<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Colfax Bear:<BR><B>w/s says she wants to come over and help she says that she misses the yard work and house work, cooking , cleaning.<BR>should I let her would this be a good thing ? Is this a emotional need? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>EXCELLENT opportunity!! Let her come....work hard, side by side. DON"T bring up "us" or "OP" or "our M" - apparently it is one of her EN's to take care of her home. Let her. Be there with her.<P>Just be FUn, work hard, appreciate her hard work and willingness to continue caring about the yard, the housework, etc.<P>You're doing fine!! <P>Lupo<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lupolady:<BR><B> We DO tend to take our spouses for granted....I know I did. Then along came a spider.....oh, I mean, along came a HO, oh, wait, I'll figure it out! Along came an OP, who treated him with the respect I had...... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>ROFLMAO!!! Thanks for the great laugh, lupolady!<P>

Am I the only one that feels this way ? when my w/s comes over she looks good but im not turned on by here I dont feel sexual attraction, I also feel like she is just a freind that stoped over im not really attracted. conversation is light at times very light . I feel sad that she is not home where I believe she belongs . I dont feel real happy that she is here I dont feel like kidding around with her. Not much to laugh about here . How can I feel great when she is around , I mean I love to see her pulling into the drive way but after that Im reluctant to be my usual fun loving self . I dont want to puton a act and have her find out that it was a lie . Any suggestions?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Colfax Bear:<BR><B>Am I the only one that feels this way ? when my w/s comes over she looks good but im not turned on by here I dont feel sexual attraction, I mean I love to see her pulling into the drive way but after that Im reluctant to be my usual fun loving self . </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think it's just that there are TOO many emotions all tied in together with this mess, to clearly KNOW HOW you feel. Don't worry about it. It prevents you from LB'ing in any way, if you are "on guard" while she's there.<P>At least she COMES OVER!! Remember, I have not SEEN my WH in 3 months. Friday was the first phone conversation in 12 weeks. I burst into tears at the sound of his voice, but was able to implement Plan A a lot. That's the crucial thing, just let her SEE the changes you are making. <P>Not having "desire" for her works for you right now, cause it would probably be a big LB for her if you were trying to "jump her bones" and she didn't feel that way toward you. This way, you are "protected" from sending (what would be percieved as) negative vibes out.<P>Think before you talk. This helps you put your thoughts together in a way that will not LB. If she mentions that you seem "different" or "strange" - just be honest! Tell her that this situation has you on pins and needles, and it's "awkward" for her not be around all the time, and "awkward" when she IS around. Also, tell her that you DO love her, and that's why it's so hard to be around her only part-time. I don't think that's a LB. It;s just plain HONEST.<P>My .02 - FWIW<BR>Lupo<BR>

Colfax,<BR>I have been where your W is. And just from my own perspective, she is confused. You meet some of her EN's that's why she comes around you. She needs to have some contact with you. <P>You said that affection and admiration are some of her EN's.<BR>Those are some of mine. IN fact the biggest one for me is admiration. And once my H knew that, he did everything he could to make sure I knew how valued I was by him. OH the OM was doing a great job of making me feel special, but my H did an outstanding job. He came every day and put a card into my car. This way I got it, OM didn't have access to it and my H could let me know he was thinking of me, praying for me and wanting only the very best for me. And he always made sure I knew that he loved me no matter what.<BR>Over the months that worked. I knew I was safe with him, my H. I knew I was loved by him unconditionally. And for the first time in a long time I actually felt that way.<P>If your W has needs to work around your home, then allow her to fulfill that need. She is riding that fence. And you want her to make that choice to jump off on your side of the fence. Another thing is to get your kids to Plan A her too. My daughter was home while my H and I were going thru all this. And for the first time I saw what a capable young woman she was. She just stepped right in and took over the housework, cooking, everything. She made me feel very special too and that helped so much in my decision.<BR>I just couldn't break apart my family. There was too much history, too much love too much of everything to lose.<P>My prayers are with you.<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

DLM.<BR> help me understand . Why the lies , even after seperation she still lies . She lies to the kids and they are beging to catch on . I am a relativly honest person and it just ticks me off that she would lie to the kids. Why do they diserve this kind of treatment. If protecting them is her reason I understand but what does that make her out to be when the kids figure it out ? And if this goes to divorce and the kids keep her at arms length because the have lost trust How does she feel then? God why cant people just be honest.

DLM.\<BR>You said that there was to much history, to much love , to much of everything to loose.<BR> At one time did this not bother you to loose? My wife says <BR>whats the big deal about memories, who cares about the material things. All this means alot to me but she crushed me when said that .

a small update .<BR>wife was over to see kids, asked if she could make dinner ?<BR>No Problem I said and away she went . we washed dishes together and sat down to coffee ans som conversation . She said she enjoyed making us dinner , I said she can do it any time that we enjoyed having her do so , especialy the kids after tasting my hamburger helper . <BR>also alot of conversation about all kinds of things . I dont believe any l/b today . How am I doing folks ?<BR>I know it sounds good but you folks have to hear the good with the bad.

Update <BR>Wife stoped in Kids asked her to come home .She said it would be pointless to come home when they will be gone in a couple of years. She then asked me if I think it would be so easey to come back . I said once we decided to try we have some work ahead of us , No it isnt going to be easey.But I said I am willing to talk about it on her terms .She then said that she has hurt so many people in the last 12 weeks that she does not want to hurt anybody else. I said kids would probobly understand it if we would aleast try to come to some kind of agreement to try to straighten things out . She changed the subject and left <BR>. Any opinions? Advice?

Hi Colfax,<P>I would suggest not bringing that conversation back up until she does. She probably isn't ready to talk about it, yet. Move at her pace. When she does initiate the conversation, be the listener,leave her do most of the talking. <P>Sounds like your doing great in plan A. She's on the fence, right where you have a good chance of swaying her!!!<P><BR>Keep up the good PLAN A

I had to lb today.<BR> wife wont let me know what her intended schedual is ,last night she wasnt coming over because she wanted to go out with freinds . tonight she will come over if we dont have plans but let her know so she can make plans if we arent going to be there . It is nice that w/s can go out and party knowing kids are safe . Its great that we can get rid of all that responsibility and let b/s take care of kids and what ever else needs to be done . So I told her I was <BR>uncomfortable with her actions and that im tired of the pain Im going through. The kids and I should feel greatful that we get to see her Bull sh**t . <BR> I have been plan A ing Maybe Plan B should start ?<BR>I got to vent this is crushing me !

God am I having a bad day .<BR>Its been 5 weeks since wife is out of house I got a grip<BR>on things pain and more but I got a grip today its just like it was the day I found out I feel lost, angry, lonely,<BR>this has got to end I cant believe that I cry so much over a women who doesnt seem to care .