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#3004138 05/22/18 07:42 PM
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So about 3 months ago now, my wife randomly out of nowhere told me she wanted a separation. When I say out of nowhere, it was, we hadn�t had a fight in nearly a month, and we were never the type of couple to fight that much anyways. To say I was blindsided would be an understatement. Two weeks before all of this happened, we were looking at buying a house together, THAT is how out of the blue his was. So of course you could imagine that I handled it badly, I begged, I pleaded, she agreed to go to marriage counseling, which was a waste of time btw. Well turns out, my darling wife had been seeing someone else. In her words �she developed feelings that she never had before for this guy�. This guy is quite a bit older than her, 13 years to be exact. He�s recently divorced, has a kid, the whole nine yards. Now I�m not sure when the affair started between them, she as far as I knew never contacted him before we got our new puppy back in January. He hasn�t moved been moved in that long either maybe about 6/7 months.

Now when she told me about the guy, I did some immature and petty [censored]. I took a screenshot of the text, and posted it on Facebook. You see, she was not only lying to me about it, but she was also lying to all of our friends, and even her own mother. So I wanted to bust that lie. Now that came at a cost, bc of that she refuses to talk to me, she has me blocked on all social media, she�s even changed her phone number. I can�t communicate with her at all.

Since then I have found out a lot of stuff from one of her friends that I guess felt bad for me. She�s told me that the weekend after my wife filed for divorce she took this guy to Savannah, GA. That was OUR vacation spot that we went too for our anniversary. She has since moved in with this guy, but she is still paying for our apartment. She basically uses our apartment as storage, that�s all.

So she�s filed for divorce and our divorce is finalized. I didn�t fight it once I found out about the other man. But I�m hurting, I feel lost and I would be lying if the thought of suicide hadn�t came across my mind. This [censored] is so unfair, I get kicked out of my home, my ex wife cheated on me and LEFT me for the guy, and I�m the one trying to figure out which was is up and which way is down. I knew we hadn�t problem, every relationship does, but I just didn�t think they were THIS bad.

I want her to wake up from this fairytale she�s in, but I don�t think she ever will. Is there anything I can do to win her back? What can I do to move on?

Also, I�m 26, she is 24, the POS other man is 37.


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Hi Bulldawg, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am very sorry this happened to you. It appears that your wife had very loose boundaries with men, which led to an affair. You did the right thing in posting her text and letting friends and family know about her affair. It's wrong to have an affair, not wrong to expose it. Everyone should know the truth and you did the right thing.

Since you are young and don't have much invested in this marriage [especially children] I would strongly suggest you cut the cord and start dating other people. Be choosy and make sure you don't end up with someone who has bad marriage habits, such as opposite sex friendships and loose boundaries around men. You can find someone that you love who loves you back. Don't waste any more time pining away for your Xwife. It is a waste of valuable time you could be spending dating more appropriate people. Sorry for your pain.


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Quote
But I�m hurting, I feel lost and I would be lying if the thought of suicide hadn�t came across my mind.

The pain is temporary, but suicide is forever. Please call the Suicide Hotline and talk to someone: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi, Bulldawg. I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

It is possible to win back a spouse after an affair. Even after divorce, but it can be harder at that point.

If you want to move on, the best advice we can give you is to never see or talk to her again. Build a new life that is fulfilling to you with things in it that you look forward to every day. Maybe move to a new town. I have a friend in my town whose wife jumped up and moved to another state a couple years ago. For months we told him she was having an affair, and finally just as their divorce was finalized he found out she was. He has moved on and built a new life and looks pretty happy.

If you want to try to win your wife back, the material on this site can definitely help with that.

Either way, check out Dr. Harley's internet radio show - it's extremely helpful and educational, and I'm sure he'd be glad to talk to you on the show: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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I would prefer to try and get her back.
But everything I�ve seen has told me she has to want to reconcile as well.

I fear that as long as she�s with this guy there will be no chance in doing that.


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If you have felt suicidal, the best thing for you to do for your own health is to move on from her.
Find something new in your life that you can enjoy.

Why not try going out on a few dates with a few fun girls? There are a lot of good ones out there. Try that for a few months, then see how you feel.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
If you have felt suicidal, the best thing for you to do for your own health is to move on from her.
Find something new in your life that you can enjoy.

Why not try going out on a few dates with a few fun girls? There are a lot of good ones out there. Try that for a few months, then see how you feel.

That's a very true point - you need to get healed and healthy. Keeping her in your life is going to make things worse before they get better, if they ever do.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Well the suicidal thoughts mainly happened during the beginning stages. Counseling has helped out a lot in that regard.

In all honesty I�m use to not talkin to her now, like I�ve said she�s blocked and changed her number, so I can�t talk to her even if I wanted too. I�m extremely worried that she has BPD, the marriage counselor was the first one to suggest this to me, and after reading up on it, I�m convinced she has it.

But idk I love her, she was my wife, and at one point she loved me. I just feel like I failure if I quit.


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Originally Posted by Bulldawg2010
I�m extremely worried that she has BPD
You'd be surprised how often that is said about the average wayward. Read about how adulterers act while they are in affair fog.

In your situation, getting back together with your ex wife is probably not the best thing for you. It has only been 3 months since you discovered the affair, you are probably still in an emotional roller coaster. In time, you might change your mind.

If you want your wife back after the affair has died, it is wise not to date for 2 years after the divorce. It is likely the affair will end within 2 years. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself and focus on your health and career. Become the best man you can be. If you still want to get back with her you after the affair has died, you will have a lot to offer. If not, you will be an attractive partner for a good, honest woman. Reading "buyers, renters and freeloaders" will give you ideas on how to select a good partner.

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Originally Posted by Bulldawg2010
But idk I love her, she was my wife, and at one point she loved me. I just feel like I failure if I quit.

You would only be a failure if you wasted any more of your life chasing a dead dream. Your marriage is over. You have a chance now to create a fantastic life with someone who would treat you well. Why not create a better future for yourself?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Originally Posted by Bulldawg2010
I�m extremely worried that she has BPD
You'd be surprised how often that is said about the average wayward. Read about how adulterers act while they are in affair fog.

In your situation, getting back together with your ex wife is probably not the best thing for you. It has only been 3 months since you discovered the affair, you are probably still in an emotional roller coaster. In time, you might change your mind.

If you want your wife back after the affair has died, it is wise not to date for 2 years after the divorce. It is likely the affair will end within 2 years. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself and focus on your health and career. Become the best man you can be. If you still want to get back with her you after the affair has died, you will have a lot to offer. If not, you will be an attractive partner for a good, honest woman. Reading "buyers, renters and freeloaders" will give you ideas on how to select a good partner.

Well the thing is, she�s always had really bad anxiety, like I�m talking about if another woman liked something I posted on Facebook she would come home, accuse me of talking to someone behind her back bc no one just randomly likes things on Facebook. She also had this irrational fear that I would leave her, literally NO amount of comforting her ever helped her. She grew up as an only child, she never knew her real father. The man she considers to be her father, her ex step dad, her mom divorced him, she always told me she never forgave her mom for that.

Idk i by no means am I saint. After about 5 years of this I started getting angry. It showed me that I do in fact have anger issues. At first that was the reason she said she wanted a divorce, was bc our relationship became toxic, keep in mind I didn�t know about the OM yet. She only told me about him AFTER she filed for divorce.

And will their relationship ever end, I mean even if we never get back together and fix things, I want her to be happy. I really do, but I do not want her to be happy with a man that destroyed my marriage. Everyone keeps telling me that their relationship won�t last, but I mean she�s already moved in with him. Like I�ve seriously been replaced. I wouldn�t wish this on my worst enemy. She hasn�t once reached out to me, it�s like I�m dead to her.

Just feels like I�ve wasted 6 years of my life on this woman, got married to her, and all for her to have an affair and leave me. It just feels like the woman I married is gone, and she�s been replaced by whatever is living in her body.


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Originally Posted by markos
Either way, check out Dr. Harley's internet radio show - it's extremely helpful and educational, and I'm sure he'd be glad to talk to you on the show: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Most affairs die naturally after 2 years.
5% of affairs continue past that point.
Of that 5%, only 30% survive.

The chances of her staying with this guy are very slim.

If you wanted to wait 2 years for affair to die, you could do that.
But spend those 2 years making a great life for yourself.

DATE. I'm willing to bet once you date a few sweet girls, you will begin to see what you've been missing. Life will be better for you.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
DATE. I'm willing to bet once you date a few sweet girls, you will begin to see what you've been missing. Life will be better for you.

yep!! clap


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You are already getting great advice....

In addition to giving up the OP and taking steps to never see or hear from them again, cheaters have to make radical lifestyle changes. They need to give up opposite sex friendships. They need to adhere to Extraordinary Precautions. They need to become radically honest. They need to become transparent. Etc.

Children and long marital history is usually what will help motivate a person to make all of these changes. Not only does it motivate the wayward spouse - but it also motivates the BS because recovery (even if the WS agrees to all of these changes) is very difficult.

I would advise any person that I care about in my life to RUN if they are in a short marriage with no children and their spouse has an affair.


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Thanks guys, @markos I�m definitely going to check out what you linked.

Anything that can help me get through this emotionally draining roller coaster I�m on please send it my way. I really just never thought this would happen to me, which I guess is why I�m struggling so hard to accept that it did happen.

My father has also said that their relationship won�t last, and when it falls apart she will more than likely come crawling back, BUT that I would be a fool to take her back.

But thanks guys for all the advice. Any advice y�all could give on keeping the mind from wandering. When I�m working out/ at work I almost never think about this. But when I�m at home alone, good god the mind movies that go through my head are unbearable.


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Originally Posted by Bulldawg2010
Just feels like I�ve wasted 6 years of my life on this woman, got married to her, and all for her to have an affair and leave me. It just feels like the woman I married is gone, and she�s been replaced by whatever is living in her body.

Don't make it 7 years.
For now, take care of yourself, become a better you.
These folks are giving you great advice, keep telling yourself that you will get through this, and you will be better than you were before.

Keeping working out, make it a habit if you haven't. Try to hang out with male friends, if they are busy and you fear that idle time, maybe workout longer than before to tire yourself out before bed. Maybe look into a community ed class if you have interest you put off. Maybe make plans to go fishing with your dad or a friend.
Don't forget to eat, get 7-8 hours sleep.


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Originally Posted by Bulldawg2010
My father has also said that their relationship won�t last, and when it falls apart she will more than likely come crawling back, BUT that I would be a fool to take her back.

You should listen to your dad - he's got your interests at heart.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by Bulldawg2010
It just feels like the woman I married is gone, and she�s been replaced by whatever is living in her body.

Almost everybody who has been the victim of an affair has felt something like that. An affair is truly an addiction and turns the wayward spouse into another person.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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