What makes it harder is that it is tomorrow, one year to the very day that our family discovered her affair. I am still experiencing small daily breakdowns, and that 24 thought loop has not subsided.

I have also been told just recently, by my children, that my WW entered and "supposedly" quickly ended another "relationship" with a co-worker. Some kid 13 years her junior and less than 10 years older than our oldest daughter. I was directed to a "soundcloud" link of this person composing cheesy bad homemade love songs to her and uploading them online.
My children told me "They were not really seeing each other, but broke up".
(whatever that means)

Perhaps someone might be able to give advice on what should be made clear to the mediator?
Do I mention her having affairs and directly exposing my children to them ?
From what I believe I have learned here, they will take none of it into consideration.

What I should/ should not convey to my WW?
Can I use this as an opportunity to try and express desire to recover?

I would not use mediation as a tool for recovery. This is a tool for you to protect your children (custody) and property. That is your focus.

What went wrong with you and your younger children? Why are they siding with their mom? Have you nurtured a relationship with them? I can only infer from your post that you have lost a connection with them. It sounds like you have a lot of lost time to make up with them. If I were in your shoes I would meet with them and let them know that you plan to ask for joint custody (if that is your desire).

Even though mediation is not the place for you to work on recovering your marriage, if you are in Plan A, then you should find ways OUTSIDE of mediation and other legal proceedings to let your wife know that you still love her, and you should find ways to fill her love bank even if you are living apart.

If you are in Plan B, then you cannot express a desire to recover, because you already did that in your Plan B letter and you need to recover yourself by keeping away from her.

I will focus on the children and (recovery) of property.
* If presented an opportunity, I feel I might express that I do not want any of this. That a much brighter path is there to take.

I do not know what happened with the children.
We had a wonderful relationship our whole lives, and also within the time after my WW walked out and moved to her mothers. They even initiated conversation about "moving on without mom".

I had explained earlier in this thread my WW had no time for them, while her first (long term) affair was in full practice.
Once that started to dissolve, she started asking me for her to spend time with them, and I never refused. We had an agreed schedule between us and she broke it within only a few weeks.

It culminated in her waiting until I was at work one day in early June, and completed her plan (unknown to me) to take them from home and have my oldest daughter bring all of their belongings and most of the family furniture to her mothers.
It took finding a lawyer, 5 months time and filing an emergency petition to see them again.

While they were gone, we communicated through phone calls and text messages. Slowly they stopped responding and/ or telling me to stop talking to them. I was then reduced to sending good night texts, without replies.

The emergency petition and finding a lawyer, resulted in a now temporary agreement, in which I would/ will have them 2 to 3 days per week (but could not take them home). I wanted more, but she would not agree and I was instructed to go with what she said or I would not see them at all, until a court ruling.

Upon our first time back together it was instantly clear they were what I can only describe as poisoned. Their personalities were changed 180 degrees and had hostility toward me I had never seen before. This was now all my fault (without providing explanation). I was bad because I "hurt" their mom (again without explanation). That I was a mean and terrible dad who never cared about them.

Counseling has helped my youngest and we are restoring quickly.
Although the temporary agreement states my WW will work with me to provide counseling for the children and myself, she has refused to do anything whatsoever. In fact she has violated several aspects of the agreement several times.

I have told my lawyer several times, I want physical guardianship, but he pushes back on my requests. He has also stated he is going to ask that my WW be held in contempt, but never does it.

you need a new lawyer also she brainwashed the kids

I was about to respond to and expand on the replies just above and mention and ask for some advice about some developments, both good and bad. But the latest occurrence just happened, that I would like to ask about and address first.

It has been just under a year since exposure of the long term affair with OM1. I just heard from my WW (whom surprisingly seems a little willing to talk more... although far from any major leap forward) and she seems to still believe my exposing to our friends, family and the OM's BW and friends, was a vindictive act.

* She did originally receive a copy of the letter I sent one of OM1's friends. (It went from one of OM's friends, to him, to her) It very much stuck closely to the outline from the 101 thread here, including the explanation that I love and care about her.

I have not responded to this as of yet, but would like to again show her it was not that way in any form.

I typed up an initial rough response that I would like to ask opinions on... and am wondering if it is the right thing to do/ send... and/or how I might need to alter it.

Thank You.


<< I want to softly and very honestly express that by asking those whom care about us, and those concerned and affected, for help and support, was and is an essential, honest and caring step toward success. I am sorry you are still upset with letting those whom care about us and our family know the truth. Those whom care about us, including our wonderful and understanding family, want to do all they can to help us succeed. Truth with affection is a far easier and supportive, than secrecy. It was to affectionately help us to create honesty and openness. To overcome destructive behavior. To help us. Not to humiliate or cause distrust. Everything done, at every moment, has been to help both of us move away from a destructive course and create honesty and affection.
I treasure our marriage and our family. Letting people know the truth was an act of caring and an intimate showing, from the beginning, that I am doing all I can to help us to heal and move toward the brightest path. >>

Revised...

<< I want to softly and very honestly express that by asking those whom care about us, and those concerned and affected, for help and support, was and is an essential, honest and caring step toward success. It was to lovingly ask for us to have support. To let them and everyone know I am wiling to do all needed to fight for your, ours and our children's happiness. To heal our marriage, to show I love and care about you.
I am sorry you are still upset with letting those whom care about us and our family know the truth. Those whom care, including our wonderful and understanding family, want to do all they can to help us succeed. Truth with love and affection is a far easier, supportive and gentle than secrecy and deceit.
It was to affectionately help us to create honesty and openness.
To overcome destructive behavior. To help us and all involved. Not to humiliate or as an act of revenge in any form.
Everything done, at every moment, has been to help both of us move away from a destructive course and create honesty and affection. I treasure our marriage and our family. Letting people know the truth was an act of caring and an intimate showing, from the beginning, that I am doing all I can to help us to heal and move toward the brightest path. >>


* It is a struggle not to add it was also to expose a POS manipulator from continuing to intrude on our family's lives. Even she knows he lied to her as much they were lying to everyone else. I instead wrote "...those concerned and affected" and "...To help us and all involved".

Internal thought:
She is still under the thought that I am a #*&%$ for telling our and his friends. No apparent concern of the pain, and disappointment they brought to everyone they know on this Earth. It is strange...They would tell each other they were "going to be with each other forever and a day" and had "no regrets for doing what they were doing". Now...I am a (bad word) for being the cause of people knowing(?) If no regrets... Why not tell the world?
I have learned here, that is how it usually is, but still not much understanding of why.

You can't reason with a wayward. Keep it short and simple. "I'm sorry your affair has caused so much devastation to your life and our family. I love you and I'm willing to recover our marriage and family."

You response is too long and groveling. You didn't do anything wrong and by acting like you did, you're playing HER game. Don't send your version. It's not going to help the situation.

Thank you. I will keep it that much shorter.

I wanted to directly address her comment about still thinking I exposed the affair for revenge. She is still angry that OM1 was exposed and that I am the bad guy for outing him and letting the people we know, know about the two of them.

I understand the above suggestion addresses this, but she will not pick up on the fact that I am referring to her specific comment. She said this to me on the phone, and if I am to respond, it will be in an email.

I will need to preface it with something like...
<< You had said asking people to support and help us was vindictive. It was not... (followed by the above suggested reply).

Does this seem alright?

She will not/can not receive a message like this. She is in the fog and HAS to believe you are the enemy to make sense of/and avoid her own destructiveness. Putting it back in her court by reminding her that HER AFFAIR is what caused all the damage is the best response IMO. If she ever gets out of the fog, she will understand that your motives weren't vindictive.

I realize you still love her and want to heal the marriage. Still, you don't need to suck up to her and if you do (these letters, though genuine, sound suck-up-y) she will have even less respect for you. Keep putting the responsibility for all that's happened back on her, where it belongs.

- I had sent the reply just as suggested.
No more. no less.

More recently, without my being notified, she arrived to pick up our oldest child and our new grandchild. I had asked her how she was doing. The response was "I am not doing good at all". I sent a message a couple days later, that I am sorry she is not doing well, and reiterated the same message about being sorry her affair and actions are causing her misery.
The reply was "I am not doing well, because of an abscessed molar. Not from whatever you are on about"... Then tossed out a threat. (her developed MO when I refer to what she has done)
Also not the first time she has faked confusion at the word "affair" or pretended she did not know what I was talking about when directly using it. She will insult me for "telling" others about her and OM , but has never admitted that what she did was an affair.
I replied with stating I was sorry to learn of the tooth and wrote a sentence about what we did when I had the same trouble a couple years ago. I finished by saying although I am sorry she is still upset, it was nice to see she replied. And I want her to feel safe in continuing.

Although I cut way back on communication attempts, for various reasons and circumstances, explained earlier, I did not previously enter a "proper" plan B. The largest reason being it would not have been under my terms, and as a result would not have had the effect on either of us as intended.

I feel I did follow all of the advice given in this thread.
* Although on some occasions it was contradictory from one reply to the next. Even the advice from writing the radio program contradicted itself at one point (which is all understandable as not everyone can have the same views to a circumstance).
But stopped short of sending a full on plan b letter.
Because I did not, I felt alright in continuing attempts to gently communicate.

With the most recent events, I am going to do all I can to resist trying any further.
Part of me wants to believe the woman I have loved for a quarter century is still there somewhere, and I can get through to her by continuing to try... the other part realizes that person disappeared, without my knowledge, years ago. There was a person just pretending to be the same. What makes it that much harder is that I have never been given the respect of even getting a reason as to why.

Question...

The charity organization is now ready to proceed with disciplinary action against OM1, (the long term affair which brought me to this forum) as he is now scheduled to return from a separate year long suspension on other charges.
They want specifics as to what happened and how the organization's resources and his/their positions within it were used to directly cover the affair. They want the true nature of conflicts caused within the organization, witnessed by and participated in by hundreds and thousands of members. (They bent and misinterpreted various rules to try and maintain their positions, under lies of working toward progressing the organization, when in reality it was to maintain plausible excuses to continue flying off together). The bending of these rules and procedures caused a multi year uproar as 1,000's of people took sides.
Revealing this amount of information would go beyond the workplace exposure template found here on the forum.

I am comfortable with providing semi-detailed specifics of the affair and the trauma caused to our family and children.
Not holding back on exposing OM in detail. I have already done so with a preliminary disciplinary officer I am familiar with, due to my own previous position. The next step is submitting these same details to a panel of officers. All of which are fully familiar with myself, WW and OM, as we previously held the top three positions.
I will explain it is done to inform the organization of the OM's blatant abuse of the position and the misuse of the organization and it's resources, it's moral codes, endangering it's reputation and all done for self-gratification.

The charges are only against OM, and as with the exposure letters, I will be asking for support and honestly explaining this is not to seek punishment for my WW and doing all I can to help her and our family.

my questions are...

There is a possibility that there will be leaks and the story will grow to a larger audience. (this is a charity organization with over 11,000 members, and the administration now in control was hostile to WW during our administration), but I guess I can not be concerned about that as I have done nothing to be ashamed of.

Does anyone see a problem with this?

In addition, some time ago, the other BS asked me not to file charges against or expose her WH to the organization, with the reason being... "taking away the organization from him will worsen his depression" (Like I care). So, the sharing of information between me and other BS will likely come to an end once the other BS finds out it is proceeding.

* I have the same question about this as well(?)

What I am really concerned about is that the other BS has done little to hold her WH accountable and has accomplished little, if anything, of the checklist. There is a real possibility that whatever is written by me within the hearing, will go from me, to OM, to my WW.
Nothing will be a lie on my part, but does anyone have experience with such a situation?

I in no way want any of this to negatively impact myself
or any possibility it will negatively affect my working on gaining custodianship of the children. I don't want any outlandish "harassment" charge or some type of OOP.

I decided it was best to move forward with the charges and expose OM to the organization. I have no orders to not speak with anyone, so if it gets back to WW, so be it.
She'll just use it to further convince herself I am the bad guy, but perhaps it will further wake her up to the misery she has caused everyone, including herself. It will also help the other BS, as it will close off a major method of contact.

In an hour I have the second of two court ordered mediation meetings with WW. As others have said here, I would also suggest avoiding mediation if possible. It is miserable.
Unless you are willing to give even more of what has been taken from you, or are certain WS is willing to make an effort to restore any normalcy and/ or return any of what they have taken (children, property... ect), it is pointless. During the first meeting (in which you are interviewed separately) the mediator made it clear they care nothing about what happened any time before the moment of sitting in their office. Adultery means nothing, exposing children to affairs means nothing, bad decisions and bad parenting... nothing.

I am also in a state that heavily favors wives and the court cares nothing of these same issues and the process is designed to get it over with as quickly as possible. In fact, within the last year, and by the time this is done, they will have removed 3 laws that make it possible for reconciliation or slow the process.

- Removing the possibility of a "fault" divorce.
- Removing the stipulation that married couples be legally separated for 6 months.
- Removing the requirement that both sides stand in front of a judge and state they agree that there is no possibility of reconciliation and that this is best for the family.

This last one will be eliminated in a few weeks. Previously if one side disagreed to "irreconcilable differences" and disagreed to the above statements, the judge would weigh other options to immediate divorce. Now it will only require one side saying they agree (the petitioner) and that is it.

I am finally ready to send my PBL. I had written it months ago, but literally 2 days before I was to send it, she filed for divorce. (This was unfortunately the result of confronting OM2... but I would do it again). That knocked me off my feet and before I could recover she, in several relatively rapid phases, stopped communicating with me. This made me feel that sending the letter would have little effect on either of us.

But today in mediation she sat there and just blatantly lied about everything. I counted no less than a dozen hurtful outright lies in under 40 minutes. About me being violent, a heavy drinker, mistreating the children, that I invaded her mothers home and stole things. Lied about things she has done, things she has not done. Claiming she has tried to communicate. Hasn't violated court orders. Even lied about things our children have done or said. I felt I was in defense mode the whole time and/ or having to calmly explain various truths. While she was angry and abusive the entire time. Several times insulting me, calling me a liar and telling me to "shut up"! (right there in the meeting).

In addition, openly said to the mediator "I have not hurt the kids in any way because I have been honest when bringing them around OM2 and OM3".

I thought to myself... "This looks like the woman I love on the outside, but there is a strange insane person in there".

I have been nothing but calm, supportive, gentle, and understanding since the very day after discovery, one year ago. Meanwhile, WW has been on a relentless crusade of abuse, mental cruelty, lies and theft.

Perhaps I can get some guidance on my PBL?

I had written it some time ago, before WW filed. I wrote it as a "love letter" as the template suggests. It is long and it is filled with emotion. But recent advice says I should not send such things.
It is hard to know what to do at this moment as I want to capture 24 years of life in one letter.

I am still struggling with my PBL. The template in the 101 thread advises to write it as a love letter, and to address the complaints heard. I have written it with confidence, but by addressing the complaints and stating how I have learned to change them... along with the affection of a love letter, seems a fine line between confidence and it being perceived as neediness/ pleading. It is also 3x as long as the template.

I am also bouncing back and forth between a PBL and offering a small message to start from the beginning, and if nothing happens... sending it later.

I can not seem to find a IM. Over several months I have asked 9 members of friends and family. None want to do this.

If I were to post my letter, might I find some help with it?

I have read it and refined it many times. I am happy with it. It is a love letter, but also places responsibility on her for all she has done.
It is honest and affectionate, but I have learned honest and affectionate letters are not always best.

( I might add it is still a bit long and gets a little personal... but what here isn't )

Thank you.

Yes, posting it for feedback is a good idea.

Thank you.
I will in the next day or so.


I also wanted to ask... I am guessing the advise is I do nothing about OM3?

* A 30yo co-worker of WW (she is 43), and someone she again exposes the children to. It is also someone I have met at her workplace, in the past.

Confronting OM2 ( Or as I explained in this thread, his father, as OM2 literally ran away from me and hid ) caused him to disappear quickly.

( Unfortunately, it was confronting OM2 that caused WW to stop trying and file for D, but if I had to do that again, I would do nothing different )

OM2's father had told me my WW told them she was divorced (before WW even attempting to file). Unlike that situation, OM3 knows WW is married... and obviously doesn't care.
I can only guess she has told him she is divorcing.
( Last I knew he also had a GF and a small child )

* Before discovering OM2's identity, I had thought it was this new person. I guess it just took some time before WW actually made him OM3.

This is all still unnerving and other than building the strength to plan B, I am unsure of what to do. There really is no Plan A anymore. Not long after filing, it became me reaching out.. and getting nothing in return.

This is my BPL in its current form:
https://app.box.com/s/1ukynj96164vgrkml5n820nrps9mbb36

I built and rebuilt it over several months through a combination of things I feel need to be said, the lessons learned here, and by borrowing from those whom have been kind enough to share their own letters.

Those who might have the time to read through it, I would welcome any advice with any need to alter/ correct it.
I want it to have the impact it is intended. To express to my WW that she has always been loved. That she is about to throw away a quarter century of life and marriage with a loving husband. About to rip our family apart. To hold her accountable for the terrible things she has done, and all due to an outrageous fantasy of being with another BS's husband from 10,000 miles away.

I might also note that the few "complaints" I address early in the letter all came after her affair was discovered and exposed. Things she has blurted out in anger over the last several months. They are still confusing to me as half of them are complaints about actions she knows full well were performed to directly support and defend her, as well as taking care of our family. But somehow they have been turned against me as "self interest". The other half describe infrequent occurrences. There are only a few total, but it is all I have to go on.

* I am also still struggling a bit with my wanting to do something about OM3 and if it is appropriate to do so.

Thank you again to all.

That's not a Plan B letter. The template for the letter is given by Dr Harley in the book Surviving an Affair. I very much doubt that you've seen approval on this forum during the past 5 years for what you have written

Follow Dr Harley's template to the letter. It says all that needs to be said.

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.