Talked to my counselor today. She thinks I need to write a letter to OW and explain to her how I feel, use only I statements, so that she will know the magnitude of what I have done.<P>The counselor says, no matter what, I should write it. Whether or not I let H read it or actually mail it to her is up to me...<P>The problem is that I have ALOT more anger towards's OW than I do for my H. The counselor says it because I am making OW the scapegoat and that they are both equally responsible. That is tough for me to swallow. I HATE OW, I would truly put her in the hospital if I ever saw her. I know I would. No doubt... It is hard for me to feel that way about my H, and I fear that as well... I don't want to hate him for what he has done to me.<P>So, I am working on that, and thus the suggestion for the letter.<P>I will post the letter here in a day or two for comments. Gotta go through the emotions of writing it (that will be hard on me).<P>So, my question. Do you think I should send it? I was thinking of writing it, handing it to my H, telling him that I want OW to read this. He can do whatever he wants with the letter, including read it, but I want to believe that she got the letter. My counselor thought this was a good idea...<P>Of course, part of me wants to just send it and not tell my H (I think he will be mad). But, obviously that's a bad idea, I still want to do it though... <P>Then, there is the whole no contact issue. H wrote the letter, and I told my counselor it didn't seem right that I contact her with a letter, when my H asked her not to contact him... But, my counselor says she needs to know how I feel, and that she thought it was okay as long as I wasn't bashing OW.<P>I don't know. I am afraid to talk to my H about it, because I know he is just trying to forget about her... The counselor says I will never recover until I can get these feelings out though.<P>I do truly hate her, more than I've hated anyone in my entire life.<P>Suggestions/comments??<BR>HbH

I wanted to write this letter too, but after talking with my WH, I realized that it would be a MAJOR LB! He admitted that he would have to talk to the OW to make sure she was ok. In the end, I decided that it was not worth it, so I just write stuff in a journal instead.

Hurt...my first, even before reading, was to say NOOOO! don't send it...<P>I think you should write it...then I think you should have a flushing ceremony or burning ceremony!!!<P>and, I agree with counselor...I tend to demonize the OW...it is somehow easier to deal with H, if I feel he is less reponsible...if I feel he was seduced...posh!<P>He knew exactly what he was doing and did it anyway. But, we have to deal with that separately!! .<P>Hugs,<BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

HbyH..<P>I will add a couple of things...I know you are angry with OW, but sending it to her will do nothing for your stand with you H. I do understand you need to do something...so, write it and give it to H. Let him read it! Don't hold back anything you have to say! Get out the poison!!<P>My father passed away a few years ago. It was sudden and a shock to me. I never got to have *the talk* with Dad. There were many issues that I felt needed to be touched on, unfinished business. I had no recourse...he was gone! I was angry that he left me and we never talked about any of it!!<P>I had a friend that suggested I write a good-bye letter to my Dad, telling him good-bye and talking to him about all the things I never got to say before he died. I followed that suggestion, and what followed was a five page letter that was never sent anywhere, except to his soul. Subsquently, I wrote a couple more some months later, that were much more positive. It is not the sending it that matters, it is the ridding you of OW poison in your veins. The really sad part is, sending it could have a whole backlash with H that you dont want. Walls would go up, OW will certainly contact him again. Your need to have her KNOW how you feel, will fall on deaf ears...she could care less!! So write the letter for you....noone else needs to even see it, unless you want H to know how you feel.<P>I would not send it out...save yourself more heartache, grief, and besides....chances are, if she knew it was from you, wouldn't give you the satisfaction of reading it. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart<BR>

HbH,<BR>Don't worry about sending the letter...just write it...you'll sit on it for a few days anyway. And I would suggest writing one to husband too...one that he'll never see...and get as much bile and anger out in both.<P>Remember the purpose of this is for you...if you dwell on what her/his reactions would be while writing, it will make them the focus...make their feelings more important than your own. That's why you use the I statements.<P>I suggest writing both and then sitting on them for a week. Tear up his after a week...you may feel enough cleansing to do the same with hers.<BR>T

HBH,<BR>Write the letter, definitely. Do NOT send it. As Trueheart says, SHE WON'T CARE! If she cared, she would NOT have ever gotten involved with your H, knowing he was married. Please believe me. When I talked to OW (a couple of times throughout all of this), I wanted to appeal to her sense of decency; the fact that she had a child, so of course she would understand how this was hurting my children. This OW HAD NO DECENCY. All she wanted was ME out of the picture, so she could have MY HUSBAND. I can tell you this; the reason you are angrier at her than you are at your husband is BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND!!! Can't your counselor figure that one out! I agree with venting about how you HATE the OW. Do it here. I don't even thing you should show it to your H. For me, my H doesn't see the EVIL in OW. I don't know if he ever will. I am NOT going to trash her anymore. I keep it to myself or talk to all of you. After you write the letter, let us read it and we can all sympathize with you. Then, lay it at the CROSS of Jesus. Let it go. I'm praying that you will be able to do this...<P>MOM

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtbyhubby:<BR><B><P>The problem is that I have ALOT more anger towards's OW than I do for my H. The counselor says it because I am making OW the scapegoat and that they are both equally responsible. That is tough for me to swallow. I HATE OW, I would truly put her in the hospital if I ever saw her. I know I would. No doubt... It is hard for me to feel that way about my H, and I fear that as well... I don't want to hate him for what he has done to me.<P><BR>HbH</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HBH,<P>I've been here before. You are wise to fear that you will hate your H. It will probably happen at some point. Just be prepared and don't express it like I did. All I did was hurt her. Be prepared to write that letter to your H and sit on it. After awhile you will be able to express it at a time when he can/will listen. <BR>Another thing, you are really wasting a lot of energy on OW. I'm not one to preach I felt exactly like you. It will pass with time and you will realize that it won't make you a better person for giving in to your urges (isn't that what your husband did?). I know how you are feeling but keep yourself under control. <P>who

<<<<<[QUOTE]Originally posted by Myownme:<BR>[B]HBH,<BR>Write the letter, definitely. Do NOT send it. As Trueheart says, SHE WON'T CARE! If she cared, she would NOT have ever gotten involved with your H, knowing he was married. Please believe me. When I talked to OW (a couple of times throughout all of this), I wanted to appeal to her sense of decency; the fact that she had a child, so of course she would understand how this was hurting my children. This OW HAD NO DECENCY. All she wanted was ME out of the picture, so she could have MY HUSBAND. >>>>><P>I can relate. ExOW had a child too. What kind of mother moves married men they are boinking into their house is another topic.. Anyway, the OW actaully tried to make ME feel guilty because her child wanted my H "to be her new Daddy and now she is heartbroken." She even admitted that H never promised her marriage or anything. When I pointed out that I was pregnant, due in afew weeks (which she was aware of, I found out 2 days after he moved in with her) and that he already had a family she said "But my daughter is already here, so that's what counts." God only knows where that kid's biological father was. Probably in deep hiding lol.<P>By all means write the letter, but DO NOT send it to the OW! The OW does not care abot your pain and will probably get a giggle out of your letter. It won't make her feel bad, guilty, etc. It will also give her a sense of pride that she is still an important force in your lives. I did say something to the OW about all the pain she caused and she said "Good. I'm glad." Don't give yours the satisfaction she would probably get from a letter.<p>[This message has been edited by fairydust (edited September 26, 2001).]

Write but don't send. I actually wrote a few versions of letters to OW. SO, my suggestion is to write the first one with all your emotions flowing - the "unplugged" version if you will. Say all the things you want to say, call her all the names you want to etc etc etc. Hang on to it for a few days if you wish and re read it a few times if you wish. Then DESTROY that letter. Just get all that anger and hatred OUT in the first letter, and then subsequent "letters" can be calmer and more "reasonable". I did this and BOY did it feel great. In fact, I still have an email in my "drafts" file that I wanted to send her when I found out she had contacted my H again - I read it from time to time just to "get it out" and then I leave it. I probably should delete that one now come to think of it!

Hey Hurt - <BR>(WARNING this turned out longer than expected )<BR>I agree it's a hard decision...ultimately though, I think you should do WHATEVER you need to do to help you recover...if part of your recovery involves keeping your H then I guess you'll have to consider his not wanting you to do it (if that's the case) but I would have serious questions as to WHY HE WOULD CARE if his affair with her is over.....to me, he should WANT to do whatever needs done to help you recover from the trauma he has inflicted on you.<P>This last Sunday, our OP had a note given to my husband at their workplace (she then made a melodramatic - tears a-flying - exit). He called me as he was reading the letter for the first time (at 5:00 in the morning!! ah!) so that he could read it to me as well. It basically stated her feelings for him (she's madly in love wakawakawaka) and that his "blowing her off and ignoring her" was killing her (boo f'ing hoo) and get this, she wants him to leave their place of work or at least change his schedule.....unbelievable..<BR>H and I were worried that this was going to lead to her calling him/attempting actual contact with him so I emailed her; Here's my email to her: <P>"I am emailing you because XXXX does not want any contact with you. <P>XXXX called me early this morning about you having a note handed to him. He relayed to me its contents. There is absolutely no chance that XXXX will be changing his work schedule. His new schedule combined with my new schedule allows us to spend more time together than we have in years. <P>XXXX wishes that he did not have to work with you also, because seeing you reminds him of the terrible mistake he made and makes him sick, however, we are dealing with it. If you cannot handle working with XXXX then I suggest you change your schedule. Both of us are mystified as to why you would request someone else change their life because you have put yourself into a position you cannot handle. Contrary to what you might think, XXXX does not owe you anything. <P>If you decide to stay (which is absolutely your choice), then do not give him notes or try to contact him in any other way. We were not happy that you gave him a note on August 5th (after our phone call) but felt maybe it would be closure for you...he is very angry about getting yet another note because he doesn't want contact with you/doesn't think you have the right to make demands of him. I think he made it very clear to you that he was no longer available to you on the phone on August 5th. Please have enough respect for us to leave us alone.<P>I've been exposed to your husband's behavior three times. This, combined with XXXX's rather negative account of your marriage, and the fact that you are obviously having a tremendously difficult time getting over your feelings for XXXXX, lead me to believe that you are at a very rough spot right now. I have sympathy for your position, and would not wish this on anyone. I don't hate you, I don't hold you accountable for XXXX's behavior either, and I wish you the best in getting your life back on track, both for your sake and your children's sakes'.<P>That said, I will tell you it would be foolish to harbour any false hope that you might eventually be able to have XXXX. I am (and have always been) very much in love with my husband and would fight to keep him as long as I know he loves me. And there is the simple truth. XXXXX loves me and not you. If this weren't so, he'd already be gone, and it would have little to do with you or anyone else. XXXX has insisted over and over that he was not in love with you but with the idea of being in love/the newness of the relationship. He realized after his meeting with you at RDV that you were not worth his loosing me...and we haven't looked back since. Now that we are spending time together/rediscovering one another he is free to fall in love - for real....and that's what we are both doing. <P>I wish you happiness...away from us, <BR>LLL<P>and here is her response to me:<P>LLL, <P>Gosh where to begin.....first, I guess, your point was well taken and very much deserved. I know now that it was wrong of me to have made that request of XXXX to change his schedule; my reasons for doing so do not matter but I do appreciate you being so frank with me. For some reason that I can’t understand actually, I feel relieved and actually happy for you and XXXX, I guess your letter has finally made it clear to me that Terry does not want me. I sincerely hope that you two are able to build a bigger and better relationship than you ever had before. The last two months have been very difficult for me…because I couldn’t let go of the idea that XXXX would contact me, be with me.<BR>I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever I thought XXXX had with me, he really wanted a better relationship with you all along. I realize that although I still love him and may always love him, he doesn’t love me in return. That it was so easy for him to turn his back on me stuns me. It’s what is finally making me realize that my thoughts on what we had were different from his. I realize now that, unlike me, he really does have someone wonderful at home. Now, he has what he wanted all along.. I definitely never intended to hurt him, I want him to be happy. I quite simply could not get beyond my own selfishness. For that, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I also apologize to you (for what it's worth) for ever allowing myself to cross a line that should have never been crossed. You and "her husband" (despite what you think of him) never ever deserved that. I am not a bad person and I know XXXX is not a bad person; we just made a huge mistake that hurt a lot of people. I think his commitment to you is obvious, I am trying to accept that I will never have him, that my life can never be as I want it to be, and as much as it hurts me, I truly do wish you all the best. I think you are so lucky to have him, and now when I read your letter I realize that he’s very lucky to have you. You have my word, on the lives of my children, that I will NEVER interfere again. Thank you again for the courage you have shown in " putting me in my place” and the manner in which you did it. I definitely deserved it. Sincerely, OP<P>This email from her, while it is very heavy on her feelings for my H (which just makes me sick to my stomach all over again), made me very happy for a number of reasons:<BR>1. She's been sending me anonymous emails at work which were very disturbing and I thought maybe my H had been doubly stupid for hooking up with a "fatal attraction" psycho. This letter seems to be from a relatively normal person....which actually makes me feel better.<BR>2. She's been "waiting for him to contact her for two months" and "stunned" by his blow off of her....which means my husband is telling me the truth!!! (which I already know but boy does it sound good coming from the "horse's mouth."<BR>3. Her letter actually made me feel sorry for her. My best friend (H's sister) thinks I'm psycho to feel this way but I actually see this as ME HEALING...I'm actually a little surprised I feel this way too...but it's there. <P>I think the last two months have been devastating for her. When my H decides he's going to ignore you, you essentially don't exist. The last time she saw him was July 31st. On August 5th she gets a phone call from US saying "it's over, leave me/us alone" and gets the brush off from my H at work. I think the reason I was getting emails/she freaked and left work/gave him a note was that she was desperate - this was the final try....I hope she really does understand that IT'S OVER and can move on....<BR>I know this is bizarre but there's a part of me that wonders: how could my H do this to her - he says he KNEW she felt like this/that she'd told him she'd be willing to give up her family to be with him, that she constantly told him she was in love with him? crazy..huh? but if he could do this to her, and he could hurt me sooo badly....is he a good person? Stay tuned folks......<P>LLL<P>

hbh,<BR> <BR>I think that it is a good idea to write the letter to OW. It would be a good outlet I think. Putting you thoughts down on paper and al. On mailing it to the OW: I wouldn't do it myself. But, that is just my 2 cents. OW might get satisfaction in knowing how it effects you.

Wow, thank you all so much, that was some pretty quick responses.<P>Not sure what I will do yet. Just know that I will write the letter and post it hear for now.<P>LLL, I honestly think that my H's OW would be more like yours. I spoke to her in the beginning of the relationship and she was a very sensible person who was just making a huge mistake. She realized it, but "couldn't help herself". Bullsh*t. She has never been married and treated the situation like this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. No clue...<P>I guess I am so angry at her because she did understand what I was saying, she agreed, but just did it anyway, even though she knew it was wrong... She knew my H was suffering from severe depression, she knew he needed counseling and to be by himself for a while, she knew he was only with her to run away from his problems, but instead she pursued him anyway. Makes me sick. I know if she did not do this that my H would have done the same things he is doing now, just w/o her in the picture and it would be alot easier for us to recover...<P>Oh, he was wrong as well, he was not justified at all, regardless of how he felt inside or what he was going through. He should have said no and pushed her away.<P>I guess a part of me wishes she would repent, to hear her say how sorry she is, that she will never ruin another family for her own selfish pleasure. But, of course, I don't want her to contact me after I write the letter, so I guess I just have to accept I will never get that satisfaction... <P>I will sit on it for a while... Not sure if my H is up to reading it, or if I would want him too...<P>I suppose the only real answer is to talk to my H about it and see how he feels about it. If he doesn't care, then maybe I will send it. BTW: The reason I think my H would not want me to send it is because he sees OW as someone who really loved him, and he blew her off to be with me once he realized his mistake and that he didn't love her. He really hurt her and it bothers him that he could do that to two people who loved him so much and he doesn't want to cause either of us any more pain.<P>I say "to hell with the bit*h, she deserves to be hurt after everything she put us through. She knew what she was getting into". But that is just because it is me. <P>HbH

<BR><<<LLL, I honestly think that my H's OW would be more like yours. I spoke to her in the beginning of the relationship and she was a very sensible person who was just making a huge mistake. She realized it, but "couldn't help herself". Bullsh*t. She has never been married and treated the situation like this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. No clue...>>>><P>Be careful making those assumptions. False apologies and expressions of remorse are common when an OP is confronted. ExOW at first seemed quite rational when she called me. She was all teary but "sooo sorry for what I did" "I knew I was making a mistake, I was so stupid" "I know how much this must have hurt you." I actually started feeling sorry for her and I told her I was sorry she was hurting so much! Then she said "You don't deserve this. If I were you I would take all his money and divorce him. Do you love him?" I said "Yes I do love him, always have. We are going to work this out." Suddenly she wasn't so nice anymore, nor was she sorry. The remorse thing was all a ploy to encourage me to dump him. She wasn't so good at concealing her true colors, but some of them are. I knew one OW who wrote the W a heartfelt letter, full of deep apologies, promising to stay out of their lives forever, she had no right, yadda yadda. The W was very moved. The very next day that OW rented a hotel room and begged the MM to come and meet her. She was ready to start right back up again. Many women would sell their own Grandma to get the man they want.

Wow, LLL, thanks for that. I am a bit naive when it comes to this department, so I'll keep it in the back of my mind...<P>Well, I talked to H about it last night, and his response utterly amazed me. I told him about the counseling session and how I had homework to do, told him what it was and that I didn't know if I was going to mail it, rip it up, or ask him to read it, for now I just had to write it.<P>H said he understood, but he didn't think sending it was a good idea, it would just "add insult to injury" he said.<P>I told him that the decision to send it was mine to make, it was between me and her, and I am not sure at this point if it is something I need to heal or not. I said if he was interested in knowing my decision or reading it, then, I would be okay sharing that with him. He just nodded his head and said he understood!!!<P>I didn't realize it before, but it felt SO good for him not to defend her for once and care more about her feelings than mine.<P>I don't know what I'll do with the letter. Just keep it stashed away for now. If I decide to send it, then I will, if not (more than likely), I'll just rip it up...<P>I was just amazed that the conversation went the way it did. Guess I was worried for nothing.<P>ALSO, off topic, my H and I talked alot about stuff I've been talking about in counseling. He seemed to really understand what I was saying (I phrased it the way my counselor suggested to get the most impact - it worked!). <P>H is moving home in a couple of weeks, we have to clean up the spare room first so he can have someplace to sleep/work while the kids are up and about due to his schedule. <P>HbH

Fairy Dust wrote:<BR>"Be careful making those assumptions. False apologies and expressions of remorse are common when an OP is confronted. ExOW at first seemed quite rational when she called me. She was all teary but "sooo sorry for what I did" "I knew I was making a mistake, I was so stupid" "I know how much this must have hurt you." I actually started feeling sorry for her and I told her I was sorry she was hurting so much! Then she said "You don't deserve this. If I were you I would take all his money and divorce him. Do you love him?" I said "Yes I do love him, always have. We are going to work this out." Suddenly she wasn't so nice anymore, nor was she sorry. The remorse thing was all a ploy to encourage me to dump him. She wasn't so good at concealing her true colors, but some of them are. I knew one OW who wrote the W a heartfelt letter, full of deep apologies, promising to stay out of their lives forever, she had no right, yadda yadda. The W was very moved. The very next day that OW rented a hotel room and begged the MM to come and meet her. She was ready to start right back up again. Many women would sell their own Grandma to get the man they want."<P>To be honest I don't trust her any farther than I could throw her (not far, hehe) and quite honestly don't trust H either so...while the exchange was good for me...especially to show her that I know things she probably didn't realize I knew....none of my guards are down...nor will they be for a loonnnggg time. Still have my detective in pocket, and, oh yes, will use him again (at least) twice in October.<P><BR>to hurt by hubby - <BR>I'm so glad your H is NOT defending the OP. This was huge for me....when my H read what I wrote to her, he said if it was him he could never of been that nice to her...and I asked him "do you mean if our roles were reversed?" and his reply was no, he means if he had sent HER (the person he was "so in love with" less than 2 months ago) a letter about no contact....whoopee, I think? Love to hate in less than 2 months? I don't get it?<BR>LLL

<BR><<<<To be honest I don't trust her any farther than I could throw her (not far, hehe) and quite honestly don't trust H either so...while the exchange was good for me...especially to show her that I know things she probably didn't realize I knew....none of my guards are down...nor will they be for a loonnnggg time. Still have my detective in pocket, and, oh yes, will use him again (at least) twice in October.>>>><P>Good for you! I just always get nervous if it seems like anyone is taking an OW's remorse as genuine and possibly letting their guard down. Glad to see that isn't the case!I think that talking to the OW was good for me to show her that I wasn't totally shocked to find out that there had actually been an affair (she seemed disappointed). Plus I got to tell her what had actually been going on between my H and I during our separation. I think she expected to call and she would be the only one with shocking revelations to hurt me with. <P><BR>to hurt by hubby - <BR>I'm so glad your H is NOT defending the OP. This was huge for me....when my H read what I wrote to her, he said if it was him he could never of been that nice to her...and I asked him "do you mean if our roles were reversed?" and his reply was no, he means if he had sent HER (the person he was "so in love with" less than 2 months ago) a letter about no contact....whoopee, I think? Love to hate in less than 2 months? I don't get it?<BR>LLL[/B][/QUOTE]<P>

duly noted. Thanks all. I will not let my guard down. OP is pure evil.<P>BTW, I finished my letter. It was pretty bad. So much anger, it's entire purpose was to make OW feel bad. I did not use many I statements like I was supposed to... <P>But, nonetheless, it felt good to write it and get it out. Oh, I want to send it SO bad today. But, I will not, I will simply hold onto it for a week or two, until I am able to let go, and then burn it.<P>Thanks all for the advice. It helped alot.<BR>HbH