I've been thinking on that question for quite some time. I have been in Plan A for 5 months and my H is back, but he is not, if ya get the idea. He said all the stuff when the A was out in the open, but now there is nothing. He says he loves me but he is NOT listening to me. I'm referring to needs here. I've been doing real good on not bringing up his A. HE now calls it a big mistake, i'm like it is called an A not a big mistake,ok dear?? Lets at least get that one straight. ANyhow, H is not wanting to really work on our marriage, its as if he wants it to go back where it was. And it was not good then. Do WS's do that?? I"m confused about that. I wanted him to at least show some kind of move toward me and our marriage. Its like his life went on as usual and mine stopped dead in the tracks. So irritating to me!!I don't think the man actually understands what he did or does he?? you can't just act like nothing happened and were just fine. LIke i don't think so. I've been sitting back and looking at him and his actions and wondering... did i miss these major character flaws in him??? He is still very selfish and self centered. He's beeen this way our whole marriage, and now i'm really seeing it?? Hello? do i need to wake up and smell the coffee?? Its not like I dwell on his A like i used to. I'm doing much better. I start school next month which will be good for me. Its just that, i'm getting closer and closer to telling my H to take a flying leap. IF this is your idea of what a marriage should be, go away from me. You don't deserve me.<P>

Hi paytonrose, I am dealing with these very same issues I have posted some threads about this exact subject and have made some replys as well. My Wh is also showing so interest in rebuilding our marriage its been over year now and I am tired and worn out. He needs to show me that he wants to do everything and anything possible, and right now he is showing no interest at all not even in the kids!!He is selfish and self centered also. He has been running the show to long. you are so right when you say that his life went on and my life stopped in its tracks, thats exactly how I feel. How much do us BS have to but up with?? don't we derserve to be loved and cared for??? And no they can't act like nothing happened, but they do!!!!! mine certainly does!He goes and has sex with another woman and I'm the one with the problem?? I don't think so. Seems there is a lot of these feelings going around today. Well wish I could give you some advice, but just wanted you to know I know where your coming from, Love Sally

Paytonrose,<P>You sound just like me after I caught my husband carrying on an internet affair with his old GF. He just wanted to go on his merry way after the damage was done, like nothing happened. That didn't fly with me either. <P>I was not sure I wanted to try and stay in a marriage with a man with such a low character and assured him that he would have to RE-PROVE himself to me to keep me. Otherwise I had no interest in pursuing my marriage with him. Period. I had a real hard time feeling ANY love or passion for him after I discovered that he was the kind of man who would do something like that. That kind of man is a weasel in my opinion. <P>So I laid out what I expected from him, ie: total honesty, devotion, respect, absolute openess, affection, etc. If he was willing to do those things then I would consider staying with him. That was last October and with the exception of some confrontations early on, it has developed beautifully. I am falling back in love with him and have learned to trust him again [I verified all along that nothing was going on!] However, I had to continue talking to him and telling him what I needed and several times I confronted him with the pain I felt. Now, those may not be MB principles, but they did work for me and I can now live in some relative peace and enjoy my marriage.

DANA114, I just read your reply to me. I have outlined to my H what i wanted, in verbal and written form, but to no avail. ITs like its just another thing on his to do list thta he feels he has to do. I'm just about to tell him, you know what BUD, I don't want you. I am not waiting years and years for you to decide that You want to have a life with me. If you don't want to then let me go. Let me be loved by someone else in the future. Quit feeding me lines to pacify me when you really want out. IF ya want out then leave. I will be fine and so will our kids. I haven't said this to him,but i sure feel like i want to. I have bent over backwards for him, and i'm not getting results for my efforts. Part of me thinks that he has gone back to her, but i don't have any proof. His behavior is starting to match up like before. And if he has gone back or has found someone else, it sure won't be because I haven't met his needs or done everything to save this marriage. It would be because he's got a problem. And this time, if he has done it again, there is no way on this earth i would ever take him back. NOt even if he was crying and begging me too. It woould be sorry BUD but you had your chance to win my heart back and YOU blew it. Good bye and see you later tater. I know i'm venting here alittle i'm just frustrated alot. PAytonrose

Wow-----my husband has not left yet and I fear what you are all saying. I fear if he wants back, what will I do. He seems so selfish to me that how could he ever be serious. <P>How frustrating for you ladies to be putting forth the effort and get no reward....I have tried to work on my marriage alone for many years...too many. And I am done with that, tired and hard enough. I have to heal now and take care of myself and see what the future holds. It is scary. I think our society is producing and creating some pretty disrespectful and irresponsible beings. I feel like no one can be faithful.....ugh- I hate feeling like this<BR>TW

Hi Paytonrose,<P>You are on the onset of recovery. I think it would be helpful if you took this question and put it on the recovery board. <P>You will be faced with a whole different set of issues and emotional feelings. From what I have seen (I have been in what I consider premature recovery), your feelings are not uncommon. However, don't throw it all away yet. There are some positive points you brought up but I don't think you want to acknowledge it yet. <P>See the BS has waited so long, tried so hard been to patient and set aside their needs that when signs of recovery show up, we want everything met at once. Return, restore and recover all in one swoop..... Realistic? No. At this time actually the BS is probably going to have the harder time because you are now more vulnerable. Your H may feel like, well I'm back. Or as my H said in one of his premature returns, "Well, at least you have me here". YUCK!!!!! Had to bite my tongue and still a few choice words slipped out. Boom!! out he went..... see it was too early for him to come back. No appreciation.....<P>Take this in small steps. He wants to call the A a mistake. Let him. It was a mistake, think about it this way better a mistake than a fond memory.....<P><BR>Is the glass half empty or half full?<P>L.<BR>

Paytonrose,<BR>You took the words RIGHT out of my mouth! My H, however, calls his A "the incident." Yeah, a 6-month INCIDENT! I am so with you right now. In fact, I told my H last night that I felt it was almost over with us. He had asked me how I thought counseling was going and how I felt about things. I don't think that was the answer he wanted. My H has also been selfish and self-centered for our entire 16 year marriage. Problem was I allowed it for a long time. When I finally started speaking out about it, I had so much anger towards him, I was verbally abusive to him. He claims THAT's why he went and had "the incident." Now his complaints are that he doesn't know if he can TRUST that I'VE truly changed! What a joke. Also, he wants me to "just get over it" as you've said. He says he understands that I can't trust right now, but he really doesn't. I'm waiting right now for a call from him. You see, after he came home and told me it was over with OW, I found out after 5 weeks that he'd been seeing her at lunchtime. So today, after our conversation last night about my needing reassurance, I told him that I needed for him to call me EVERY DAY at 12:20 to assure me that he wasn't having lunch with her. I told him if he was unwilling to do some reassuring, then I will be UNWILLING to begin to build the trust back. I said if he couldn't handle it, he could LEAVE. He said he would call me. He's got 11 minutes! I totally understand where you are coming from. We MUST stand up for our needs at some point. It sounds as if you've given it your all. Even if today it's just venting here, eventually enough will be enough. Take care and keep us posted.