OK, now that I got your attention.<P>My MIL is going to be here Friday evening.<P>She has sent a couple of E-Mails in the last week asking my W for persmission to be able to see our daughter. She has asked that she be allowed to come to her house for the weekend. My W has told her that she can come up Friday afternoon/evening to pick up our daughter and that she is to bring her back home Sunday.<P>My W and I are both a little nervous about this, but it is probably time to try and start up some type of communication with my MIL.<P>For those of you who don't know the whole story, please look up some of the old posts from my W and I, but basically my MIL has NEVER liked me since the day she met me. One of major contributing factor to my W leaving me was pressure from her family, specifically her mother. The only contact betwenn my MIL and us in the past several months has been a total of one E-Mail until this past week.<P>I could really use your advice and your prayers concerning this.<P>God Bless

ES - you guys will be ok. It's gonna be hard and awkward, since Hopeful's letter (I am remembering right, aren't I? If not, my heart's in the right place anyway.)<P>Boundaries have been set. You guys can enforce them. You'll be ok. You've worked so hard and faced so many things together, you'll get through this one together too.<P>I know, my advice is not great. But I do believe in you two. You'll be ok. Get plenty of rest and just trust yourselves. <P>I'll be thinking about you and praying for you both.<P>(((((ES and Hopeful)))))<P>Lori

Hi ES -<P>Deep Breaths.......<P>This is a good first step....Like Lostva says - you will ALL be awkward at first.<BR>Just relax and stand firm together and be as loving as possible.<P>You know that I want more details about this week's emails, don't you!!!!! lol!<P>You will be fine....keep a brown paper bag handy in case of hyperventilation..<BR>..better keep one out for Hopeful, too!!<BR>Hey, you never know - she might apologize or something!!! Could Happen!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

lostva -- Lori, yes you are right about the letter. And yes things will probably be pretty tense. I had been posting on Chris's forum about this situation, and I didn't even know this was going to be happening. Pretty ironic huh?<P>Lori, your advice has alwas been welcome, especially knowing how difficult things have been for you lately. Having you reach out is greatly appreciated. Thank you for the hugs and prayers. We'll probably need them.<P>God bless

Sheba -- Thanks for you reply. hyperventialtion is not really my concern, even though hopeful might need the paper bag. I guess I am more concerned about being able to restrain myself. Part of me still wants to rip off her head and puke down her throat.<P>I know . . . Bad Empty Shell <P>I guess I'm just really nervous that's all.<P>God Bless

ES, I'll pray...<P>Also, you don't think she will hurt your daughter, or not bring her back, do you? Otherwise, I think it's gonna be okay...<P>You guys (you and hopeful... gosh, I wish my H would post here more) are truly an inspiration to me!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

new_beginning -- Thank you for your prayers.<P>MIL is married to a juvenile detective in the city they live in, so yea there is a little bit of that concern, and hopeful did address that in the letter she wrote a few months ago.<P>Do I think she would be stupid enough to do something like that?? I sure hope not. Because if she does, I am afraid I would not be able to post here for a long time.<P>Thank you again for your your reply.<P>God Bless

Sheba - Here is what was said in my mom's email this week:<P>This was her first email:<P>I really intended to send this last week but everything got away from me.<BR>Hope you all had a safe Halloween. What did Chrissy dress up as?<P>Sara tells me that she saw Chrissy at Dad's and the outfit I bought her will<BR>not possibly fit. Therefore, maybe it would be better if I just send you a<BR>check and you can take her shopping. Or, if it is OK with you we will bring<BR>her down for a weekend and Grandma will take her shopping. Whichever is<BR>best for you all. If she can come to Grandma's house to visit, the weekend<BR>of November 12- 14 would be great for us. We have the twins that weekend<BR>and she wouldn't have to be as bored as she would with just Ken and I. Let<BR>me know and we can make plans.<P>Does your family have plans for Thanksgiving? You know you are always<BR>welcome to come to our place. I do know that other people may expect you to<BR>be at their place, so if you can't make it we certainly understand.<BR>However, would greatly welcome you.<P>Not too much exciting going on around here. I missed several days last week<BR>because Ken was in the hospital with chest pains. They ran just about every<BR>possible test and have decided it is just stress. Can't imagine that. He<BR>is still the lead investigator for a grand jury in addition to his regular<BR>duties. On top of which he has to put up with me. Guess maybe it is<BR>stress.<P>How are the jobs going? How is Chrissy's school going? Is she as excited<BR>this year as she was last?<P>I look forward to hearing from you soon. Love, Mom<P>This was her second email: <P>I hope you received my e-mail last week. I never know for sure that it went through right. I still trust the "in person" stuff more than these electronics. Anyway, have you decided if Chrissy can come visit next weekend? Please let me know so that I can make plans accordingly.<P>Hope everyone there is doing well and enjoying this beautiful fall weather.<BR>Sure could use some moisture though.<P>This was my response: <P>If YOU would like to pick her up on Friday afternoon that isn't a problem. She gets out of school at 3:35 and usually gets off the bus by 4pm and I'm sure she would love for her grandma to pick her up. I have to work on Sunday till 6pm so you can either drop her off around that time or come up earlier.<BR>I won't be here but Richard will be. Let me know.<P>This was her response:<P>Great. I will plan on leaving here by no later than 4:00 on Friday. Where should I plan to pick Chrissy up? When I pick her up, I will let you know when to expect her home on Sunday if that is OK with you.<P>This was my response:<P>If you want to you can come to the apartment and get her. We no longer live in apartment A anymore. We live in the same complex but we now live in apartment F. It's at the other end of the building and on the top floor. Do you want me to feed her dinner or do you want to? Just so you know, she wears large shirts, medium or large stretch pants, and at least a six on jeans etc depending on the style. You may need to try everything on first. She really likes dress but really doesn't have shoes to go with them. Talk<BR>to you soon to verify everything.<P>This was her last response:<P>I will pick her up at your house and I will certainly feed her dinner. I expect to be there around 5:00.<P>Sorry it was so long.<P>

ES and Hopeful,<P>I just wanted to tell you that when my natural father died (I was 2 mo. old, never knew him, my mother remarried the best man in the world who adopted me and has been my dad since I was 2 yrs. old - whew!) anyway, my mother severed all contact with my natural father's family. My grandmother tried and tried to keep in touch with me, until I was about six yrs. old, to no avail. I was too young to care much, but as I got older, I resented the fact.<P>You are doing the right thing by allowing the visit, as long as you aren't worried about abuse or kidnapping. <P>I just thought you should know that.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Hopeful and ES -<P>Thanks for typing out the e's Hopeful - you know me...gotta have all the facts!!! LOL!!<P>I see good things...She referenced "your family" and "the jobs"....That is a reference to you, ES. Not outright - hello, how ya doin' - but it's a start!!<P>Don't be so nervous if you can help it - keep in mind that she is probably more nervous!!! Try to act normal (now kind of normal - not the old kind of normal).<P>Do you guys have plans for Thanksgiving?<P>I think you handled it just right Hopeful!!<P>Just take it one step at a time.<P>ES - Keep a friendly face on and say hi and how are you even if she does not acknowledge you - which I don't think will be the case. Don't look to do any hashing over stuff or anything...take it for what it is, which is a relationship that would be nice for family unity, but is not detrimental to you and Hopeful's lives.<P>This perspective will give you strength and steadiness.<P>Hugs and prayers will be with you on Friday and Sunday.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

new_beginning -- Thank you. Both hopeful and I agree that our D deserves to have some type of relationship. This is the first step to see if there will be a relationship in the future. Tonight we were talking with our D about going to see MIL, and at one point she was looking forward to it, and a little while later she said she didn't like MIL. 6 Year olds . . . <P>Sheba -- Thanks again. No we really don't have plans for Thanksgiving. hopeful has to work so we really can't go anywhere. I don't know if we are ready for a "family" gathering right now anyway though.<P>hopeful is now having second thoughts after reading my responses. She is worried that my concerns will adversely effect me. Yes I am concerned, but I think this needs to happen. I have to know, and hopeful has to know whether or not there will ever be ANY relationship with MIL. I'm nervous yes. I will however be civil, as I always have, until I am given reason to act otherwise.<P>God Bless

Hi ES -<P>I don't think Thanksgiving with them is a good idea, either....I was just curious if your FIL had invited you all.<P>I am sure that you are always civil..what I meant was subtle differences - like a smile on both your faces with each other....shows a bond between you and Hopeful. She might pick up on it and see that there is a big difference going on here.<P>See what I mean?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Oh BTW : Great advice to Brownphd!! I have to go to bed soon, so if your around try to talk with him some more....I feel so bad for the way he is feeling. Thanks

Sheba -- Thank you once again. Yes FIL had invited us for Thanksgiving, but I think hopeful told him that she had to work. hopeful's Grandparents are going to be here from Georgia over Thanksgiving, so I know we will be going for a visit, even if it is just for the day.<P>I have been talking with borwnphd via E-Mail for the past couple days. I noticed that you and I both posted to his threads tonight at just about the same time. He and I really have a lot in common, so it was natural for me to reach out to him.<P>God Bless

Hi! When I read the e.mail correspondence, I had to chuckle to myself, as it was almost identical to the e.mail that I have sent many times to our DIL, and our son.<P>If your MIL is like I am, she is very sincere in wanting to see your child, and there seems to be a safety net in using the computer versus the telephone. Maybe the rejection doesn't seem to sting so much? <P>My DIL and I have been at each other's throats basically from the beginning. I learned long ago that we get along much better when we see each other in very small doses. Usually when we are going to see the grandchildren for the weekend or for a week, the adults stay for dinner, and then go off to do "their own thing." It seems to work for us.<P>We had a disagreement right before Easter of this year. After we had accepted an invitation to spend the weekend with our other DIL and son, THE DIL took offense to the fact that we had not accepted her invitation. Which, I might add, had been given 6 days before Easter. At this point, we were not able/wouldn't change our plans, but came up with an alternative which we thought would remedy the problem. On our way to our son's home, we would be stopping in to see THE DIL, and spend an afternoon and evening with the grandchildren, plus drop off their Easter baskets, and their Easter clothes we had purchased. After phone calls back and forth, DIL decided that if we could only give HER children a few hours, then we needn't bother making the trip at all. With that, she informed me that she didn't want to hear from us anymore, and hung up the phone, after cursing me out with a few choice words.<P>Before the argument, we had committed to watching their children for a weekend, while they attended a wedding. As the date neared, I sent an e.mail (again, safer than a phone call) asking if we should pick up the grandkids, or would they be bringing them to us. Her reply to us was that they had made alternate plans. Period!!<P>Then when Mother's Day neared, I again e.mailed them with an invitation to come for dinner, either Saturday or Sunday, whichever was more convenient. We never did get a reply to that one.<P>As much as it hurt us, my H and I decided that the DIL had been running our life with her childish demands/jealousy for too long, and this was one time that we were going to hold fast on our convictions. They were going to have to make the next move, otherwise, we knew this pattern of her bad behaviour would continue throughout the rest of our lifetime.<P>It took four months (the hardest/longest of our lives) to finally hear from them, but our son finally did call and ask if he could bring up the children for the day. The problem with DIL was never brought up, but we did invite her to come as well, which she did. DIL did admit that our grandson asked about us every night, and she realized that in the end, it was the children who were being hurt by all of this.<P>Things are going reasonably well right now, but DIL and I still correspond by e.mail, and very rarely by phone. For us, it just seems to work out better that way. I know I am not familiar with your situation, but your child's needs should be put before yours and your MIL's. There is nothing more important than the love of grandparents.<P>Perhaps you too can come to a mutual agreement the way we have. Hey, some people just don't get along with each other, for whatever reason. We usually "catch up" every week or so, plus our son sends photos of the children through the internet. It certainly is not the ideal situation, but it seems to be the only solution. Good luck.<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Success Story - The only way my mother can get in contact with us is through e-mail. We change our phone number right after Easter when my sister was calling every hour or so and inviting just my daughter and I to dinner at my mom's house. At that time they wouldn't even invite my H to Easter etc. If my mom wouldn't even acknowledge that I was married to my H. <P>I sent her a letter to her in August telling her how I felt. I never got a response to it at all. My daughter gets to see my dad and stepmom more than my mom and stepdad. My dad has made an attempt to be civil to my H and will converse with him when he is around. He will also invite him to family functions when he invites me and our D. My mom wouldn't even give him that much. The Saturday after father's day we went down to my mom's house for pictures with my sisters and stepsisters. It was a present for my stepfather. I did bring my H with me but my mom didn't even say hi to him. She did ask where he was but after I told where he was she just said oh and walked away. <P>I feel that my mom should make an attempt to try to be civil to my H. If she is at our house, she should make an attempt to talk to him, not just ignore him like she usually does. That is all I ask.

ES, I helped Hopeful compose the letter to her mother, and I've been down that road too.<P>I "broke up" with my mother to pursue the relationship with my H, because I knew she'd disapprove.<P>I started the reconciliation with her when we were about to move in together. This time the rules would be MY rules, not hers.<P>You and Hopeful need to keep the following in mind:<P>1) Your marriage is YOURS, not hers<P>2) YOU have the power; she doesn't.<P>3) Repeat as many times as you need to: SHE CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO ME. SHE HAS NO POWER OVER US. THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO. WE HAVE THE POWER.<P>Just as with any other relationship -- if the way you behave with her changes, she will change. You may have to "slap her around" on occasion (figuratively speaking) so she remembers, but once both you and she know that she no longer has that control over you, the situation will be much better.<P>And remember...it's YOUR home and YOUR marriage, and YOUR daughter. You make the rules...she doesn't.<P>THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO TO YOU!!!

Hi, Hopeful: I agree with you 100% in the fact that your mom should be making at least an attempt to be civil to your husband. As most of my immediate family knew of the situation with my H and my sister, there was a lot of potential for problems. I must say that right after the affair, things were very tense, to say the least.<P>If any of my family members came over to our home, my H did a disappearing act, until they had left. When I would ask him about it later, he would just say that he had been busy.<P>As far as my mom goes, she still thinks the sun rises and sets on my H. Never having had a son, my H and 2 of my BIL's have filled that gap for her, by treating her better than her own son would. I still have at least one sister that finds it very hard to stay in the say room with my H, and he feels the same way as well. I won't even talk about THE sister. <P>The first time we all knew we were going to be together for a great period time, was last year at my sister's annual Christmas get together. Sisters/families, and cousins are all invited. Santa visits, etc. so it is a day that turns into an evening. I could see my H was more than nervous about it, but we arrived early, and THE sister arrived just about the time we were getting ready to leave. <P>Throughout all of this, most of my family has expressed to me that my H must have been the instigator in the relationship with my sister. From what I saw, I would have to totally disagree, but I guess it's human nature to try and blame someone else, other than your own flesh and blood. Another of my sisters (I have 5) is the only one who also saw/heard about how THE sister had come onto her husband before she moved onto my home. <P>One will never know the circumstances, as neither one of them has ever confessed to it. I figure the punishment for the two of them is knowing that all eyes are on them when they are in the same room together, studying their body language, etc. Can you say avoidance with a capital "A"?<P>Maybe it's time you spoke to your mom and just set some boundaries. Whatever her differences are with your husband should be put aside. Whatever went on with you and your husband is only between you and your husband. No one else's business! Maybe it's time you informed her that if she wants to have a relationship with you and your daughter, your husband is part of that relationship. It's either 3 or none! I told my family that.<P>Hope everything works out for you this weekend. Usually when you are apprehensive about something, it turns out soooo much better than you had initially anticipated. Good luck, and keep us posted.<P>As always,<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Dazed and Confused -- I know you helped hopeful with the letter, and if I haven't said so before. . . Thank You for all your help. hopeful and I are trying to set the ground rules. This weekend will be the first real contact. I guess we'll see.<P>Why Me -- Thank you for your replies. The story with my MIL is a little different than most. My MIL encouraged hopeful to leave home rather than try to work on the problems. She came up and moved my W and D out of the house while I was at work, then had my W file a restraining order against me the next morning. To my MIL I may as well be the devil incarnate. I have never done anything against my MIL. I have always tried to get along and help out as much as possible. She would simply rather see me dead. Plain and simple. When hopeful finally decided that she wanted to work on our marriage, she attacked hopeful. She demanded everything back that she had ever given us. Including our daughters bed. All because hopeful decided to work on us. In fact, the day of the confrontation concerning all this, hopeful and I had to call the police in order to get our daughter, because MIL wouldn't let her out of the house with us.<P>There will definitely be a lot of tension when she shows up Friday.<P>God Bless

Back to the top. Friday is almost here.

Boy, was I way off base, when I assumed your MIL wanted only the best for your daughter. Putting all the differences aside between my DIL and I, I would never, ever remove my grandchild's bed from the home, regardless of what the situation was. Not a nice Granny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Having said that, perhaps your MIL has had a change of heart? It is possible, after all. You and your wife decided to work on your marriage, maybe your MIL has finally realized the importance of family, and is taking the first step towards a solution?<P>Please give her a chance. There is no greater power on earth than love. I still stand by my convictions, as far as letting MIL know, in no uncertain terms. that if she wants to be a part of your family, it is a family of three! She has to accept all, or nothing. Take a deep breath, as I have a feeling that things will not be near as bad as you think they will be.<P>Take care, and good luck on Friday.<P>As always<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>