I don't mean to stir the pot too much, but is there any harm in calling her back?

-Luki

Luki, I was planning on waiting for a little while. She has not left any messages and all my attempts to date to reach out to her have gone nowhere. At this point, I don't want my M, I just want the Dv over.

Another excuse, I have been swamped with work and don't have time to deal with her right now. I can tell I am letting her go because normally I would have jumped to call her back regardless of a message.

BTW, she called 2 more times today, again no message.

STTSI

Hi STTSI,

Thought I would catch up on you.

Wow, I cannot believe some of what she wants. If she gets it, I want to know the name of her Lawyer. (Just kidding). I talked to a Lawyer once, we have been M 5 years, have 3 kids, and I was told if I was lucky I would get temp spousal maintenance.

Sue if she gets it I will be very unhappy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So far no other Dv update other than to say that she hasn't called today. Maybe I am being immature but I figure if she wants me she can leave a message and I will call her back. Thoughts on that?

Thanks for checking on my post, I remember you replied to my origional post here also. Thanks!

I would like to read your story but I am afraid of reading your 300+ post at JFO.

Looking forward to seeing everyone next week.!

STTSI

Hi sttsi. I'm really sorry things aren't working out better for you. The feeling of being able to let go that you are starting to experience will become more and more frequent as time goes by. It's sad but feels good in a way to doesn't it? Thanks for the help you've given me and your interest in my situation. Good Luck!

If you are interested I will update you next week. I can condense it. Most of it is same old vents, maybe with new scenarios added in for flavor

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At this point, I don't want my M, I just want the Dv over. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to play devils advocate here. Sorry. Are you sure that you want to rush down ther D path? I would return her calls IMVHO, but you the one at ground zero so you know best. Take care.

-Luki

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Luki:
<strong>[QUOTE] but you the one at ground zero so you know best. Take care.

-Luki</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think because I am at ground zero is why I feel I don't know what is best. My gut tells me to continue this path. My gut also told me she was having an A for two months before I found proof. I want to trust my gut but I don't know if that is right. I feel myself letting go of her and I don't know if I want to try to dredge up those feelings again or if I should just close that chapter and start a new one.

When I first came here almost everyone told me to move on. I didn't then, now I am and I am having second thoughts. I don't know if I can ever trust her again and I can't look at her parents the same ever again after what has happened.

She has quit calling for now.

Thankyou everyone for your input!
STTSI

OK the roller coaster is BACK!

My wife wants to reconcile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think that deep inside I still love her but I have started to move on and now I don't know what I want anymore.

Love to hear thoughts from everyone.

Her email said she is ready to talk about "us" but has made no mention of OM or the A. I told her origionally that she has to agree with NC and would have to get another job since OM is a co-worker. The email came from work so I know she is still there.

I will post more once I gather myself together.

Thanks!
STTSI

Hey sttsi. What exactly did your wife say? I know what you mean about not knowing what you want, I think we all go through that. When you get treated like this by someone and then they act like they're doing you a favor by even talking to you it's hard to take sometimes. You just have to decide if it's going to be worth the work or not. Let us know exactly what your wife is saying so we can offer better opinions.

starman thanks for getting back to me.

In a nutshell, that she has made mistakes and that I have too. That we have done things to hurt eachother. She is trying to forgive herself and wants to talk to me about US. She says she is ready to make the changes to make the M work.

She sounds like a born-again because she mentions God about a million times. I sent her some of my poems that I wrote and she wants to talk about them. I sent her a letter asking her to come get the stuff she still had at home and in that I included the poems.

She said she knows that it takes a lot of work in M and that she realizes it is not going to be a fantasy world. She says that with God's help we can make it work.

From her email: I want to do things on God’s time, and on His will. This is His will - WE (the three of us – Jesus, you and me) can make it work! We just have to try!

With everything I still have in my heart (I know you won’t believe me) I still love you - STTSI, my husband. I know that is hard to believe after all of this.

She wants to know if I still want to try.

It was suggested to me that she still wants a threesome only exchanging OM for Jesus and that if she does separate from God that there might be another A.

Too many emotions for me to think right now.

STTSI

Hi,

Boy, when you sort of resolve and accept the way things are, even when what you want presents itself, it is hard to embrace it because you have gotten yourself to a place that was not comfortable at first and has become comfortable.

Is she willing to do MC? Change jobs? IC, change cell phones, change home number?

I wonder what brought this about.

Take time to evaluate how you feel about this. Why or why not would you reconcile?

Stilltryingtosaveit,
First of all let me say i a'm sorry u are back on the roller coaster again just when u was starting to rebuild your life! U said that she talks about God alot in her e-mail to u, that is all well and good if she really means what she is saying to u. Words are very (cheep) i learned a long time ago to take the actions of a person before there words. I just feel like once trust is broken in a marrige it takes for ever to come back if then. U say u think u still love her, what u have to decide is this marrige worth it and what she has allready done to u. Cathy

I know what you mean Sue. As far as the NC stuff, I don't know. I told her origionally that and she said it was too much to ask for a M.

I see the ground rules as:
Marriage Counseling
AIDS/STD test
100% NC
100% Accountability

If she doesn't agree to this than there is no M to work on as I see it. I do not want to go down this road again.

Yes I agree talk is cheap! I want to make sure she means this. Last fall after I left she begged me to come back so I did and she still left for OM.

STTSI

Your wife probably got dumped by the OM and has become a born again "whatever". Personally, if I was in your shoes and had no children I would move on and make a new life with someone else. Your wife has shown her true colors beginning only one month after being married. The fact that her parents supported her affair by accepting her new bf even though she was married should be taken seriously by you as a sign of her dysfuntional upbringing. Even her demands to be given permanent alimony,and money to pay off her debts etc, even though she was married for a very short time should be viewed as another clue as to what kind of person she really is. Her sudden acceptance of religion should also be viewed with suspicion. It has been my experience that people who suddenly become holly rollers can just as suddenly become your worst sinner and blame it on the devil. Her actions show that she is one real messed up woman. The best thing that you can do for her is to point her to a good psychiatrist and get out of this marriage.

I agree with Tomaz. At your age, with no kids and not a lot of financial entanglements, I would go for a divorce.
Michael

STTS,
Here's my perspective:
You have dodged a bullet.
Her affair was a gift basket from heaven for you.

In the basket you have seen
her parents' lack of values and morals
her selfishness

If you had kids it would be different. Thank God you don't have kids yet. Imagine having to deal with those inlaws and your kids at Christmases, Thanksgivings, weekend visitations. (sister & brother-in-law excepted.)

Imagine having to see your ex w and the new stud at school events, plays, graduations. Imagine paying child support and picking up the kid/s for visits every other Wednesday, having to buy them decent clothes because the child support money has paid for the stud's new truck/sports car/health club membership.

That her mom is on marriage #3 is a bad sign. That both mom and step-dad supported her affair and took her side and had the stud to their home while she was still married to you tells you the level of their values.

Let's imagine you are being "fixed up" on a blind date. The fixer upper tells you
"You're going to love this girl. She's spoiled rotten by her folks, a real Princess! Her parents are so sweet! They never say anything to make her feel bad. They are extremely supportive of anything she wants to do. Totally nonjudgmental. Her Mom has been married 3 times, and her current husband is extremely open minded about extra marital affairs."

You hear all this without a photo to cloud your mind with her beauty. Would you take a chance on a date?

Sounds great. Just the kind of girl you'd want by your side when you have a work accident and need to go to the ER, on the night of one of her her big events - would she be there by your side?

You will decide, it's your life, but the others posting before me have been really astute.

STTSI: For me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. I knew I would need all the help I could get. So, I do not see Jesus as a new affair partner, either for me or my W. I do know people for whom this is the case, however, they realy use their relationship with God as an excuse for neglecting their spouse, so it's possible that is how it will turn out.

I can tell you that to me, it looks like Harley's concepts about marriage come right out of the Bible. As I read his stuff, I say things to myself like “Oh!… So THAT’S what I Peter 3:7 means”, and "Wow, what a radical expression of: "Love your neighbor as yourself."!". As I mentioned yesterday, I am working in a marriage ministry at our church using materials by Gary Smalley. Smalley starts off talking about the Biblical principal of "Honor. As I reflected on what Smalley said, I realized how much of Harley's recommendations are really ways of acting that show "Honor" to one another. As I look at marriage and the Biblical prescriptions for marriage from different angle, I keep bumping in to this same kind of thing.

Beyond that, my wife confessed to me because of a sermon she heard that made her feel like it was her last chance before God would give up on her, since she kept ignoring His previous efforts to get her to stop the affair. And frankly, I have no other explanation for why or how she ended the affair beyond "God finally got through to her", despite repeatedly probing this issue for details.

So, I think God's involvement in a marriage is a good thing.

Both my wife and I are "born again", but my wife got in the habit of pushing God away from any part of her life that was related to sex (a tendency contributed to by our pre-marital sexual activity), which was part of why she was able to even have an affair. If this is similar to your wife's situation, there will be some big changes as she comes to terms with this, including a point of view towards your shared past that you may not like or agree with, depending on your beliefs. That doesn't mean you can't have a good marriage. In fact, if my experience is any guide, it should result in a vastly impoved marriage, including a better sex life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong>I do know people for whom this is the case, however, they realy use their relationship with God as an excuse for neglecting their spouse, so it's possible that is how it will turn out.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I know which it is?

While I am unhappy about what has happened, I really hate divorce so I feel I must at least try. If she is willing to follow some boundaries and seek counseling I am willing to try. If she won't than the M is dead. That is how I see things.

STTSI

STTSI,

Tomaz and others, have some very good points. IMVHO, given that your WW allegedly wants to work on things, you have to resolve those issues(from Tomaz et al) before you can make a decision. I suppose that may mean MC/IC, and getting to the bottom of why the ILS supported the A and why she asked for so much in the D papers.

You have much to think about.

-Luki