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#3004414 06/04/18 04:29 AM
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My husband and I have been married for 23 years and have 3 teenage children. We have had sexual problems for most of our marriage - I am trying to decide if I have an aversion, or if I felt more positive towards my husband my sexual interest would improve. We have been trying to follow the guidelines of MB - having UA, and meeting each other�s needs. I have not been enjoying our time together, and feel tense when I know we are having time together. Part of that issue comes down to what I wear and what we do while we are together. My husband has physical attraction and sexual fulfilment as his top 2 emotional needs. He would like me to be more sexual in the way I dress, and throughout the evening be �playful� in my behaviour - for example undoing buttons, taking off my top, sitting on his lap etc.I feel so uncomfortable wearing sexy clothing, and being sexually playful that it has taken all enjoyment out of our time together. This issue has been going on for about 15 years - before we had read any of marriage builders. We have been having date nights regularly - my husbands impression is that I am trying to meet his needs, but because I don�t enjoy it and have desire, it takes away his enjoyment. There is probably so much more I could say, but I don�t know what to include - and it is all so painful

Rillane #3004415 06/04/18 06:34 AM
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Hi Rillane. How would you rate his ability in meeting your needs? Are you in love with him?

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my husbands impression is that I am trying to meet his needs, but because I don�t enjoy it and have desire, it takes away his enjoyment

You should be meeting his needs in a way that YOU enjoy. If not, you obviously won't have desire. For example, if you don't enjoy doing this:
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He would like me to be more sexual in the way I dress, and throughout the evening be �playful� in my behaviour - for example undoing buttons, taking off my top,
you shouldn't be doing that. You don't have to do those things to meet the need of sexual fulfillment. There are many ways to meet each others needs and it should always be done in a way that you both enjoy.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Rillane Offline OP
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Thanks for replying! I don�t think he is meeting my emotional needs, although he is trying to (same as I am trying to meet his). We both seem to be just missing the mark. Partly the issue for me is that I don�t know what will make me happy any more - I think my most important emotional needs are admiration and affection, but sometimes the affection that he tries to give me makes me want to pull away. He says he struggles to show admiration for me at the moment while he his hurting so deeply, and he sees me avoiding facing up to the issues. I can understand that he thinks I am avoiding the issues, as I don�t want our time together to always be stressful, and I would like us to try and enjoy ourselves. At the moment though we just don�t enjoy ourselves - there is always tension. He would like our UA with each other to contain all 4 elements of our emotional needs (which the marriage builders suggests), but I manage to put a damper on the whole time by being stressed, not responsive, and not giving him any encouragement. How do we find a compromise of me being comfortable, but also finding a way to meet his needs? He would say more and more things are becoming �off limits� - which is why I am trying to work out if I am developing more and more aversions, or whether it is simply that because everything is so stressful that it is taking away any desire that I could feel.
I am struggling to work out where the line is as far as meeting his needs, and trying to do that, and how much to say no because I feel really uncomfortable.
Am I in love with him?? I am committed to love him, no matter what I feel at the moment. If there wasn�t tension and stress between us we are best friends - if I could please him visually and sexually, I think he would be happy, and that would make me happy.

Rillane #3004442 06/05/18 06:35 AM
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UA is supposed to be your most fun time of the week, free from disrespectful judgments and selfish demands. I would suggest you start there before his misunderstood version of UA time leaves you more and more disgusted with him. Would he come to the board?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Rillane #3004445 06/05/18 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Rillane
Thanks for replying! I don�t think he is meeting my emotional needs, although he is trying to (same as I am trying to meet his). We both seem to be just missing the mark. Partly the issue for me is that I don�t know what will make me happy any more - I think my most important emotional needs are admiration and affection, but sometimes the affection that he tries to give me makes me want to pull away. He says he struggles to show admiration for me at the moment while he his hurting so deeply, and he sees me avoiding facing up to the issues. .

I agree with NED that you need to focus on lovebusters. Your time together should be extremely enjoyable, not stressful. Him telling you that you are "avoiding facing the issues" is a lovebuster and he is making it much harder for you to ever meet his needs. I would suggest that you focus on meeting the THREE intimate emotional needs of affection, converstation and recreational companionship for now and avoid sexual fulfillment until you feel desire. Have you read this? https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html

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but sometimes the affection that he tries to give me makes me want to pull away.

The only time I have ever felt this way is when I knew my husband was just doing it to get sex. That makes me feel manipulated. Is that how you feel?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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From the article above:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
Aversions can also be created when spouses try to meet each other's emotional needs, if the effort is associated with an unpleasant experience. There can be an aversion to meet the needs of admiration, affection, physical attractiveness, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, recreational companionship, conversation and sexual fulfillment. These aversions can be created in a number of ways, but the most common is when a frustrated spouse becomes abusive when a need is not met to his or her satisfaction.

When one spouse tries to earn enough money for the other and he or she becomes angry with a paycheck that's judged too small, an aversive reaction to earning a living can be created. When a spouse tries to be affectionate and is angrily rebuffed because it isn't done "right" for some reason, an aversion to affection can be created. When a spouse tries to join in recreational activities, but has a miserable time, an aversion to recreational companionship can be created.

In other words, whenever someone tries to meet an emotional need, and finds the experience particularly unpleasant, there's a great possibility that future efforts to meet that need will be associated with unpleasant feelings, an aversive reaction.

That's one of the reasons that it's so important to meet your spouse's needs in a way that you find enjoyable, and why I put so much emphasis on the Policy of Joint Agreement. If you ever develop an aversion to meeting one of your spouse's needs, you'll find it impossible to meet. You will first have to overcome the aversion before you will ever be able to meet the need again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Rillane Offline OP
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I will re look at the love busters and see how we go. I did try the suggestions for overcoming aversions. I cannot visualise at all (i just see black nothing, so it is hard to try and do this task!!). I was doing what was suggested, and was managing to relax, but just couldn�t picture situations, and then try and relax through them. I did this for about 1 month - my husband was getting a bit frustrated that I wasn�t actually getting anywhere, so we stopped and were meant to be finding another alternative. My husband suggested that I start with the easiest aversion, and actually do that for a while - rather than just imagining it. It is causing frustration for him because I haven�t started on this plan yet.

Rillane #3004461 06/06/18 06:56 AM
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I would start FIRST with eliminating lovebusters.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Rillane Offline OP
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I have ordered a copy of the love busters book, so it is on its way. I mentioned to my husband last night that when the book arrive I think we should look at these first before we do anything else. I also suggested that we only work on the three emotional needs during our UA time for the next while. He wasn�t happy with that, and would like me to tackle my issues as he can�t go on much longer with his emotional needs being met. He feels like I have just done a big love buster right there, by making a decision about our UA time without involving him. Where does joint agreement come into all of this - if we are both pulling in different directions
I understand that my husband doesn�t feel loved because I don�t desire him - it makes him feel rejected, but I don�t know how to turn this around

Rillane #3004526 06/09/18 06:48 AM
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He doesn't understand that the way he gets his needs met is to eliminate love buster and provide extraordinary care so he can stop pushing you away? Your course will be enough work without his discouragement. Do you think he would come here? Or listen to the radio show with you so the extraordinary care mindset can kick in for him?

Do you all have any fun light UA planned for this weekend?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Rillane #3004527 06/09/18 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Rillane
I have ordered a copy of the love busters book, so it is on its way. I mentioned to my husband last night that when the book arrive I think we should look at these first before we do anything else. I also suggested that we only work on the three emotional needs during our UA time for the next while. He wasn�t happy with that, and would like me to tackle my issues as he can�t go on much longer with his emotional needs being met.

Yes, you are both "tackling your issues" by eliminating lovebusters so you will desire him. That is the goal.

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He feels like I have just done a big love buster right there, by making a decision about our UA time without involving him. Where does joint agreement come into all of this - if we are both pulling in different directions

Are you saying that he doesn't AGREE to eliminate lovebusters and to follow this program? If he refuses to follow the program then that is another problem entirely.

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understand that my husband doesn�t feel loved because I don�t desire him - it makes him feel rejected, but I don�t know how to turn this around

We have told you how: eliminate lovebusters. Will he come here and post to us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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