This might be long, but I think all the details are needed. We have been together for 20 years and married for 18 of those. My job in the Navy requires me to be gone for up to six months at a time. I have always had unconditional love and trust for her until recently. The computer has brought to light some of the things that I might not have been privvy to over the years.<P>A few years ago, W had threatened to leave me if my heavy drinking continued. I broke down and all but quit drinking to keep her around. Throughout this time, I had stumbled across some e-mails that she had been sending other men. Discounting it all as innocent flirtation, I simply questioned them, and would have let it be at that point. I was immediately accused of "invading her privacy", and not trusting her. Welllll, that accusation triggered a slight distrust towards her actions, but I continued to discount the e-mails as harmless flirting but became more curious.<P>At the time, my job had me in network administration and working closely with computers and their related files. So I used my skills to probe a little deeper. Not once had I considered any of the chat, e-mails, e-cards, or other files as harmful to our relationship.<P>Occasionally throughout the next two years, I had ran across some suttle "more than flirtatious" remarks, and asked indirect questions (to avoid accusations) to get to the truth. A few of these questions might have been more indiscrete than planned (probably due to my lack of patience) and the accusations flew again. Suddenly, I was a sneaky [censored] who didn't trust his wife of 17 years.<P>Just after this, I had to separate for six months. We maintained communications via phone, e-mail, chat etc. We had both bought Webcams, and even video phoned each other.<P>For the first few months, our communications were mostly decent. We even had a contest to see if we can turn each other on so bad that we had to go and masterbate. All the time, I tried to get her come and visit me for a few days. She adamantly refused, saying that we didn't have the money, and she couldn't get the time off work.<P>Suddenly, and I mean out of the clear blue, she purchased a plane ticket and paid me a visit. We laughed, loved, and partied for the few days she was there, and she left.<P>From that point, the e-mails seemed like something you would get from your boss. Short, to the point, no emotions, and a tasking was usually involved.<P>During the six months that I was gone, my oldest child had joined the military, moved out of the house to the first duty station, and gotten married.<P>About a month before my return home, her words troubled me. She admitted that a part of her was not looking forward to my return. That she had become independant, and didn't have to answer to anyone. She wanted that to continue when I came home.<P>When I returned, the feeling of love and caring seemed to have disapated some, but I disregarded due to the recent long separation. Throughout the next few months, the feeling became greater.<P>Then I had to leave again for a few weeks, and this is where the trouble began. When I returned, she began to spill the beans about her meetings. She agreed to meet two other men on separate occasions whom she met in chat rooms on the Internet. One of them flew from out of state for nothing but the meeting. The other was local.<P>To my surprise, my attempts to make her understand my disapproval, I was accused of not allowing her to have any friends. My concern was based on the dangers of meeting someone who could be anyone, and the fact that she had taken my other child to the meeting. I called her meetings "dates", saying that it was inappropriate for a married person to date other people.<P>Suddenly, I had been thrust into major feelings of distrust, disbelief, and loneliness. Along with the good ol' "silent treatment". I was told that I could not be trusted to be told anything, and she would not confide in me ever again.<P>This was a couple of months ago, and she has held true to her promise. <P>Since then, I have used my computer skills to delve in deeper into her chat conversations as well as the Web sites she has visited.<P>I found such things as priceline.com, where she has inquired the price of a plane ticket out of state; several chats that had her meeting people and; questionable e-cards and e-mails sent to OM.<P>Just last night, I got my facts together and confronted her on this, providing her with an ultimatum: continue the meetings and I find a some other place to live. <P>She broke down, all the time in an uncaring manner, saying things like I won't let her have her own friends, I don't trust her, and that I am too controlling. <P>The trigger to confront her, an arrangement to meet another man next week, so far, has not been cancelled.<P>All throughout this, I had questioned my love for her, wondered if it were me who was the one with a problem. The answer...I love her dearly...maybe even more now since this has happened. <P>Confronting her hurt bad. I felt as though I were attacking her and that she had no other alternative other than to defend herself. Her silence still continues...she won't share what is on her mind and most important questions go unanswered.<P>I am lost. I don't know anymore if my distrust has grown so much that my love is gone too or if my original suspicions are correct and she has lost love and interest in me. Either way, I know that the marriage is heading for disaster.<P>I know that there are always two stories to every situation such as this, but since she doesn't tell me much, I don't have any of her story. But the original question remains....<P>Who's right?

Popeye, I usually post in Recovery, but came here looking for my friend..found you instead.<BR>The question of right and wrong is beside the point...your marriage is heading for a disaster.<BR>Please read everything on this website about affairs...read about Plan A..study it like you would your technical manuels..this is where you need to be right now..Plan A'ing as if your marriage depends on it. If your local bookstore has the "After An Affair" Book..get it...much of the stuff is on this site under the infidelity articles, but the book is a bit more in depth.<BR>It does sound as if your wife is having an EA at least (emotional affair) and is a step away from a PA (physical affair). You can recover from both of these and have a great marriage, but it takes time, patience and work.<BR>Now scoot, go read and then post back here...if I don't find you for a while, post to me on recovery board.<BR>T<BR>PS. your story interested me..Ex Navy wife...need I say more?

Twyla,<BR>I can read anything in the world right now, and still not be any farther ahead than I am now. You have to understand that I can't even get an answer from her if I ask her if she took the trash out. She refuses to talk to me and that I know is not healthy.<P>Also, I know my marriage is heading for disaster, and after reading Plan A, Plan B, I realize that I have already done that. I am now at plan B. Up until the other night when I confronted her, I have been calm, I don't think I was demanding, but more "curious" than anything. You answered my question, "who's right?" with the statement "It does sound as if your wife is having an EA at least (emotional affair) and is a step away from a PA (physical affair)." And I understand that there is no need for finger pointing or accusations at this time. But, I just needed to know if I was close to being right by calling this situation an "affair".<P>I'll keep posting back here. I hope others find the time to read this lengthy post too.<P>Thanks

Dear p0peye,<BR>It doesn't matter who is right when the Policy of Joint Agreement is in force. Read all about it...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement</A>