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#3001516 12/03/17 03:41 PM
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Hello!
I have been reviewing this website for a while. My husband and I have two little kids, 2.5 year old and 1 month old (today). 15 days ago my husband threw table tops from the deck and said he was moving out. He got angry when I asked him to pick up after himself. My mother was visiting for a month and he was not happy with the quality of her help. He complained and called her a burden. she is 71 and doesn't speak English. I stood up for her but it was just pushing his buttons. Because we have kids I don't want divorce. He says almost every day that he hates me, I give him a headache and I ruined the marriage. I am a meek person most of the time but every now and then I cry mostly because his words are cruel. He always interrupts when I talk and I can't express when I am angry (even if it is done respectfully). I am also not allowed to touch him. He never liked touch. He gets sexual fulfillment thru porn only. We had sex 2 this year, I got pregnant the first time. In June I went to the police after an argument resulted in physical altercation. I was pregnant at the time. I touched his face and said - honey we don't have to be like this, trying to get his attention. He got mad and hit my hands and face. The police arrested him for a few hours. He attends an anger mgmt class but says it is me who has anger problem. He says he can't ever forgive me calling the cops. He says he will never let go of resentment. In 2016 he added Xanax to my food (I didn't know and was nursing the older child at the time). I didn't report it because I didn't want his career ruined. I still love him and want nothing more than to be loved and respected by him. When he is frustrated he expresses it freely and in ways that are hurtful to me but I am now allowed to complain about it. In 2016 in the spring I had a mental breakdown. He would say very mean things to me after we had a child - walk away when I talked "because you are boring", don't give me any affection, called me names. I begged him for a hug that day and he would laugh and shove me across the room. In despair I took a knife and hurt my stomach. I didn't hurt him. He called the police they took me for a psychiatric assessment and released a few hours later. i saw a doctor After that and was diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency from chronic stress. We attended a Retrouville weekend (to save marriage) but we're never able to achieve closeness. He wants a divorce and says I was the biggest mistake. I am desperately wanting to save the family but also worry about the girls watching his treatment of me and learning that this is okay. What to do? He also started spreading lies about my spending habits and mental health. I hardly spend anything as I am.on maternity leave - he just started looking into buying expensive art. Also his behavior changes when he is at work - he sends loving emails . But at home he tends to be very mean. I suffer from insomnia but am not mentally ill, I have a responsible job and lots of friends. My self esteem has been lower and lower because of name calling. He says my low self esteem is why the marriage doesn't work. He works at a jail and says I am as crazy as his inmates. Please advise. I don't want to break a family apart. I was raised Catholic and I am committed to make things work. Thank you for reading.


Evie
Evvie123 #3001517 12/03/17 03:45 PM
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So sorry you are in this situation.

Have you read this?
My Spouse Hit Me. Now What?

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And this:
The Scourge of Pornography

Does he guard his phone and do you have access to his computer?

Last edited by goody2shoes; 12/03/17 03:55 PM.
Evvie123 #3001521 12/03/17 05:01 PM
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I know you want it to work sweetheart. We all do. But sometimes it just can't. It doesn't sound like you are even safe around him. If at all possible, is there somewhere you can go? You said your mother doesn't speak the language, are you well integrated into the U.S. or are you from somewhere else? If there is any help you can get please seek it. I'm having to do the same thing myself right now. I worked through physically abusing myself, a period of time on alcohol when things would be horrible so I could just numb up (but it doesn't help, it was just running away from the truth). And now what I'm facing is almost as scary as staying with someone abusive. But I've finally learned to respect myself and realize I had to let go of what I he wanted all my life. Now I have to pinpoint my exact goal & route and praying for guidance, learn to build the life God would have me live. One close to him and safe, happy, and at peace. Please, if you can get away from him do it - he doesn't sound safe at all & he could start turning on your children as well if he thought it would hurt you badly enough. Seek friends for hugs & to help you grieve through the whole process, but please, be safe.
RMW

Evvie123 #3001526 12/03/17 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Evvie123
What to do?

You need to leave him immediately and visit a lawyer so you and your children can get possession of your home and legal protection. He is destroying your mental health and may eventually kill you if you don't get out. Your husband is not a safe person and you are not safe as long as you are with him. All direct contact with him should be ended immediately. You should never consider living with him until he has a) completed at least a year of anger management and b) has demonstrated a year of healthy behavior.

You are not safe, my friend. Make plans to leave immediately.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Evvie123 #3001532 12/03/17 10:18 PM
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RUN, don't walk, as fast as you can away from him and don't go back.

Last edited by truthmatters; 12/03/17 10:19 PM.
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You are right to be concerned about what the children see and you should take them to safety. If you're not careful they'll witness your murder.

You don't have a partner and husband here. He is a burden and you'll be a better parent without his dead weight and negativity dragging you down.

Last edited by indiegirl; 12/05/17 07:52 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.


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