clearly I am more than enough for me to handle. Thank you

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Update: Soon to be divorced.

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