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#3003134 03/10/18 01:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
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D-day was 10 years ago. I'm not sure that we've recovered as much as we've persevered. In retrospect, the one thing I failed to do that I should have is tell my W to leave the house that day. I should have let her back only after she demonstrated to me that she wanted me back. I didn't do that and have lived with doubt about her feelings for me ever since.

For several years now, my W has not demonstrated any affection or interest in me that would suggest she sees our relationship as more than platonic. This is not to say we don't engage in SA. We do, but only if initiated by me and then only a fraction of the time when she allows it. She is generally passive during the act though she seems to enjoy it. It seems obligatory to me.

This prolonged period of receiving no attention or interest is growing more difficult for me to manage. I have a busy life professionally and personally, with many hobbies and interests, working out, etc and all of those served as distractions for awhile.

My W describes herself as "not a talker" and from time to time I've sent notes to her to let her know that I need to feel that she wants me, that I'm more than a "good dad" and the family's provider. Most recently, I wrote a fairly explicit note asking about what we could do in the bedroom that would be of interest to her. She did not reply.

I also asked her not long ago, "what do you do to let me know that you want to have sex?". She said. "I guess I don't." And that was the end of the conversation.

Anyway, what brings me here today is that, out of the blue, I heard from my high school girlfriend - who I have not seen in >25 years - letting me know that she would be in my neighborhood, at a specific venue, and maybe I could stop by. I didn't reply to her nor have I told my W about this.

Problem is that I can't stop thinking about my high school girlfriend who was (then) extremely sexual and who clearly must have feelings for me. I know were I to reach out to her she would provide exactly what my W does not.

Any suggestions as to how to discuss this with my W? I don't want to keep it from her but I don't want her to interpret this as a threat from me, i.e. that if my W won't give me attention and affection I'll go elsewhere. I haven't done that in our many years of marriage and don't intend to now.

One last thing. Shortly after d-day, I told my youngest DS about my W's A because the OP was my son's coach and I felt that my DS deserved to know. My W was furious at me for this and I suspect remains so to this day, though it is never discussed.

Thanks in advance.


BH (me) - 53
WW - 54
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Oh boy, I hardly know where to start. You are surely in the right place, though. I can see from your register date that you weren't taught to use this program when you were here 12 years ago. [none of us were] The program would have created romantic love in your marriage and helped your wife feel sexual desire for you. But... no one told you that 12 years ago. Better late than never!

Those of us who used the program are in love because our emotional needs are met. We have learned to become masters at meeting each others emotional needs. It really does work. And the longer you use the program, the better you get at it.

The reason your wife doesn't want to have sex with you is because she is not in love. Women need 2 things to feel sexual desire: an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. You and your wife are likely NOT doing anything to create romantic love in your marriage so she has developed an aversion. Instead of reversing this aversion, you have made it much worse by nagging and guilting her into having sex with you. It is not effective at all. You might get sex occasionally [out of guilt] but it won't ever serve to create desire.

The way to create desire is for her to fall in love again. The way to create romantic love is to spend 15+ hours per week out on romantic dates meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment, while eliminating any lovebusters. If you did this diligently for several weeks, she would fall in love again and would desire you sexually.

My suggestion is to go to her NOW and tell her about this woman and your feelings for her. Take steps to shut off all opposite sex friendships because you are very vulnerable right now. Having an affair will be the mistake of your life. It is also a stupid strategy becasue your kids will hate you and you will wreck your marriage. Better to get what you need from your WIFE.

Ask your wife if she will participate in this program to fall in love again. Tell her you now understand WHY she doesn't desire sex with you and will stop nagging her about it. Rather, you will work with her to find ways that she sincerely DESIRES sex.

Start by reading this and then print it up and show to your wife: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

And this: How to Overcome Sexual Aversion


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by vintageoatmeal
Most recently, I wrote a fairly explicit note asking about what we could do in the bedroom that would be of interest to her. She did not reply.
.


That is because it is not the ACT that is the issue, but the emotional attachment. Your approach is wrong. Fix the marriage and the sex problems will disappear.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"First I fix the relationship, and nine times out of ten, sexual problems disappear, with or without unresolved childhood experiences. I spend very little time fixing sexual problems these days because most couples I counsel don't have sexual problems after they have learned to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. "
here



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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