My WH comes back from England on Monday, and from the e-mails the OW has sent him, I believe that he will have some bad news for me - that the OW is going to leave her husband and they are going to be together.<P>Now, I'm not too upset at the prospect of this - I believe that this could be a good thing in disguise, because it's the first step to them living in the real world and not in their fantasy bubble. I believe that has to happen before this bubble finally bursts.<P>I have the advantage of being forewarned about what may happen too - so I'm trying to plan the 'best Plan-A reply' that I can. I don't want to Plan B just yet - my WH is very naive about women (I was his first and only girlfriend up to the A), and he has never been hurt before. When this bubble bursts it's going to really hit him hard - he truly thinks all women are as trustworthy as I am, so he is giving her his heart on a plate!<P>So, any ideas how I should reply to this? This is what I've thought of so far:<P>"I understand that you need to do this. I also value your friendship a great deal and believe that it is important to continue as friends for the sake of ourselves, and our children. I will do my best not to let my own emotions get in the way of that friendship. I care about your happiness"<P>I don't want to say anything about loving him at this stage - I think I've done too much of that and it's smothering him at the moment. What do you think?<BR>Paint.

<P>I think if that happens, IF that happens your best response is Plan B. He is not going to get a taste of reality if he doesn't see reprocussions and have the chance to miss the needs you fill for him. Definitely B all the way if that happens. Study the advice from Harley on Plan A and B again just to refresh yourself.<P>

Als, you might get a kick out of this thread on men and their naivity w/ OW here in recovery- get ready. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003339.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003339.html</A> <BR>

Paintbox - I'm impressed with your analysis of where you are in this. Having the advance warning puts you in a powerful position. As ScaredInNy says, this could be a good time for Plan B just to completely drive home the separation decision. But, I encourage you to seek the advice of Steve Harley if you consider doing this. If you haven't already completed and demonstrated your Plan A improvements, Plan B will prevent you from doing this. If you have demonstrated your improvements, Plan B makes more sense, but if you can still meet ENs ala Plan A, and you can avoid LB'ing, an argument can be made to continue with Plan A. Another option is to continue Plan A into the separation for awhile to see what happens before going to Plan B. Talk to Steve if at all possible.<P>Regardless, your immediate reaction can be calm because of your information. No doubt, he will expect you to react with emotion. I recommend you speak your true feelings, taking advantage of the advance warning to do so calmly.<P>WAT

WAT - having had amost 2 weeks entirely alone, as he's been on vacation with the kids, I've had the chance to do a lot of philosophising about this situation - and I'm feeling so much better about everything, see everything so much clearer, am so much more confident!<P>My WH moved out the day after D-Day - first into a hotel, then into an apartment, so I've not had too much chance to Plan A effectively, although I've done what I can via e-mail and phone calls and trying to be nice when he comes to pick the kids up. I also really, really want him to continue to build up a relationship with the children - this is one good thing to come out of this mess, as he's really trying with them. That's why I want to try and keep going with Plan A for a while - theoretically I should have Plan B'd as soon as we separated, but then I'd have had no chance at all to Plan A! In my situation a Plan B will be very difficult, as we have no-one to act as a 'middle man' to pass messages on etc., I can't do a proper Plan B unless I move back to England, and I don't want the hassle of that yet. Plan A it has to be I'm afraid...<p>[This message has been edited by Paintbox (edited June 08, 2001).]

Paint,<P>I agree with what WAT said. Also, I'd like to say that I'm so impressed with how you are handling this. You are under control, and doing it right. Good job.<P>Regarding this:<P>"I understand that you need to do this. I also value your friendship a great deal and believe that it is important to continue as friends for the sake of ourselves, and our children. I will do my best not to let my own emotions get in the way of that friendship. I care about your happiness"<P>I personally think that you should not come at it from the angle of being friends. Just my opinion. I would want to instead take the position that this hurts you, you would rather work on the marriage, you are still committed, and leave it at that.<P>See what others think though.<P>I know you'll do fine.<P>Added: Plan A seems like your best option. Given your frame of mind, and how you are dealing with this, you are in a good position to do it, plus as you say, B would be hard now.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 08, 2001).]

Well, going back to England isn't an option, so I concede to A with y'all. <P><"I would want to instead take the position that this hurts you, you would rather work on the marriage, you are still committed, and leave it at that."><P>I agree 100% with this statement- think about it!<P>

Paintbox - two thoughts:<P>First, I also like Rick's suggestion.<P>Second - Not just to keep dancing with ScaredInNY , I don't think you need to move back to England to do Plan B. True, a "proper" Plan B needs an intermediary, but many of us can't do that regardless of where we live. My Plan B will use e-mail and voice mail instead of a middle person. I encourage you to keep Plan B as an option when you need it - when you are close to the end of your rope.<P>WAT

Oh WAT- beautiful suggestions. HH are you reading this?<BR>

Paint,<BR>I agree with Rick37, but how about incorporating thefreindship aspect into being committed to making the marriage work. <P>JK

Paint,<P>You seem more confident of yourself. You know you care for your H and want him to put forth effort. You deserve that. Showing care and stating so is better at this time than saying "I love you". As I stated in another thread, I have come to the conclusion (based on my experience) that those in the fog, really don't know what the true meaning of love is. To tell them " I love you" too much is like spitting in the wind because they take it very different than we mean it. OP & WS say I love you to each other almost every chance they get. Do they mean it? Can they make it have the true meaning between them? Probably not. <P>Going on that analysis, I have resorted to proving to H that I do care for thim and by word and deed. That has proved to be make greater deposits into his bank than those words (which tend to remind him of OW). <P>Keep up your strength. You are doing good. <P>Oh, by the way WAT, you are getting really good in your posts. Starting to sound like a counselor. I really mean that as a compliment. Glad to see you in control. <P>Take Care, <P>L.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited June 08, 2001).]

JK - I agree.... that as part of the marriage you want to be best friends.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 08, 2001).]

Thanks! Yes - I do feel in control - actually I feel pretty wonderful at the moment, but then I'm on a real 'up' - I'm just hoping that the inevitable 'down' doesn't come before Tuesday!<P>I'm printing out your suggestions, then I'm off to sit in the park and have a good think about them, I like your ideas! <P>Of course - as ScaredinNY said - this MAY not happen - I know the OW has sent her husband away for the weekend, and is NOT planning on contacting either him, or my husband, to give herself time to think about this. I also know she is feeling a bit pressured by my husband at the moment. I just want to be prepared for the worst....<P>love ya, Paint.