Guess I need to start by saying I am an alcoholic and did A LOT of damage to my marriage. Have over a year of sobriety. Husband filed for divorce while in treatment and I wasn�t near ready and I am still not ready to divorce. I want to try so hard to make it work since I am �new� and �whole�. He now has a girlfriend and doesn�t consider it an affair. Both my girls are so happy for him(because he was near death's door several times and feel if he is happy he won't get sick again) and have met her and been on a trip with her included~OUCH. There is sooo much more back story, but it was suggested I post and get your feedback.

I am doing alright and not sure that I am ready to go totally "dark" yet. The younger daughter, Estranged Husband and I met last night...The oldest daughter couldn't make it which is fine. I am really not even sure why we met because nothing was really talked about. Here are my take aways:

Child is soooo conditioned by what she has heard from her Dad. She spoke about the business and his girlfriend with the exact (or pretty darn close) verbiage that he has spoken to me. I smiled at one point and she asked what was funny. I expressed that what she said is pretty much what her Dad has said to me...She immediately said those were her words so I didn't say anything else regarding that situation.

Sooo..I am going to share something with you that I am not even sure I have told you...I was molested by my Father at the age of 12 and raped when I was 22. I never really dealt with either of those situations and when I went to treatment they got to the "root" of my drinking which was the past that I tried to bury. I tell you this only because I came to the realization last night that there is this feeling I get anytime that the girlfriend is brought up is the same feeling I got when reliving what occurred to me in the past. It is the feeling of unworthiness and that I am a piece of trash. Today, I know I am not that, but apparently my body and subconscious are not there when it comes to the situation. And that is why the turmoil is sooo huge where I want to puke everytime she is brought up.

Nobody has asked why I feel the way I do in regards to any situation. I am never given the benefit of the doubt and I am not sure that will ever change. That is where I am stuck..Not sure where to go and how to proceed.

When my youngest brought up the business and I immediately told her I wasn't going to discuss Adult Issues with her. I believe she was surprised that I just said it in a matter of fact way and didn't get heightened. She didn't mention it again...Which I was happy about because I am not sure I would have remained as calm and not turned it on my estranged spouse.

I was pretty much in the hot seat, because it wasn't about the two of us arguing, it was more about me needing to do what "she" wants..By she, I mean them...BUT...I didn't get riled up or "go off". I remained calm through the whole thing and I am proud of myself for that. I am pretty sure they thought it was going to get heated since that is what they were used too.

I am probably more numb today than anything. Once I realized why my body gets so out of sorts when the girlfriend is brought up, the flood of emotions opened up again. I just really don't know what to do at this point. Not even sure any of this makes sense. Just trying to find a starting point.

Hello WOL, welcome to Marriage Builders. Let me preface my advice by saying that I am recovering alcoholic with 33 years of sobriety and have experienced much of what you are experiencing. Unfortunately, when we drink, we cause so much damage to our marriages that our spouses rightly choose to leave. It sounds like this is where your husband is. Your drinking was just as bad as an affair and he chose to get out, which is his right. On that basis, I would respect his wishes. The man has been through unmitigated hell you might not "feel ready," but he does. As is his right.

I want to also caution you about delving into your childhood and/or blaming your alcoholism on your childhood. Many people have bad childhoods but they don't choose to drink over it. The truth is that you made a conscious choice to drink and became an alcoholic. Your family had to suffer those consequences for a very long time. Examining your childhood is a huge distraction from changing adult behavior and I hope you have left that fruitless behavior in the past. One doesn't have to know how or why we behave badly in order to change our behavior. What counts is that we make changes.

Thank you for your honesty. Although brutal-it is what I need right now. Someone without the emotional ties. I agree, I need to let it go(the marriage). The main thing keeping me from doing that is we own a business and he just wants me to give it up...while I get nothing from it. I don�t think that is fair and my alcoholism shouldn�t play a part in me not getting something that I fought hard while it was being built. I worked more than I should have to keep the family going. Sooo..Yes, I have a problem with that.

In regards to my childhood, I didn�t mean for it to come across as I was blaming it for my drinking. I was saying, once I realized the feelings with my past and what my body was telling me I got relief. The same feelings when the girlfriend is brought up arise.

Believe me, I know and understand the damage. It is a Family disease and I truly believe that. I am doing the best I can in an otherwise tough situation. I am drowning and don�t want to keep slipping further into the water. Appreciate any feedback.

Being an alcoholic certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't get a fair settlement in the divorce. The settlement should be worked out in the divorce.

Worthy I think I heard you on the radio show right? That you were not a lifetime alcoholic but started in the last few years when he was at death�s door?

How did it go the things the Harley�s suggested next steps? Talking with your WH to let him know you are sorry about the disrespect and in fact do respect and admire him..and meet with the OW to inform her that your XH is wanted at home, and she is breaking up a marriage?

Hmmm..Yes, I was on the radio amd really surprised you can gather that from my post. I haven�t done ALL 3 things thatbdr Harley suggested. Partly my hesitation and Partly because I was afraid. I have written the letter to my estranged spouse with a few adjustments made by the doctor. Like was said on the show, I have to do them in order. Next will be his Mom. I haven�t heard from WH but not even sure he has read since it is from me. It has also been told to me by my WH that his parents �despise� me which I have a hard time believing because they have continued to speak and ask my opinions regarding certain things. This has also been said when we are having �heightened� exchanges. This is NOT easy and I am tired. I am just not sure I have any fight left. I am not even sure I am worth it to him and I am not sure any of this is really worth it.

I agree with Melody Lane that your husband has plenty of legitimate cause for a divorce and his word that he is done should be respected.

That does not mean that I don't understand that mention of this girlfriend probably is very upsetting to you while you are grieving the marriage. The simple solution there would be to protect yourself from hearing about it. Don't see him or them and ask people not to talk to you about it while you are coming to terms with things.

If the divorce is going to be contentious regarding finances it would make sense to isolate yourself from him anyway. If you two are getting into arguments it will only make him more determined to win more than is actually his due. Let the lawyers settle things according to the law.

Not only will this be more painless for you, but you avoid becoming his enemy. Stay out of it and heal.

If you have apologised for the past, and if you will avoid future conflicts; what more can you do?

He knows where you are if he changes his mind.

Hanging over him is going to be very unwelcome and is going to read as desperate.

Focus on yourself.

Hey guys..I am back...Well...I just need help and some advice. I am tired of being beat down and made to feel unworthy. I have been called names and I gave my power over to my estranged husband and that took me down a dark path. I am still sober~didn't want to drink, but thoughts of ending things were present in my mind. A couple questions, when I was distraught, my therapist called my estranged spouse to do a "wellness check" on me...Is she allowed to call him knowing what we are going through? I am so bothered by the fact that she did this because I feel now he has even more leverage to get the business without any strings...He is also using the children(well 16 and 20) and unfortunately they are witnessing and hearing him and his Mother talk about me~calling me evil etc..It just puts the kids who are already messed up in an even bad place..I know this is occurring (name calling and also saying things to other people) because I did some re-con and have obtained this information without his knowledge. I also found out the name, address and number of his GF but have yet to do anything with that information. My Ex doesn't even realize he pretty much handed me this information...I really don't know what I am asking..I am just needing to move on but I am scared and don't know which way to go first. I really just want to punch him..I want to stop thinking about him and being his punching bag...I have grown so much in the past year and don't want to continue being only known for my past...I know this is rambling, but I am, again just so lost..