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#3006153 09/19/18 11:31 AM
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Peni Offline OP
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Hello. I haven't been on here since 2012. I couldn't find my old thread if it even still exists. So quick background. My husband and I had some marital problems for years before he had a full blown, long term affair. While I was aware of the problems and accept my part in them, I was still blindsided by the affair and struggled for a long time with trust, self esteem, resentment. We came through that dark time and progressed as a couple. While our marriage has not been perfect since then, the passage of time and better communication brought about almost pre-affair trust levels. We can still argue and get frustrated with each other's perceived shortcomings, but I felt like we were in a fully-committed marriage. We spend a lot of time doing fun things together and he sends me vacation ideas and house listings routinely as we are in the market. Our physical relationship is not as good as we would like. We have grown children and he has been a good father, is a professional success, and takes good care of himself. We have a good life with family and friends.
Yesterday, I received an email from his former mistress that included a copied portion of an email he sent her from a secret email account apologizing for contacting her last week to "reminisce". She apparently told him she had no interest and he apologized and said he would not contact her again. So, I have been in a bit of a tail spin emotionally. We talked yesterday and he said he needs more from our marriage than I am currently giving him. He feels I am not enough of an emotional support for him and I am not there to listen to him. He says he needs something to change with us. He said he does not have feelings for this woman anymore and he knows it was stupid to contact her and he is sorry for it. I have been unable to talk much about things yet. I know many of you will say we can work through this and perhaps you are right, but my question is Should we? Is there a point where you should just accept that you cannot give your partner what they need and that there are too many red flags to go on? I am feeling pessimistic about the notion of a major trust setback and all those resurrected feelings of inadequacy. Anyway, thought I would see if I could get some insight here.

Peni #3006157 09/19/18 01:58 PM
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Hi Peni. It's really dreadful that you've had to come back here because of this. I'm sorry to hear about it.

What was your posting name when you were here before?

Originally Posted by Peni
Yesterday, I received an email from his former mistress that included a copied portion of an email he sent her from a secret email account apologizing for contacting her last week to "reminisce". She apparently told him she had no interest and he apologized and said he would not contact her again. So, I have been in a bit of a tail spin emotionally. We talked yesterday and he said he needs more from our marriage than I am currently giving him. He feels I am not enough of an emotional support for him and I am not there to listen to him. He says he needs something to change with us.
Don't put up with this, Peni. Do you realise that on being confronted about his betrayal, he blamed his choice to restart the affair on you, for not giving him enough in the marriage? Did he ever talk to you about how he felt about your marriage? Did he ever ask you to give him more emotional support and to listen to him? Did he ever tell you that he felt the urge to contact his OW, so that you knew how much your marriage was at risk?

It doesn't sound to me as if he did. Instead, it seems that he set up a secret email account (or had one all along) - which is a deliberate act, planned for and prepared. The reason for his attempt to restart the affair is not that you were letting him down; instead, it's that, like all of us, he is capable of letting someone other than his spouse meet his emotional needs - for sex, probably, and also for romantic thrills and excitement. However, rather than guard against this danger as he should have done, he made the deliberate decision to test the waters for another affair.

Originally Posted by Peni
He said he does not have feelings for this woman anymore and he knows it was stupid to contact her and he is sorry for it. I have been unable to talk much about things yet. I know many of you will say we can work through this and perhaps you are right, but my question is Should we? Is there a point where you should just accept that you cannot give your partner what they need and that there are too many red flags to go on? I am feeling pessimistic about the notion of a major trust setback and all those resurrected feelings of inadequacy. Anyway, thought I would see if I could get some insight here.
You are very correct to question whether you should attempt to work through this. The answer depends on whether you want to, but also, and much more, on whether your husband is willing to take the steps required to have a life that is so transparent that he would not be able to set up a secret email account and contact women, ever again.

Is he willing to do whatever it would take to rebuild your marriage? Does he show that kind of commitment today? If not, you need to cut him loose.


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Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Peni Offline OP
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I don't remember my posting name from years ago.
I do realize that my husband has again tried to blame me for trying to restart the affair. He has talked to me about his needs and we have worked on it. He has not been satisfied with my abilities. He did not tell me he was feeling an urge to contact the other woman again. Your statement that "he made the deliberate decision to test the waters for another affair" really hit home with me. He keeps saying he is sorry for his recent contact with the other woman and that it was a stupid, dumb mistake and that he has no feelings for her whatsoever. I have not had a chance to ask him today about his level of commitment. I am truly confused at this time. I don't understand his words versus his recent actions.
Choosing to stay in the marriage the last time around took a big toll on my psyche and made me question whether I had enough self-respect and confidence as a person. I'm afraid that this will have a negative effect on my emotional well being once again. The past affair was long-term and intense and included much deception and hurtfulness. I felt like I basically had to beg him to leave her and give our marriage a chance and was seriously derided for my deficiencies. As you can see, these recent developments are causing me to let these negative memories take hold. Also, the other woman's email to me yesterday was very personal and vulgar towards me and alluded to past sexual activities between them.

Peni #3006162 09/19/18 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Peni
IHe has talked to me about his needs and we have worked on it.


You should know that all the need meeting in the world will not overcome the behavior of someone who is trolling for action. It is quite obvious that your H is in the small minority of people who do not recover because they are actually out looking for action.

You could have met his needs 1000% and he would have still had an affair because he is looking for it. This program does not work for people like that. My suggestion would be to get a lawyer and get out of this before he completely wrecks your health. I predict this will be your future if you stay. So sorry. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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