Alright my H has done a complete 180 - again. I am getting so sick of this.<P>Now my H is going back to school (where OW is), staying in his apartment and "figuring things out", since apparently he does not KNOW again what he wants (last night he ENLIGHTENED me, guess he's no longer committed to me, huh?). <P>Our fights are all about stupid fogese stuff. He says that I'm just mad because he's not doing things MY may. I say, what is my way?? There is no my way, there is OUR way. I want to decide what is best for BOTH of us - together. He says that just because he wants to continue school FOR HIM that I am getting all mad and trying to control him.<P>AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!<P>He is the one that, out of the blue, said that he was not going to school this fall, he'd allowed himself ONE out, which was IF the new school he wanted wouldn't take all his transfer credits. This has not happened, he just did a total 180 and changed his mind. I told him this, HE chose this, not me, how can he get upset when I try to work towards what HE SAID HE WAS DOING. He says can't he change his mind, I say sure, can't I be upset about it? He then goes on to cite all these fake instances where I changed my mind and he wasn't allowed to get mad... They didn't even HAPPEN!! Oh, so frustrating.<P>He was finally diagnosed by the counselor. His counselor says his mood swings are at least partially situational and not biological, but he's not sure if all of them are. It's a fine line. I say, I wish I could talk to his DAM* counselor. I hope the counselor is right, but I highly doubt it.<P>So, right now, my husband has no clue what he wants, in two weeks OW will be back at his school and he thinks he can manage to provide extraordinary precautions and protect me by staying in his apartment, changing his schedule so he's in school EVERY day, instead of just 2 days (his theory is that he will stay busy so he won't have time for her... not that he'll BE there more often to see her), and allowing one or two of the kids to stay at HIS place (where I still don't know where it is and they have never been) 1-2 nights a week when he is not working 3rd shift...<P>Yeah, right. He pretty much has gone back on everything tangible he has told me and is back in la-la land. And his excuse? Oh, I knew he was like that and that he likes to change his mind and I shouldn't believe what he tells me!! <P>And I'm pretty sick of it. He expects me to just WAIT around and give him everything he dam* wants while he "figures it out". NO WAY. I don't care, I'm NOT doing it. <P>I am NOT okay with this so-called PLAN of his that won't work, and I'm NOT okay with this new attitude he has. He's back to blaming me for EVERYTHING and he changes everything that I say around so that it means something completely different...<P>At one point he was interested in the MB plan and was going to research it, etc. Now he says I am PUSHING him and we need to take it slow. Bullsh*t. <P>We talked more about control and I think that my control issues focus directly from not being able to trust him. Or at least, the things he complains about aren't REALLY control issues. They are trust issues. I don't trust him. I haven't for quite some time. He says he needs his space and alone time. I say I have no problem giving this to him, but I NEED TO TRUST HIM. I said, I'm working on the tiny bit of controlling behavior I still have leftover from when we were first married (I was extremely bad then), but I don't think it's going to fix what he's looking for. <P>I'm done. I am so pi**ed at him right now. <P>I say I want to do what we BOTH want. But if he chooses to do what HE wants, then what am I supposed to do? He says that he's giving me what I want (trying to get back together). I say, excuse me? I think we need to talk about what it is that I want again, cuz' I aint' getting it. He says that just because he's not doing it MY way doesn't mean he's not trying. <P>AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!<P>His way is what I told you above. No plan, him far away, me catering to him hand and foot, and OW right there in college with him. Like I'm supposed to believe that they will not get back together just because HE says right now he doesn't want her back. NO that will NOT work. I don't care, it won't, I don't even want to try it, it's not worth my effort...<P>He left to go sleep at HIS place because we were fighting. He's still looking into moving to VA in January. But that is after DAM* OW leaves forever to Colorado. I can't wait for that. NO. I'm just supposed to live in hel* for 4 months and then up and leave with him to start a new life??? If he wants to start a new life, then we do it NOW, not PLAN to do it 4 months from now. What the he** is that about?<P>What do I do? I can't reason - he just turns EVERYTHING around on me. I'm not okay with the current situation, and I can't go to freakin' plan B because he just totally rips that apart as me "out to get him". <P>I mean what's up with this total turnaround? Another mood swing or something? I wish the dam* counselor would put him on some medication to control that. <P>I'm open to any suggestions you have on how I should proceed from here. I mean, Jenn told me I had to work on a plan and to see if I could get him to accept the MB plan, or at least one that would benefit both of us. <P>Now, I am just lost. Given his new state of mind and "plan", I'm like, what do I do? I either talk to him and try to reason about his decision (seen as me controlling him), try to get him out of my life again until he figures things out (never worked in the past), or I just go with it and continue getting hurt for the next 4 months +. <P>Lose, Lose, lose. <P>I have been doing an AWESOME job at stopping the little controlling I was doing. The problem is that I'm not addressing his TRUST issues, because I don't DAM* trust him!!! <P>The harley principles go DIRECTLY against what my H wants, cuz' he sees it as taking away his freedom. The extraordinary precautions, and all the stuff that is meant to re-build trust, he just sees it as me controlling him and not allowing him any freedom to do what he wants. I try to explain that this will happen once I can trust him, little by little, but that doesn't fly. <P>So, I guess he wants me to blindly trust him, when he gives me absolutely no reason to. I blindly trusted him 3 years ago, and see where that got me? I found out about a "sexual encounter" he had when we were first married (5 years previous) and instead of us dealing with it and re-building my trust, we shoved it under the rug, vowed to never talk about it, and I'm just supposed to trust him like nothing happened. How can I trust this man now given my past and given that he doesn't do anything to regain my trust??????<P>Tell me why I should have been okay with the following situations:<BR>-My husband going on an overnight school trip with 4 other single woman and 3 single men in a hotel. <BR>-My husband going out to the movies/party with 4-5 other single women/men in a group.<BR>-My husband going out and me not knowing where he is.<P>These are the things he says used to bug him cuz' I would hound him and want to know everything about what he was doing.<P>I'm sorry, but you don't get my trust until you earn it. Am I just supposed to blindly trust him again right now and TRUST that he will not get back with OW (or anyone else for that matter) while we are "dating", especially when he does very little to make me believe to the contrary.<P>Please, tell me how I can best phrase my words so they will not seem controlling in any way/shape/form, yet still get the point across. His plan sucks. It can't be beneficial to our marriage.<P>I mean, great, he'll still be in counseling, and he wants to "date" me when he FEELS like it. How can I put up with that given how low my love bank is? <P>What do you all think?<BR>HbH

Oh yeah, did I mention that POJA is controlling? Oh yeah. We went through the whole thing the other day regarding his school.<P>We both decided (yes/yes) that he should try to switch schools in the fall and if that didn't work, then the next best thing was for him to continue school, but take the extraordinary precautions I needed so that I could feel protected, and perhaps he could move in with a friend instead of staying at his apartment.<P>Apparently he decided that this was just my way of trying to control him and get what I wanted, and he feels like he is agreeing to the secondary solution (just bypassed the first) because he's doing the extraordinary precautions HE came up with on how he thinks he can avoid OW. These same ones that I was adamantly opposed to when he brought them up 2 weeks ago as a possible solution...<P>Oh yeah, and the entire time he spent at school, alone, by himself, is not considered free time that I didn't know what he was doing and I trusted him. It doesn't count for some stupid reason he came up with... Me not having access to his voicemail and him free to do what he wanted on that - doesn't count cuz' I was always around when he was checking it... ?**&%^&??<P>I know this breeds of contact with OW. I asked my H, of course he denies it. I doubt there was real contact, but one never really knows. Phone/email is a good possibility. Either that or my horrific ex-best friend is getting her claws into him again and feeding him with negative thoughts about me. Or something snapped in his head AGAIN, and he's off to the other side of the charts...<P>Thanks for listening to me vent. I really don't know what to do with this man.<BR>HbH

AAAAAAAHHH!!!'<P>This man is going to drive me insane. I just got off the phone with him after he woke up.<P>Everything is hunky-dory. We didn't fight this morning, we "disagreed". He says he hopes I can sleep well tonight since there is no reason not to... ?*(&(*&@#!!!!! (last night I slept horrible cuz' he had enlightened me about him not being sure that I am what he wants anymore).<P>I said, what about our big fight, shouldn't I worry about that? He says no, everything is fine.<P>I really think someone needs to go lock me up now. I am just totally clueless and lost.<BR>

I am beginning to think you need to go on a date with om, not an affair mind ya, just out having fun with a "friend". But what do I know. Be absolutely sure your H does KNOW, in fact invite him along if he agrees to keep his mouth shut.

I haven't had time to read all this...just wanted to say count to 10...okay 1 million....breathe...breathe...breathe...<P>Cali

I absolutely have no words of wisdom...NONE...<P>just [[[[[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] for you....<P><BR>Love,<BR>Cali

Thanks my friends. Glad to know you are still here. <P>SnL, I just gotta tell you something. I'll start another post for you. <P>Cali, glad you know you are here. I have absolutely no words of wisdom for me either, I am so absolutely confused.<P>Perhaps I need to read up some more on mood swings, it's all I can think of. I try so hard, I read and read, I don't LB, I put up with everything and keep going on, but it is never good enough. It's never what needs to be done, or the right thing to do. Perhaps more than I want to admit is my fault and I am incapable of accepting it, so I rationalize it all away. I really did mean things that I just don't think I did. Maybe. Or perhaps, I am just married to a man who will one day drive me insane and put me in the loony bin...<P>