You do realize this is a major problem, right?

Good job!!

Of course I do. I've tried limiting the amount of time our children spend together and keeping them out of each other's homes. Somewhat successful here.

Of course I know that the close proximity is a major problem.

What is successful about this? Your kids should have nothing to do with their family at all. Your kids will understand why because kids usually have common sense. This affair has been the worst thing that has ever happened to you and to the OM's wife. [and to your kids!] There should be no contact with their family. Association with this family has been a disaster to your family.


It is so major that your marriage will NEVER recover with him so close because she will be perpetually triggered - and so will you. At some point, regardless of how this turns out, you are going to have to move. If this does ever get to divorce, I would make certain that you liquidate this house and get your kids out of that neighborhood altogether.

Melody, I'm working on disconnecting the kids. Slowly I've been reducing the amount of time the kids spend together. I'll be honest, completely separating the kids feels like it's punitive to them and that will be what my wife will say when I finally do tell my boys no contact.

I see your point, but know that I am catching up with you thinking wise. I haven't fully processed all of this including the importance of separating the kids. Just this weekend did it fully occur to me that having the OMs boys in our probably triggers my wife's feelings for the OM.

I will sort the kids out this week. Probably take them to dinner to have a conversation about cutting ties. I'm not sure how to deal with the inevitable question, "why do we lose our friends because mom wants to divorce?".

ONCE AGAIN, feelings are not truth. You are not a teenager, DrD.

It is punishing them by staying in contact AT ALL because it threatens their family. Trust me, most kids have more common sense than adults about this and fully understand why this is neccessary. Allowing this contact just minimizes the impact of infidelity to THEM. That is not the lesson you send to kids. I can fully understand why your wife wants to keep the families in contact, she wants the constant reminder of her affair partner. But you are not so inflicted. You need to shut this down. Every time your wife sees her boyfriend's kids she will be triggered. She is already perpetually triggered so there is no reason to aggravate the problem. Just shut this down.



"Because your mom and Mr Dirtbag had an affair. He has no respect for marriage." The solution is to stay away from his family so he can't cause any more harm." KIDS UNDERSTAND THIS USUALLY. Typically, kids have sanity and common sense at this age because they haven't yet been utterly morally confused by adults.

If the OM is not good enough for you and your wife to associate with, why would you allow your kids to be exposed to him? Look at what he has done to their family? When the fox gets in the henhouse, you don't try to make friends with him, YOU KICK HIM OUT!

I'm not being argumentative, but trying to open my mind and look at this differently than I otherwise would. You know my instincts drive me away from conflict.

The issues I see here are:

1) My boys are going to be very upset. The OMs boys didn't cause this between our families. As you mention above, allowing the boys to be in contact minimized the impact of the affair on them. Therefore, separating maximizes the impact.

I'm struggling maybe because in the back of my mind I have bought my wife's version of this... The affair happened and it's now over and shes still going to divorce me. Hence, the OM has nothing to do with the divorce.

On the other hand, you and others fully see this as the divorce being driven by the affair and of we end the affair, then reconciliation can be achieved.

Here's the thing, she's told me that she knows the OM will never leave his wife. Is she giving me a story which allows her to maintain an illusion of the affair not driving the divorce or does she really believe he isn't available? Keep in mind that she also said she'd never divorce me, but here we are.

2) Enforcement. I'll need to work with the OMW and she's not supportive of disconnecting the boys. My wife won't be amenable and therefore can't be counted on send the OMs boys home or to not allow our boys to go there.

That makes no sense. Keeping this stark reminder of the affair around does not help their parents recover. The most important thing to your boys is healthy, emotionally balanced parents. They can't have that with chronic reminders of the affair haunting their parents.


Being around the OM's children would be like YOU being around the children of your rapist if you were a woman. How does it feel to you to see the OM's children in your home? You are the victim here. How does that feel to you? How does it feel for you to see your children playing with the children of the man who helped wreck your marriage and your children's family?

It's not relevant to this issue, but the OM has everything to do with the divorce. That is evidenced by her actions. But let's say he didn't. Let's say she had actually filed for divorce BEFORE she ever met this dirtbag. Would you want your children around a married man who had an affair with their mother? Is that the kind of role model you want for your children? With their mother, they are stuck with her. They have no control over that. But as a sane responsible parent, YOU DO have control over other adults in their lives.


It seems to me like no one here has basic common sense. Surely you can understand that your family needs to disconnect from this family for life? As long as your children play together, you and your wife will be forever triggered and forever in a position to speak to their parents. That is insane. There are no "friendships" that are worth that. Your children have other friends.

Thanks, Melody. As noted above, I'm not trying to be argumentative. But I am trying to work through this in my head. You've provided some clarification around my points and questions. I'll be right back after processing.

Please don't suggest that we don't have common sense. I obviously don't think like you, which means my questions and comments will appear odd to you. That doesn't mean I lack common sense.

Here is what I do think. I think your wife's fog has influenced your thinking to a degree. I understand you are under great duress, though, and I appreciate you bringing this here so we can help you with reality testing. To an outside observer it really is surprising that your first instinct about associating with the OM's family wouldn't be to just end it immediately. Surprising, BUT, understandable.

I would frame it like this with your kids: your wife's affair is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Cutting off all contact with this family is critically important to both families to make sure the affair doesn't ever start again. Staying in touch with the kids just keeps the association open and serves of a constant reminder of the greatest tragedy in your life.

Have you thought about what would happen if OM or OM's wife need to be contacted because of something concerning the kids? What if you need to pick up your kids at his house? What if the OM or his wife need to pick up his kids? What if they want to have sleep overs? Their friendships with these kids keep your families married in a very, very toxic situation and serve as a constant reminder to all involved.

Totally screwed up the banking. Changed my direct deposit and started a savings transferred. My wife then paid our joint credit card and it bounced. Now Ive had to transfer money from savings to cover.

She still doesn't know I set up my own acct and changed my direct deposit because she has been having trouble accessing our account.

This morning before work I told her that we'd take time tonight to get her logged in to our joint accr and I'll let her know about my new acct and the change to direct deposit. We'll also have to discuss a new approach to our biweekly budgeting so that I have sufficient time to transfer money from my acct to our joint acct.

Starting to worry a bit because the spyware I installed on her phone has sent a location report since late this morning. This hasn't happened before. Now maybe her phone died or she turned it off or maybe she got some help at the cell phone store and they factory reset it...

That was my first instinct, though I thought about the boys and couldn't do it. But I understand your reasoning. I just want to make sure I frame it so my boys don't think I am punishing them and have to make sure they comply so that my wife doesn't have to enforce.

That was my first instinct, though I thought about the boys and couldn't do it. [/quote]

That is what I thought. Your instincts were exactly right and I bet they usually ARE. I bet you are in the habit of talking yourself out of things. The problem is that when you are under duress it is hard to employ clear thinking sometimes. I appreciate that you brought it up and are addressing it with them.

I'm pretty sure my wife found the installed spyware. It was listed on her apps list on her phone but is no longer there. I'll have to confirm with the spyware company.

How about a VAR in her car or room? Or having that girlfriends adress checked out while you suspect her to be there.

For my elderly parents, I use a baby monitor app. If you can leave a phone with powerbank and internet access around, you can listen in. In settings you can turn off notices, so it is not visible in the status bar. And if the phone screen is locked the app cannot be turned off. The powerbank or other energy source prevents apps and Wi-Fi from closing down while the phone is in sleep modus.

Does this mean you can access her phone? Can you just reinstall? I am surprised it is showing on her apps list!

Does the OM's wife work? Since you live 2 blocks from the OM, what would stop her from going to his house while you are working? What would stop him from coming to your house while you are at work?