Hello,

I am having a problem and I am not sure what to do. My (serious) boyfriend has told me multiple times that I make him feel like he isn�t good enough for me just the way he is, like I am always working on him as a project. Let me tell you what happened this time. I would like to know what you think.

To start off, I will say that he has been gone for a week. He was visiting his family for a funeral (his uncle died) and he got very sick on his trip. The entire week when we voice chatted or talked on the phone he looked miserable and I could tell he felt miserable. I was having a very hard time understanding if he was miserable from the sickness or the death or both and (this sounds very selfish, but) it was very hard for me to only interact in this negative way all week.

He got back yesterday and he seemed very happy, like he was totally better. I realized I was feeling disconnected and vulnerable. I told him that he hadn�t done anything wrong, but I might need extra conversation and affectionate touches (as these make me feel better). I told him that it was not his fault, but that I was not feeling quite right and just might need some extra care for a couple of days. He initially seemed frustrated and told me that he felt like I was watching his emotions way too carefully, but when I further explained how not really knowing why he was sad all week disturbed me he seemed to feel better and he told me that he loves me and that he hadn�t thought of things from my perspective.

So I ask if we can walk around the arboretum, which is one of my favorite things to do, and he agrees enthusiastically. When I get home from work, he is already ready to go, and I can tell he was thinking of me. So we leave, but on the way there, he�s practically silent. I try one topic, then another, then another, but he just responds very minimally and then becomes quiet. I try to wait it out because sometimes I just need to be patient and conversation happens, but we get all the way to the arboretum (15 minute drive) and have been walking around the arboretum for some time in this me trying to talk, him not trying mode before I finally ask him if something is wrong. Sometimes when he is this quiet it�s because he is feeling anxiety or stress. But my question is met with, �I knew you were going to ask if something was wrong,� almost as an accusation, and then he tells me that he just feels quiet, that�s the way he is, he just doesn�t need to talk as much as I do and can�t I just accept him the way he is?

I was very hurt by this, especially because earlier that day I had told him that I was feeling vulnerable and needed meaningful conversation to feel better, and he seemed like he was totally okay with that. But this felt like a flat refusal to have a conversation to me, and as I do not talk just to hear my own voice, I became quiet and sad because I was really hoping to have a good conversation and had thought I had been very clear in agreeing with him that a conversation was very important to me and was going to happen.

After he says this and sees that I am sad, he starts trying to start up small talk. Not good conversation, but I can tell he�s trying to talk. I am now the one responding minimally because I feel like he doesn�t want to talk. I am blue and not myself because I feel bad about what was said.

Eventually he confronts me about my droopy countenance and asks me what is wrong. I tell him that the conversation earlier hurt me and made me feel like he didn�t want to talk. I even cried a little. He then says that I always do this, that one or the other of us always has to be sad, that I constantly make him feel like he isn�t good enough. He asks why we can�t just have a time together where we both are happy. This is shocking to me because I feel like the majority of our time together is happy, and he�s using words like �always� and �never� and �constantly.� I don�t think I have ever used those words with him because I find them destructive and disrespectful. I also feel hurt because I feel like I have torn open my soul over the issue of him not feeling good enough because of me. I have cried over it, explained to him that I have done this in a past relationship, that I feel so bad and am so sorry and I try to explain my point of view that I am not trying to �fix� him, I am just trying to be honest with how I feel. I thought the last time he said it that he understood and would not say it again, but today he did. And in the exact same way as before.

I felt him genuinely trying to connect with me despite the hurtful comments and so I pushed them aside and we had a genuinely good time walking around the rest of the arboretum. However, as time went on, I heard his comments in my mind over and over, and they stab at me. I just can�t shake the inner commentary and I am always wondering, �Can I ask for a conversation without him feeling like he�s not good enough? If he doesn�t understand what I mean by a good conversation and I try to explain to him what a good conversation is to me will he feel like he�s a project that I�m working on?� And no one in the history of the universe has ever said, �Oh, your partner makes you feel like you aren�t good enough? That�s great news!�

So I�m feeling pretty bad. Let me know what you think. Feel free to ask questions. I will try to answer as honestly as possible.

Thank you.

Nemli, do you understand /have read the concepts here? I would look at the top ten emotional needs. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend would be a good choice for someone who has a need for Openess and Honesty, or a need for Interesting Conversation. He might be a better choice for someone else, with different needs.

If you were married, it would make sense to teach him how to meet these needs, but if you're still just dating it makes more sense to move on to a more suitable match.

I don't think you are trying to fix him, you are just being open and honest. Your boyfriend doesn't have that need, and doesn't understand it.

Im not saying break up with him immediately, but I would stop trying to force it. If you two have fun naturally it would show you have compatibility.