In the beginning when my H first left before I new of his "friendship with OW we went to counseling together. I hated the counselor she just kept saying stuff to my H like don't go home if you're not ready and you shouldn't give into her. Forget that. She was no help in getting to the real issues we had to deal with. We found a new counselor we went seperately my H went one time and then bailed. I continue to go by myself he now sees my counselor as my buddy, my friend who will side with me. My counselor is just that a counselor not a friend he's there to do his job and help. I cant even get my H to do the questionaire's so I am trying to fill his EN's the best I can. What do I do? I truly feel that if he would at least go to counseling we may be able to get the help we need to save our marriage. Communication is a big problem for us. He sees things one way and I see it another and nothing ever seems to get resolved. Any suggestions? <BR>cybil

Cybil,<P>I too fought going to counseling, said I didn't need it, we didnt have any problem, everything was wonderful. My W made the first appointment and we went. I went several more times, but wasn't getting much out of it. I made several excuses lately why i couldn't go mostly the time schedule. But she kept going. Now she wants a seperation, and I freaked out and have started going to another counselor now, since the previous counselor said we needed to go to different one's????? <P><P>------------------<BR>

Cybil,<P>P.S.---Communication is our #1 problem.....she said when we would got to counseling, I wouldn't talk about my problem and I don't talk about your problems at home. I want to make this work, but having to do alot of soul searching these days. It's hitting me like a ton of bricks.<P>------------------<BR>

My H didn't want anything to do with counseling. He said he wasn't going to sit in a room with a total stranger and tell them our problems. All I did was make the suggestion about counseling and told him that our problems can be resolved and I think counseling can help us and our marriage. One thing I didn't do was call and make an appointment without him actually saying he wanted to go. I didn't pressure him about it and only brought it up once. He decided that maybe we should go. We have only been to one session and basically the therapist wanted to find out exactly what was going on. One thing I didn't do at counseling when the therpist asked "what our problems were", was tell her his problems too. I told her that I will tell her my problems that contributed to our separation and he has to tell you his. That made it a little smoother too because I didn't want him to think I was speaking for him. Our next session isn't until the 12th which makes it hard too because I want to get the ball rolling but our therapist was going on vacation. <P>I really don't know what changed my H's mind about going to marriage counseling. All I know is that he told the counselor he is confused and doesn't know if he wants to come back or not. I'm thinking that he needs someone to let him know he does have problems too and its just not me. Only time will tell.<P>

cybil,<P>I don't think you can "make" your husband go to counseling. If he does go because you urged him, he will resent it and not be open. Find a counselor you trust and keep going. Encourage H to find his own counselor. Maybe he will be more comfortable with a counselor of his choice. Have you read the page on this site about choosing a counselor? Maybe that will help.<P>Also, as you plan A and work on yourself, the positive changes he sees in you may encourage him to seek the same benefits for himself. I also think he will come around more as he begins to recover from his withdrawal from the A.<BR>For now, know that you are doing the best you can do for the both of you, and keep taking care of yourself.<P>FYI, my DIL who originally said an emphatic NO, is planning to attend the MB weekend with my son in Dallas this month.<P>BTW, cybil, I let you a note on the parent/in-law thread.<BR>Estes