Here is the short version. If you want the long version, I posted a story in the EN discussion board. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/005714.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/005714.html</A> <P> I didn’t meet my wife’s EN’s at first, by the time I realized it she says it is too late. (I seem to think it is never too late) She says we should have gotten counseling sooner and blames me for not lining up the appointment. I mistakenly thought , “we love each other, things will work themselves out.” We eventually get to counseling (and I start checking out this site, and I slowly start to turn things around. I recognize I am not fulfilling her needs.<P>On a side note, She caught me looking at porn about a year ago, (ie the internet cookies, and history) I’ve seen some of your post about porn, so I know some women have a big problem with it, My W included.<P>Meanwhile she finds someone else to meet her EN’s. We start counseling while she is having an EA with the OM. At the time I do not know about the OM. This friend from work takes up her need for conversation and finds out we are having problems. He starts sending her flowers, cards and presents at work, but this is never brought up in counseling. <P>We separate for a month, and that only makes things worse. I see the phone bill at the house while she is away and see a number of calls to NM. Out of State. I question her about it and she says he is a work friend that helps her a lot.<P>I move back in and we have a serious discussion and she agrees to work on our marriage 100% for a 60 day trial period, and she says she will not talk to the OM she is having an EA with.<P>I am ecstatic, that is all I wanted was a true chance to work on our Marriage. I tell I love her every day and night. I hug every day and night. I do the little things like leave her love notes and email notes. BTW we are sleeping apart. I read His Needs Her Needs and check out this site. I have hope, because I know I am doing the right things to repair our marriage.<P>Meanwhile my W starts to avoid me whenever possible and does not give much of any effort to be loving or kind. I do some snooping and find her Cell phone bill. 285 calls in less than a month to the OM she said she will stop talking to, and she went down to visit him. Cell phone bills tell a lot.<P>I give her a letter about the story of us. (Posted on the EN Board). It’s a story of how we met fell in love and ran into a few problems along the way. But since we are at this juncture, the story ends with My W is not giving me a chance by talking to the OM 10 times a day, and I want her to break it off with the OM.<P>She has just got an apartment and is filing for divorce, She already wants us to sell the house or me to buy her half out. The reason being she said she is doing this that I looked at porn and she can’t get over that. My question is does porn have anything or part to do with this? Or does the OM have all to do with this? Or both?<P> <BR>

Hi Zee,<P> Well, for some women porn is a huge issue. It opens up a whole different can of worms from not meeting your W EN.<P> I have a friend who got caught looking at porn by his wife. She freaked totally out. Came to my house in tears. Honestly believes her husband is having an affair, simply because of the porn he was looking at. She begged and pleaded with me to install spy software on their computer. <P> She felt that if he was going to that kind of site, he MUST be having an A with someone online. I tried to explain what I felt a fairly normal guy gets out of such stuff. Told her there was NO way friend was having an A. All to no avail. Nothing I could say would deter her. <P> So against my better judgement I installed the starr program on her machine for her. Kept the secret from friend. And waited for the worse to happen. IT NEVER DID. Friend did occasionally visit these sites. But there was NEVER any more to it than that. He NEVER chatted/cheated with anyone online.<P> Will that be enough to help repair the damage that has been done? I just do not know.<P> I wish I could help you more with this problem. But I don't know the answer. All I can say is YES, there are women for whom internet porn is a huge LB, maybe even love killer.<P> Hopefully someone else can help you more. In the meantime PLAN A, PLAN A, PLAN A.<P> jd<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 27, 2001).]

To add to jdmac1's suggestion, here is a letter where Harley talks about Plan A:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What are Plan A and Plan B</A><P>To answer your questions? Your wife said she is getting a divorce because you looked at porn and she cannot get over that. Maybe that is just it, plain and simple. Maybe it is a combination of that plus her guilty feelings over her mistakes? Maybe it's that she has been feeling like the marriage was over long before any of these terrible indiscretions happened? Only God knows for sure what everybody is thinking.<P>Maybe you have to stop looking in the rear view mirror for now and just go forward with your Plan A efforts. At least you will be actively doing something positive to correct the problems that you helped create. I think that Plan A is a good step in the right direction for you. You can't try to convince her of anything, it seems her mind is made up, but you can just go for it with Plan A! You have nothing to lose by giving your 100% to save your marriage. It's totally worth it!

Can you guys help me out with some steps on Plan A. Right now I only feel betrayed, and she is lying to me and her friends about the causes of our problems. <P>I feel like calling her mom. (And give my side of the story). Although I think that might worsen things.<P>How can I get on plan A when she is moving out and will be talking to the OM?

Things seemed pretty down all day today until I got home.<P>My W was packing some stuff for her move out. We actually were discussing which stuff she was gonna take and which I was going to keep. We were fair about almost everything. I think she was expecting the worse and we didn't get mad at each other all night.<P>I guess I don't really need any suggestions on Plan A. They just happened. Who would have thought dividing up our belongings and reaching a settlement on the house would be one of the most pleasant conversations we have had in weeks. She even talked about me coming over for dinner at her new apartment.<P>She is moving out Friday and doesn't want me there for the move. I plan on rigging a banner to our garage door with big letters that says "I Love You With All my Heart" So when she opens the garage door the Banner will come up with it. Maybe her last thought of living with me in the house will be a happy one.<P>I found this idea on the creative affection board.