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I will be wasting Dr Harley's valuable time. Why don't you allow him to decide that? He's a very generous man.
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Today has not been very productive but I'm making progress with the letter. However, I feel that we are about to quit from making any progress. An update...
Late yesterday, I put my phone on silent so that I could work. She had been trying to contact me. She then came to my apartment to see how I was. She was going call the authorities as she thought I had killed myself. When she found that I was safe, she then said that I had taken again from her and taken advantage of her good nature. The diatribe that followed consisted of: I'm an emotional abuser, the five (yes five - all simultaneously) affairs I was meant to have, the fact that she gave her life for me, I am also meant to have slept with more females in the time we have been separated and so on. She talked about divorce and said that if we were ever to get back together she "swears here and now" that sexual intimacy will never happen.
I am at my wits end. I took a day from work and this is getting into my sleep and my eating routines. Without wishing to sound defeatist, I feel that we are heading into legal territory here and that I will be wasting Dr Harley's valuable time. By not contacting him, you are wasting your own time. His is not some unapproachable haughty guy. He has a brilliant way of seeing marital dynamics and zeroing in on possible theories of the problem, and potential plans. None of these should hurt you legally. Don't feel embarrassed. He is not one to judge, and his rules are written as compensation for our basic human instincts. If he can't help, he will tell you.
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She informed the authorities that I had physically assaulted her. In the fight that took place of the allegation, I tried to calm her down and hug her. I then pushed her onto the bed and attempted to stop her from punching me. Apparently, and this is something I did not know (which is an indication of how na�ve I am), if you push a woman it is classified as criminal assault. I felt, at the time, that I had gone too far owing to her physical size, so I removed myself from the situation.
She also states that I have emotionally abused her with pornography and multiple affairs. The former I have cleared my name and she does not mention. The latter have cut contact, we have moved house and I quit the job. I have taken precautions. She has full access to my phone, my emails, my checking account and my credit card. Everything is open and transparent. I hoped that this would be closure, but she does not see it that way and constantly keeps reminding me of it.
However, as I mentioned, I feel this is now history and clearly so much damage has been done to her that she will (a) never trust me and (b) feel in danger with me around.
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I then pushed her onto the bed and attempted to stop her from punching me. Apparently, and this is something I did not know (which is an indication of how na�ve I am), if you push a woman it is classified as criminal assault. Will you be able to never lay a hand on her again? Were you angry? Are you willing to take a polygraph?
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So why would Dr H suggest something that goes against the principles of happiness and marriage? Again, I don't understand. Did Dr. Harley recommend to your wife that she separate? If this is the case, then even more reason to contact him.
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Yes Prisca. I can say that I will never lay a finger on her again. I was angry. Looking back, I think it was because she would not remain calm, but instead was brining up the emotional turmoil again.
It is shameful to say, but what I did must have had an immense impact on her feeling of safety with me around. If I was in her shoes, I would keep well away from me. But I did what I did without thinking. In all my years, I have never intentionally meant to hurt her in any way. I did not marry for this reason. However, the harm is now done. As I have mentioned before, she is now in full withdrawal and I have a fear that she will never come back. I have asked her many times if we can be the same ever again, and he reply was "things will never ever be the same".
So, what are my options? To live with my wife who I love but who has a fear and hatred of me. Am I alone? Is there anyone who has overcome the devastation that we are in now?
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I have emailed Dr Harley this day and I'll wait his reply.
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Yes Prisca. I can say that I will never lay a finger on her again. I was angry. Looking back, I think it was because she would not remain calm, but instead was brining up the emotional turmoil again. How do you know you will never lay a finger on her again? You were angry and not thinking ... couldn't that happen again? Have you taken anger management? Have you read what Dr. Harley teaches on anger?
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I am at my wits end. I took a day from work and this is getting into my sleep and my eating routines. Without wishing to sound defeatist, I feel that we are heading into legal territory here and that I will be wasting Dr Harley's valuable time. 23, I strongly recommend that you see your doctor and get antidepressants prescribed for the short to mid term and write Dr. Harley immediately and see what he thinks can be done.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Apparently, and this is something I did not know (which is an indication of how na�ve I am), if you push a woman it is classified as criminal assault. Would you agree that pushing a woman should be classified as assault? She also states that I have emotionally abused her with pornography and multiple affairs. In light of the pain it causes, would you agree that a woman whose husband has used pornography has the right to separate from him, divorce him, and/or never see or talk to him again? How about a woman whose husband has committed adultery against her?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have emailed Dr Harley this day and I'll wait his reply. Did you mention the affairs to Dr. Harley? Has your wife ever contacted Dr. Harley? Has she ever been on this board?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So, what are my options? To live with my wife who I love but who has a fear and hatred of me. Am I alone? Is there anyone who has overcome the devastation that we are in now? Sure, but they are the people who became extremely cooperative, answered the questions asked of them, told the whole truth without leaving out any important details, followed the recovery plan wholeheartedly without dragging their feet on any points at all, etc.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, I did mention the affairs to Dr Harley and have stated the nature of my wife's suspicions of these emotional affairs. She stated to me at the time of discovering female work workers company telephone numbers in my contact list that it was not acceptable. I removed them, and in the process made it difficult to carry out my job function. Work did not understand it, and to this day they do not know why having such telephone numbers was wrong. Anyhow, eventually, I quit the job to prove that nothing had happened. To me, suspicions of betrayal were enough for positive action to be taken.
My wife has not contacted Dr Harley. Knowing her all these years, she is very reluctant to seek help and instead wants to resolve issues herself and in her own way. I have shown her the MB internet materials, and she appeared keen.
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Would you agree that pushing a woman should be classified as assault?
In light of the pain it causes, would you agree that a woman whose husband has used pornography has the right to separate from him, divorce him, and/or never see or talk to him again? How about a woman whose husband has committed adultery against her? Yes, I agree. In fact, I accepted my wrongs and took the initiative to separate. My wife, though has always asked me to stay and lets work it out and I could sleep in another bedroom. I have never slept with another woman, but she does have a right to divorce and that is maybe what is on her mind right now. I am waiting for Dr Harley's advice. I have tried everything, including the pastor. He gave up, saying it was far too complex and torrid. If a man of God cannot help, I feel resigned to accept the outcome of my wife's wishes. But, as you correctly point out, they may lead us to destruction.
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How do you know you will never lay a finger on her again? You were angry and not thinking ... couldn't that happen again?
Have you taken anger management?
Have you read what Dr. Harley teaches on anger? I will be attending a course for abusive husbands which includes anger management. I have also listened to the radio broadcast about Anger Management 101 and am taking in Dr Harley's practical advice. I understand the biochemistry involved and, as part of my fitness regimen, am going back to apply my knowledge of Yoga relaxation techniques. I will never become angry again not matter what, Prisca. That is my mantra. The consequences are far too damaging for both me and my wife, so instead I will take a break from the situation to think about why we are both yelling at each other and attempt to avoid the demands and disrespect.
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23, I strongly recommend that you see your doctor and get antidepressants prescribed for the short to mid term and write Dr. Harley immediately and see what he thinks can be done. Markos, I am unwilling to take medication. I prefer to rely on my own strength and moments of clear-headedness to see this through. It is traumatic - I simply have no appetite and have not eaten for the third day now. I will toss and turn at night, with bouts of profuse sweating when I start to think of the consequences of everything that is happening. But, after a few hours, and lots of tears and asking "why us", it all subsides. My emotions and feelings must be common for everyone in my situation, as I am no different. The one thing that always pulls me up is the smile and look on my wife's face when I explain something to her that she did not know. We both shared a love of music and when I told her about a fact associated with a song, her face lightened-up. Recalling such happy moments is the best anti-depressant for me in my situation can have.
Last edited by 23Yrs; 07/29/16 05:04 PM.
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I have emailed Dr Harley this day and I'll wait his reply. Let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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23, I strongly recommend that you see your doctor and get antidepressants prescribed for the short to mid term and write Dr. Harley immediately and see what he thinks can be done. Markos, I am unwilling to take medication. I prefer to rely on my own strength and moments of clear-headedness to see this through. Yeah, I had the same idea, and then after 3 years of struggling like that I finally realized how foolish I was being to reject Dr. Harley's advice on this subject. Just 2-3 short months of medication and I was able to think clearer and override my emotions in order to stick with the plan that would actually make things better for me. Then I didn't need medication, because things were better. The plan doesn't work if you can't follow it because you are a basket case. It didn't work for me in that case.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yeah, I had the same idea, and then after 3 years of struggling like that I finally realized how foolish I was being to reject Dr. Harley's advice on this subject. Just 2-3 short months of medication and I was able to think clearer and override my emotions in order to stick with the plan that would actually make things better for me. Then I didn't need medication, because things were better.
The plan doesn't work if you can't follow it because you are a basket case. It didn't work for me in that case. Same here when I had PTSD after a bad car accident. After at least 2 years of never sleeping well at night and several doctors recommending AD's I finally took them and it was life changing for the better. 23yrs I definitely understand the resistance to the idea of taking something, but what changed my mind was that I did research on how they work - they are helping your brain make better use it's own chemicals/hormones. They are not like a narcotic or anti-anxiety med that is adding a drug to your bloodstream and changing your brain chemistry. You might read up on "seratonin reuptake inhibitors" if you want to learn more. Lots of exercise and good diet will help some. But if you're experiencing these horrible emotions at night you aren't sleeping well, and if you aren't sleeping well you will break down emotionally and physically over time. Good luck.
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