I live in New Jersey and law seems hopeless 😌

Also. Almost 12 weeks of exposure and my wife is very consistent in asking for divorce to save her pride. As per her exposing paved her way to go out. This was hidden so she was ashamed of taking this step.

Her threat that exposure "paved her way" out of the marriage is her way of trying to get you to STOP. The problem is that you stopped too soon. If you stop too soon the result is a continued affair and a ticked off wayward spouse. You need to keep it up until you are done. Exposure can sometimes kill the affair on the spot and in other cases it hastens its death. So, I would not stop. I would get it finished up on his side. From what you said earlier, she and the OM have been lying to others about the state of your marriage. That sounds to me like her plan is to EASE him into her life and vice versa. She probably planned on divorcing you and just easing him into her life after you were gone.

Exposure is still your most powerful weapon. I would expose to his family and close friends. Ask his parents for their help in keeping their dirtbag son away from your wife. Enlist their help! You said that your children know. Do they know the full truth? Do they know WHO the OM is?

And most importantly, I would present the best possible face to her. Let her know you are very hurt by her affair, but look for opportunities to meet her needs. As her affair dies off, you need to be the best place to land while she sobers up.

Some good strategies might be to go with your inlaws and pay a visit to this rat. I would also reach out to his Xwife and fill her in on what you know. She has a right to know everything since their marriage busted up over this affair.

I exposed the affair to our friend circle (6 families). On the OM side, this was exposed to her mother, brother, and sister. I also exposed to a couple of his friends who said that they do not want to interfere. I few people know in his community but they did not do anything other than gossip. So I have stayed away from telling more people. in my neighborhood of 9 homes, only 1 knows. I have not informed her office. I was thinking of calling them as she is using office premise to contact the OM. Please advise!


I will call the OMs mother again and ask her to stop him. I know the OM is having a fight with her mother over this issue. My kids know this person since they were born. He is my friend from college days.


Her response is simply - I don's care. You care for your problem and I will mine. She has turned into absolute stone. She gets really abusive in the spur of the moment and starts ranting. She gets abusive towards my family too. Her mother sometimes fuels to the fire.


I will ask but I am not very hopeful.


I reached out to her lat week. She has nothing much to offer except this person was always unfaithful to her even at the time they were dating. She has 15 years of marriage but given up marriage after 5 years.

I don't have any PLAN A or B at this time.

I am reading the Surviving An Affair. Looks like my wife has found her seemingly soul mate similar to Jon and Sue. Though this person is a known womanizer among the friend circle here.

Have you told the OM to leave your WW alone? Read
“I Encourage BHs to confront OM” per Dr. Harley

Yes, I did that on DDay itself. After that I caught him sending emails to my wife's work email account. And called her twice in front of me hoping that I am not around. Now my unfaithful spouse has hardened her stand by changing password blocking access to her iPhone. Any attempt to see her phone results in an argument. She says in the plain words that let go and file for mutual consent divorce. She wants kids to know that divorce was a mutual agreement. Getting it real difficult to handle her.

Quick Update: I was working at 2 AM last night and my wayward spouse came to my room to see me with tears in her eye.

She started saying that I have started packing and will be leaving soon. I asked her to come and sleep with me. She did not come, so I went to her bed and started talking. I told her what she is feeling and I am not pushing her to leave home. She kept insisting that our time for marriage is over and so on. I kept advising her to start working on the marriage. She mentioned that her dad has now come to an understanding that she will leave and mom is still opposing. She continued to say that if I had not told our friends, she would have continued. I told her that based on what I know, you are not leaving because of friends knowing but your inability to let the AP go. I advised her to stop seeing or talking to him immediately. Staying together is best for us and the kids.

I tried to hug her after almost 6 weeks. She still remained resistant but allowed me to keep one hand on her. I woke up early and tried to hug her again but she remained resistant. I was amazed last night that she for the 1st time after exposure in spoke in a milder tone. She continued to say - let me go. more later.

Gname, I need you to READ the article "What is Plan A and Plan B" so you will understand the concepts. For the time being, you need to focus on being as kind as possible. Don't lecture her. Just tell her that you don't want a divorce, that you want to have a great marriage and that you know this can happen if she will end her affair and cut all contact with the OM. Just be a broken record.

You need to be SURE that your children understand the truth, that she is leaving to pursue her affair. Don't let her lie to your children. I would sit them down and speak to them NOW [ALONE] and tell them why your wife wants a divorce. Encourage your children to speak to her openly since this affects their lives greatly.

I would also tell her that your children will not be allowed to be around the OM since he is a bad man. Let her know that if this goes to divorce you will have this stipulated in the custody agreement.

P.S. I know it is upsetting, but I want to encourage you to hang in there. If she does move out, her affair will die a faster death. It has been thriving on secrecy for a very long time and now it is out in the open. If they move in together, it will kill the affair even faster. If you are reading Surviving an Affair, you know that Jon and Sue reconciled and have a great marriage to this day. Even if she does file for divorce, it is not over. All you need to do is stand back while her affair crumbles. I assure you it is crumbling now.

I would encourage you to enlist your in-laws. Let them know this marriage is very salvageable and that your wife's affair won't last. Ask them to support their daughter in doing the right thing, not the wrong thing. They can help tremendously if they would reach out to this OM and tell him he will never be welcomed in their family.

Once again, 95% of affairs die within the first 2 years. The ones that make it to marriage end up in divorce within 5 years. Let your inlaws know that there is no future in this affair. And make sure your wife knows he has had other affairs according to his wife.

Can someone link him the Wayward Fog post where a FWW explains how Waywards think?

It helped me a lot, and my FWW read it a year into recovery and was dumbstruck and ashamed at how accurate it was.

Gname - you got your homework, learn this stuff, plan A or plan B as needed but you need to understand them, when to use which one, and the importance of 100% commitment to the whichever plan you are implementing.

Learn, decide, commit.

Learn what the options are (read Melody's links)
Decide which option is best for where you at
Commit to executing it

Don't take personally anything your WW says right now. She is literally a heroin addict with a monkey on her back who blames you for withdrawal. Recognize it's not your wife talking. It's a WW, and those are awful, hurtful creatures, but it's not your wife.

Gname, you are doing a great job but it sounds as if this is a hole you have not yet plugged. They own a business together? You will have to unwind this asap.

Thank you all for the support. I had a long conversation with their parents. They are not very uncomfortable talking to her AP. So that road is blocked for now. In my conversation with them y'day, they are very upset that I disclosed her affair to friends and not that is spreading other places. Her dad was upset to the extent of being rude and I had to calm her down and address the issue. My WS told me y'day that her father has understood that she is ready to move out but the mother is still not there. I told them y'day that if at all they give in, and future consequences will be their lookout. I will have no choice but to move on.

I spoke to my WS y'day and she said she can't promise not talking to the AP. Last evening she was telling my younger daughter why she is giving her a hard time when she is in this home only for a few weeks. I ignored... FYI... she sleeps in other room. I go in the morning for 10 mins and try to cuddle her and sleep. She was resisting a lot earlier and she continues to do the same but not as much. She continues to talk that I will be leaving soon so don't do. I told her no worries when she leaves, all these will stop anyways. I also told her I am prepared to move on if she is not going to stay.

Please let me know if I need to change or stop any of the above behavior. Thank you!

Gname, you are doing fantastic but I would not tell her you are prepared to move on. Don't cooperate with her divorce/separation talk at all. You need to be a broken record. Just tell her that you don't want a divorce, that you want to have a great marriage and that you know this can happen if she will end her affair and cut all contact with the OM. Just be a broken record. This will not happen fast, so you need to be strategic and PATIENT. BE on your very best behavior.

I would also have a private chat with your father in law and tell him that exposure is the greatest weapon against an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. Tell him Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair says
and

Print up this article and give it to him: WHEN SHOULD AN AFFAIR BE EXPOSED
Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD DON'T show any of this to your wife or argue with her about it.

In the meantime, have you had a private chat with your children yet?

What is she waiting on for her move out? What is her plan? Has she seen an attorney?

She wants to move to our rental apt in the neighboring township. She wants 50% of the kids time. She talks about the kid's future plan. She says moving out this year will be better as the elder one will go to high school next year.

She says she doesn't want any alimony. She also says that she is not meant to be alone so eventually she will go to her AP. She has seen the bright side of life and would like to be there.

She may not have seen attorney but her AP has gone through the divorce so she sometimes talks broken legal language.

Why do you think she has not moved out yet? I think there has been a plan in place for a long time for them to end up together but for some reason she is dragging her feet. Do you know why?

ALSO, if she does file for divorce I would suggest you get legal representation and get an agreement in place. Not for the reason of getting divorced [you can drag it out] but so you will have good legal protection. Negotiating a divorce with a fogged out wayward works in your favor. See how she is ready and willing to forfeit alimony?

How do your kids feel about the fact that she is breaking up their family for her affair? How do they feel about her adultery partner? Are you having discussions with them?