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Reading the letter Dr. Harley wrote you:
"In my book, He Wins, She Wins, I discuss how important it is for a person with an emotional disorder to take responsibility for it. It should not be up to the spouse to �cure� her mate. Emotional disorders left untreated makes it impossible to meet emotional needs or follow the Policy of Joint Agreement when making joint decisions. It also greatly limits the possibilities that are acceptable.

To summarize, it�s up to your husband to handle the problem, and he should tell you daily how grateful he is to you for your patience."

I believe Dr. Harley would tell you that there isn't much you can do if he refuses to address this issue. It's not up to you to cure him. You could be the perfect wife and he would still have this issue he needs to address -- your lovebusters are not causing his OCD. You shouldn't lovebust him, but that's not the reason he's quit his therapy.

If he's going to refuse therapy, you may need to consider calling it quits. I would copy and paste your post and email it to Dr. Harley if I were you.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Um. Hi there. First I have never been part of a forum so please forgive my ignorance e. I have no idea where I need to go or how I need to get there but I saw you have been part of this forum for quite some time. I am in a desperate place. I won't give you a long drawn out story but I am willing to do anything to Save my marriage and am the only one really trying and I need as much help and advice as I can get. Can you point me in a direction to ask questions etc on this forum. I am already reading lots and studying lots but I do need a regular source of advice/support.

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Originally Posted by BecksR
Um. Hi there. First I have never been part of a forum so please forgive my ignorance e. I have no idea where I need to go or how I need to get there but I saw you have been part of this forum for quite some time. I am in a desperate place. I won't give you a long drawn out story but I am willing to do anything to Save my marriage and am the only one really trying and I need as much help and advice as I can get. Can you point me in a direction to ask questions etc on this forum. I am already reading lots and studying lots but I do need a regular source of advice/support.
Welcome to MB.

It would be best for you to start your own thread and give us a short description (in about 3 paragraphs or less) and ask us your questions.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks, Prisca. I agree--I'm not the reason for his OCD, but I don't think that my frustration about it is healthy, either.

We talked last night when we were both less frustrated and we agreed that if we could fix this on our own, we would have already. He's open to doing the online course, and I'm hoping that can be a segway to him getting help for his OCD. I'm also reaching out to an individual therapist for myself.

It would be so nice to be able to have these calm, thoughtful discussions about our issues without going through the frustration and anger first. I feel like we CAN do it, we just need to be held accountable when we go down the wrong path.


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I saw you posting today, so I thought I'd ask how things are going with your husband's OCD.


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He still has it. Blah.

That was partly a joke. There is good news and bad news.

Bad news is that he's still not in therapy for it.

Good news is that I've cleaned up my side of the street and by doing that, he's a lot more receptive to working on it. I can tell he's making more of an effort to control it. But is digging in his heels about a therapist.

His OCD is the type of thing that ebbs and flows. Right now it is ebbing, so I hate to create tension over it. The stress makes his OCD worse, anyway, so it's a catch 22 for me.

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Did you mail Dr Harley on the OCD? I remember from previous radio shows, he has good advice on this problem.

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Yes, he did have good advice. This was his response to my email:

Hi [my name],

OCD is definitely one of the emotional disorders of husbands that wives find difficult, if not impossible, to tolerate. But when wives have the disorder, husbands seem to adjust much better to it. So men with OCD usually don�t understand why their wives are having so much trouble with them.

Most husbands who are doing a good job overcoming the symptoms use a combination of medication, such as Prozac, and behavior therapy. Minor tranquilizers, such as Xanax, are to be taken when the husband is having a panic attack, or is overwhelmed by some unforeseen event. Since most men with OCD don�t like taking any medication, it�s usually a trick to get them to take it long enough to find a successful dosage level for their physiology.

In my book, He Wins, She Wins, I discuss how important it is for a person with an emotional disorder to take responsibility for it. It should not be up to the spouse to �cure� her mate. Emotional disorders left untreated makes it impossible to meet emotional needs or follow the Policy of Joint Agreement when making joint decisions. It also greatly limits the possibilities that are acceptable.

To summarize, it�s up to your husband to handle the problem, and he should tell you daily how grateful he is to you for your patience.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

So basically it's on my husband to fix it. But he feels after years of therapy (and multiple medications), he's tired. He doesn't mind his OCD, but understands it's an issue for me. I've been b*tchy about it in the past, so I'm stopping my DJs and AOs over it so that he doesn't feel attacked.

I know that if I said "It's either divorce or more therapy" he would go to therapy, but I really want to approach this in a loving way. I'm not great at being caring, unfortunately. I really want to fix it.

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I know that if I said "It's either divorce or more therapy" he would go to therapy, but I really want to approach this in a loving way. I'm not great at being caring, unfortunately. I really want to fix it.
You don't threaten divorce. But you do need to tell him "I need you to be in therapy in order to be happy." And, you keep it on the front burner, bringing it up on a regular basis.

If it ever comes to the point that you want to divorce, then you just separate and do it. Don't make threats first.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Thanks, Prisca. That's a really good reminder for me--no threats, just a reminder of what I need to be happy.

I wouldn't say I'm a giver, nor would I say I'm not confrontational, but I struggle with bringing it up when things are good. We are so busy and really enjoying our UA time, I hate to bring up a complaint when RIGHT NOW I can see he's improving and I'm making a conscious effort to come from a place of love. I started reading a book called "loving somebody with OCD" and it focuses on creating healthy relationships and is much more empathetic than I've been. I tend to be a "tough love" kind of person and DH says he really dislikes that approach to his OCD, but it's hard to fight my natural instinct.

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