Hello I am new here and would like some object help on my situation.

First, my marriage is very difficult. My spouse is very narcissistic and have we no forward/healthy/growth motion. We have numerous, significant issues that we have do not come together on and no willingness to move forward specifically from my husband. I have completely stopped trying to resolve/be close/help our marriage, because it is too hurtful for me. I do my best to forgive, be kind, reasonable, work together, but I have a wall up that allows me to have a place to be healthy and myself without his intrusion into who I am. We have 3 kids 7,5,2. My heart a desire is to be in a healthy relationship together, but that's takes two of us. I am most likely going to separate in the future once I have a job..I stay at home currently and encourage changes.

Knowing my marital situation will help you all see where I'm at in this crush. I have tried so many way to let go of this and it just will not go. He is married to my sister in law. They live 5 min away so I end up seeing him more often than is good. They have kids and the cousins adore each other. He is many things my husband is weak in and reminds me of my brother and my family. At times I have talked with him alone nothing deep. He's friendly/teasing/helpful/funny/kind. My husband and I have little closeness emotionally and this guy asks questions that's my husband doesn't ask. My sister in law is super sweet and we are good friends. I have not gotten together with her as much bc she tells me everything about him and it is super hard for me. I have held myself back and kept things short and tried to see him less. Then he tells a joke or asks questions or is fun to be around and it all comes back. I haven't crossed boundaries except being alone with him due to a situation but haven't sought it out. I've told friends and asked them to pray. Wisdom and help please!

Hello Mthothel, welcome to Marriage Builders. There are a couple of issues here, but the biggest problem is your inappropriate relationship with this woman's husband. Just the fact that you have inappropriate feelings for a married man indicates you have very loose boundaries that is likely to lead to an affair. You allowed him to meet your needs and have developed feelings for him. If you have an affair with your sister in law's husband, you will ruin your life beyond anything you can imagine. You need to get away and get away fast.

An affair would be the biggest mistake of your life. Your kids will hate you, the SIL will hate you, her kids will hate you. It will never be forgotten. <---This is where your inappropriate feelings are leading you.

As far as your marriage, of course it is difficult when you are in love with another man. Of course you have no willingness to create a great marriage when you have the hots for someone else's man. Don't be a crumb snatcher at some other woman's table. Build your own marriage with your own man. Get out of there before it is too late.

As long as you are hanging around this married man, your marriage has no chance because of the contrast effect of your little fantasy. Get away FIRST and we can teach you to how to create a romantic, APPROPRIATE relationship.

P.S. the best thing you can do is tell your husband TODAY you have inappropriate feelings for this man and make a commitment to stay away. Your husband can help hold you accountable.

This feels a bit harsh.

I'm reluctant to reply or share anything else, because this feels like it's full of shame and blame.

Think about it... if you present this program to him as you�re all perfect and he�s a mess... why would he be interested?

But if you come at him honestly... we didn�t know how to create a strong bond of care and protect it... I feel myself pulled toward this guy who makes my SiL happy... but I want that with you, where we make each other the most happy...and protect that together.... now you have something to present to him that he can see the benefit too. Right now he is detached from you and doesn�t feel any pull inside to make you happy.

We urge you to stop seeing SiL�s husband right now because we have seen so many times folks take things too far and destroy their family. I�m here because I made bad decisions and want support in making better ones. I encourage you to listen to the radio program and hear the love the Harleys have for each other. We want to give you the best shot at creating that with your husband.

Believe me, where you are headed is very, very "harsh." This is how affairs begin. If that happens it will be more than harsh to your husband, your SIL and all your affected children. You need to wake up, Madam.

You feel shame because you KNOW what you are doing is wrong.

Harsh solutions work.

Soft solutions like 'Im not seeking it out!' don't work. Telling your husband will.

You need to tell your husband (without insulting words like narcissist) that you are so miserably unhappy that a separation is imminent. Just deliver that message simply. You also need to tell him about your feelings for this man and ask for his help avoiding this mistake.

You have not been honest with him. You've avoided conflict to the extent that he thinks your complaints are minor, not marriage ending. Put the message bleakly and insist that you get your needs met.

Separation from a bad marriage is good. It's the same thing as standing up for good marriages. You can't say the same about adultery.

Adultery. Not a crush.

At the very, very least you need to stop hanging out and abusing the friendship of this couple because your needs are unmet.

As someone who was in your SiLs shoes, I understood the OW had unmet needs and was miserably unhappy (she was a best friend and a widow). I would not not have judged her for developing feelings IF she had pulled hard on the brakes and put my marriage ahead of her unhappiness. Instead, she trashed my life. It did not work out for her because she was just unhappy, it was never anything real.

Please get help. Warn your friend you are not her friend.

Oh, and I wouldn't shoo away Melody Lane. Look at her number of posts. While you've spent years nibbling at the affection crumbs which fall from another table and snapping at the heels of someone else's happy marriage, she's repaired her own and many, many other people's.

You're at a crossroads. After seven years! Take the right path since its taken you long enough.


We see this every day. It doesn't end well. You deserve your own happiness.

Full article here:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

I see - so he's got no boundaries around women. It's good for you to see that now!

Welcome, MtotheL. You won't find a group of people anywhere who care more about helping you and your marriage than the MB forum. You already have our veterans helping you, please listen to them, they have many years of experience helping thousands of people with the same issues you face.

You probably don't realize it, but you are essentially standing at the edge of a dangerous cliff. One wrong step and your world (and the world of all of your loved ones) will be shattered. Our MB veterans have seen your situation countless times, and they are trying to safely talk you off the cliff.

Some points our vets have made to you already and which struck me when reading your initial post:

* You are experiencing "the contrast effect". I'm sure you have real problems in your marriage (like most do), but your husbands real flaws are being magnified out of proportion because he is being contrasted to your SiL's husband.
* Because you have developed feelings (inappropriate feelings) for your SiL's husband, he seems wonderful in comparison to your own husband. That's just fantasy, not reality. This other man also has very REAL flaws, you just don't see them because you don't live the day-to-day drudgery like you do with your H. You would also ignore any flaws because of the feelings you have developed for him.
* Your H is very unlikely to realize the seriousness of the problems in your M, so don't assume he doesn't care. If you're a conflict avoider and you never mention it to him, he won't magically become aware of your feelings. Dr. Harley has a great article about this: Why Women Leave Men
* Even if you had the perfect husband and he met all your ENs (emotional needs), and you had a wonderful marriage...you would be at risk for having an affair because you don't have good boundaries around the opposite sex. (i.e. you let other men meet your ENs) The biggest risk to you and your M are opposite sex friends. Please read Dr. Harley's article: Are "friends" a threat to your marriage?

You are VERY close to making the most serious mistake of your life, which will have repercussions to you, your husband, your kids, your family, your friends for years, decades even. We have many FWS (formerly wayward spouses) and BS (betrayed spouses) here, and they can all see where you are headed. The warning signs of an affair (or something heading for an affair) are incredibly consistent and predictable. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. We know the tragedy that is going to unfold unless we can get the train (i.e. you) to change tracks.

But even if you HAVE started an affair with this other man, all is not lost. Dr. Harley's plan for surviving an affair can not only repair your marriage, you can have the most romantic and passionate marriage than you ever imagined possible. This forum has countless examples of marriages that have recovered infidelity, and now have happy and fulfilling marriages.

I'll leave you with three comments/suggestions:

* The ideal scenario is that you would be truly in love with the father of your children. Even if you divorced, fell in love and married again, another man would never be the father of your children. The ideal scenario is best for your children, and ultimately for your own happiness. (I didn't come up with this, Steve Harley explained the "ideal scenario" to me.)
* Please watch Dr. Harley's video Infidelity: What Every Couple Should Know. It's only 30 minutes long, and will help you understand what you are facing, the damage an A would have, and how to recover your M.
* Please listen to the vets on the MB forum, especially MelodyLane. They have helped thousands of couples in the same position you are, using Dr. Harley's Marriage Builder program and principles. This forum is tailor-made for you, you won't find a better place to help you anywhere.

I was thinking exact same.

Sounds like someone enjoys being the flavour of the month.

Ok thanks for all the input. I know you all are speaking from concern and I do appreciate your comments.

Thankfully I am not seeing him, emailing or any other contact. After setting boundaries, it's only family get togethers. He borrows tools from us at times and I have stayed outside until he's gone. I just can't shake the feelings. With crushes before, I cut off all contact but with the family connection, this has been different. I agree he can have better boundaries as well.

On my marriage, we've been together for 11 years. I have tried everything counseling for us and me. Every marriage book I can find. Doing everything I can think of. Talking/meeting his needs/giving him space. I have told him my frustration level, my desire to work things out, that I am really struggling in our marriage, that im close to needing serious time away like a therapeutic separation. His response has been that our marriage problems fully come from my struggle with anxiety/depression, that he's ok with how everything is right now, that he won't work with me on it. I have stopped trying only because there was no response from him..only responses that hurt me further. It is too painful for me to keep trying at this point. He has been abusive at times and I have a lot of anxiety around him when he gets upset.

The reason I haven't told him is because he's unpredictable, gets really angry, and is insecure. I have told him I struggle emotionally because I feel starved in our marriage. Also that I have a hard time when men show me attention and are kind while I feel starved. He didn't really respond.

I have a couple friends I have told about this who are solid and I need to ask them to hold me accountable more regularly.

Mtoher, we sympathize with you but I would point out the one thing you haven't tried is the one that actually works, the Marriage Builders program. It is completely different from "counseling" or marriage books. The difference is that this program has a step by step plan that creates romantic love in your marriage. I can understand why you have anxiety and depression if you have a bad marriage. But we can fix that. When women are depressed it is typically due to a bad marriage.

If he is abusive, we would recommend that you separate from him because you can''t fix a marriage with a person who is abusive until and unless they get their anger under control.

But the first step is honesty. You need to be honest with him about your unhappiness and most especially your feelings for your BIL.

Can you give me an example of how he has been abusive in the past?

If you have poor boundaries around men, it won't matter how well your needs are met. Your H could meet your needs perfectly and you will still be at risk. As long as you are open to attention from other men, you will always be at high risk of an affair.

Since you know you have this vulnerability, you should take special precaution to protect your self. You shouldn't see your BIL at all under these circumstances and that can't happen unless you are honest. Your H and your SIL need to know this because this problem can't be fixed if they don't know. You and your BIL both have poor boundaries and your spouses should know this.

Yes some examples are clapping at the kids when they aren't listening/yelling at them/spanking 1-5x when they are already really upset until they do when he tells them to do. Towards me are treating me like a child, not giving me input on the budget and requiring me to go by it, putting me down when I disagree or don't do what he wants. He doesn't take no as an answer from...raging, refuses to go to where we planned until I agree to what he wants, puts his hand in my face when he wants me to stop talking..yells, name calling, belittling.

Physical has happened as well. It's about 1-2x a year. No serious injuries.

In that case, you need to plan to separate for at least a year after he has resolved his anger issues. You can't possibly resolve any problems with him like this, you are not safe. Have you ever called the police when he did this?

Have you read this? What to do with an Angry Husband?

So this is the issue. Everything else is you trying to distract yourself from a scary problem.

Are you saving up because it would be physically unsafe to leave? Because depression is no joke. This marriage is making you unwell. Even without him lifting a finger.

Go see a lawyer today about financial support during a separation. If you were to tell people about the physical abuse would they be able to support you in safely kicking him out?

I agree that you can't be radically honest with a physically unsafe person, but he's going to stumble on one of your secrets, even if its just how much you spent somewhere.

I think you need to put all energies into waking up to this problem.

Violence + contempt =super worrying =escape plan needed yesterday.

Depression is a serious injury. Being in a higher risk of murder category is serious. Violence a couple of times a year so you'd be too scared to leave is serious. Not leaving a lazy spouse because he threatens you is serious.

I haven't called the police.

I don't have support from my extended family. My sister dad and mom think I should stay as does my closest friend growing up. I have two friends who would support and the counselor I have seen. This has been part of the issue of separating...I will likely be ostracized. Counseling at our church has also discouraged this as well. The attitude in these Christian circles is that some
physical abuse is ok and he's not really abusive bc it doesn't happen often.

I have realized that I still have a desire to save our marriage and don't want to give up. I think separating soon would leave me with the desire to not divorce and give him time.

I am on antidepressants and they have helped a lot. I was suicidal previously before the med.

All our money is together. I don't have an income. That is something I need to work on. I have about $500 total.

My plan currently is to go to a new counselor and tell him
I am ready to separate and let that conversation happen with the counselor there.

I'll look through the thread on angry husbands. Thanks

So I'm seeing a very intelligent woman here who recognises the value of a plan. Is this easier now you have the ADs? It's smart to gather a 'Team You' , friends etc and I hope you will see this place an extra resource for you too.

However I have some concerns..



So you need to cut away from these people because they enable your abuse. I don't know if this is your entire town or area? If so you'd have to physically move yourself away. Is this possible or can you cut people off without moving?

You have a pushy BiL who is actively pursuing you since you stepped back, under the nose of a dangerous controlling husband , a community which thinks smacking you around is warranted, ....

You need to cut ties with all of the above for your safety asap.



Planning smart again. But actually I think the rush is more due to safety concerns.

Dr H has seen some violent men show genuine remorse due to a separation but your husband has an entire community enabling him. That's a pretty bleak prospect of remorse.

You could join a new community or church and he could be encouraged to follow in time ...but right now this is a safety first focus.

In any case you need a new community. Very quickly.

You need:
1) Finances.
-see a lawyer about garnishing his wages/kicking him out
- sell stuff. Jewellery, your engagement ring, anything
- move cash from joint accounts into your name.
- contact a shelter. They can put you in touch with pro bono lawyers and even jobs
2)Legal advice - URGENT
- Try to see someone specialising in domestic abuse,
- They will want to know if you've ever called the police and will tell you what you need to do to to get ducks in a row before you make a move.
- Consider what evidence you have, Drs visits emails, texts, journals.
3) Interim safety plan.
- Be mentally prepared to leave or call the place if he has an angry outburst.
- keep irreplaceable papers and passports somewhere safe and accessible , or photocopies of them. Cash too.
- Consider where you would go if you left in a hurry.

This article may help:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067a_qa.html