Dear Forum Members!

English is not my first language so this will not be perfectly worded - and sorry, this is also very long. First of all, thank you for you have already given me much help and insights through your other posts! Now however, I need your help directly. I am in the strangest situation. I am 45 yrs old and married to my 42 yr old wife for 12 years and we have been together for almost 15. We have one son together (10) and one 21 year old daughter from my wife's first marriage that I adopted. I have done a lot of things horribly wrong in my marriage and I cant even list them here but also did some good and two things were never in question - that deep inside me the ultimate goal was to provide a good life for my family (I just always sabotaged it once I got my way) and my deep love and awe for my wife. However, I never was able to really show it to her on a consistent basis - but always readily took everything she tirelessly offered from her (almost) endless pool of love for me and the family. I was extremely selfish, careless and reckless and took advantage of her like a little kid. Most of all though, I walked through life without a care and zero responsibility for my action or my family. As a result, I put her through hell with some few excursions to marriage heaven. I actually understand that she is empty and has nothing left to give at this point. This brings me to this post.

Three weeks ago, she told me she is done with our relationship. She still loves me but that she is not in love with me anymore. She tells me she will always love me and that she always knew I loved her too and that she had so many great periods in our marriage that she is deeply grateful for. She tells me she will always stand by my side and that she will work with me to get things back on track (mostly financial - and our marriage excluded). There was already much distance for 6 month prior (with the occasional wonderful exception) but I thought it was due to stress and illness through her 50hrs a week job (during which time I happily did what I always did - make sure I do nothing and "skate through". She has given everything for this relationship and got little in return, her love-bank has finally run out. She told me that she came to this decision years ago but always decided to stick it out due to her love for me and the family - in turn she let me get away with murder (not literally).
Of course at first it was pure devastation and I cried, I begged, I broke down, I seriously thought about jumping off a bridge, I was a gonner. Then, a couple of days later this was replaced by deep thought and some devastating realizations about myself. Then suddenly tremendous calm and full clarity about what has happened and why. I took some immediate steps to take control of myself (also for the first time). I don't tell her about my changes or my plan (for fear the things this is yet again just a flash in the pan) and I do not fish for recognition. I try to show her ever day in small subtle hints of behavior, words, cares and understanding. I really really hurt a lot inside but I have taken full responsibility for my and her pain and I will not shame her into guilt for her decision.

Now, here is the thing though. My wife and I, together with our son, live together because we cannot afford to separate right away. The strangest thing is happening now...since I have concentrated on myself and are doing many many selfless things aimed at comforting my wife, it is so harmonious and strangely loving that I (if it were not for the divorce announcement) would actually think we are in the most wonderful mature and loving marriage - and the most wonderful version of it. We talk about everything (not about relationship - I explain that later) like never ever before (open, caring, listening), we play with our son, we laugh, cook and eat together, we joke about not having sex, we notice and compliment each other, we do separate things independently (although neither of us really has friends or hobbies). We hug a lot and sometimes she even touches my face and gives me a kiss on the cheek (mostly when she notices a different and positive behavior in me or to say good night). She even says she would move to a different city if its a nicer and better place for our son and us (and that after she moved countries and continents on my wish 3 times before and it always turned into a disaster). We just dont sleep in the same bed anymore and there is zero sexual intimacy (she said she has lost that a long time ago). But never ever have I felt so much love for my wife and personal well being when I do something for her (and of course for me in the process) - if this right now would actually be the marriage (+ the currently missing parts) I would look back at on my death bed, I would die a happy man.

However, whenever things get too "happy-ish" or too close, she brings out the hammer and in the most matter of fact way (not mean or loud, just dead serious) and explains to me that we can be "best" friends and have an awesome time in the future but that the marriage will end as soon as things are back on track. She then proceeds to tell me that she thinks I am a handsome a good man and that I will find another loving woman (she only demands that I find one that is good to me and our son) - she says she is done with relationships. Every she says that I die a little inside. Anyway, it always takes me by surprise because in those close moments, I actually have hope and unrelenting desire to make this work. Moments after she says those things, we are back to being loving and caring for each other. Her biggest point is that we always been wrong for each other - too much love and too much enabling the other to do the wrong thing in order to not upset the harmony or the other person. Her thinking is that once we separate, both of us can become the best version of ourselves. Of course I know she mostly means herself now (which I understand) but I do believe that she genuinely thinks I will be better off without her (which I wont ever). But this love-filled situation is so bizarre and strange that I honestly dont know what to make of it - one the one side I hope that this was my wake up call in life (certainly feels like that and I have never taken full responsibility for me and past and the future), that I will continue my positive transformation and that my marriage has a chance - on the other I fear that this is just an assisted but prolonged death that will surely and inevitably come? Is this a closed case or will time tell? Or is she this way because she is at peace with her decision now and since I did not attack her for it (once I was passed the sobbing baby phase), she does not see the need to attack me either - hence a peaceful (and yes loving) togetherness for the final moments of our marriage. I of course with every cell in my body, hope and are committed that there will be a chance.
I also should mention (not as a desperate attempt to find an explanation but because it is a fact) that my wife is not in a good place. She had to take over the breadwinner position in our family about 1.5 years ago...she is successful in what she does but her job is the most demanding environment and it is slowly killed her (I have a part time job and raise our son in her "absence" at work but for the last to years but have some very promising career options coming up). She just has no way of changing it right now because of the situation we are in. She also ticks every box and then some in the "Am I in a midlife crisis checklist" including depression and all the rest. But since she told me about leaving me and because of the way we live right now, she is slowly coming out of it. I see a noticeably improvement in her overall well being.
I am reaching out to you because your insights have so far been proven to be invaluable and I hope that some of you will have some insights to share for me too.

Does anyone see a hope here or do I have to prepare for a live without her?

Thank you!

"She still loves me but that she is not in love with me aymore."

This line tells us she is in love with someone else. If not, she would not have known, now she compared feelings she has for you with those for another.

With someone else in the picture, you cannot save this. First step: Who is this other man, do they work together?

Hello what, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is very likely your wife is having an affair, which is why she wants to separate. The comment "She still loves me but that she is not in love with me aymore" means she has a new point of comparison. I would not ask her, but quietly start snooping to see what is going on. Once you find out, come back and we will help you save your marriage.

I was afraid that a suggested affair would be the first response...here is why I highly doubt it. We just moved to the US a year and a half ago after having been 6 years in one country and 5 years in another. Since our return, my wife has nothing but worked, came home completely exhausted and crushed into bed. She never went out by herself or did anything that would suggest she spent her time not doing what she said why she would leave the house (hair dresser, manicure, shopping etc.) - by any stretch of the imagination, there would have been no time to do this. We also always were in constant contact through out the day and (knowing my wife the way I do) there is no way she could maintain a conversation with me after she would have done something improper...NOW...here is however where I think there is some truth...my wife is in luxury high ticket sales and it is mostly highly successful men who are customers...my wife is also extremely attractive (although she now says she no longer is) - I am talking model beautiful...of course she is getting a lot of attention and sometime gifts and "improper invites" - but she would always tell me about it, this is also something that was there our entire marriage and never faced her...so I do think that she has a way of contrasting my (rather unsuccessful) performance in life and the attention I give her to something she gets from outside our marriage. By nature of the business, she is also surrounded by confident A-type personalities (man and very independent women) that are quite the contrast to the careless and irresponsible man she had at home. Don't get me wrong, I know it is not about the money/richness itself (of course she wishes for some stability and not having to deal with the stress of debt) - throughout our marriage we have experienced an abundance of money and debt. I think it is more this contrast of how a man dedicates himself to a cause (work, marriage, etc.) - and hence can afford the items she has to sell...rather than the example I have set in our live of skating through on intelligence (now questionable) alone and that she just doesnt see things getting any more stable with the way I am...that's why she says that she thinks I will be better off without her: though her love, understanding and forgiveness, she has allowed me to continue to avoid responsibility and be careless in life (because there never were any consequences - only love understanding and a hole lot of her nurturing after I crashed into depression having yet squandered another opportunity). When we returned to the US she "knew what needed to be done to have this family survive" on the most basic level (food, apartment, clothing, necessities for our son, etc.) for that she rolled up her sleeves, went to work after 10 years being home, learned and dedicated herself tirelessly and to the bring of complete break down...and she continues to do that...I until right now, has not shown this kind of resolve for the well being of our family...excuses here, excuses there, logical explanations why not etc...I think this is the real reason why she gave up believing...but that still leaves me in the situation we are in right now and which is so confusing to me...because I do not know if despite everything I will get a last chance or if this is done done done and over with...just a loving and respectful way to go into the night...

I understand you don't want to believe it and we sympathize with you. But I can almost assure you she is having an affair. Nothing you said here would change anyone's mind. Of course she has plenty of time to have an affair, she is at work all day. That is how workplace affairs occur. The first thing you need to do is spy on her and find out what she is doing. The advice we give you will be drastically different if there is an affair.

Understood, I will do that...one question though, how do I reconcile her wanting to move to another city (and I am talking across the country) if there is indeed an affair...she actually researched cities like Denver, Miami, Austin and SanDiego, told me all about them and encouraged me to also look there (as recently as two days ago)...better for our son and us...she said she would want to move...first again in a common apartment and then separately once she was established but always close by because she wants to be part of my and our son's life...my wife is also an extremely strong willed person when she wants to and I know she would have packed her bags and move to her brother and live the affair in the open rather than coming home, fake niceness and keep it secret...but again, I will see if there is anything I can find out...

In the meantime, I would appreciate some comments about my actual question whether the way we are living right now (as described in my first post) is actually unusual or if it is common and whether such behavior would indicate a likelihood that this marriage can be saved or a clear indicator that it is over. I understand the implications of a potential affair but as said, I objectively highly doubt that this is the case...maybe an emotional one but I would almost certainly outrule a physical one (at least an ongoing one - I am not out ruling a prior one off-indiscretion). Thank you.

Her affair partner is likely moving there.


What it means is that she wants to enjoy the comforts of marriage while she pretends to be "separated." A very common ploy by someone in an affair. It is another RED FLAG.


You are the least objective person on this thread. Nor do you have any experience seeing the signs. People who are familiar with affairs can see red flags all over your situation.

.
But you can't rule out anything unless you know the facts. You don't know the facts, nothing should be ruled out at this point.

]
Your marriage can be saved if you can follow a plan. There are no guarantees but we will help you take steps that will give you the best chance. The sooner you find out the truth, the greater your chances of saving your marriage.

It is critically important that you not ask or accuse her of having an affair. Be discreet and quietly snoop on her.

it could be she is having an affair...it could be that 1) She is the breadwinner 2) You don't do anything around the house, even if she is sick 3) You didn't converse with her or meet any needs. 4) You made her move countries with no benefit 5) You sabatoged things.

You need to ask yourself: Why WOULD she want to be married to you? What are you bringing to the table? What needs are you meeting?

Now that she says she is going to go...suddenly you are trying to meet her needs? She is skeptical. She is setting boundaries.


I would say to keep trying to meet her needs. Either you will fill her love bank and cause her to fall in love with you again or you will get good practice for your next relationship. You will model how a husband should treat a wife to your son.

When I had a divorce with my husband, he hid some important informations that I had to find out with the help of an hacker.