orchid,

this is a bad night for me, very bad. yes i am in shock, and i suppose it will taper in the coming days, but the reality of whay i said i think will remain.

H i not a safe person for me and the kids. I want his away from me and them, for perhaps a very long time.

H2Y
Your post made me cry...harder! I feel your support and care, all of you, and I am so greatful. I have few people in my life who can handle the uglyness of my mess...and i tend to "protect" my parents and some others from the gory details...result: me alone.

Orchid

I have taken "ownership" of many issues and ways in which I contributed to the problems in our M. Cheack my recent posts...you will get the story.

I do not say this lightly: H is really messed up. He's addicted, and abducted by aliens...the whole thing. All I can do now is protect me and kiddies. I love them so so so much.

I have been on a road to recovery of my own...I initiated a plab b, and was doing an ok job of it...i felt h was fog-bound...and could not reach him. But, this has still hit me hard between the eyes. If you met H, you would never imagine he was capable of this....never. I gues I still have a hard time really believing that: this is him. not anymore. He's made his point.

Hey adgirl,

U joinin' this star gazing party too???? Not sure what part of the continent you hail from but let us know what the sky looks like from wherz you arez!!! he he he

Yes Orchid,
I am about to go out and join Eleanor and H2U- I don't think they will mind a Tennessean joining them- at 10 PM Central Time. !!! I am a little late- going now!!!!!

Eleanor, Be good to you!!!!!!! We are all thinking about you...let's go see some stars!

boy you people are quick on the ol' keyboards...

no sky here in Quebec...rainy...but I am looking up at the rain, and know that there are bright stars just beyond the clouds...life metaphor right?

I am going to bed soon, it's 11pm here, and i wil have to put ice packs on my eyes or something to get them looking normal for tomorrow...

i feel old and tired. I'm only 35, but I used to funny, full of life, optimistic....it's all gone. I want to tell my kids that life is going to be good and wonderful, and that they will create happiness in their lives...but how? Did I create this unhapiness in mine?

Maybe my parents messed up when they passed on a rosy view of how life would be. Maybe I just made some wrong choices...oh I'm tired. Hope I can sleep.

thank you mb'ers for rallying for me tonight...you have no idea how much it has helped. i will go to sleep thinking about my friends who really understand what i am feeling.

i'll check in in the morning

E

Ok I went outside. It was the coolest. It is cloudy here- not many stars out. There was the full moon, gorgeous....then I promise- I saw 3 stars. I thought of Eleanor, Orchid and Husband 2 U. Then I turned around and saw 4 stars- I figure those are 4 people hurting tonight, who need stars to look upon too!!
Night night Eleanor- I hope you can have sweet dreams.

((((((Eleanor))))))))

Oh sometimes I hate being right I really do. I'm in a rush now, but will come back later to post some more. I am so very very sorry for your latest discovery, and yes, of course, it explains everything doesn't it?

Big hugs and love to you Eleanor, we're all here for you, and yes you do belong here.

Lisa

Eleanor-

I'm so sorry to read of these latest developments with your H. I know too well the frustration and agony of continued contact between your WS and the OP....it can start to seem unbearable. I sort of fall into the same category as "fair weather" Catholic but I tell you, repeated prayers will help you get through this. Support groups can also be extremely beneficial, they were a life saver for me!

Just remember in the coming days and weeks that you are worthy of a true and committed partner. All of us MB'ers can vouch for that, and we hardly know you! Though we didn't have kids, I experienced alot of the same emotions you describe and am here to tell you that life can be GOOD again, and further, that your appreciation for each day can GROW. I think a strict Plan B for you is a very good idea as his actions are really too destructive for you to deal with. Good luck to you and your family, you'll get through this and be better off for it!

thank you lisa, for your support

What surprises me is how much I hurt. I did not think I had it left in me.

I hardly slept last night, and dread the coming days as the shock and reality of it sinks in...I remember this feeling.

One of the things I resent most is the bite this takes out of my life and MY goals and peace of mind etc. I don't want to waste not one more precious minute of this life in this kind of misery...i have my great kids to live for.

How long will this take to lift from my heart...oh I wish it could instantly...I have had so much pain already. I am sorry to have tried so hard, given 100% to that relationship, for nothing. Everything else has only gotten a fraction of that attention.

Thanks everyone for the star-gaze, cyber-hugs and general concern.

Must wake kiddies, make lunches, feed them, take them to school, go to work, live life.

E

Eleanor, I have no words of wisdom for you, no magic spells to help you, the only thing I have to send is all my love and prays for you and your kids. Reading your post today I felt the pain and hurt you are going though and wish I could do something to help you. Just know that you and your boys are in my prays.
Ellyn

Dear Eleanor, I am so sad to read this thread,so very sad for you and send you lots of MB vibes.
Now I'm going to pep talk you here-you can and will get through this.!

You are a strong woman Eleanor and you deserve so much better than this. Your 3 boys will give you so much love and you must be receptive to it. You have achieved so much already, and I know that you will be ok.

But first you have to deal with the pain and hurting. So cry when you need to, with friends if you can. I like you am a "supermarket" catholic but sometimes Eleanor, it really feels comforting to just go and sit in a church and let your mind go blank, let your thoughts think themselves....

Make time to do somthing nice for you-you are a runner aren't you? Buy some flowers,you know what sort of things you like.

I think if I were in your position, then I would go to absolute Plan B, to protect yourself.

thinking of you and vibing you my support,

Deluded

Ellyn
thanks for your vibes and support, every bit helps, it really does.

Deluded,
Thanks to you for your post. I am IN plan b, and I was anyways. I am enraged though...absolutely furious. I sent some scorching emails to H last night...nasty stuff. It felt good. I also put all his possessions in garbage bags, and put them on the front porch...he picked them up and did not come in. That felt good too.

I want that man away from me for a very very long time. Can you even call this plan B? I think it's more of a pre-cursor to plan D.

I hope, Deluded, that things are going well for you. I suspect they are, and may you find all the peace in your life that you deserve.

I am buying a second-hand treadmill so that I can run when the kids are in bed.

Litch: I will take care of me, I promise. But right now I feel like I am a walking open wound...ouch ouch ouch. I cannot believe I still have it in me to be so hurt by this man. I am stunned by that.

I guess my rose-colored glasses and optimism keep creeping up on me when I am not looking...and I get set up again for BANG! another shocker.

Eleanor,

I am so sorry I missed your thread yesterday night.

I am thinking of you and totally understand your pain. I was in the same situation when, WW was hitting on my cage by delivering more and more pain with her lies and abusive remarks. The phone bill is the biggest trigger. You hope that your love hit a string, that he/she may have gotten out of the fog, and when you see the *^(&^*$%&^ phone bill you understand that it was all in vain. The blow is so powerful. You think that you won't survive it. I share your pain, Eleanor.

Only an aggressive plan B will help you at this point. You have to get as far away as possible from WH. I am not saying that plan B will bring him back. Rather you will stop the flow of negative triggers that makes us so vulnerable. NO CONTACT!!! No trips, phone calls, delete e-mails without reading them, delete v/m without listening to them. The man he is right now is not worth it.

I missed your thread yesterday, because I was at the movies, then went to a restaurant. I had good time. It was the first time I did it alone, and it felt great that I can do it. After all these months of grief, depression and uncertainty I could enjoy myself once again. This is what plan B gave me. The boundaries are set and nobody can invade them to ruin my day. It is very hard to maintain them, but it is a lot better than to let WS hurt you at will.

Take good care of yourself Eleanor. You will be in my prayers.
Big Star

Big Star,

thanks for your post. I know you and so many others have lived through this kind of pain, and you inspire me. I am so glad for you that you went to a movie and enjoyed it, enjoyed your own company.

I was always someone who did enjoy my own company...thank God for that, because that's what I am left with now.

I am glad to see that others put their lives back together after this.

E

Eleanor,
I am glad to hear from you. I have been thinking a lot about my own situation and I think it applies to most WS. I think what we as BS's do not believe right when D-days occur and the hell continues, is that the WS's are the ones who will most likely be sad, hurting and miserable. The WS's look like they are calling the shots and having the fun. The truth is, as far as my ex-WH at least- he was commitment phobic. The saddest thing to me, is that he is missing out on so much. So much time wasted. Commitment is not a bad thing, it is a peaceful thing, a security blanket. BS's hurt in the beginning- but overall, we usually survive and thrive and go on with life, becoming stronger- we still have our families/kids/friends/life- and we don't have to live with the guilt. How sad that because my ex made foolish choices, he has to live with that forever. And he is stuck in it. He doesn't seem to want to move on and out of the mess. How long has it been since he has really had a good day? I don't know. And that is what is horrifying. I look at my beautiful 7 yr old niece who my ex absolutely adored, and while she hurts that he is gone, it is even sadder because it is him who misses her growing up- it is my ex who misses her making funny faces, imitating Clay on American Idol, or missing her soccer games, or my mom's graduation last weekend, or my nephew's first words, or my brother and him playing golf, etc etc. He walked away from all of that. And for what? A thrill. That was temporary. That will turn to emptiness. Incompleteness. Realizing you are with someone you can't trust, because they were your partner in crime. And it makes me thankful for being in my shoes. Because by the Grace of God, I will get through this and move on. And because addictions are so captivating that it will be a hard road for my ex. I just pray that he will turn to the face of God, wanting to put away his past and have a better future...a stronger future. For now, he is just a wayward person, fumbling to make it through the days.....
Eleanor, you will make it through this. You will be ok. I will pray your husband will be too.

Oh and Eleanor,
I talked about things and other people our spouses will miss- but most importantly, they will miss us, memories and dreams- I guarantee you they will wonder for a long time- it will be in the back of their minds what they have thrown away. Someone has a quote from Hope Floats:

You two deserve each other...you were lucky to have me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am soooo P*ssed off at YOUR dumb husband that I need to VENT!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I was re-reading some of the stuff you wrote earlier in April. How your H was "not attracted" to YOU, although you were attractive, just not to him..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This makes so much sense now. He was a lying snake-in-the grass <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> back then ..... allowing you to think his A was over..... dragging your wounded woman's soul into the uncertainty of self-doubt .... rubbing your nose into the rejection .... and doing it as if he was returning to the marriage.

I am venting ..... the stupid jerk has me so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I was re-reading some of the stuff you wrote earlier in April. How your H was "not attracted" to YOU, although you were attractive, just not to him.....
This makes so much sense now. He was a lying snake-in-the grass back then ..... allowing you to think his A was over..... dragging your wounded woman's soul into the uncertainty of self-doubt .... rubbing your nose into the rejection

Oh yeh, this is classic!! I hate that!!!! I didn't know he did that, I didn't see your post from April. My ex told me the same thing- I had a complex about it for a while- I mean, how can your husband not feel one ounce of attraction to you? Well because he is a liar who is still foggy!!! I told my ex it might have been nice to know the truth, then I would have realized he didn't want to cheat on his girlfriend with his wife! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Pep, adagirl,

thanks for your posts. yes it all makes sense now. H not attracted to me...not enjoying SF...god that hurt so much, you cannot imagine. It makes sense to me now...and I guess it was in the back of my head that maybe there was more than just fog...and there was.

He lied to me, made me think that even while he was putting his efforts back into the marriage...I just was not cutting it! It's done a number on my feelings about myself, but I am dealing with it. My head tells me that I am a good package, but my heart...well.

I cannot believe the man I married could behave this way..I still cannot get my head around it...it's plain nuts. He lied to my face over and over and over.

I could never compete with the ow, I never had a chance. I do not know what to tell the kids. I don't think I can let them think that this was my idea, that I did not want their dad around. It's not right. I will not poison them against him...they will draw their own conclusions.

Adagirl: you are right, H is miserable...he really is. I know he's hitting rock bottom, but it's like he wants to stay there. He will miss our beautiful life, kids, friends, home. But I wish I could feel sympathy for him now...he's in a hell of his own making. I do not have positive feelings for him now, not even empathy.

Pep: it's revolting to read back over those posts and see the treachery, no?

I sent him a plan b letter about 1 week ago. At the time, it was because his constant "indecision" was killing me, although i still felt alot of love and care for him. How ironic. It was a really loving letter...I really spilled my guts, and then "stepped back" from him, asking him to resolve his issues.

Now this. I have no plan yet, just letting the panic and shock settle. I know one thing: I want no contact for a long time. He's not safe even for the kids. I saw from the cell bill that his calls to her were even at times when he was taking care fo the kids. Also, he once asked her to babysit our kids here, and she did, before I knew anything of course. sick sick man

more soon.

E

Eleanor

I was so very sorry to read this but of course, it does make sense now. Not wanting to go to MC, the indecsion the whole nine yards. I hate it that I was right, but it just seemed odd to me, and of course, it wasn't odd at all. He was still lying cheating - as Pep says, it makes me very angry. What would I have given to have a spouse who truly wanted to try and work on M.

Listen, now, what are you going to do over the next few days (particularly at the weekend) to look after you? I want a direct response to this. I want to know what Eleanor time you plan. You need to put this time in for you so you can be strong for your beautiful babies. Do not worry about him at this time. There is no point, you will drive yourself mad. Care for you and the kids.

Eleanor, I so wish this wasn't happening for you. But you will survive, you will be OK.

Take care dear Eleanor.

Lisa

P.S. Big special cyber hugs to you from London <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Adagirl: you are right, H is miserable...he really is. I know he's hitting rock bottom, but it's like he wants to stay there. He will miss our beautiful life, kids, friends, home. But I wish I could feel sympathy for him now...he's in a hell of his own making. I do not have positive feelings for him now, not even empathy.

Eleanor,
I often feel like my ex wants to stay at rock bottom too. I think they don't want to put the energy into picking themselves up. It is too soon for you to have any feelings of empathy or sympathy- I didn't mean to come across that way if I did...I was just trying to give you hope, that IT DOES GET BETTER....I have grown a lot these last few months- it hasn't been that long for me, but I can see my days going from pure and raging anger, to some of that anger and some sympathy (no empathy- isn't empathy where you know their pain? We can't begin to know it because it was self-inflicted), to a little anger and a lot sympathy..and so on. The bad bad days still come, but fewer and farther in between. Overall I feel very good about myself, my life and my future- regardless of what happens with ex-WH. I feel like with God and me together, I can handle whatever outcome. It is just going to take God, a LOT of time, and a LOT of self healing.
And Lisa in London has the right idea- figure out some things to pamper yourself and just do for you!! Can someone take care of your children for a few hours so you can go do something you enjoy this weekend?
BTW, my name is adgirl because I work in advertising, but you put adAgirl- and I love it actually! I thought, you know, I have gotten to say AdAgirl a lot to myself lately. Keep on, keeping on!!!!!!!

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Lisa: ok, this weekend is a long weekend here, so I have a lot of time slots to fill. The weather should be great, I am planning lots of outdoor stuff with the kids. It's hard to think that I will be alone every evening now. Most people I know are with their families.

It's one thing to be on one's own, but another to be the only adult in a house of 4 boys, 7 and under. I will be sad to have no adult chat/contact at the end of a long day. It makes me sad.

Lisa: I guess I trusted him to be truthful again, amazing to think that I did that...trust. I asked him directly many times: is anything going on...I thought he would be honest bcs HE told me about OW#2. whatever.

Adgirl: ok I'm a dufus. I would see your name and think : atta-girl! I guess I want that to be your name.

I am going to get the kids to bed now. No questions from them yet. God I am dreading the talk. It's like I see my body from above.."the speech to the kids about why dad is not coming home" a terrible movie that I never thought I would star in.

I hope I can sleep better tonight.

E