Well, my H who has been living two hours away for the last four weeks (due to new job) brought up a R talk with me. I've been in plan A, so no R talks brought up by me, and last one he brought up was 2 months ago.

He said he wants to file in April. He orginally told me he wanted a D in November, and I asked to wait until baby was born in May....he said he thinks he's going to file in April because it takes 6 months and if he doesn't now, he'd have to wait until July or August since we'll be busy with the baby in May and June.

I asked what the rush was and he said he thinks we need to do something, can't keep living as we have been since November, kind of in limbo.

He said he's been trying to be supportive for me and there for me for the baby's sake the last few months, but he won't give up OW. She makes him happy and although they live 7 hours apart, they have talked about trying to be together next summer (2004). He doesn't know the chances of that happening, but doesn't see any hope for me and him either.

He doesn't miss me (having been gone 4 weeks now) and feels less pressure (felt like I was pressuring him to fall in love with me...so maybe my plan A was kind of strong). Also doesn't want me to have false hope.

I told him I don't want a divorce (actually this was about a 3 hour talk, so many things were discussed). But I said I don't want a divorce, want him to give me a chance, want to see what happens once the baby is born, etc.

So, he didn't say what he would do, guess we both have much to think about and I hope I gave him a lot to consider.

Any thoughts on this? Should I stay in plan A...which is what I think because of the baby coming and we still email every day quite often and talk a few nites a week.

Don't know if I should just say fine, let's get this over with...I did say it's his decision, but made it really clear it's not what I want.

Any thoughts?

Hmb,

fog talk!

don't get caught up in it. If he needs to let others meet his needs, then let it happen. He is still responsible to take care of his family, so he must meet the financial obligations.

Trust me most OWs want the $$ and not willing to share it with the W. So eventually this will be an issue. Don't give up your need for support.

You just had a baby so you are also vulnerable to emotional issues. Make sure you get to the doctor and let him know what you are going through. Get medical support through this ordeal.

Have you setup your personal support group? Don't be shy, you need it.

take care,
L.

You had his baby. He will be responsible for this little one. He must know that a woman goes through many mood swings when her hormones are adjusting to the growth of the baby, and then after the birth of the baby, the hormones fluctuate. It is so sad that you didn't have the father there to support you.

I agree with Orchid totally. You should tell your Dr. so that you can get medication if needed. Also, be careful if you are breast feeding.

Is he paying for the aid of this baby, clothing, food, rent, etc.? If not, then he should. Afterall he created this child out of love or lust.

Don't fall into his trap of babble, like Orchid said. The wayward spouse thinks they have found the right person with their affair. But in the long run, they were used. And you husband will shortly find out that they were used.

Get support going through, friends, family, church, or groups. You need help, emotionally, financially, and psychologically. Good luck.

First of all, having a baby is going to make it harder, not easier due to the demands needed of taking care of child.
So I doubt this will change his thinking.
Secondly, if he and OW live 7 hours apart, how can she be meeting his needs and making him happy?
If it's true, then they can't be spending much time together, therefore it's a fantasy world, not the real world!
Ask him if he'll just wait and let him try living with OW for a while. Ask him what is the rush? He may as well continue his A when they can be together 24/7 and see if his little fantasy bubble burst then!
An A is not reality. They do not know what day to day living together and meeting responsibilities as a couple are yet!
Should I suggest plan B? Ask some of the more experienced group here. I've not had the experience of plan B.
The baby is not here yet, but he's putting much stress on you already.
He does have financial responsibility to you and child, but that's about all he seems to be doing now.
Perhaps when he sees the baby, holds it? I don't think it will make much difference to some men. If he can live as he has during the pregnancy, they why is he going to be any different when child arrives?
I would bet if he does go through with divorce, and then live with OW at some point, he will be one sorry man later on.
Ask him to just give it time without divorce. Go play like he's divorced anyway, because it hasn't seemed to be a problem for him to act single so far!
Divorce is only necessary if he's planning on jumping right into marrying her. And that is one huge mistake at this point in time.
Negotiate a separation for a few months.
God bless you and baby, LouLou

P.S. and if it's any comfort, my FWH said OW made him happy. But when he broke it off, he later realized he did not love her at all. He only went to a counselor one time, but told the guy he would have been miserable had he divorced me and gone to OW.
It took his finding out who she really was to wake him up. And according to your H, not living with OW, 7 hours apart, all he's got is fantasyland for now.
He's kidding himself for sure.
LouLou

Thanks all for reading me...

Orchid: I do have some people that know about this...my family knows we have problems although not about OW. His parents do know though and so I talk to them quite a bit....they are both very disappointed but don't talk to him about it really because don't want to alienate him from them.
I have alot of family nearby to help with the baby....I'm actually 6 weeks away from having it.

We are handling our finances as we did when we lived together, so he is still responsible that way. He does want to be a part of the baby's birth, is planning on coming back weekends. Also has suggested I come live with him for a week or so during my maternity leave so he can help out and be there to experience the newness of a baby.

So, I think your right, a lot is fog talk...but I wonder if he's just doing it to do what's right for the baby and for him to experience it...He seems so certain that we have no chance to be together.

Faith:
I haven't had the baby yet, so he will be there and I'm hoping that holding his first, and possibly only child, it will help him realize that he's giving up really being a father...

My dr. knows the situation...was very surprised. When my H lived here (up until 4 weeks ago) he came to every appointment...now of course he can't be there and I told the dr. what had been going on. She thinks holding this baby for the first time is going to be more emotional and affect him more than he may realize...
My blood pressure has been good, and baby doing good, so no other meds needed now.
As I wrote above, he is being responsible financially.
Also has tried to be there emotionally by acting as if with me during these months. I don't think he gets it though how much this hurts....he knows he's hurt me and doesn't want to, but isn't willing to give her up which is the only way to stop hurting me.

LadyLou:
That is so true....I need to remember it's still very much a fantasy because of the distance...even though they talk every day and I'm sure email, etc. That's still not reality. I need to remember that they are still showing each other their best sides because it's like vacationland when they see each other.

It's so hard when he sounds so sure though...that he won't give her up and is going to keep going on like this. When he said that she makes him happy...I did say, what happens when she stops making you happy...don't you think you should make yourself happy. He didn't say anything but I hope it gave him something to think about.

I almost wish she was closer than 7 hours so they could be together 24/7....the thing is, he said he doesn't see that being a possibility for them until at least summer 2004...due to his job and her not wanting to move to him right now. She has two children and all her family where she lives and is not crazy about moving this far away. That's one thing...maybe she won't want to move away from her family, and he doesn't want to be too far from the baby, so that could fizzle things out...it's just a matter of time probably.

I'm hoping my H realizes what yours did...that it's all a fantasy and that she makes him happy in that situation, but real life would not be the same.

One thing that confuses me...and I think I'm going to set up an appointment with Steve H to talk about is that he said that when he lived with me he felt pressure. That I was pressuring him to love me or fall in love with me.
Does that sound like my plan A was too strong?

I told him that I was trying to let him know that I didn't take him for granted, which is one of the things that led to the affair. I was letting him know that I loved him and so if he felt pressure, I guess it was me changing so he didn't feel taken for granted.

But have you heard that before? It worries me because he said he didn't know how he would like living alone, and he doesn't mind it at all...especially without that pressure from me.

Maybe more fog talk, or him feeling guilty????