You can't afford to do this. Disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, selfish demands....it undoes weeks of needs meeting.

I have been waiting for this because you dont seem to respect the fact it can take months and instead think 'any day now' and get frustrated when it's not today. You don't expect her to be in cake eating mode and are surprised when she tries to keep things dramatic and unstable. If you think you're at your limit with plan A you have to be honest about that.

Its important that if/when you go into plan B, she remembers the stellar Plan A experience you were giving her. That she has something to miss. If you were to do that now she would just remember a fight where you didn't get your own way.

You're right....I'm far too impatient with this whole thing. I reread everything In this thread and some other successful ones and am reevaluating myself.
I see that even small issues are resulting in big love busters and that needs to change. I am also realizing that this is going to be a little more one sided with me not really getting much from her.
Should I reach out to her while she's away? Should I still make plans to go see her? Since she's getting mad when I don't want to talk about the relationship when should we have that talk?

I think you need to take a break and seriously evaluate your frustration levels.

Get out of the fever cabin and do something for yourself.


Relationship talks are completely futile before she leaves the job and goes N/C with the OM. It's like having a discussion about sobriety with a drunk. You have to just repeat 'when you're sober' or 'uh huh' or just leave the house.

It's absolutely fine if SHE gets mad; as long as you don't. Of course, that is hard to withstand which is why Plan A has an expiration date.

Cyk, when the discussion of your relationship comes up, I would be a broken record and say: I need for you to leave that job and end all contact with the OM. Otherwise this will lead to divorce. Don't fight with her and don't try to reason with her, just be a broken record.

This is a common difficulty for husbands in Marriage Builders. We expect to see some sort of gradual improvement and there's not any. Even when the wife is not a cake eating wayward, the change is not gradual - there's a sudden avalanche of change when passing the romantic love threshold in your account in her love bank, so sudden and unexpected it surprises the wife herself. No leadup to it whatsoever. And when contact with an affair partner is still going on, there's not going to be any change until the affair dies, so your job is to hasten the end of the affair and be the best husband you can be with Plan A so that she chooses you when she detoxifies from her addiction and her brain comes back.

After two weeks it's probably best for an update. I did reach out to WW while she was at the beach just to say hi and she invited me to come. I took her out that night and spent the next day on the boardwalk shopping and lounged on the beach all day (two things she loves)
We stayed on the beach till it started to get dark. As we were packing up she went to the water I followed after a few minutes where she stood crying asked me for a moment to herself and was there another 10 minutes. It was a quiet rest of the night and we drove home separately.
The next week was all good we spent time together and even went out the following weekend and had a great time together she did brake down that night and cried to me about how sorry she was sorry about everything and how wrong she was and she doesn't want to loose me.
Things were good for a couple days we talked one night we both got home late and she said she was happy with how things were with us but something still isn't right, she was missing me most days now but when we would see each other she just doesn't feel any desire for physical affection. She told me she still had stuff to workout and she wasn't sure want she wants but since I've stayed this long she's not worried about loosing me since I'll wait for her. Um what? This comment has been nagging me for the last couple days.
We spent the last three days together. I moved my schedule around to better fit her and got 2 days off to spend with each other. Yesterday was good but as we were laying on the couch yesterday playing with our dogs she put her legs over mine and I started rubbing her foot, she snapped at me that she needs me to not touch her. I'm still monitoring to see if there is any contact with OM but haven't seen anything since beginning of June. Since coming back from the beach she's been sleeping in the master bedroom with me again. I'm trying to not LB and after yesterday I don't want to slip backwards I want to make sure my impatience is in check. I am curious if this is all good progress or not. I know it's been evident that I'm impatient and had been getting frustrated by the seemingly one sided efforts on my part.

Ah the lady protests too much. I talk all the time about the stuff I'm NOT worried about, dont you?

To me it all sounds good. Like she's still clearly very foggy but the Plan A is clearly going well and has her thinking. Snapping at the BH for an incidental touch is very typical too.

Pep used to say something in her notable 'Be Still' post about how the wayward persona was built up bit by bit like a house and it takes time to come down.

I'll dig it out

Cyk, it sounds like things are going good. Just guessing, I would wager there is trouble in her affair. I would reiterate the point that this will lead to divorce unless she quits that job and commits to no contact. Let her know you won't be waiting forever.

Does she have a sexual aversion? What do you think triggered her reaction when you touched her?

found it! it was by a poster named Arkie, not Pep:

Indiegirl-thanks for finding that. Sound advice for sure!


From what she's said/what I've seen and what she told me last night no contact has been made since beginning of June. I know not a lot of time. No sexual aversion at least there never was any. She had always been a very sexual person which had caused an issue only a few times in our 10 years together. I had always made it a point to not spend anytime with women while she kept male friends.

She called me last night and we talked while we drove home I got in the door and she was upset as she had been thinking about things all day and is still very angry with exposure. She's not sure where she's at or what she wants. She's not sure if our issues we had leading up to this can be fixed. She started to talk about the affair but wasn't ready to share details. She asked other than her leaving her job where do we start and how do we fix it.
I told her I wasn't ready to discuss the affair or relationship until she wrote a letter and ended it completely. We basically rehashed the same discussion.
It ended with her telling me I just need to accept where she's at and wait till she figures out what she wants. I did get angry but ended it before I said anything and went to bed.

oh wow!!! she is really thinking it over. You are headed in the right direction.

I don't understand this statement:
Doesn't she work at the same place? How could there be no contact?

They work for the same company but different locations.
Glad you think it's headed in the right direction it doesnt seem like it at times especially when I hit her with we are still headed for divorce it kills the vibe for a couple days.

She just called a little bit ago to tell me after thinking about things last night she knows I can't wait forever so I need to do what's best for me.

HAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Bingo.

I don't see the harm in giving her the written steps of the plan. Maybe attach a nice love letter of what your relationship could be like.

Given her present demeanour of 'Not that I want to, but what would that look like?' shed probably pore over it in private.

WW went out last night and got home around midnight I had just gotten into bed when she came home and she was immediately upset that I wasn't waiting up for her because she was in the mood to spend time together. She got into bed and started scrolling through Facebook and sending texts I asked how work and her night were. She got angry and feels like I keep pestering her and I should just let her lay in bed and leave her alone. I said no problem layed down and went to put my arm around her. She snapped again and an argument ensued.
I told her I wasn't going to argue with her, I wasn't sure what her adversion to me was but this isn't how I would be spending the night. She told me at this point I was just being disrespectful and why can't I just let her be. She kept at it until I told her again I wouldn't be fighting with her and if she wanted to keep at it she should probably not sleep in the master bedroom. She kept at it but I stayed silent and she went to the guest room.
I woke her this morning as she was over sleeping and she asked how I was and about my schedule for the day what I had planned and when I'd be home.
I'm trying not to listen to her words but am paying more attention to her actions and it seems like things are slipping backwards she's had a wave of emotions over the last couple days good one moment and angry the next.
Any advice on what I should or shouldn't be doing at this point?

She is going to be up and down because I suspect her affair is up and down. It will stay this way until she leaves that job. I bet she is still in touch with the OM. Are you spying on her?

Yeah still keeping tabs, everything checks out no contact since June.
Maybe it's my paranoia from all this but I get this nagging thought that she ended the affair to say that she tried to work on the marriage but it was US not OM that ended the marriage.
I'm trying not to listen to family/friends who tell me that if she wanted to save the marriage she'd be doing everything possible to make amends,not be on the fence.
The advice here has been true so far, so I'm sticking to the book as best I can.

Oh that totally happens. The WS and OP agree to not talk and reunite in the future. But I really do get the impression that she seriously considers a future with you. Typically in the 'reunion' plan the WS feels free to be scathing and causes all kinds of fights to force you out sooner rather than later. But it's clear your wife revels in your plan A and is not too concerned with Plan Burn Down Marriage.

Besides, it's an addiction. Even if they agree to not talk, if the affair is still fun they will. Frequently.



I've got to agree here. She was showing signs of stress and indecision prior to this. She may have gone back to him asking if he can beat your conditional offer, with the 'unconditional love' that typified their unexposed affair.

Only now it's exposed and subject to reality, so it's probably not worth his time. Or he has a bunch of conditions, like she has to get control of you and your tendency to expose.

What spying methods are you using? I think that they will probably just contact each other at work but if you do happen to catch an out-of-work message it would be enlightening.

"Keeping tabs" is not enough when it's a workplace affair. Even if you had a VAR in her office and keylogger on her office computer/s and access to her work email, which I doubt you do.

The reason that leaving a workplace is so strongly emphasized here on this site is that there is absolutely no way for you to monitor if the coworker affairees are in contact, unless you are standing right there with your WW the entire time. Every time I have seen people here try to recover with their spouse working with the OP "in a different location" the affair continues. It's too easy. Plus your WW knows you are on to the affair, so she's going to work EXTRA hard to make sure you don't know what she's up to.

Part of being a gaslit BS is that you question yourself and tend to at times want to minimize the role the affair is playing in CURRENT marital issues - because that's what the WS fog spew has done to you. Your WW is acting exactly the way that a wayward does when they are still in contact.

Yeah I have no real way of knowing what's going on at the workplace and I was afraid that with how she's been acting it may be a sign of the affair still going on. No calls or texts and VAR in the car has nothing.
She did at one point shortly after she said it ended say she felt it wasn't right timing for them, so it's been on my mind. But I guess I should listen to my gut feelings on this.
It was looking good for a bit than all this started back up and her emotions have been all over the place. I'll see what else I can do to find if they are still in contact. It's definitely messing with me that she wants to be back in the master bedroom again and spend time together but god forbid I show any signs of physical affection large or small.

BUT, she still has many ways and I think the affair is still on. She can easily contact him at work and you would never know.


You are exactly right! It is a classic ploy.


Women don't do anything to make amends after an affair. Your wife is the rule, not the exception. But you do have a chance to win her back. It wont hurt you to try for a while. I can tell she is becoming very confused and is looking very hard at you.

I am telling you as someone who has seen hundreds of these cases that the reason your marriage is crumbling is 100% due to her affair.