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Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 13
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Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 13
Hi, I am new here and looking for some advice and direction on what I should do.

I am not married but I was engaged, we had been together 11 and half years, in February this year something didn't feel right in our relationship and I said to my partner that I couldn't explain it but I didn't feel close to him, usually he tells me I am being silly but he told me the same. He told me that he felt like his feelings were starting to change towards me but when I asked him why and for how long he couldn't really give me an answer. I wouldn't say we were perfect however we always seemed very happy and in love and we had recently come back from holiday and everything seemed normal to me. We had a chat and he said that he wanted to try and didn't want to waste 11 and half years together, at this point I never suspected anything especially an affair due to the fact that his mum had an affair when he was younger and it destroyed the family and he was always anti-affair. We tried for another 4-5 weeks and in this time I would have a good day with him at the weekend but then he would tell me that he had to work the other day, I believed this as I knew how busy he was, he has a very demanding job. As the weeks went by he seemed to distance himself further from me and it eventually ended with us splitting up, he then gave me the speech that he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore he just saw me as a friend. He also told me that he felt like he had lost his independence and other reasons but they didn't really add up and wouldn't be enough to split us up. I tried to get him to change his mind but he is very stubborn and I couldn't get through to him.

That same week we started to get some things sorted in the house as he said he wanted to sell it and he said I could keep all the money from the sale of the house. We split up on the Monday and by the Sunday he started to pack up his things and he moved out. I still never suspected anything. He told me has was going to live back closer to his family, his job requires him to be in two locations and his family are closer to the other location. However when I spoke to his Mum on the phone she told me that he had said that he needed to be at the one nearest to me so I thought why would he lie. He also told me to delete him from the find my friends app on my iPhone as he said it would drive me crazy but because he told me this I decided not to. The week after we split he told me he had to go away and this all seemed to add up and was where he said he was going to be, the day he got back he came to see me and to get some more of his things I asked him if he would consider us just having time apart and seeing how he felt in a few months he said that he didn't want this and that he was happy on his own and wanted to meet new people. I then tracked him when he left and he went to work but then later he was at a woman he works closely with at her house, I thought maybe she is just being a good friend but he was there all night, and then the following two nights. I saw him on the Monday and I didn't tell him I knew where he was but I asked him if he was having an affair with her he told me that I should know better than that and that he would never do that to me but he seemed quite angry that I had asked him. I then deleted the app as it was driving me crazy. But then everything started to add up and I had a long list of reasons why I thought he was having an affair. I feel stupid for not realising at the time but not in a million years would I have thought he would leave me for her. She is about 10 years older than him, two children to different Dads due to leaving her first husband and having an affair with her second. He has never shown any interest in her, she is not his type and has often been disappointed with her behaviour at work but in November last year she got a job that required them working more closely together. I also know her and have confided personal issues with her and I feel like I have helped her take him from me.

In May he was going on a family holiday and the weekend before he went he came to help me at the house as there is some decorating we need to do before we sell. When I have been with him its been really hard for me but I have always tried to be myself around him, I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, it wasn't a begging letter and he started to cry and he gave me a hug and when I tried to pull away it felt like he didn't want to let go. I was hoping time away with his family would make him reconsider but it didn't. Two weeks later he came to see me and he said that he had something to tell me and that he met someone, I said I already know you are having an affair with her. He said he hasn't but she is the person he is dating and that they had been dating for 6 weeks, I didn't believe him, I told him why I thought he was having an affair and he said he could understand why I thought it but he wasn't. He seemed to be honest about a physical affair but its like he doesn't realise its been an emotional one. I asked where her husband was and he said that they are getting a divorce and split around the same time that we did... what a coincidence!! He then told me that we weren't happy, we shouldn't have got engaged etc... He told me that he was happy but I don't know if he was trying to convince me or himself. He also said that she didn't like him spending time with me as she is worried he will come back to me, so they already have trust issues! I saw him a week later and I got a bit upset and I said that our relationship changed when she started working with him, he didn't disagree and he cried.

About a month ago he came again to help me with the house, he seems to be the one dragging it out and I don't really want to move so I haven't been pushing it. I was getting ready to go out as I was having a leaving meal with work (I lost my job because of all of this) and he wouldn't look at me when I was all dressed up, he was talking to me but looking at the wall. When he eventually did he said that he had bought me some food which I thought was strange. When I was out he text to say he had gone as he was feeling hot and bothered and that he would be in touch. I never heard from him for just over a month and he text me a couple of days ago to say that he is really busy at work for the next two months and that he won't be able to help me. I said that I needed to speak with him regarding the house as I would now like to keep it but said it would be best to talk in person. He said can I call you instead as I am really busy and I said no I would rather see him, he text back saying he could see me yesterday, I agreed but then cancelled in the morning as I couldn't face seeing him. But he couldn't have been that busy??!!

In order for me to keep the house I want to ask him if he can support me a bit longer financially until I get myself sorted but I don't know if he will agree and what sort of influence she has over him. I really want him back and don't know what to do, I have been told that I need to make him feel like he is losing me but I don't know how as we are not married. I am quite worried about him and this really is out of character for him. If he told me he felt like he had lost his independence with me how is he going to cope with two children and he has never wanted kids. I am feeling really lost, I never thought this would happen, feels like a bad dream. Can anyone help with what I should do???


Joined: Jan 2014
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Locking duplicate thread. Please find open thread in Dating - Relationships forum.


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