Hi all!<P>Those of you who have been following my posts know that I have been contimplating filing for D. I'm just frustrated at the stalemate we are in. W denies EA and denies continued contact with OM (thinks an A is only an A if it is physical, and for all I know her's may be), won't work on marriage and hasn't filed for D although that's what she says she wants.<P>Steve said not to file myself. He advised I talk to a lawyer and I have an appointment on Monday. He said in Illinois, you have to be separated 1 yr befoe a judge will grant a contested D. I need to find out if the way we've been living constitutes being separated (no sex for 10 months, sleeping separately for 2 months, but still eating together, sharing household duties, sharing paychecks and bills, etc.). If we don't meet the requirements for "in house" separation, we would have to be living separately for a year if my W files, before a D would be granted.<P>Steve suggested I look into a legal separation, even if that means I move out. Doing it "legally" protects me. It would give both of us a glimpse of being divorced (i.e. financial strain, emotional strain, visitation issues, the affect on our daughter). He said this is very unfair to me and may seem like a win-win situation for my W (no accountability to me, freedom to pursue OM, etc.), but he believes this is necessary. It will allow me to remove myself from a painful situation, give my W the chance to see if "the grass is greener..." and make her see what life is like without me. After a year if she still wants a D, then it was meant to be. In the end, if we divorce, I'll have to face all this anyways. But he feels at this point this is the only chance we've got. Continuing to live like we are will only make me more resentful and her view of our marriage isn't likely to change without taking this step. Sounds like solid advice, although terribly unfair to me, but nothing about this whole ordeal has been fair. At least I won't be sitting aroud waitng for her to make a decision on my life. I'll be moving forward one way or another.<P>Opinions please! <P>sad dad <P>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited September 08, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited September 08, 2001).]

Hi Sad Dad, I agree with what you say, I am in the same poisiton right now, New York also has the same law about seperation and Divorce. I feel a legal seperation if both spouse feel necessary is good for a year and then D if it is meant to be. My WH wants a legal seperation but has not filed yet, and has not left yet why I don't know. I also was told not to file to let him file, I cannot take living like this anymore. I personally think you are making the right decision,Living together in that atomsphere is not going to make things better I know that. let her have a real good taste of living away from you and the financial burden etc.. Someone once said to me it has to get worse before it can get better, So hang in there, We will get through. Hugs and prayers Sally

Hi SD- 10 months???? I went 7 and it was really really hard emotionally to live like that in the same house! By all means do whatever is necessary to make yourself feel better at this point. Maybe a separation will be the wakeup call your W needs. What do you think her reaction will be to the separation papers? Do you think she will be more honest with you when you take some legal action? lifeismessy

sally,<P>Thanks for the encouragement!<P>lim,<P>I don't know what her reaction will be. She'll probably say no, let's just get divorced. I don't think she will ever tell me the truth. Probably just me being cynical!<P>sad dad

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sad dad:<BR>[B]Hi all!<P>W denies EA and denies continued contact with OM (thinks an A is only an A if it is physical, and for all I know her's may be), won't work on marriage and hasn't filed for D although that's what she says she wants.<P>Sad Dad- Your above statement summarizes my exact situation. We have been separated by the pacific ocean for 2 months now, and I had been plan B'ing, but I have now decided to move on with my life and leave her behind. I am sure you are here because you want to save your marriage, but I agree with Dr. Harley that you should pursue the legal separation and move out to give her a taste of divorce. Before our separation, my WS was getting her ENs fulfilled by both me and OM for about 2 wks before semi d-day. I don't know for sure if it is a PA or an EA, but I know it is one. During the two weeks before our separation, I wrote her letters, called her, did everything I could in Plan A mode, and nothing worked and she said I appeared 'clingy and needy' and that she hated that. But, whenever I mentioned filing, she asked 'why do I keep pushing?'. I then ask myself 'What does that mean when she is the one who wants the divorce?' During the past 2 mos, I initiated no contact at all, at the most responded to her emails with one-liners and only if I absolutely had to. Now she wonders why I have stopped contacting her, and she is beginning to find all sorts of unnecessary reasons to contact me either by email or by phone. She has still not been honest with herself or with me, so I am continuing the no contact plan. I believe you will need to maintain plan A for awhile unlike me, but the main thing you need to know is that down deep she does care and if not she would have left and filed, so keep that in mind. Maybe the legal separation is what she needs as a wake up call to see that divorce will not solve her problems. In the meantime, take care of yourself and remember that you do not 'need' her to survive. You want her, and you will continue to plan A to allow your marriage to survive. Take care of yourself sad dad and hang in there. Be patient and things will work themselves out.<P>Inde<BR>

indecision,<P>You are right, I don't need her. I will be fine without her, my concern is for my daughter. I'm hoping that a separation will help her see what she stands to lose, but even if it doesn't, I'll be moving on with my life, with or without her. It's time to look out for me.<P>sad dad

Good for you sad dad. Remember that it will continue to be a roller-coaster for awhile, so please keep posting so we can provide support.<P>Inde

Thanks for all your responses. Hope to hear more.<P>sad dad

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I'm glad you talked to Steve. Sounds good to me. Separation.... don't file.... <P>then, what? Plan A or PLan B? you didn't mention that. <P>Yes, I think you will feel better in separation, actually. If you decide to Plan A, it is easier for you because you are removed from some of the pain. And you will feel like you are moving on with your life and independence.

Faith1,<P>Plan A for as long as I can. I don't know if plan B is feasible with a young child. If she were older, it would be different. <P>sad dad

OK, sad, I think I'm pretty much aware of your situation, but there's one thing I can't remember. What evidence do you have of the affair?<P>The reason I ask is that we can certainly all agree that she should be the one moving out, not you. Thus, even with her denial - and I'm very familiar with that as well - if you have good evidence you're saving, maybe now's the time to use it to show what you know and ask HER to move out.<P>I might go so far as to state that - even against Steve's advice - if you're ready to end it, YOU file on the grounds of adultery - if you have evidence - and I think the one year requirement may not apply (it doesn't in Maryland). Even though the BS should never be the one to file, IMHO, I think this is preferrable to you vacating your house.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>I don't have proof of adultery, but definate proof of an EA. Probably useless in court.<P>Please read my post to "K", it gives details of my meeting with my lawyer and K's advice.<P>I'm in a tough situation. It appears filing is my only choice that won't hurt my chances of custody. It may give her exactly what she wants, but it may shake her out of the "fog". Tough call and very risky. <P>On another note, my W was out shopping and called me because she saw a vacuum cleaner on sale. She said our vacuum cleaner sucked (please excuse the pun). I told her to buy<BR>it if she liked it. I just thought it was odd that she was going to spend $200 on something for the house when she wants out of the marriage. The "fog" keeps rolling! <P>sad dad <p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited September 10, 2001).]

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