Reading someone's thread about whether or not to continue contact with the OP, there have been different responses due to different circumstances.<P>To me, I see things in "black and white". I realize not everyone sees things as I do.<P>I maintain that NO CONTACT provides the best atmosphere and highest percentage of hope for restoration of the marriage after an affair.<P>What do you all think?<P>TNT

Honey, I soooooo agree... <P>It's just that sometimes, it is impossible. <BR>Like I've said, my H doesn't want me to quit my job. I've wanted to quit, because it is so uncomfortable. Both of us wish I "could" but know I "can't". We've talked and talked, and my H won't let me, and frankly, I shouldn't have to. I'm honestly praying that the OM will leave. There are sometimes circumstances which dictate what will happen. <P>I maintain a <B>working contact rule</B>, if you will. I have to see the guy, so we say good morning, good night, and anything <B>work related</B> in between. I don't look at him when I pass him (like I did in the olden days of the affair) and I don't talk about anything personal. Take my health (please ). He doesn't know anything that the whole office doesn't know. I didn't "take him aside" and tell him anything. I don't go anywhere alone with him - not the lunch room, not meetings... I don't walk near him if there are several of us walking. If he rambles by me, I turn and walk next to someone else. Yes, it's a hassle, but it's how is has to be for now. <B>Until he leaves</B> which we are praying for... I waited seven years for this job and it's very specialized. Everything I've done over those seven years has led to this point, and we'll be dammed if I'm gonna be the one to bail. That's how my H and I see it. <P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I agree with you TNT although I am in a sticky spot. My Ow from two years ago is my daughter's mother. My W is pregnant by OM so whatever happens he may want contact.<P>If it were possible I think I would move, I honestly think I would. (W said if I ever do that she would gladly go with me)<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Of course I agree, but just because I think it should be that way, doesn't mean it is.<P>We can lead our own life as an example, but we can not make anyone believe anything, even if we are 100% right.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

My H still works at the same plant where she works. It is a big place and they don't actually work together. He sees her truck as she is driving into the parking lot fairly regularly. He sees her occassionally at work and very rarely their two departments may work together. There aren't an overabundance of Nuclear Power Plants to chose from and only 2 in Texas so moving isn't very likely. She kept telling him she was going to move after her divorce with her second husband was final. She hasn't.<P>My H never strikes up a conversation with her anymore,(atleast that is what he says) but she has in the past 6 months come up to him and pulled the "how are things going, is there anything I can do to help, I really hope you guys make it" CRAP solely designed to appear to him to be the person still willing to fill him with love points. It hurts that he has never taken these opportunities to just tell her to go away. We are the first of many relationships she has involved herself in that hasn't ended in divorce. I truly fear that she will never completely stop her little game until he makes it uncomfortable for her and makes it perfectly clear that she has lost this one.<P>He has become aware of what she really is. He knows how much he was lied to. He knows about the other affairs and how she "conquered him" because he had the reputation of being such a good man and wanted to see if she could. She did tell me that she had to work a lot harder for him. "I hope that makes you feel better" GAG GAG GAG. The point I'm trying to make is that he knows all this stuff, but he still can't think badly of her. He still says "I don't want to hurt her anymore" Wake up. You never hurt her in the first place.<P>The only good thing I can see come out of the infrequent contact they have is that he has slowly begun to open her eyes and see her. He commented that it looked like she had gained a little weight. She had some weight to lose when I met her just after the affair ended. He pretty much described her to me as looking like Heather Locklear. I guess she did as long as Heather Locklear had first been morphed with Miss Piggy.<P>I have feared that she will remain young and "beutiful" to him for the rest of our lives. He knows the relationship was never real, but that didn't keep him from enjoying it or still remembering it as being perfect. Maybe if he sees her as she gets old and HOPEFULLY fatter and fatter, his perfect memory of her will fade.<P>I better get my BE THANKFUL list out and read it again. It doesn't seem to be working these last few days though.

I have to say I agree whole-heartedly. I think it may be a thing where after a while the contact might be easier to endure (from my perspective as the betrayed spouse) but for now...We felt we had to leave our church because of OW she decided after discovery that's where she wanted to attend. Our Pastor acted like it would be the "christian" thing to just forgive and be able to co-exist. I just don't know if that's possible. Is it?<P>------------------<BR>"A Bend In The Road Is Not The End Of The Road...Unless You Fail To Make The Turn."

trustntruth:<BR>I see things as you do "black and white" the gray area is "unsettling". They cannot be friends once they have been lovers...they should not be talking to each other about anything because the talking is about their relationship and how much they miss and want to be together, they should not see each other because it will lead back to the same relationship, and it will restart or continue, whatever may be the case. Its simple.....there should be no contact....if any type of contact continues....then they are continuing to hide something....that's what my husband is doing now....calling her.....and waiting for the tempest to calm down....to restart.....

TNT -- I agree with you...I also see things in "black and white" and if I didn't already know this W has told me often enough.<P>Unfortunately, the "NO CONTACT" policy is impossible in W's case since she works with OM and she insists on keeping him as a friend. But, you are absolutely right...it has definitely been an impediment to working on the marriage. It keeps me leery and suspicious of the future even though nothing has happened since the first time and she is definite in her assertions for the future.<BR>

silly me, i told my H a hundred times that he needed to quit his job to get away from OW, assuming he heard me when i begged him not to hire her at the new place...well, he did, and they lived together...hell on earth for me, b/c i only SUSPECTED he was seeing her the whole time, never knew it till she called me to confirm that, NO, we were not separated (to my knowledge, at least).<BR>well, time for another job, and i told him to get the one 100 miles from her house, or our marriage was over. he complied, this time, and is sweeter to me than any husband should be, but he still has suspiscious weekend disappearances. why she would still give him the time of day at this point is a mystery to me, but he is pretty wily.<BR>sorry for the vent, yet AGAIN, but my answer is: get away from OP, no matter what. if you have to have that "at work" arrangement, then make sure the betrayed knows EVERYTHING that is going on. <BR>i think this is the ONLY way to restore trust.

Maybe I should start another thread, asking how many people that have not adhered to the no contact rule - have a doubt about the possibility of recovery.....<P>It just seems that the no contact cases I've read here, in the last 6 months, seem to have a forward motion of recovery, and the cases "with" contact are still in and out of limbo more often.<P>Whatcha think? Start a new thread or keep this one going?

tnt --<P>I, too, tend to see things in "black and white". I agree -- no contact, period! <P>I also agree with sadforever in that if contact continues, it's only a matter of time before the problems begin anew.<P>Good idea about starting another thread. I'm inclined to agree in that "friendships" that continue appear to be leaving marriages in limbo, whereas those that break contact seem to get resolved.<P>My w continues "firendship" with OM and his wife -- her "best friend". Seemingly, I can't get her to break direct contact. Also, they share so many common friends, it's almost as though they have indirect contact. It's an accident waiting to happen!!!<P>Start the new thread. I know I'm not the only one who'll be watching with great interest.

TNT,<P>I totally agree too. <P>We have had a set back today. No, he didn't talk to the OW yet but, he still plans to I think before the transfer. Time will tell.<P>I will let you know if it gets better after he can't or doesn't see her usually 48 hours a week. <P>Geeze that is more hours than he can see me in one week. <P>He thinks the transfer will be a good one too.<P>I don't usually see things in just black and white. I really don't think that believing this way is a black or white thing. To facilitate the healing of a marriage I think that no contact is of the utmost importance. <P>There is a woman on this board who's husband didn't do that and they are doing great or at least were several months ago. It may have been Wassi? I think that is the exception to the rule.<P>So my vote is "NO CONTACT IS NECESSARY!" Problem is we always don't get the perfect scenario so, therefore we have to deal with what we get.<P>I do feel that my husband and I would be farther along in this process if he'd done this 7 to 8 months ago like I requested.<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

TNT,<P>One more perspective before you start a new thread...<P>I have to see my OM at work. He is a dr. at the hospital where I work, and we work together some.<P>Like new_beginning, I have worked hard to get this job - it is specialized and I enjoy a great income and job satisfaction. I will not give it up for OM. BUT, I would give it up ina HEARTBEAT for my H and have told him so repeatedly. I think it still bothers him that I work with OM even though our EA was brief and has been over almost 2 yrs ago. Since my H is in an on-going affair, I will not quit now but would if H came home and wanted me to - without looking back!!<P>I think it is possible to work with the OP, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT you have to be ever so careful and take precautions to keep things from slipping back.<P>In my case, I doubt I would ever fall for the OM again, because all he wanted from me was sex. When our relationship did not become sexual, I had to break it off. Really, I believe he cared about me, but sex was what he wanted, and I just couldn't do that to my H, so it ended then and there.<P>I work with him and really when I look at him I see 2 things: one is a guy I WORK with (no love feelings, really none) and second, I have transferred a lot of hate (sorry, it is true!) to him. In a way, I BLAME him for a large part of the mess I am in now - and I hate him for his part in it all. Doesn't mean I am not taking responsibility for my own actions, just putting a lot of the negativity on him. I have to live with myself, but I don't need him in my life, so it is easy to attach alot of that negativity to him. Also, makes him less appealling, and he is pretty unappealling to me anyway!<P>Roll Me Away

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