Hi Peni. It's really dreadful that you've had to come back here because of this. I'm sorry to hear about it.
What was your posting name when you were here before?
Yesterday, I received an email from his former mistress that included a copied portion of an email he sent her from a secret email account apologizing for contacting her last week to "reminisce". She apparently told him she had no interest and he apologized and said he would not contact her again. So, I have been in a bit of a tail spin emotionally. We talked yesterday and he said he needs more from our marriage than I am currently giving him. He feels I am not enough of an emotional support for him and I am not there to listen to him. He says he needs something to change with us.
Don't put up with this, Peni. Do you realise that on being confronted about his betrayal, he blamed his choice to restart the affair on you, for not giving him enough in the marriage? Did he ever talk to you about how he felt about your marriage? Did he ever ask you to give him more emotional support and to listen to him? Did he ever tell you that he felt the urge to contact his OW, so that you knew how much your marriage was at risk?
It doesn't sound to me as if he did. Instead, it seems that he set up a secret email account (or had one all along) - which is a deliberate act, planned for and prepared. The reason for his attempt to restart the affair is not that you were letting him down; instead, it's that, like all of us, he is capable of letting someone other than his spouse meet his emotional needs - for sex, probably, and also for romantic thrills and excitement. However, rather than guard against this danger as he should have done, he made the deliberate decision to test the waters for another affair.
He said he does not have feelings for this woman anymore and he knows it was stupid to contact her and he is sorry for it. I have been unable to talk much about things yet. I know many of you will say we can work through this and perhaps you are right, but my question is Should we? Is there a point where you should just accept that you cannot give your partner what they need and that there are too many red flags to go on? I am feeling pessimistic about the notion of a major trust setback and all those resurrected feelings of inadequacy. Anyway, thought I would see if I could get some insight here.
You are very correct to question whether you should attempt to work through this. The answer depends on whether you want to, but also, and much more, on whether your husband is willing to take the steps required to have a life that is so transparent that he would not be able to set up a secret email account and contact women, ever again.
Is he willing to do whatever it would take to rebuild your marriage? Does he show that kind of commitment today? If not, you need to cut him loose.