Figured I would start a thread here now...as I believe I will need as much support as I can to get through this process.

My original thread for background:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2894413#Post2894413

Through the process of trying desperately to repair my marriage from infidelity, I discovered I was in over my head and I cannot repair it, because I cannot repair her.

I am devastated today...and probably will be for a while. I am on an emotional rollercoaster....some good has come out of it since I had people I needed to reconnect with reach out to me to offer kindness and compassion...and I realized I had a better support system than I thought.

But now I am fearful....this is where the hard part will start...custody of our 3 children, separation of assets.

I am torn between do I wait to discuss these things till emotions are less raw (will they ever be on these topics) and on the other side, do I take immediate actions to protect my rights?

It is all a whirlwind. While my WW is a serial cheater...I have only really had confirmation of this for a day...and it is very raw right now.

I appreciate the help and kindness I know I will receive.

Jim, Dr Harley has recommended to others in this situation to get legal protection right away in these situations because you have a legal advantage while she is in the affair fog. That is in the best interest of your children because waywards make very poor parents. I would file for divorce asap so you can get legal protection for your children.

File for divorce asap.

Not only is your wife a serial cheater who is proactively seeking affairs, but she has an extreme sense of entitlement and brazenness about her. Unless she was willing to make VERY radical changes to her behavior and attitude, recovery would be impossible.

Even if she ended this affair, unless she made radical changes, there would be more in the future. Nobody should live like that.

I have cancelled all authorizrd user credit cards that were in my name...Changed passwords on every important account I have ..And sought legal advice. I paid all credit cards to zero and made the car payment. When I am able to see the lawyer all future debt will no be separate...As it is now not possible for us to incurred anymore joint debt. I. Now in protect mode. It is all about me and my kids...Aside from just the gut wrenching pain...I am ok....It's funny...I don't feel like I am losing my wife anymore...Because I don't want to live like this and have come to peace with ending it....But I can't help but feel I am losing my best friend...I guess that is natural.

I don't know what to do or say. I am on such an emotional roller coaster. It is ripping my guts out.

One minute I am ok...well never truly...but one minute i am better than not ok...and then it all wells up on me....it comes in a giant wave that just crushes me for a moment. It is everything i can do not to keep having breakdowns in front of the children.

And I have been primary care for the children so far...she left the home. It actually helps. They know what is going on and are comforting, but i can;t use them as sounding boards...I have to isolate them as much as I can.

I am hurt not just for the loss of my wife. I am hurt at the loss of my best friend. I know many will say i am better off, and she was no best friend to our marriage, but it is how I felt 4 days ago. And now I feel different.

I lost my mother when I was 5 (bitter divorce with father and out of the picture for 30 years), my sister left when she was 14 (I was 9), I have now been through 3 marriages, and I have 2 older children who's mother had custody in Hawaii, and my WW and I lost our first baby together. I am sick of losing. I am sick of hurting. I know I need counseling. I know i need a support group. I am just whithering on the vine here.

The hardest part is sucking it all in so their mother can see the kids. You feel like...oh...this is an opportunity to say x, y, and z....and you can't. You have to bottle it all up and suck it up for the kids so her visitation is a safe time, and a safe space. That is when the anger and hurt well up the most...and at the same time the most important time not to express it. It is killing me inside.

I just don;t know what to do...I want off this horrible ride.

You need to do something to take care of yourself. Get out of the house, do something fun, start planning to move. Call your doctor and discuss anti-depressants to help you deal with your emotions.

Jimbo a lot of us had to take antidepressants temporarily. It helps the brain to reset after trauma. You're doing the right things and it will get better. Do you have friends and family to help? I used to make a point of getting the kids out of the house, we'd go to the pool or the playground most days of the week. Now they're older we go to the mall more lol.

I went back to surviving an affair for a moment. I wanted to investigate it. I had to see.

All this holding on I have been doing is from the hurt....and knowing in my heart of hearts what is really happening here.

I have been in denial...wanted to believe. I love my wife. But I don;t deserve the hand i got dealt.

I am looking back over everything. I am looking back at how many times she has cheated on me and how little it affected her...and continues to affect her. And I compare it with what I did and how IT DID affect me. Changed everything about how i looked at thins.

I am re-examining the last 16 years. Mostly all I can be thankful for, is three beautiful daughters.

I don;t deserve all the rage against me...the degradation...the constant crisis. I have decided this is no way to live my life.

The last thing she said to me...was she is not using the OM to hurt me...she is leaving me...and he just happens to be there.

That may be the fog....but *** it. I realized I can;t plan A cause too much has been said and done over the last 16 years. I am pushing her off the fence.

I need to now only work on me. And trust i can find happiness again.

Thank you all for your help. I will keep posting. i will need help through this.

She is hitting rock bottom...it hurts so much to see. She is drinking vodka (never drinks) and started smoking again after 3 years. It hurts to watch her destroy herself.

I am doing me...I can't fix her...I try to tell her I am here for her...but she only focuses on the financial ramifications of our split and seems to care about nothing else. She is bitter...angry....

She is lost right now...and I can't convince her otherwise.

I start IC Monday and speak to Dr Hartley Wednesday.

This just hurts bad. I have kept my house open for her so she can see the kids off to school and be home when they get here and she leaves when they go to bed. I cry every day. I am seeking therapy... I start Monday.

I just don't know how to overcome the pain and betrayal I feel. Its palpable.

My marriage is over...and I accept it. But it doesn't seem to be making the pain any less real. 80% of the time I can move past it. But the arrangement I have made to give the kids both of us is killing me. And I am not sure I can continue this. But if I try and pull back, I get accused of trying to take the kids from her.

At the same time...I am leaning on the kids. Not to say sucking them in. But using then for my joy...holding onto them because I feel they are all I have left. I know this is selfish. But the loneliness I feel if they are not here sometimes consumes me.

This is why I am fine all day. But then she leaves...and the kids go to bed...and I am left here...rehashing and wondering what if.

I am not trying to sound out of my mind...I generally am not now. I have acceptance and I am greiving. I know it will get better. But my desire to do right by her and my kids may be doing me more harm than good and I am not sure what the right thing is

Any words of wisdom?

Its all blowing up...every day it is something.

Today I joined a group on Facebook....looking for kindred souls. Apparently...one of her friends saw the post and contacted her. She got very upset withbne that ibwas sharing her personal information. But I am not. Never mentioned her name...we are no linger connected on Facebook, and she has me blocked. She even threatened to file a police report that I was putting her in danger...and really...it is just me trying to be me and reaching out for support.


All I ever hear from her anymore is "me me me me me". She has not guilt...no conscience... At least right now. She thinks that my emotions are irrational...but before this today I hadn't even spoken to her. I am trying to leave her alone.

Just all so frustrating. I am paying her bills. I am providing her food...I give her access to the children unencumbered.

Hell..she does her laundry..showers...and gets on her makeup for her boyfriend here.

What do I do with all this

Are these bills to maintain the household or are they personal bills for her?

Both. She buys food and stuff for the house. But has bought new clothes. One dinner I know of for her and her new fiance...Oh yes. The engagement was on Facebook. Lol. It has all gotten a bit ridiculous.

You should not be financing her affair and if she's using the money to buy dinners for her and OM you need to cut that off.

Oh I am...I told her what I will and won't pay for. And the divorce got filed today. A lot of talk about how she wants to come back but can't and harbors too much anger and resentment toward me so if she was going to start over why start over with me ..Yada yada....But she is still seeing him obviously...So it's all bs. I have gotten to the point of acceptance.

I would still be open to a conversation if she stopped he poor decision making. But I am set in my resolve to proceed. If that never happens. Then we will be divorced. She knows from my plan B letter where I stand. It's up to her.

The hardest part about all of this is just having to live with someone else's decision and trying to control as much as I can.

So I took my own power back and decided not to wait or try. She had a secret bank account...She has been talking to my oldest daughter about leaving... Lot done behind my back. A lot of sneaky betrayal. Came to the conclusion...In this case...There is nothing to hold onto my iThe woman I fell in love with is gone. Some other alien took over...But I am afraid that occupation is permanent. I deserve better.

She is a serial cheater..Wanted to be a SAHM...But never cooked, cleaned, did laundry, any household duties. She believes somehow she is entitled to an effortless life and an effortless love and I just have to let her go out and realize it does not exist. I tried. I can walk away knowing I did my best. I am a good man and a good father...And I will work on being even better

It hurts. It's the mourning of the loss of a life I had planned. But now...I just have to plan a new life . I'll check in

Jimbo, I am feeling much as you are (I guess many here are).
I am only a couple years younger than you and with our 22nd wedding anniversary in 10 weeks (together 24).

This last post hit me to reply, as I discovered, only about a week before D-Day #1, my WW also had a secret bank account, and had for years. Not long afterward, I discovered it was created to hide money OM1 was stealing from his own family and sending to her, and later her incrementally funneling our joint account money into it.
Also similarly, she had been apparently talking to our children about leaving and being with OM (in reality a complete impossibility), before I found out what was happening.

"Lot done behind my back. A lot of sneaky betrayal."
(too much for me to list and realizing more on a regular basis)

She is also a serial cheater.
Was also a SAHM for much of our marriage yet stopped almost all household duties long before separating (later telling me it should have been clear to me she was having an affair, from this fact alone).

"...entitled to an effortless life and an effortless love"
(I could write a lot about this being true as well)

I am sure many of these same things can be found in the circumstances of the members here, and all of them found in mine.

You are very much not alone.

Jim AND PTSD,
Sadly Jim's description of his serial cheating WW matches up with many of us who post here, yours truly included. Given that your spouses are both serial cheaters, it is not unreasonable to go into Plan B. I decided to do so with my WW who is also a serial cheater.

Going in to Plan B doesn't erase the pain of the betrayal and the break up of your family, but it mitigates the pain and will help you to move forward in a much healthier manner. It's the best choice I made. I wish you both luck. God bless.

I am in plan b. The problem is she is a narcissist. She see no wrong in her ways and puts the blame on every one else. So much has happened since my last post. But I journal everyday. She got served today... At his address. I have proof of the engagement and I have a message from her talking me that her OM buys her gas, smokes, food, and gave her a credit card to use. So I have established cohabitation for Ohio against alimony. I also journal her activity with the Kids. My 12 yo doesn't even want mom around anymore...and all three want to stay with me...WW left the marital home...took our minivan and left us stranded... I had to buy another. And has given up all responsibilities in their lives so my case for custody since this is their home and staying is least impactful.

When she got served today...the narcissist cane out. Nothing if her fault and these are all my choices. I responded that j m protecting them from her choices. I am doing it for them... Not to her.

She doesn't get it...don't think in her state she can. The house was still a hoarded mess and she threatened me with CPS today....so I did what I have wanted to do for years. I started boxing and bagging all her crap... And stored it all in the master...exactly in the mess I found it in. The house is now clean. It felt so good.

I am not longer a wreck. My house with the kids is so much less stressful...happy.... Loving. Every day with the Kids is better.

Its been Amazing. Her loss.

Can't go zero contact because if the Kids. But I am using the greystone method if dealing with her. Not feeding Ber attempts to hurt me.

I have no hope for reconciliation. If she changed... We could have a conversation. But so far. I am much better off.

You are not in Plan B.

Yes you can. People do it everyday.