I'm curious. Does experience show that since we have been betrayed, and thus the need for respect and trust and love can't be met by our unfaithful spouses, are we more susceptable or less susceptable to the temptation or emotional trap of an affair ourselves.<P>My H says that now he fears that I will be unfaithful. He doesn't think I will do it out of revenge, but because I am emotionally vulnerable right now.<P>I of course deny this totally and honestly don't feel I will do this. Am I being naive and should I be on guard right now?

I can only speak from experience. I NEVER even thought about having an affair. I don't think that I would ever want to cause my H to feel that gut-wretching, get me out of this nightmare--- feeling! It is strange but the thought of me having an affair actually repulses me.<P>I guess it depends how bitter you are. I know when my H confessed his affair to me, I hurt for him, because I could see the pain in his eyes, while he was telling me the devastating news. I never, would want to hurt someone that bad!<p>[This message has been edited by Destroyed (edited November 10, 1999).]

I not concerned about doing it out of bitterness or in anyway doing it to hurt him. What about the void we have in our hearts right now? What about the theory that affairs start because of some missing aspect in a relationship.<P>I told him that my biggest void is caused from the disallusionment and loss of respect I feel for him for being so weak. How could a man that would start a relationship with another man's wife possibly fill that void. If it could then I wouldn't have to look any further than home.<P>I'm just curious if the betrayed spouses finding themselves in an affair of their own is something that is seen very often on this forum or in the "terrible world of marriages wrecked by infidelity"

To be honest with you, I have not seen too many affairs starting because of a void. I have seen people post about "REVENGE" affairs. In my case, I do not have a void. We have worked so hard to fulfill each other in every way, that we actually have a better marriage than before the affair. I think that if you are both striving for the same goal.... (saving, restoring and adding to your marriage) you won't feel a void in the relationship... which would normally leave you vulnerable enough to have an affair. Make sense?

EB,<P>I was the betrayer in my first marriage. The betrayed in the present one. Both sides are terrible to experience. The betrayed get to experience immediate depression, anger and guilt. The betrayer wakes up much later on when it finally sinks in what you accually did to the one you claimed to love.<P>Don't know if your'e following my story but I am currently seeing a "friend" because I really needed some female companionship. We agreed from the start that NOTHING physical or emotional will happen. It's really cool. I don't expect anything from her and she not from me. I am still very much in love with the W. Had a few days where resentment was sneaking in the door.<P>I messed up really bad in my first marriage and wound NEVER EVER do that again even if my life depended on it. If Heather Locklear was naked standing in front of me, I might give her a look or two, but, I will never cheat! Quick fact. I did meet HL at a car show about 23 years ago. That was before she was famous. Wonder if she still remembers me? What do you think? <P>I had more than opportunity the last few years and could have cheated on Val. I just can not and will not let myself down again.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Something I do feel cheated about (additionally speaking) is the passion that he confessed was in their relationship. I have read about it a lot on the forum also. <P>I have never felt that passion and that level of excitement, now my H has (we married young and were high school sweethearts) and it was with someone besides me.<P>It is so very hard to have that amount of passion with someone who you have been with for 15 years. The excitement of it being new is gone forever. When it was new we were clueless kids. There wasn't even that kind of passion when we were newlyweds, I was not responsive and my H new it, there was confusion, hesitance, ignorance, insecurity, embarrassment. And then we had to jump headfirst into life with each other. It became a real good/bad relationship immediately, not the fake only good relationship of an affair.<P>He has experienced with another woman something I cannot recreate for him or myself.<P>I told him I am tempted to leave him to start a new relationship, but I will divorce him not have an affair (this was in the past during our more trialing times).<P><p>[This message has been edited by Essyboo (edited November 10, 1999).]

I wondered the same thing as I was reading "His Needs, Her Needs". But I would have had an affair a long time ago if it was in me to do that. I have been missing my important needs for years. I really do wonder though what makes some people stronger in resisting an affair? Like I said I have been missing my most important needs for years and anytime I was getting to close to a male friend I would stop talking to them because I felt it could come between H and I. But he went to another woman. I am rambling here so I will just leave it there.<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>and if I shed a tear I won't cage it<BR>I won't fear love<BR>and if I feel a rage I won't deny it<BR>I won't fear love<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>"Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"<BR>Sarah Mclachlan<P>

Here is my opinion:<P>ANYONE can have an affair! EVERYONE can be vulnerable to having an affair.<P>Did I ever think I would be unfaithful???? NO! And, I can only speak from my experience - I don't think people look to get into an affair - nat least most people. I think most people just kinda go along with events that they know are dangerous, but go along anyway without thinking it through to the pain and destruction outcome. At least that is what happened to me. I heard the warning bells and just IGNORED them. I guess I thought this would never happen to me. Well, it DID.<P>From my wn experience, I will tell you that I still do NOT think it impossible that I could have another affair. I think it is more IMPROBABLE that I would. Because, I know what destruction can be caused and I also know and recognize the warning signs and the vulnerability in myself. I sure want to think I have learned something form all this. Also, now being the betrayed, Isure would never want another woman to feel this pain by my actions.<P>I know that I am emotional vulnerable right now. It wouldn't take much for some guy to come and chat me up and turn my head. So, I've taken alot of precautions to protect myslef, because I still want my marriage to work. <P>Roll Me Away

I agree with you that anybody is capable. I do not feel that I was stronger than H during the time that his affair happened, I just feel my attentions were elsewhere and there wasn't anybody in the picture giving me the needs I was missing from my H.<P>

I felt a physical attraction to only two other men besides my husband in the past 20 years of marriage....I immediately "killed" and "suffocated" this attraction because I knew, deep down in my heart, that I could never hurt my husband that way, that I could never embarass my husband that way, but most of all, I could not hide from my conscience....I am an honest person and I could not ever lie to my husband......I would say that my conscience has stopped me from making such a big mistake....the problem for me is that I cannot be dishonest to myself.<BR>I never gave these relationships a chance....<P>WHERE THE HEART IS WILLING, IT WILL FIND A THOUDAND WAYS; BUT WHERE IT IS UNWILLING, IT WILL FIND A THOUSAND EXCUSES<P>this little paragraph tells it all<P>

Easy - To answer your question in one simple word, yes. My W's affair has so destroyed my trust in our relationship and taken everything that I valued most away from it. In light of this, I hate to say (but have to) that if the right woman came along, I would probably go for her. I emphasize that I'm not actively looking, as I'm highly leery of relationships now. But I think if someone courted ME for a change and really seemed to have a thing for me and me for her, then I would go for it, yes. Don't think it'll happen. But you know, if it did, I wouldn't sneak around and lie about it like my W. I'd just tell her in plain terms how I felt and ask her what she wanted to do about it. This is how I feel now, after the emotional hell she's put me through. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex