But this


does not square with this:


Dr. Harley's advice very beautifully parallel the Bible in 100's of more ways than he explicitly lays out on this site.

Just like we can't "giver" our way into a relationship with God, we can't "giver" our way into relationships here either.

All of our righteousnesses are as filthy rags to God. Romans 3 says there is none righteous, no not one and then goes on to explain that our righteousness is only through Christ.

Do you see that God puts no value on your giver with respect to your salvation? Your giver earns you nothing with God! Regardless of the extent of your giver and magnificent works, you will still be sent away on that day if you don't KNOW God through Jesus Christ.

In parallel (marriage is often described in the Bible as a parallel to our relationship with Christ), many spouses who are the recipients of another spouse's sacrificial giver on the level of what you have described have no earthly idea that the other person is sacrificing and have therefore no gratitude or appreciation for all this sacrifice. And, if they were informed of it, they wouldn't want it!

I cannot tell if this is all exactly the case with your husband; it is just clear to me from your description there is a lot of giving going on that he isn't aware of.

And worse yet, you experience a sort of panic if you don't give others 'enough' (unknown to them).

A sort of panic that is running your life and ruining your marriage.

I hope you do practice relaxing at the first sense of stress and redirecting your reaction patterns by purposefully distracting yourself from the destructive response, like we discussed above.

I will try. Thank you.

Radio Clip of mommaelain's question
Segment 2
Segment 3

May I ask for the information on the Giver/Taker? I am trying to better understand how to control AO as my husband and I are often triggering anger in a downward spiral.

Tx

Your AOs are not directly related to your Giver and Taker. They are an immature reaction to conflict (think tantrums and two year olds). You 'control' your AOs by no longer having them. It is a bad habit that can build over time as a way of punishing your spouse for not doing what you want him to. You need to learn to discuss the issue that caused the conflict like a grownup and negotiate a solution. Sometimes that needs to be done later when the crisis is over. If that is the case, leave the scene of the crime until you can do that.

You mention your husband having AOs too. You cannot control someone else, only yourself. But, once you have cleaned up your side of the street, tell him that his AOs upset you. Then at the next AO say nothing but leave the room. Later tell him that he has a choice; stop the AOs or go into anger management. If he says he will try to stop, tell him that this is a very dangerous choice because if he fails, he will be sleeping at his mother's house. Either he can stop by himself or he cannot, no half way.

Angry outbursts have to be eliminated first. You can't negotiate in the face of angry outbursts. Check out this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602#Post2603602