My H. wrote those two emails this morning telling me about his dad and the finances.<p>I wrote him back. I talked about families and how important they are. I told him it was great he was able to be there for him mom and dad.<p>I then told him we also needed him to be a part of this family. I told him that we created this family with our commitment to each other when we took our marriage vows. I mentioned a number of the things he had missed this year with the kids. I told him we missed him.<p>His reply was "That may be true, but it is over P and we have to move on for the family." The kids are what is important now. (As if they ever were before to him). He asked if I had read the Ann Landers article about kids and divorce a few days ago. <p>I disagree with that article 100%. The stepmother wrote to complain that the custodial mother was making life difficult for the father and stepmother to participate in the children's lives.<p>I knew he would bring that article up. That article upset me so much that I wrote this reply to send to Ann Landers at about 4 this morning.<p>Dear Ann Landers:<p>You recently printed a letter from a stepmother that I have to respond to:<p>When your husband of 21 years decides to divorce you and run off with a 28 year old, he has the responsibility to keep involved with his children's lives. It is no longer the wife's responsibility to keep him informed of schedules. The damage to the children has already been done.<p>The father can take the initiative to call the schools and get on their mailing lists. He can call the kids and get their schedules if they want him to participate. The father can contact the teachers to find out schedules and class activities. Soccer coaches and schedules haven't changed for years--call the coach and get the information. <p>No longer expect the custodial parent to be the husband's secretary when it concerns the children. He chose to abandon us. He chose to move on with his life. If they aren't available when he calls, that is his problem. The kids have always been able to call him. They have his cell phone number and his apt #--oops girlfriend's number.
If the custodial parent chooses to move with the children to establish a better life for them, then he will have to accommodate that decision, especially if his career allows him to do so.<p>Face the fact gentlemen, if you leave your families and want to be a part of your children's lives, you will have to take some initiative yourself. Don't blame it on the mother who has custody for not being able to participate.<p>If the mother can't stand to be in the same room as the stepmother, there must be a reason. Could it be that this person helped cause a family to disintegrate? Life is full of choices. Unfortunately, there are consequences to those choices. If the husband wants to be involved, he will have to become involved. Take the initiative, call the cub scout leader, call the schools, call the coaches...get involved...that is what the custodial mother has to do. <p>I want so badly to send this to him. He whined to his lawyer all fall that he didn't know the kid's schedules because I hadn't supplied him with them. One time he had been here for 2 weeks with the bimbo on base, he visited my son in school that week 4 times and yet he failed to find out when open house was. He visited him at school the day of open house-but said he didn't hear about it. That night he found out I was going to open house and he complained to his lawyer that I hadn't told him. I am so sick of this man!!! <p>Oh well, he has definitely made his mind up. I am afraid I won't be a gracious, loving ex-wife. I know I won't be able to be around her. And right now...i don't know how I will react with him. He wants to be my "friend"...who needs a friend like that. <p>I have always been there for my kids....has he?? Now, I get this sactomonious preaching on how we have to move on for the kids and the kids are the most important thing to consider. He makes me sick.

Dearest Misory, Way to go, I agree all the way. He has to have some responsibility here as well. I have followed your story, and I think your caring and concern for your children has been incredible. But, please try to remember your own needs, emotional and otherwise also. My best friend gave me this coffee cup that says (Don't let the b#####d's get you down). When I get depressed I laugh at that.

Cherise,<p>Thanks,
I was and am so angry and hurt...but the cup gave me a good laugh. Where do you find those?<p>Hallmark had a thing--looked like a--what do you call it...burial jug thing...lost the word [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] It said something like "ashes of ex-husband." May go buy it and exorcise this man from my life. Where could I spread the ashes...Hmmm......

Wanted to buy a bumper sticker that said 'I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better' But didn't think it was in quite good taste. Whatcha think? Hugs and more hugs, TOO YOU11111111111111 [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

FLUSH THEM! Sorry, seemed appropriate at the moment!
How can you teach by the way! My own four drive me nuts... all my repect goes to you. To take on that career, and still have any sanity left! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

bump/

MnM,<p>{{{Hugs}}} What a loser he is, literally. What he thinks he's won will never match the things he's lost.<p>______________________________
"...we have to move on for the family." <p>He wants to be my "friend"...<p>sactomonious preaching on how we have to move on for the kids and the kids are the most important thing to consider.
______________________________<p>More garbage that he has to say to live with himself and hide from the truth. Just look him straight in the eyes and snicker when he says things like that. Is it any consolation that he makes me sick, too.<p>You will be OK, MnM. You have to live with yourself, and he has to live with himself. Who would you rather be?<p>I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
Estes<p>I'll be looking for your letter to Ann Landers.<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

miserynmissouri,<p>This started out as a reply to your post and ended up being a rant about my step kids’ mother… I’m going to post it but don’t really expect anyone to read or respond to it. Just felt good blowing off some steam.<p>I've seen this so many times. It seems that the 'leaving spouse' (LS), after leaving the marriage and the children, expects everyone to prove to them constantly that they are important and loved. They want the ex-spouse to continue to function as a spouse and parent in exactly the same manner they did before... sharing schedules and information, etc etc. The thing that I have noticed is that it does not matter why the spouse left their family.. for an affair or to 'find themselves' or for any other reason. It does not matter if the LS is the wife or the husband. <p>I have several friends and family members who have gone through the same types of things with LS’s.<p>One game that gets played out in our house all the time is that the STL's kids have to call their mother (LS) and/or email her. As she puts it... SHE IS THE MOTHER. So they have to pay homage to her by always initiating the contact. If they don’t do this, then it is proof that they don’t love her. Of course it never dawns on her that maybe the kids need some proof that mom loves them after she ran off with Mr. Redneck. She asks STL and I for the kids schedules, grades, etc etc when all she has to do is to pick up the phone or better yet, write the school and ask that they automatically mail her the info. Much of the schedule stuff in on the internet anyway. She has no contact with the school, her son’s hospital or her daughter’s counselor. But she gets mad at ME because I’m the evil step-mother who makes sure her kids get the things they need. When STL and I signed the financial responsibility papers for their son’s residential treatment program, she got furious with me. It was the only time in the last 2 years that she has been around at a time of need for the kids. So I offered to let her sign the papers and take financial responsibility. She got even more angry at me. Go figure I cannot win for anything. She is also mad at me because even though she still lives with Mr. Redneck, I married her ex-husband. She wants to be able to cry on his strong shoulders and I won’t let it happen (bad bad me). Yes she actually said that….. I need your shoulder as I have no one to support me, no one’s shoulder to cry on. What happened to Mr. Redneck? Does he not have shoulders?<p>This year we did not want STL’s 12 year old daughter flying by herself to Baltimore with all of the terrorist threats and flight problems. So we paid for airline tickets, hotel and auto rental for their mom to fly here to NM. That way she could also visit her son in the residential treatment center. It cost us a pretty penny. Well, their mom had a nervous break down two days before she was supposed to get on the plain. She was found in a fetal position and non responsive by Mr. Redneck when he got home from work on xmas eve. She miraculously snapped out of it a couple of hours after her plane left with out her on Dec 27. I get the distinct impression that she did not want to come face her kids. We were able to cancel the hotel and auto rental but may be out several hundred on the plane ticket. And do you know that we are the bad guys for this? Yep…. And we’d better get our acts together and make plans and pay for her to make another attempt at getting out here later in the month.<p>Like you, I am so tired of the custodial parent being painted as an evil person trying to keep the children away from the non-custodial parent. I know that STL and I would love for a break from the kids. But now we will not even get that. We had almost the entire month of June to ourselves this year and it was heaven. Do they really think that we would not like to have some help? Why would anyone buy the whining story?

MnM,<p>I really feel for you. Your WH treats you so very bad. I agree with you on the Ann Landers article. I am lucky my STBX is very involved with our sons. He all ways has been when he was in the country, now that he quit his job & starting his own company he is not traveling as much.<p>I share all schedules with my STBX. I send him the links on the internet, I make copies of sport team schedules practices, etc, tell him about Open houses, programs, everything, he may not make them all (he lives 1 1/2 hr away from us) but he is here 3 times a week, he does all the driving. <p>Except for once he has kept the OW (who he lives with & my children have meet, I hate it) away from the boys stuff. She came to 1st ftball game of the season, STBX knew I was very mad, & she never came back, & I know it caused problems (not that I care) for him.<p>My long belabored point does it really hurt to share the information, if you personally don't want to give it to him, put him on the mailing list for the schools (I'm doing this so it is not like I am not tattling on OS grades), make copies of the sport stuff either have the kids give it to him or email or snail mail to him. <p>Does it really hurt you or are you just trying to hurt him? Yes, I know he left you, I know the feeling very well. It is not a great feeling, he left the kids, and they know this. But from what you write your WH is trying to make an issue of this, don't let him. Throw the ball back in his court, give the school his address, make the copies of the outside stuff & make sure he gets it even if takes certified mail, this way he can't say he wasn't informed. This will make one less issue for him to hassle you about, could make your life easier & his harder, the kids will know dad has their schedules, & either doesn&#8217;t care or his stuff is more important. Make him the bad guy, where he can&#8217;t cry your mom didn&#8217;t tell, or the kids by saying ya&#8217;ll didn&#8217;t let me know. Make him responsible even if you have to provide the information.<p>Maybe this is easier for me, as I don't want my STBX to come home. Now I don't want him happy with OW either and I try to throw wrenches in their life every chance I get, mainly by all the stuff the boys are doing, that dad really needs to be here for. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] : there is method in my madness.<p>I wish for you peace.

Hi MNM,<p>I agree with you why should you go out of your way to accomodate him with the kids activities and school schedules he wants to be involved then le him start taking on that responsibilty for himself. Sounds as though he wants to act like father of the year. What a joke. <p>
What makes him think that it is your duty as the custodial parent to keep him updated on the children. It's not your responsaibility any more.
If he wants to be involved in their lives now it's up to him to step up to the plate and be a real father. <p>In M one of the spouses usually assumes more of the responsibility with the kids due to the other spouses career, schedule, etc. when you become a single parent you are no longer obligated to the spouse to make things less hectic for them concerning the children. Just my opinion.
Take care. Please keep us posted.<p>Love and prayers,
C

RE: I agree with you why should you go out of your way to accomodate him with the kids activities and school schedules he wants to be involved then le him start taking on that responsibilty for himself. Sounds as though he wants to act like father of the year. What a joke. <p>The only viable reason for keeping the other spouse privy of the children's schedules, etc is for the benefit of the children. Otherwise, it's all up to him to be a father.<p>By the way MM, I think you should send him your letter (or a modified version of it) or tell him what you wrote. I wrote and told my ex essentially that time after time until it sunk in. Today he takes care of his part of parenting without bugging me.<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Wow,<p>Thanks everyone for your responses!! I couldn't sleep last night...so just got up this morning.<p>I am going to have to really think about this situation. I will send the letter to Ann Landers though. Does anyone know the address? They don't have it in our paper. I will fix a few things in the article--but I am going to send it.
I don't know if I dare send it to him at this point--he has been twisting everything around to give to the lawyers. I have told him before though, that I was no longer his secretary. If he wants schedules, call the schools, if he needs the kids soccer schedules--he can call the girls themselves, and for the younger kids, they have had the same coaches--call them for the schedules. He never did it tho--and continuously told everyone that he couldn't attend the kids activities because P hadn't given him the schedules. What a crock. <p>I think this will be a continuing issue in our divorce. My H is like that. He always has to blame someone for his failings....now I will be the scapegoat.<p>Sing, you are probably right...if I supply him with the schedules..he can't use that against me anymore. It just makes me so mad. I always had to arrange the kids schedules and inform him of activities. He NEVER made an attempt to do that. This past summer when I was in Europe, the day before I left, I found out about a summer camp for cub scouts. I had seen something about it earlier, but knew I would be out of the country so I hadn't signed him up. Well, the day before I left, a neighbor called and said she was signing her son up and would be willing to drive him home everyday for that week. After I left, my mother got a call from another neighbor who had just moved in and her son was going too-so she offered to take him in the morning to catch the bus that took them everyday. I hadn't even met this women yet. That was the week my H barged into the house and told my mom that he still paid for the house and he was going to stay here--even tho I had asked him not to put my elderly mom in the middle of this emotional mess. Anyway, the morning schedule got messed up one morning, and my H called the new neighbor and said "P screwed up again...she always gets things messed up." My mom said she was livid when he said that--that I hadn't even known about those arrangements. On the last day of the camp, my other friend that had been driving them home everyday decided not to take her autistic child that day--a week had been too long. So my H instead of driving K himself, told K that well, "mom messed up the schedule again...so we are not going to go today." K still talks about missing that last day of camp....he missed all the awards and fun last day activities.<p>I don't think this is going to be fun. I think I will be in hell until my son goes to college in 11 years. What a great future to look forward to.<p>Cherise: I love the bumper sticker...it might not be in good taste, but...so what! It fits
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Zorweb: I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with Hubby's ex. I am really not looking forward to this. It is hard enough having to put up with all the lies and deceit, but to have to keep dealing with it is really dismal. <p>I am envisioning Meg's graduation in the spring. I know my H will bring his mistress and his parents have already said they are coming. I guess we will be just one big happy family...NOT!!Last time they were all here for his retirement ceremony. Oh yuck...this will never end. <p>Estes: Thanks for your support. He is losing a lot. Evidently, he doesn't care. What a self-centered man. I hope things work out for your son. I see several similarities between him and my own situation. I have given my H chance after chance to change our situation. I guess it is really time to cut our loses and move on. I don't have any reason to feel bad. I worked hard on our marriage--loving and supporting(not always agreeing with his behavior tho) him through thick and thin.<p>Gosh, this is hard.<p>Cybil: You are right!! He is definitely trying to look like father of the year. Amazing since he hasn't been here all year. He is home in KC this weekend--he hasn't called the kids. He won't either. He is portraying his actions as being done for the good of the kids. He told the court and his lawyer that. They seem to believe him. He is a handsome, good looking man---people tend to believe him when he talks. They have never seen the monster he becomes when he is drunk, or he has road rage, or he has his temper tantrums. The kids and his family know, and my family knows. The people he worked with know he has a foul mouth---they joked about it all through his retirement ceremony. <p>Oh well, now I guess I will focus on me and the kids. I don't know why I try to hope for better from him...this has gotten me out of that emotional valley I have been in the last few days. This marriage is definitely over.

MnM,<p>I just got this morning I am so sorry! Your husband is such an [censored]!!!<p>With that being said, Do what you want as far as schedules, tell him don't tell him. He doesn't need an engraved invitation to be there for his kids!! Do the kids want him to be there for their events? With or without the bimbo? Perhaps they can tell dad aabout the ones they want him there for.<p>I love the letter to Ann, go look on line or call the KC Star, they would have it!!! I would send a copy to my lawyer though, just for safe keeping and to have it part of my file, am not sure why though.<p>
Life just really bites sometimes and I am sorry for that, you sound like a person that does not deserve this, there are some that probably do, I know, but not you, you have done so much good for so many!!!<p>How was the skating?<p>Dawn

Thanks daybreak,<p>My kids would prefer he not attend their events...that may change this year. But last year was just embarassing for them--especially the older kids.<p>My two younger kids are more accepting of him. My ten year old has told him how she feels about the OW though. Fell on deaf ears. My son just misses his dad.<p>Last time H picked up the kids, he was supposed to take son to Cub Scouts...had him all ready to go--H decided not to go tho. I don't think many of the people in his den are comfortable with what he has done. Who knows...he has always done whatever he feels like doing.<p>I will look in the KC Star for the address. Wasn't in our local paper.<p>We tried skating yesterday--the ice still made me a little nervous. We are going to try again today. Happy New Year!!!! Pat

MnM,<p>Giving him the kids scheulds, don't look at it as helping him be a better father (doesn't sound like anything would, [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] but think of it as getting him more out of your life (he won't be blaming you or the kids that he doesn't know) and him making him look like the [censored] he really is.<p>glad it sounds like you are feeling better today.

Happy New Year Sing,<p>I think that is a good idea about the schedules...it just makes me mad. He wants me to continue doing what I have done for 20 years for him....Yuck!!!<p>I think I am doing better today...altho I still find myself reading everyone's posts to try and find some answers.<p>It will be interesting to see what happens when he is furloughed next month. Wonder if he will have a change of attitude then? Probably not.<p>The reality of this whole mess is that he wanted out of this relationship for awhile--or at least he felt like he could find happiness with someone else outside of our marriage. The fact that he did it again, knowing what kind of pain he puts us all through--well, that pretty much tells me what he thinks of me. I never should have believed in him. <p>I should have seen this coming. The hard part was we were getting along, planning for our future and our homes. But he had done this before and I should have known he would do it again. Sad, isn't it.

What do you mean he will be furloughed next month? Haven't heard that term except with Navy people.<p>Dawn

Happy New Year!!<p>Hi Daybreak,<p>He is going to be layed off by Northwest by the end of next month or in Feb. What fun.<p>That will be great with the divorce case coming up...Nothing seems to be going right.<p>We went skating today. The ice was great. It was so smooth. A man and his son came down and we were skating. I hadn't met him before. He said, "Your're Col. W 's wife aren't you." I said yes. He said "Didn't he just retire? I said yep. He said "Well, you must be enjoying that...is he still flying." I said yes, he is flying but he doesn't live here anymore. " He said, "Oh, are you moving." I said no that we had almost made it off probation when he decided to find passion with a 28 year old flight attendant. He said "oh, I am so sorry...he left you and the kids?" I said yes. He said "I can't believe he did that. After everything you have done? I could never do that to my wife...after all the moving and starting over she's done...I am the lucky one...hopefully, she won't ever leave me." Wow, what a lucky lady. That is what my H should have been saying about me....now I am totally sad again. Oh Gosh. This is so hard.

MNM,<p>Just read through your thread again. I'm glad that you are feeling better today. About the conversation you had today with the gentleman when you were ice skating. I know it's hard but look at it this way people look at your H for the real A** that he has become. They look at you as a woman, wife, and mother who has done nothing to deserve this. You can still walk with your head held high as you know you have done nothing wrong in this situation other than be a loving and supportive wife and mother. <p>I hope you and your kids have a Happy New Year.
Cheers to you Pat!
Love and prayers,
C

Thanks Cybil,<p>You have a Happy New Year too. I have been invited over to some friends for New Years. One of my daughters is going out and the 16 year old is having friends over here.I am taking my two little ones with me. <p>I can hold my head high...because I did love and support him. I wish he was home.<p>Another neighbor came out to check the ice. She wanted to know if the divorce was finalized yet. I told her no. She thought it was taking a long time--which is fine with me. She looked at me and said "you would never take him back would you." That is a hard comment to espond to also. I know I love him...but he obviously doesn't love me...at least not in the right way. Would I take him back? Not unless he was willing to do some serious work this time. I don't think I will have to worry about it though. Looks like he has made his decision and is running with it. Wish my heart understood.