This is all way TOO MUCH pain, more than he's worth, at least now! I want to meet someone that will be there for me like I was for him. I want to meet someone that will love me like I loved him. I want someone to hold me, and comfort me, and tell me everything will be OKAY!<P>Why do I want to save a marriage with someone who didn't even have the guts to tell me how he felt all these years, and instead made me look like a fool in front of everyone by constantly being unfaithful behind my back. He doesn't know that I know who he was unfaithful with. He doesn' know that I know his brothers knew he was being unfaithful, but I do. I don't let him know that I know he made a fool out of me for trusting him.<P>Today, I asked him to fill out a form for my son's school. He was filling it out, and said, "what am I filling out?" I said, "all the information." He said, "OK, smart***, what is this information for?" I told him what it was for, and said, "you don't have to talk to me like that." He said, "well, you didn't have to give me a smart*** response." I said, "I wasn't trying to be a smart***. I didn't know what you were asking me." And I stormed out of the house, angrily. <P>I don't deserve to be treated like this. I am not glorifying myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I always tried my very best to please him (aside from the weight thing). Just last year, he was telling everyone I am his rock. Now, I'm nothing to him. I don't even deserve the respect that he would give a stranger.<P>I'm tired of this - completely tired of it. I'm tired of trying to be nice to him, only to be slapped in the face. I'm tired of being faithful to someone who doesn't care. I'm tired of crying over someone who isn't worth my tears.<P>In talking about my baby (5 months old), he said, "(baby) doesn'tlove me." I said, "he loves you, he just doesn't know you very well." He said, "thanks for that." Am I supposed to lie to him, tell him that this child will be as close to him as his other two were that grew up with him there? Of course he won't be as close to him. What does he expect? He abandoned us. If I meet someone else while he is young, that child will think of the new person as his father. Doesn't my husband have the forethought to figure that out?<P>I am sooooo TIRED of all of this! I just want to tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. I want to be the one to say, "It's over - I don't want YOU anymore!"<P>My God, if it wasn't for my kids, I know I would've already done this.<P>Someone better say something worth hearing soon, or I'm going to give in and give up. I am tired of being unhappy. I have been a good and faithful wife for 12 years, always doing my best to fulfill his needs, and I have no doubt of that. I do not deserve to be treated like this. I think the real reason behind all of this is that I am living for God, and he isn't. I think he wants someone who isn't living for God. He's verbalized that a few times.<P>Help me, please!<P>TIG

Hi TIG,<P>I am here. Sending this right now and will edit in a few minutes. ok?<P>I am back. Just wanted you to see that I am posting. Listen hon, is he actually acting like the man you married? Is he very much out of character? <P>If he is out of character, you may be wanting the man you know and love back, that is why you may keep trying. I know how you are feeling. Been there and at times still there. My H does not have those angry outburst he used to have but he did have them when the A was in full swing. <P>You see, you can't do both. You can't put your heart in 2 places any eaiser than sleeping in 2 beds at the same time. <P>I gave that illustration to H. I told him he physically could not sleep in Ow's bed and our bed at the same time so why was he trying? Either go be with OW or be with his family or be someplace else, but whatever he chose it was only one place. You know what he said? WS said, "well I could if they (the beds) were both next to each other." Oh Yuck. <P>Talk about fogese logic. I got angry and said he was sick. Never would I put my bed next to hers. So I said, now really, do you could you actually imagine that? Made him think, ya know? Then WS said, no. He knew he was being stupid. <P>So right now, if you are still looking for your h, the real one and you have this angry, whinny whatever person standing before you that has taken over your H's body, tell your H to go find your real H the one that used to care of all his children and his wife. The one that loved his family and name something nice he used to do to stimulate his memory. Then let him know something like: 'please find my H and bring him back. I would like to give him a big hug and kiss and tell him how much I miss him. His family misses he too.'<P>Well, just an idea. The feelings of desparation sure get strong while the WS is out their acting like a weirdo. You hang in there. Keep your LB's to a minmum. Vent here. You have little ones to care for. Pour your love to them. They will reciprocate. They can be your strength and support during these hard times. Let your H see your love with you and your family. Even though his mind is messed up, he can still see. Don't be too disappointed how he reacts, you have to understand he is not the same person you knew. <P>Funny how the WS can't even do simple functions at this time. Later they tend to have a menory loss. <P>If you need to talk , let me know. I have to go to the doctor this morning but can be available later. my pager #: 408-989-0115<P>I will check this post in about 30 minutes. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 21, 2001).]

TIG,<P>I know how difficult what you are going through is. Sometimes there is very little to say that will help. The only thing I can tell you is that several months ago I felt the VERY same way. I saw no hope and my W basically told me to stop trying and move on with my life. She told me that she didn't love me along with every one of the lines in the script. I am here to tell you that, while we are a very long way from recovery, my W and I are working on things. My W came down to my office yesterday and called OM and asked him to please not call anymore. There was a time when I never thought that would come. Please hang in there a little longer. I think the fact that you are questioning it means you are not ready to give up. I believe if and when that time comes, you will know and not have to question yourself.<BR>S&C

TIG,<BR>Have you given Plan A 6 months? It is difficult to be nice when you don't receive anything in return, to always be a Giver and not get any Taker time. But it is a lesson in unconditional love...I personally never realized that when I did something nice, I expected something back until Plan A.<P>If you have done your 6 months of Plan A, move to Plan B so that you protect what little remains in your lovebank. You sound pretty low at this time.<P>I'm not really familiar with your story, but from this post I see 2 things that you should feel strongly about in doing your part to make it possible to reconcile, if you should get that opportunity. <P>1)You have your kids. You'll be dealing with their father the rest of your life. And though kids aren't the only reason to save a marriage they are a very strong reason, they are the future.<P>2) You have your faith. My H turned away from God during his affair. My faith strengthened immeasureably--and it made him uncomfortable. I know that God hates divorce--even as he loves us if we come to the point of no other choice. Please don't read that as God hates divorced people--that isn't what I'm saying at all. The optimal outcome is that your family stays together, but that depends on your H's choices, and yours, as you reach the end of the rope.<P>Your H likely isn't thinking about the kids, or the kids getting a stepdad. My H always said he left me, not the kids. Well, my then-15 year old set him straight quite painfully that he did LEAVE them all 7 times, and she has no plans to forgive him...ever. He now doesn't know what he was thinking to say something so blockheaded, but I think he believed it at the time. He didn't want to see what he was doing.<P>It took a long time, 2 years with a total of 14 months separations, but my H & I have been back together now over a year. We are doing really well. And, the time of pain, it WAS worth it. It still wasn't good. <P>I was the one to serve the D papers after the 2 years. But I knew at that point that I had done everything I was capable of doing to save the marriage. Then my H had his turnaround, including a restoration of his faith. A couple months later we reconciled this last time.<P>My advice to you:<BR>1) Plan A for at least 6 months.<BR>2) Put your faith in God's plan for your life. You may not get your marriage back, but you aren't adrift.<BR>3) Pray for your H. POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian or PRAYERS THAT AVAILETH MUCH published by Word are very good resources. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Hi Tig,<P>You have some good persons supporting you. I have to run off to the doctor's. Page me if you need but s&C and Lor have given you good info. <P>Take Care.... you will make it.....<P>L. <BR>

Lor,<P>I have unconditionally loved my H ever since I met him. I have never put requirements on my love for him. He can drag me through the dirt until the end of time, and I will continue to love him.<P>I try to Plan A, but he says things that hurt. Most times he's not trying to hurt me, but like just his being so excited about my moving hurts. I resent him for what he's putting me and my children through. We have to live with someone for at least a couple of months. I resent that with all my heart. However, I will do what I have to, and hope the marriage will be restored.<P>Meanwhile, he comes and goes as he pleases, and it's all too much. I haven't plan A'd very good, because I keep letting my anger show. Sometimes when I respond to him, he mistakes my response for sarcastic. I guess it's the way I come across. I don't know how to change that. That's big with him, though, how I come across. I don't know. I know what I'm thinking is sarcastic, and I guess my feelings just show in my expressions, but I don't know how to change that, or how to change the way I feel.<P>Orchid...thanks for the offer to talk, but I really can't afford the cost. Anyway, I would just probably cry the whole time. My H is a different person, completely. He has always been a family man, and now he's not. Oh, he's trying to be both family man, and single, by being there constantly for the kids, but he's basically throwing it in my face that he's not there for me.<P>I will continue to try, but am hurting sooo much!<P>Sadandconfused, thanks for the encouragement. I really helps to know that there are others who have experienced this mess, and that there is hope.<P>Love you all!<BR>TIG<P>

Dear TrustinginGod:<P>I'm sure Orchid will be back after her doctor's visit and give you the benefit of her excellent advise about letting go...she has expressed it so well so many times...but it bears repeating. And I think that's where you are right now...understandable since you have been dealing with this for a long time. If you cannot control your anger and do an effective Plan A then you need to separate yourself from the situation and re-coop a little...until you can.<P>You have a firm belief in God...let him take over...right now you are being your own worse enemy with your LBing...trust that what will happen in the future will be his plan...and get out of the way. We all have a tendency to want to make this all just go away...but it won't...and forcing it won't work either....letting go is the only way to deal with this and retain your sanity.<P>Believe me I tried anger, quilt, repercussions, jealousy....and nothing worked...but letting go and stepping back...because it means to the WS that you are not trying to control them any longer...and they are free to mess up their lives however they want....but you are free to have a life apart from them...uneffected as much as possible by their foggy situation. You don't stop loving them...they know you are there if they need you...but your focus now is your life, your kids and the future...with or without him.<P>I think this withdraws all the negativity they need to feed and maintaining their grand illusion that this is all your fault...its all your behavior that keeps them where they are. Most likely you have been interacting in the marriage in the same way (I know I did) and this will be a real change for both of you.<P>MB principles give you a direction to take that perhaps will lead to a successful outcoming...this board should show you how common and similar these As are and how common the outcome...so have faith...although that's hard...let go a little...take care of yourself and Plan A if you can...and expect the best to happen in the end...that all you can do.<P>Venting helps too...doesn't it. <P><BR>Faye<P>