I really really want to ask my H to come home i know that makes me sound stupid as i asked him to leave but this space to think what he wants is just giving him the chance to do as he pleases and im sure if he was here i could work on a real good plan A and not only that this morning when i asked if he was getting anywhere as he had had half his time he looked blank and said who said anything about a time limit, it was him who said a couple of months now i feel it could be endless and im sure if it goes on to long he wont come back what do you guys think ask or leave well alone??<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

I know how you feel. I would like my wife to come home too. But, the fact is while she is still having an affair it's better that she's gone. Affairs are a fantasy world. <P>If he was at home, would the affair end? Probably not. What can be done for the affair to end? Let it burn itself out. If they have to try to function in the real world, paying bills, cleaning the house and so forth, the fantasy goes away a lot quicker. The real world is a pain to people living in a fantasy world.<P>Almost all affairs end. You just need to wait for that to happen. If he's away it will end faster. Probably not right away but faster than if he was at home.<P>Just hang in there. I know how you feel. I miss my wife terribly, but I have to wait for her to decide. I know I want our marriage to work, but she doesn't know what she wants yet. And I can't force her to want to work on it.<P>Here is a question for you Lizzle. What are you doing now that he's gone to make YOU a great catch? Why would he want to come back to YOU? You have control over the answers to those questions!

Hi Lizzle,<P>Me again. You are going to feel like you are in an endless cycle of despair. That is the power of the WS. They know they have us that way. Whether they do it intentionally or not will vary and if they have control over themselves in this or not will also vary. Regardless of their ever changing state of confusion, you have to control the part that you have control over. What are some of those things? <P>You have control over how you spend your time, what you choose to do while he is away. You can choose to be productive or just sit and weep. Ok, it is ok to cry sometimes and it does relive some inner stress but crying can also add to stress. So balance it out. Learn your stress points. Study hard Lizzle. Understanding the WS is not easy. Getting into the mind of a confused and mixed up person is what some people go to school and study for years. Then they go and get paid for it!!! We have to catch up and surpass those paid professionals to save our families. You see the task ahead of you? <P>Yet it is not impoosible. You have our support, good tools here and your inner circle of your support where you live to help you get through this mess. In the end you will have turned this awful event into a learning experience and while it will always be a sore spot in your life, you will have learned and grown from it. Hopefully your H will have come out a better person for all this effort. That though will be up to him. <P>In the meantime, you have a lot to do. Asking him to come home before he emotionally can could be devasting. Like the sqauare peg in the round hole, he may feel that he does not fit in with you anymore. My H has left his family, relatives and all his friends to be with the OW who has not given him any other friends. She says she has plenty but he has not met any of them. Talk about selfish. <P>How long is it taking my H to figure all this out? Going on 1 year now. Slow learner? To us, yes. To him, he is still confused and trying to decide whether to follow his selfish and wayward heart or listen to his reasonable mind. He has said the only place he can be truly happy is with his family yet he has this internal struggle to fight his happiness. The choice is easy for all who see this but difficult for him. Right now I have no control over that choice. I periodically only now am able to let him know my needs. He is beginning to appreciate that. It has taken me 10 months of sheer torture to get to that point. Was it worth it. I hope so. <P>So I encourage you to hang in there, you may have a shorter journey than others but all our roads contain a challenge. <P>Take care and have a nice date.... <P>L.<BR>

Orchard i have replied to you on other post, thankyou for you sound advice once again it means so much to me.<P>Hi Sad thankyou for your reply, i feel much better now and realise hes got to want to come home and if i ask him to now i will be right back to where ive been the last 14 months, i just miss him so much after 26 years with him.<BR>In my head i know this is for the best but my heart is not agreeing just yet.<BR>Im sure it will get better with time.<BR>thankyou again.<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

lixxle,<BR>You are getting some sound advice here on the forum, by the way your little saying after your name really sums everything up for me.<P>I would have to go along with the other two, I think until he has cleared from the fog and wants to return home you will be better on your own. Make sure you make the most of your time however, take a good look at yourself and make sure you keep the communication flowing between you and your H, either by e-mail, text or simply cards, I've been sending cards to my W for about 2 months now, 1 every couple of weeks, she never says she has read them, but also she doesn't tell me to stop sending them either!<P>Slowly I've noticed some differences in her, and the fog appears to be lifting, but there is a long way to go.<P>Take care,<P>mands

Hi Mands thanyou for your reply makes a lot of sense, iwas just feeling a bit down this morning bit better now.<BR>The saying under my name came from a friend i have a few more i will post when i have time.<BR>Take care<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

Yes lizzle, it is best if he wants to come home first. When my H left he said he would be gone for 2 months then would decide if he was coming home or if we were getting a divorce. Well, he tried to extend his stay after his 2 months were up, but he was staying at his mom's and she told him it was time for him to go home to his family. Well, the first couple of days he was home it was great...but then OW was back at work and although I don't think he is "seeing" her right now it is definitely hard. He has not fully commited to saving our marriage so I feel like I am still in limbo. And though I do enjoy having him home...I'm afraid to get too comfortable.<P>Expect the best but prepare for the worst. Tell your heart that he will be home someday, but be prepared for him not too. You will feel great strength knowing that you don't NEED him to come home, but that you do WANT him to come home.<P>Hang in there, Heck

I had a horrible day...look over in D/D.<P>I wanted to have him come home, but he doesn't want to. I told him, when ever he is ready to come home, we will be waiting, but he doesn't think I am what he wants...no he would rather a three times divorced slut. So what am I to do?

Nina2,<P>You have to decide whether you want the real H or the one he has become. Do you want to share your H with the OW? If not and he does not want to come, then really what good will he be to you and your family if he comes home 1/2 a man? <P>My H came home prematurely twice. I am still wondering about this 3rd time. Many warned me here that it was too early, but like yourself, I was afraid of losing him. So I made the fatal flaw of letting him come home too early and walk all over me. He had his cake (security of the home) and could eat it to (OW at his disposal). See OW is willing to settle for 1/2 a man. Why not, the other half she might be able to get from another man..... These OWs (manipulative ones who persue and plunder) are never in want..... they are selfish creatures who know how to please themselves. Even pleasing our H's are not their #1 priority. <P>That decision took me on a roller coaster ride that I would not wish on anyone. During this ride I got pregnant and OW claimed the same. I miscarried and OW claimed the same. Are you getting this? I did not have to go through all this cr&p....... I should have let him stay out there longer. Like this last time. He begged to come home for 10 days straight, then when he finally was able to call from OWs house and ask to come home with OW yelling in the background "L. take him back". I let him come home. It has been 3 weeks but 3 rough weeks for me and he is doing better than the last time but still has a ways to go. <P>So think about your request. I understand your feelings but the man out there may not be the same one you knew before. <P><BR>L.