I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope
this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Divorce Busting is a great book, and the 180 idea does work - I've tried it - tried being the operative word as I never follow through. But please tell me - and read my signature first because you'll see we have the serial cheating in common - HOW do you do it??? How did you move on?? I've been with H for 6 years but M less than 1 and you can see what has already happened...I am young and I know I should stop this rollercoaster I'm on with him but I can't seem to do it. I'm in therapy, on anti-d, trying trying trying, but I seem to have been in this rut since last d-day, even with H's continued contact w/OW...what is wrong with me? Why can't I see this man for who he really is and get on with my life?

MPELE,
Thanks for your reply. Keep working on you and learning to love yourself.

Here is more of my story:
Married 1/1993
Divorce 7/1995 because H moved in with OW(so called friend)
OW moved to another state we Remarried 3/1997
4/1997 found picture of an OW on his desk
3 year Plan A
Continued contact SAME OW! 4/99 (separted 2 weeks)
He cryed begged pleaded
Continued contact SAME OW! 1/00 (separated 2 months)
He cryed begged pleaded
Continued contact SAME OW! 6/01 (separated 4 months) and I filed for Divorce
He cryed begged pleaded and sent no contact letter to OW + all our friends/family/Pastor
9/01 Divorce on hold started marriage counseling
attended weekly counseling until 6/02
Finally Divorce 12/2002

For me it was a personal journey of self recovery. I learned he was treating me the way I allowed him to treat me. I learned I was just as guilty for what was happening in my life because I allowed it to happen. I learned that loving and forgiving him has NOTHING to do with marriage/reconciliation. I love him, I forgive him, I want whats best for him - but this is not good for either one of us. I learned I was like a battered woman who keeps coming back for more. I learned to love and care for myself and not worry so much about HIS issues - thats his problem. I'm grateful for the experience because without it I wouldn't be who I am today.

Keep working on you and learning to love yourself. In time you will find happiness with or without him.

Read the link in my signiture. CarolKh thread. It is an inspiration.

jd

I LUV ANDPROTECTME
I am so sorry that I did not see tis four months ago,, maybe tings would be better...my wife is leaving me afetr 12 years... we have been in the house after D day jan5/03...she started seeing OM whom she says he called it off over 1month ago.. she still sees him as they work together..long and short is that she is moving out with my 2Ds..
will not have a chance for a 180.. I copied off everthing today to strt with the plan...Too late.. this seems like it really works.. hopefully someone after me will reap the benefits...
Take care!

Jdmac1,

You are right about the CarolKh thread, I’d almost forgotten about it. Thanks for the reminder (I also added the link to my signature block.) I often suggest the 180 to people but I think that few grasp it and/or follow through. Maybe having the like so they can see it working will help.

I find that the MB and DB material work well together. Even though the come from different points of view. They way I use them is that MB is the overall structure. DB has great ideas on how to do MB for life.. the day to day things that make a difference.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

zorweb,

Absolutely I agree with everything you said. And while I didn't personally use Carols exact approach, I saw the beauty of it after I had started pulling away for real. Had I followed a similar 180 approach with a strong MB(ie; Plan A)approach, things most likely would have happened much faster, meaning recovery.

Certianly not everyone will benifit from any plan. Some marriages are gonna fail no matter what. I believe those that have a chance to be saved will have the best chance using both of these great sites and plans. Marriage Builders, and Divorce Busters.

jd

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>

You guys are too much (blush).

Popped into this thread because of the title and found y'all talking about me, LOL

I think DB is great...and I totally agree with the MB principles--HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS is one of my fav books!

Carol
PS. H and I are still going strong! It has been almost 2 yrs that he has been back. We are one of the lucky couples, and I am so thankful to be together--especially when I think back to some of my darkest days during the 1 1/2 yr separation, with seemingly no hope of reconcilliation.