It seems as though no matter what I do it just annoys him. Sometimes he's okay when I tell him that I love him and sometimes he just says things like okay. I know he is confused but refuses to go get any help for our marriage.<BR>Is it guilt because he doesn't like what he's doing to us or our family or is it confusion? Yes I did ask him to leave because we were having problems but I had no idea that there was another person involved in his life. He has been dishonest with me and whenever I confront him about any of these occasions he gets very angry with me. I love my H with all my heart but he doesn't see that right now. He doesn't see how much he is hurting me and our family and thinks I'm the one with the problem because I am so emotional. I don't like feeling this emotional I wish I could be like him and just shut down my emotions. How is it that the WS is the one with all the options because I feel as though I have none. He gets to decide when he wants to spend time with us, when he wants to do or not do something that's his choice. Me on the other hand have 3 children that I need to take care of, a house, worry about finances, got to work and none of that seems to bother him or if it does he doesn't show it. I know I'm just venting here. I need some input from a WS of former WS. I am grasping at anything because I am so lost. Where did my H go? He is not the loving, caring person he use to be. Should I just give up and let go? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. <BR>cybil

Hi Cybil,<P>I know you want a WS response. I can't give you one since I am the BS. So I will just bump this one up for you. OK??<P>Oh, I am opininated on this question but will hold my tongue. How long do you think I can do this? Hm....... <P>L.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cybil:<BR><B>It seems as though no matter what I do it just annoys him. Sometimes he's okay when I tell him that I love him and sometimes he just says things like okay. I know he is confused but refuses to go get any help for our marriage.</B><P>frustrating isnt it! at least your not alone on this my W has refused pre during and post A to seek any assistance for our marriage, some people will never do it. I go myself and it has been substantially helpful for both me and our marriage.<P><B>Is it guilt because he doesn't like what he's doing to us or our family or is it confusion?</B><P>why couldnt it be that hes totally pissed off? there are a million reasons why. try not to concentrate on that. concentrate on how you can get him back in your arms thats what you want isnt it? <P><B>Yes I did ask him to leave because we were having problems but I had no idea that there was another person involved in his life.</B><P>will he move back in? i take it he uses that.<P><B> He has been dishonest with me and whenever I confront him about any of these occasions he gets very angry with me.</B><P>not sure i understand your strategy? trying to get him to like and love you and your busy confronting him? whats more important? getting him home and interested in the marriage or being right about these things what ever they are? <P><B>I love my H with all my heart but he doesn't see that right now.</B><P>i doubt that, but id be willing to bet he is either really pissed about something so pissed he finds justice in his , actions or he is holding on to some long standing neglect to justify it.<P><B>He doesn't see how much he is hurting me and our family and thinks I'm the one with the problem because I am so emotional. I don't like feeling this emotional I wish I could be like him and just shut down my emotions.</B><P>he hasnt shut them down, hes just not sharing them with you, why would that be? can you guess? any chance his truth is painful for you and when he shares it he gets the living tar beat out of him by watching your reactions? does he feel safe to share his feelings? <P><B> How is it that the WS is the one with all the options because I feel as though I have none. He gets to decide when he wants to spend time with us, when he wants to do or not do something that's his choice. Me on the other hand have 3 children that I need to take care of, a house, worry about finances, got to work and none of that seems to bother him or if it does he doesn't show it.</B><P>you have options too, yet your choosing to live with tunnel vision making yourself out the victim and then doing everything you can to be availible at a moments notice for your WS. start living your life as though he isnt a part of it, make him wait, and have commitments make plans without him let him feel his life slip away a little while being the nicest most appealing woman you can be. <P><B>I know I'm just venting here. I need some input from a WS of former WS. I am grasping at anything because I am so lost. Where did my H go? He is not the loving, caring person he use to be. Should I just give up and let go? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. <BR>cybil </B><P>give up? what for? get your life in gear become strong in spite and be beautiful while you do it. he will feel like an a$$ soon enough!<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

Orchid thanks for your reply. Chaz thank you too! Your response always makes me look at things a little differently. Alot of what you say does make sense and when my H does open up to me he says alot of the same things. For instance he tells me that he finds it hard to believe that I love and care for him so much and want to be intimate with him when before he practically begged me for affection and attention so yes he has alot of resentment with that issue. He says he tries to be honest with me and tell me how he feels and I either get mad or get upset and start crying. Yes he is pissed and holds onto the fact that I was the one who acted like I didn't want to be married. Don't really understand what he means by that one. Tonight I ask him if he was confused and he said no definitely not He's just undecided about what he wants. He does not want to come home right now because he likes his space. That infuriates me because to me that's a cop out so he doesn't have to deal with anything. I haven't told him that though. <BR>We had a really good day today. He just left at 11:30pm <BR>I know one day at a time.<BR>cybil

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cybil:<BR><B>It seems as though no matter what I do it just annoys him. <BR>...Is it guilt because he doesn't like what he's doing to us or our family or is it confusion?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>People often focus on "I did/said this, my spouse did/said that, how do we resolve this...". What they miss is that the issue isn't really resolving questions, talking through things, etc. The key issue is "What is your balance in your spouse's love bank?". If your spouse is in love with you then you can resolve any disagreement. If not, you can't no matter how hard you try.<P>In addition, if someone is in an affair they will feel the need to justify it. In order to feel justified, your spouse must cast you in the role of villain. He can't be in the wrong, so you must be horrible, therefore he is justified.<P>The answer doesn't lie in figuring out what to do to not annoy him, but rather to meet any ENs that you can, avoid LBs, and hope that the affair (still ongoing?) ends sooner rather than later.<P>If your balance in his love bank rises high enough he'll stop being annoyed at the same things he was annoyed at before. You have read the concepts, right?<P>Hope this helps some.<P>BTW, I'm a BS, not a WS. However, I sure know what it's like to be irritated at any thing my W does, when her balance in my love bank falls low enough.<P>Steve<BR>