My husband and I have been seperated for eight months now. He's military and recently has been stationed to the Louisiana. I have been praying and trying to figure out what to do next. He calls me and I don't try to persue him. I let him talk and he lets me talk.

My problem is this, he will be deployed this month for the war and I don't know whether or not to keep in contact with him. We have a son and I send him photos of our son via e-mail. Once he goes overseas, he e-mailed me and told me it would be okay for me to write to him. I love him but I've been through the ringer for him and I'm tried of it. I get the feeling that I'm good enough to be his pen pal but not his wife. I was going to plan b once he arrived in Lousiana, but there was and still is too much we have to try and figure out as in my stuff being shipped there and me recieving the agreed upon support. When we talk, I act as if I'm happy with the situation and don't bring up the divorce. Neither one of us have filed and I don't want to while he is over there. Actually, I don't want to file period. He will be gone atleast six months.

I'm just not sure if i can take writing to him. My heart breaks again everytime I talk to him on the phone. It's getting easier but I still have slight hope about us reconciling.

Anyway, back to the question, should i stay in contact ie. write him, while he is over there or go to plan b?

LunaDove,

If you are up to it you should not go to plan B. Plan B is only when you can't take it any longer or WS starts to reject your plan A (acknowledge it yet not come home). Staying of R talk and avoid LB is not plan A. You have to do those but plan A itself is about negotiating with WS. One thing for sure you have to look back and change the part that you contaminated your M with ... there might be none but it is unlikely. This way is will make it "safe" for WH to come home. Keep the communication open since you need it for long distance plan A. Learn to fillin his ENs. If you could hold your self avoiding LB you might try to hint about "R". Yes, you should not clingy and crying ... but you could give him a hint about R and let him bite it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Hang in there ... it is sad but the rate of A in men/women that serve us is higher than general population <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

-rh-

The thing is, he has rejected plan a. He saw the diferences I made in myself while we were seperated in Hawaii. He didn't care. I can see him softening now but at the same time I feel like it's too late. I've taken enough of his anger and i don't think I can take it anymore. I don't LB him. I don't mention anything that angers him but I am tired of this.

I hinted about the R last week. Just made a slight comment that when/if he gets out of the army in a year and a half, we might try and work on things then. He's angry at himself for everything and takes full blame. I don't make comments to him when he talks like that. These have been his choices, not mine. I'm just living with them and enjoying my new life. It's his coice if he wants to come back.

Another thing, I am currently living with my parents and they are spending a lot of time with our son. Here's something my husband told me today, he believes he is losing his place of daddy to my son and that he is being replaced by grandpa. Son talked to him on the phone today and kept calling him grandpa. So, now my husband is angry about that. He also says he has nothing to live for except going to Iraq and being a soldier.

What am I suppose to say to this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> posted September 02, 2003 10:25 PM
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Another thing, I am currently living with my parents and they are spending a lot of time with our son. Here's something my husband told me today, he believes he is losing his place of daddy to my son and that he is being replaced by grandpa. Son talked to him on the phone today and kept calling him grandpa. So, now my husband is angry about that. He also says he has nothing to live for except going to Iraq and being a soldier.

What am I suppose to say to this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I know what I would say! But, well, I can be a little too blunt at times. My father's told me that I am painfully honest lol.

But, being diplomatic, ask him what he wants you to say. Ask him if he thinks you're enjoying having them seperated. Ask him if he thinks that you've been having a grand time and not agonizing over the past events. Ask him if he thinks it makes you feel good to have a son seperated from his father. Geez, that makes me so mad that he would say that to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I know my big fat mouth wouldn't stop if I was asked that question.

I'm sorry, but it's so unfair of him to say that to you. We military wives have no choice but to move with our husbands. We love them, we're supportive, and we're there for them. Our situations really are different from people in the civillian world. When we decide to seperate, we have to move thousands of miles back home to get the support of our families.. The majority of us military wives don't have a higher education. We're the homemakers who follow and support our husbands and families. When an A rocks our worlds, we're alone and have to deal with it. And if we have to leave, we can't just move up the street to mom's house. It's not that easy. This has been a huge huge reason why I am still here -- my kid's relationship with their father. I'm disgusted with him, but I truly despise the idea of having to take them away from him. But then again, if that's what I have to do for them to have a healthy home...well...that's what has to be done. He had the A, knowing what could happen, he needs to be reasonable enough to know that he has to accept this.

Does he want to reconcile? If so, has he considered coming home and serving out the rest of his time in the reserves? It is possible to do that.

Man, that topic makes me want to rant!

I can't offer advice on whether or not to plan B him. He really is more vunerable being over there. There's a chance he could feel betrayed (oh, god forbid) that you'd carry it over there when he could be in a life or death situation. And if you decided to keep contact, he could also see it as a supportive, loving gesture and he could really begin to evaluate his life and decide to make a change. You know when they're on deployment, especially in a dangerous area, they start thinking deep thoughts about their life.

Good luck on that decision. I hope someone more intelligent than I can come along and give you that exact bit of info that you need!

Take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wondrme

Wondrme,
I have my degree. That's part of his anger towards me. I wasn't using it. Instead I was working on post at a job that he thought was beneath me. He wanted me to work again so I took the first job that came along. I was happy there. My son's daycare was right next door and I would see my son when he came to my work to do his gymnastics or play in the gym. I followed him for 6 years but that didn't matter.

I'm thinking I will keep in touch with him just because there is a risk that something can happen to him over there. I wrote him an e-mail basically saying what did you expect. I told him to be glad son is not calling anybody daddy. Son knows who his daddy is and husband has not been replaced. Told him he made the choices. He chose his pay check, his toys and his freedom. These are the consequences of his decisions.

As for changing his mind, I don't think he has. He talks to me like nothing is going on and like it is old times. Like i'm just visiting my parents or something. Most of the time I just play along and listen to how he's doing at work and about his family. He knows when I can't take anymore from him and ends the calls.

He just had his 7th year in the ARMY anniversary. When I congratulated him on it, he asked me why he had reelisted in the first place. I told him because you had a family to support. He then asked me "what happened?" I told him that I didn't know. Now he wants to get out but can't because he has a truck to pay off. His priorities sure changed when he was having the affair. He had to have the best to impress her with.

Anyway, I will keep in touch with him. Like you said, he could change his mind. Being over there is likely to make him rethink his priorities.