Just want to say I too came from that site, had read the books, even tried coaching, but nothing was working.
I found this site read a ton of posts and started reading Surviving An Affair. I jumped in, a little hesitantly at first but take the advice here. Gather all your evidence as fast as you can and expose to everyone on your side, hers and OM. Leave no one out. Do this fast though the longer it goes on the worse it is for you.

**EDIT**

I am curious to get a different perspective, and appreciate any time or help you can offer.

One big difference between the sites is the number of people here who say to expose the affair. While I have done that, I am no longer looking to "tell" on her. My in laws definitely don't know the extent of what she is doing, and I have not spoken with them in a few weeks. Before a few weeks ago, I talked to them several times a week, in person and on the phone. My WW is trying hard to get them "on her side".

How'd that work out for you?

I read almost all of that today, thank you for posting, Melody Lane.

This is what I am trying to understand: it just seems to create the pursuit/distancer relationship again. It seems like the more I press her, the more she will resist. Telling everyone seems like definite pressure. If she doesn't want to be in the marriage, I cannot force her. So help me out everyone!

ITelling everyone seems like definite pressure. !

What exposure does is hasten the death of the affair. We are thinking long term, you are thinking very short term.

We are not advising that you "press her;" we are advising you to expose the affair, which hurts it. We never told you to "force her" into a marriage, that is impossible. I think you are drawing incorrect conclusions about the advise based on your own personal biases. My suggestion would be to put aside your own ideas and keep an open mind.

By not exposing, you are enabling the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. It is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Keeping the secret helps NO ONE in any way.

Originally Posted By: ovrrnbw
Made some progress tonight. WW texted me again late this afternoon asking if I was at the lake. Again, I asked why, WW says I dunno. I say Ok then, WW replies that she is having a hard time so I say "with what"? WW says don't worry i'll be fine. I say "ok have a good weekend". Then WW asks again if I'm at the lake, but asks something else so I only respond to the other question. WW asks again if I'm at the lake. I don't respond.

An hour later WW asks me to call. After 20 or 30 minutes I call WW. WW says she is upset and crying about not being at the lake. Her folks didn't end up going bc she didn't plus it'd be awkward with the lake neighbors explaining why I wasn't there. WW wants a "new life". WW says her parents are yelling at her. WW also says that this is "happening to her", whatever that means. That's probably her way of saying, "this isn't my fault" and cleaning her hands of her wrongdoings.

I wonder if I should be her shoulder to cry on. Sounds like getting the benefits of a husband without the necessary reciprocation. She says she "wishes she could change her life". I'm not sure why she can't. WW says she's unhappy with her life. OK crazy lady.

Eventually WW texted me saying thanks for talking and she was sorry to bother me. I just responded "you're welcome".

Obviously she still has the feels. We'll see if that translates into anything positive for the marriage.


Originally Posted By: ovrrnbw
Yesterday morning WW texted me in the morning,just my name with "..." at the end. WW tells me she's sorry (I think she means for bothering me) and that she's having a hard time. I validate, but find that statement a little annoying.

Then WW tells me she is just so sad. I say I'm sorry to hear that, WW says oh well and I leave it at that.

What the hell is she doing? Why is she coming to me when she's sad? The lake was "our thing", so that and the holiday weekend plays a big role.


Originally Posted By: ovrrnbw
I'm gonna type this out while it's fresh. WW woke me up at 11 PM and kept tickling me, then after several minutes got more physical, slapping my head and hitting me with the pillow. She wanted me to get out of the bed. Said I was playing a game and that I should be doing what she wants bc I created this marital mess. I told her it's not a game at all. She's saying that someone told me to do this. I told her several times that it's late and I need to go back to bed. Obviously she didn't care to keep crossing that boundary. She cried several times. Then we talked a little more.

Then I told her I need to go back to bed. She leaves the room the comes back in to get in another word bc she's mad about sleeping in the other bedroom. So I finally say the word affair, and she's offended, says she didn't do anything wrong. I told her she was lying to herself and that she wouldn't be hiding her car and trying to get me to coerce me and a friend into not saying anything about it.

She denies this, of course, and I told her she was being like my dad (who is a horrible person). She got mad when I told her she was being like my dad when she told me i have to answer her calls bc it's her family plan. She told me I was being controlling and selfish about the bed. She doesn't like the word affair at all and Backdoor admitted to it. At the end of the 2 hour convo she wants to know who all I have told about her affair. I tell her I don't feel comfortable telling her bc I don't trust her right now. She says that I'm playing a game by saying that, and that she's been open with me and telling me things. I tell her she's not being honest with me, (she didn't admit to the money she's hiding). I say there's still secrets and she assumed I meant the affair so I reminded her that's not what I'm talking about. She didn't tell me anything new, so I didn't know what she meant.

She cried several times and blamed me for everything, she brought me emailing and texting an ex 6 years ago again, I think to justify her actions. She accused me again of trying to "take everything". She told me that her mom told her sister that her mom thinks WW is very depressed. WW also accused me of recording her, which I wasn't. I think I need to draw the line on the physical contact and conversation times.

She also stated that she can't D right now bc of the house and car situation plus she has no paper income and no where to go.

Crazy night.

[


I think my mind is open, I'm asking for everyone here's perspective and I appreciate your response. I didn't expect to get the same perspective I had been getting.

If you haven't seen it yet, I have exposed it to several people, but not using y'alls method - I just found the site today. She has been largely avoiding her folks the last 3 months. We used to see them 1-3 days per week. No she doesn't see them 1-3 per month and they aren't happy about it.

The plan is just to out the affair to as many people as possible? And then whether the $$#@storm that WW will obviously throw? Then hope she wants to come back to the marraige?

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

The plan is just to out the affair to as many people as possible? And then whether the $$#@storm that WW will obviously throw? Then hope she wants to come back to the marraige?

And then whether the $$#@storm that WW will obviously throw?

I understand the perspective was developed from Dr Harley, I read quite a bit on here today.