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Joined: Mar 2018
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Since this year there has been divorce filed twice from husband, he had dismissed it. Now I am back in the same situation. Last Tuesday we had a conversation and I said sorry for the reactions on my part but he did not say sorry for his actions, I wasn't expecting it. The conversation was that I got his perspective was that he didn't do nothing, that it was all my reactions that he needs to think about it because he didn't feel that we are solid trying, he is tired of the limbo. I told him that his concern was that we had still living separately concerned him and I was thinking of what he had said of being perfectionist expectation there was unrealistic goals, I have thought about finish up the strategy plan of the calendar of household duties and we move in together. He said "no mama, we can't, he doesn't want to ". I confirmed what I understand that he doesn't want to work out on the relationship? He said yes... I asked him if there is another women? he said there absolutely not, there is a couple of ladies interested. He hasn't entertained that.
I was having a hard time with the choice that he doesn't want me as a wife. I had said good bye a dozen time in my mind, training myself to let go. On Last saturday I texted him would he like to have sex? He said he would like to. We did... I knew the consequences or the risk.
Schedule to meet Monday with the lawyer and I had texted him that if we could meet for 15 mins. He felt good about it.
He complimented on my looks. during us walking in the shopping center he glanced at a women sitting on her own. His ring is off since I am aware Saturday.
I told him how I feel of not regretting in 10 years because going there in the future we could keep practicing, now. I wanted hear more, clarify of his feelings and mine. I sense we are misunderstood. The whole conversation was him talking about how hard it has been emotionally for him in the past 4 years and he doesn't know how he could handle more conflicts moving forward. He said he needs think about it, this conversation had helped him get hope again in the marriage and that I have built a case for myself. I told him that I was never feeling that I am in limbo, I showed love differently and I am working on that. He said that if your telling me that you want answer. I said no, I am assuring him that I wasn't feeling that.
I was told that he is a nurturer by him he wants to give me a hug and kiss me, hold me. I responded that yeah...why wouldn't he? Come and do it...he told me that got him so happy and his other part is happy... I assured him that I am his. He has assured me that he did not have sex or have the energy to entertain the idea of going into the emotional relationship. We did have sex.

What is going on? Am I handling the situation properly? We both confirmed that we love each other. He wants more time...I am ok with this...what is that look like that would be respectable? What other questions I need ask? What do I need to say that would be appropriate in this?

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Hawaii, I have trouble understanding your post. The problem is that we never had your full story, either in this thread or the other one you created, about the term "ex lover".

Could you tell us your history with this man? How long have you been married to him? Is this a first marriage for both of you? How old are you both? Are there any kids? What has led to his filing for divorce? DId you coach with Dr Bill Harley, or did you use telephone coaching with his son, Steve? When was this? What advice were you given?


BW
Married 1989
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I�m sorry for the confusion, attaching the old posts. I thought I posted it as a new thread.
Husband- did not think his affair was called ex lover. I got hung up on the word and decline guessing myself, wanted to get assurance from somewhere.

The background is that we both have cheated. In the past. There is recovery and where we are?... it�s hard for me to tell he is sad when we are together, he and I does make effort to the requirements for extraordinary care and emotional protection plan to feel safe. He is sad when we get to the divorcing part with the papers. He doesn�t like conflicts. I don�t like talking about the past but I know it will help with the answers.

History of the �man� (I wasn�t sure if your asking about the affair?) affair that was most recent was in May 2017 he assist in managing one of the projects and we were one of the vendor that was hired to assist on the project, we met at work. He had a place to stay at the property till the project was completed and in his early 30�s. I didn�t think nothing would be happening, my husband and I wasn�t good terms I home, really tried! we were doing a networking business that would be getting to know others that would want to start their own business and would want mentoring. Took the man to the mountain to site seeing, they both seemed to get along. Husband and I at home for 3 weeks it built up, I would tell him that the business is not working out because of the opposite sex, I�m not feeling good about it. He insist he did enough precautions to make our marriage safe and protect himself. Husband was rude, he lied to me 2am in the morning coming into the house I asked him what�s he doing out side? He was yelling at me that he wasn�t. I detached from husband at that point, I don�t know how to snoop he didn�t like me seeing his phone. POJA wasn�t being followed 100%. I let my guard down, I met the guy after work, I asked him that I had a long drive to a party so is it okay for me to use his shower st his place. Instead of leaving right away, I stayed around to have a conversation and it lead to kissing. Then another incident because Husband said he for sure doesn�t want the relationship, I gave him and his parents time to move their things, it lead to sex with the man by the end of the week. Husband was wanting me back literally that same day sex happened with other man, then husband found out we had sex by showing up at the room. The process happened separating divorce was brought up but decided that we want each other in our lives since then 5 months living together husband and I have lived together making effort with Steve on following the POJA, emotional protection plan, without his parents living with us, it lead to divorcing March, his feedback was that (I was inconsistent mom, didn�t go to church, wanted to see his parents and family, disrespectful judgment, angry outbursts) he is completely out of the house along with his parents (his parents moved in on March during separation) Working on the relationship again April, I didn�t want him around the house for a bit, during separation husband took everything including fridge left, 1 plate, 1 week of clothes for the kids which it wasn�t what the kids like wearing so they came to me when it was my turn to watch the kids they were upset, their beds with no sheets, and couch. I was okay with him sleeping over (Steve wanted me to think about him moving together sooner than my goal 6 months) after while and he is around more in the house. It got to divorce filed July, (his feedback he wanted to live together, I�m not fully all in, I have disrespectful judgment, outburst, conflicts piles up it reminds him of the past and he thinks I will cheat on him) divorce dismissed end of July. Husband scheduled with Steve on the phone and I didn�t want to attend. I�m scared of he uses my vulnerability information later on as weapons.

Will be filing again this month, lead to this because I had taken off the tracking location off the phone, and put it back on, taking it off, I thought we weren�t conversing much because he knew where I was and if either of wanted to cheat it would happen people figure out how to hide things, I understood that it helped with the triggers. He wants to live together, fulfill the 15 hours UA (I do too) we have our own businesses, we were talking about conflicts too much for him, he said he needed time to think he told me he wanted a week and I asked for more affection, I wasn�t getting any messages affectionate anymore, he was rude telling updates instead of converse of the day, I started to feel alone, he said he is scared that living separated he will be comfortable with living independent lifestyle and which he is comfortable, after he told me he wants to relax go home, work, workout and lay low on spending, his friend calls him and he told me he is going out, (we are still living separately) I asked him okay is that relaxing? I got disappointed. I told him this isn�t love to me. I stopped talking to him and then I said sorry and eventually he didn�t talk, I assured him I want to have him as a husband, I�m not going to leave him. I was upset I blocked his number because I was afraid of what responses he would give me or not give me, I felt he had given up. I unblocked his number after 3 days I said sorry, he said he thought it was over between us. He said this reaction always seem to happen, it�s a pattern and he feels this is like in 2013 (first affair I had)
He isn�t following the emotional plan as he had before he won�t do a phone conference with an opposite sex talking about website 1-1 (he told me this yesterday) He said he would let me know in a couple of days of what the answer would be, right now waiting for husband answer to if he wants to have me as a wife.

We have 4 kids. First marriage for 11 years. I am 30 and he is 32.

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Thanks for getting back with this. However, i'm still finding it hard to follow what has happened. Could you try and describe it more simply?

How many affairs have you had, and when (in what year of marriage) were these? I'm asking the same about your husband. Have you both cut off contact with all these affair partners? Do you see them around town ever? What about the man who worked on the project with you - do you ever catch sight of him?

It sounds as if your husband might be involved with someone else right now. Why else wouldn't he go home and work on his marriage? He has 4 kids to think about.

Why are you (or why were you) unsure about moving back in together?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Mar 2018
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How many affairs have you had? >> 2
When (in what year of marriage) were these?>> March 2014 and May 2017
I'm asking the same about your husband. >> For sure the one that I caught Sept 2012.
Have you both cut off contact with all these affair partners?>> yes and have protection plan and strategy to avoid.
Do you see them around town ever?
>> yes. Like Lowe�s, OW periodically at church (he is also best friends with the bother)
What about the man who worked on the project with you - do you ever catch sight of him?
>> no he travels for his job.he has been gone. Blocked and erased phone number.

It sounds as if your husband might be involved with someone else right now. Why else wouldn't he go home and work on his marriage?
>> We have been separated since he moved out from 2nd filed divorce. I haven�t let us live together because I�m afraid of each other reaction without practicing we will be nice to each other. Inconsistent decision of the working it out or not is not what I want the kids to witness. I wanted us to hash everything out, create strategy together, practice and we get along we will move in.
He has 4 kids to think about.
>> we have been keeping the agreed 2 weeks taking turns.
Why are you (or why were you) unsure about moving back in together?
>> explained above and also the above long message.

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Any perspective?

Now it�s the 2nd day that he said he would give me an answer so that I am not in limbo. It�s night time already.
I�m starting to feel unsafe, thinking it�s too long, assuming he would have a women he is talking to... how long do I wait for an answer till I should think he is not thinking of me as a priority?
Do I ask if I can look at his phone? If I see him
He avoids texting affection and I am asking questions and when I saw him he says �i want to wait to answer�. I text him I love he doesn�t answer...
I feel it�s a game, toying me around.
What would you do, in my situation?
This behaviors a sign that he hanging on but he is talking to other women? In a emotional affair?

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He seems reluctant to commit to you, and that is a bad sign. In fact, I still don't understand why he keeps filing for divorce. You say that you are the one that has blocked moving back together because the two of you are not getting along well enough yet, but he does not sound distraught about this. This sounds like a man who no longer wants to be married.

It sounds very much like an affair; whether emotional or not makes no difference. But even if it isn't an affair, you should stop chasing him, and STOP giving him commitment-free sex.


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I agree with SugarCane. Can you hire a PI to find out if he is having an afair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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How would I go about finding a PI?

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Originally Posted by Hawaii1234
How would I go about finding a PI?
Try this Private Investigators


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you. There is only one on the island I live on and it�s the other side of the island the bill would already start $275 and setting up and labor it�s already at few hundreds, which they said it�s at the divorce stage I need to put my money towards the lawyer fee.
I will need to accept what it is. I am not having sex with him, I have taken off the share location on my phone. Until he is says going to work on this marriage... I really don�t think so...


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