Long story short.. my husband had an affair with another married woman. Started with a long emotional thing then she sealed the deal in hopes that he�d leave me. He stayed and then I decided to stay and work it out. I�m not going to lie, it�s been extremely difficult at times. However, I stopped worrying about him cheating again and rarely check up on him. Until about 3 yrs ago. I had to have an complete hysterectomy and bladder surgery at 42. The following summer we went to the beach. It was difficult for me to wear a bathing suit because I had put on 20 lbs in 3 months and was till swollen from the surgery. I spotted HER on the ferry ride to the island. Ya know the one with the string bikini and boobs in her throat. I ignored her and didn�t think twice about it. Until we were on the beach playing with out youngest child. My husband literally watched her walk up and down the beach in front of me. 😡 I was heartbroken and didn�t confront him for a few days. When I did he denied looking at her. Even called me crazy. He was angry that I had accused him.
Fast forward to the next year and he checks out two different girls at the airport when we were on a trip. I confronted him and he says he didn�t not check them out and said yeah like you didn�t watch that girl on the beach. He says I admitted to you that I did look at the girl on the beach. 😳 no he did not. I notice him looking women up and down often now. It stabs me in the heart every time. All the old feelings from when he cheated on me have surfaced. Lack of self worth, self esteem, etc. I�m really at a loss right now.

My husband is still in the midst of his affair. He has been out of the home for almost two months now. We are on Plan B and do not communicate at all. I've been praying hard for our marriage, but there are times that I wonder if I will able to really move past the cheating. However, your scripture caught my attention and that is the same scripture that I have been turning to. I would suggest that you recognize who you are in Christ. You are worth something, you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Don't let your husband ruin your self esteem. He is blessed to have you! I would suggest turning to the Lord and pour out your sorrows to Him. Learn who you are in Christ and you will be able to stand strong. ((((Hugs))))

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who was the OW? How close do you live to her? Why don't you move? Does her husband know about their affair? Who all knows about his affair?

Hi, Thankful,

Here is what I think my wife would do in that situation, and I would recommend you do the same:

My wife would inform me that unless I make it 100% obvious that I am NOT looking at other women, I wouldn't be welcome to live in our home. If I didn't agree to that she would change the locks and call family members over to haul my stuff out onto the lawn. If I didn't accept that she would see a divorce attorney and arrange a separation and get me legally out of our home. She would tell me that I am welcome to come home as soon as I stop arguing about whether or not I am looking at other women AND change the way I act to satisfy her that I'm not looking.

If I tried to respond by saying "But I'm not looking at other women" she would probably laugh in my face and change the locks when I'm not home. There's no way on God's green earth my wife would debate the subject with me or put up with this.

My wife's been learning and working on Marriage Builders for years now and is pretty smart and has gotten a lot out of it especially through learning not to tolerate hurtful behavior from me. I'll try to get her to look this post over when she gets some time later today and see if she agrees this would be a good approach.

Here are some good radio clips about gawking.

Radio Clip on Gawking
Segment #2
Radio Clip on Gawking

Welcome to MB.

There are probably a few things in your post that need unpicking, such as the details of the affair that he had, that you claim to have recovered from.

However, on the gawking issue, Dr Harley is well aware that men are more likely to be stimulated visually than are women. He doesn't say that this is right or wrong; it's just the way most men are. However, a man taking pleasure from looking at women other than his wife is a problem in marriage, because it makes the wife unhappy and insecure. Whether it involves looking at women in real life, or on screens and in pornography, it feels like a form of infidelity to most wives.

Rather than telling wives to deal with their own insecurities, as a lot of advice seems to do, Dr Harley focuses on one of his cardinal rules; to avoid being the source of your spouse's unhappiness. If something makes your spouse unhappy, stop doing it.

In the case of looking at other women, the husband needs to practice looking away from women; but there is another thing that can be done, and that applies directly to your case, which is to stop going to places where women appear half-clothed - e.g. the beach.

We have some gorgeous beaches here in the UK where a wife need not worry about unclothed women; it is so fresh, and downright cold, on Scottish and northern English beaches for most of the year that everyone out walking is well-wrapped up, and nobody is sunbathing. If they're in the sea, they're in a wetsuit. But down south, in the weather we've been having lately, there is a lot of sunbathing and exposed flesh. If gawking on beaches is particularly hurtful to you (and I sympathise about the changes in your body after 26 years of marriage and 11 kids, and surgery), choose elsewhere to spend a day out. You can usually go on the water somewhere without going to a hot beach.

In order for the gawking to stop, though, and for you to feel secure when you go out with your husband, he'll have to be on board with changing his behaviour so that he does not make you unhappy. Is he on board with this?

It's important to realize that you are going to have to act before you feel better.

You can't wait to feel better before acting.

The question to ask yourself is: what are you going to do?

Please listen to those clips BrainHurts posted, read my post, and think this question over.

I agree the Lord has been reminding me to look to Him for my esteem and remember who I am in Him.

The OW was another pastors wife that was unhappy in her marriage. She was on the prowl. when my husband decided not to follow her when she left, she told her husband about it all. Her husband called me and then I confronted my husband. It all hit the fan. she still tried to get my husband to leave me but he decided not to. We lived out of the country at the time and she brought a missions group down to visit for a week. we lost everything and had to come back to the states. she's in another state. I'm not concerned about her. unfortunately, I have seen her a few times over the past 18 years but she's nothing to me.

I like the way you put this. I didn't feel like I was making crazy demands or acting crazy. I would expect him to call me out if I was doing something inappropriate as well.

he claims that he may "notice" people BUT he's not looking at them in lust. I've noticed it many times when we are out, not just at the beach. I notice it because I see his body language change. that's what catches my attention.

The crux of my post was this question:

Is he?

no because he says he hasn't done anything wrong. I'm "too sensitive", "easily offended", "looking for things to get angry about"
I almost believed what he was saying about me until I realized that his body languages gives it away. I never thought twice about him looking at women until I saw his body language and that tells me a different story.