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Ewrsw #3011510 12/15/19 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
But I agree. I'm going to stay in NY. Give it a shot and sharpen my skills for when I do go back home.
You need to get out of there quickly. He might be very nasty to you when he realises you have made up your mind. Indeed, given what you've told us about his insults and disregard for you, he might even tell you to get the heck out and throw out your stuff.

When are you looking at the new accommodation?


BW
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I'm going to go tomorrow. But I'm leaving Thursday for two weeks to go back home. He is actually supposed to fly down a few days later to help me drive the car back. I am hoping that I can make arrangements tomorrow, lay low and pray that he doesn't do anything horrible. I will move then into a new place the second week in January, when I get back 🤞


Laura Misa
Ewrsw #3011513 12/15/19 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
I'm going to go tomorrow. But I'm leaving Thursday for two weeks to go back home. He is actually supposed to fly down a few days later to help me drive the car back. I am hoping that I can make arrangements tomorrow, lay low and pray that he doesn't do anything horrible. I will move then into a new place the second week in January, when I get back 🤞

But please don't give him a hint of your plans. A person with anger issues is not to be trusted. Can you keep up the pretence that all is well until the moment you move out?

Maybe change the car plan to reduce the time you spend with him. You could say you had found a brilliant way to get it to NY without driving it. There are car transporter companies that will move a car on a flatbed for about the same cost as driving it if you include the hotels and food, saves putting the mileage on the car too.

I'm guessing most of the NY Florida traffic is the other way at this time of year so you might get quite a bargain.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Ewrsw #3011516 12/16/19 12:23 PM
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I want to discuss the situation you are in. Why did you move in with him without being married to him?

It might seem, on the face of it, like a lucky escape that you are NOT married to him, because you can leave quickly without any ties. However, it is never a good idea to live with someone who hasn't committed to you. Okay - there is no legal headache when you need to leave, but neither is there any protection for you as things stand. I'm not so worried about his becoming violent, in the sense of physically attacking you, but having read the horrifying things he has called you - a freeloader looking for a sugar daddy - I can't see how he would react to finding out that you want to leave with anything other than spite and anger. Would he give you time to find a place? Would he leave you in peace until you moved out? Or would he verbally abuse you and tell you to get your **** out of his house, and sling it out for you?

You've put your self in a position where you have no rights to the place you live, and no legal protection against being made homeless. You've given up everything in your home state for a precarious existence with a verbal abuser; it's very lucky that you have such a valuable job, and that you can now build on that.

You describe your marriage as having left you with no credit score, no employment skills and no financial assets. Well, now you're in your 50s, and you need to build up all those things for yourself - and you can do that. But you will never do that if you ever again give up your security for a man who offers you nothing, and who lives thousands of miles from your home. That simply wasn't a sensible thing for a divorced 50-something woman to have done.


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Boy are you right. I don't know why I chose to move in with him, not being married to him. But I'm glad now that I didn't jump into marriage. I feel like I've been floundering around for quite a few years now. I guess I wanted to settle down. Again, I know I've failed. And it hurts to say that.
Living_well, I am not going to say anything to him. And I think we would be able to handle the drive back. At least he's not going down to FL with me. I have about a week to myself and the fam.

Right now he is quiet. My Mom spoke with him. (He called her). He said he sorry he had behaved this way and he doesn't know why he acts this way. He says he doesn't want to lose me. My Mom said he could benefit from some anger management counseling. And that she knows her kid, and I will walk.
He later apologized to me. Said he wants to make it work. But I'm already checked out. You all have helped me to see things that I haven't fully dealt with.
Now the bigger question is, what is wrong with me??? Why have I not been able to get it right? Either with someone or alone.


Laura Misa
Ewrsw #3011523 12/17/19 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
Right now he is quiet. My Mom spoke with him. (He called her). He said he sorry he had behaved this way and he doesn't know why he acts this way. He says he doesn't want to lose me. My Mom said he could benefit from some anger management counseling. And that she knows her kid, and I will walk. .
Why would he have ever had this conversation with your mother? Why would he call his fiancée's MOTHER in Florida to say that he is sorry he behaved that way? He must have called her because he suspects your plans to leave, and he is scoping out how much she knows. For her to have said that "she knows her kid, and I will walk" is worrying. That does not bode well for your being able to keep a lid on your plans.

I'm worried about the way you are handling this. Obviously, it is in your interests to keep quiet about your intentions until you have found a suitable place to live and have moved your car, but from his point of view, he might well be furious. Why should he allow you to use him until you are ready to leave? A few meaningless words and you throw away a whole future - but you want to freeload off him while you set yourself up? Well, you can think again!

THAT might well be how he would see things if your plans are uncovered. I can't emphasise enough the need for you to keep your own, and your mother's mouth SHUT about your strategy.

Originally Posted by Ewrsw
Now the bigger question is, what is wrong with me??? Why have I not been able to get it right? Either with someone or alone.
My dear, there is nothing wrong with you. There is no point in your spending time asking this question. We're all very susceptible to falling in love with someone who meets our most important emotional needs.

I don't know what went wrong in your marriage; it sounds as if there was an affair. That doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you. With this relationship, it seems that you ignored some significant red flags about his abusive language and accusations towards you, and gave up your life in Florida without his commitment to marriage. In future, you need to date several people and not settle on someone who does not take your feelings into account - and do not live with them without the commitment of marriage.


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This forum has probably changed a lot since you were last here (2003-ish). For the last few years it has become a kind of schoolroom where we read and dissect Dr Harley's published work, and digest the advice he gives on the daily radio show. Because we have used it in our own marriages with great success - or we can see where using it, had we known about it, would have made a significant difference - we recommend his advice, and only his, to those that post here.

In this article Fear of Marriage Dr Harley writes:

"...besides logic and passion, there are two other factors that are crucial in creating a successful marriage: Willingness to change and mutual respect.

Joyce and I could never have had a lifetime of love if I had persisted in my pre-marriage attitude of independence. I wanted to live my life the way I saw fit, and I wanted Joyce to join me in my great adventure. But thankfully, that's not the way things turned out. I could not have met Joyce's most important emotional needs and avoided hurting her unless I was willing to change to accommodate her feelings and interests. As you probably know, I'm not a survivalist; I rarely hunt and fish; I don't ride horses and don't play chess anymore. I don't miss any of it because I have something far more important: A great marriage.

The other crucial factor is mutual respect. Almost all premarital counselors would agree that listening to the way an engaged couple discuss a conflict is a great way to predict marital success. If either person expresses disrespect for the other person's opinions or ways of expressing themselves, the risk of divorce after they marry is very great. If, on the other hand, they try to understand each others opinions respectfully, and discuss ways that they can accommodate them, the prognosis is good for a happy marriage
."

I recommend that you read this article to further understand what I mean about walking away from "his abusive language and accusations towards you" and not marrying "someone who does not take your feelings into account".

You would benefit from reading the entire series entitled Preparing for Marriage.


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Remember when I told you that when my mom and Uncle were in town, he displayed his full on anger in front of them. He and my Mom do talk occasionally on the phone. She's been very honest in telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. That he needs anger management counseling. I am thinking he was feeling remorseful and wanted her advice.
I agree that my Mom said too much. I have told her to zip it moving forward. We need to keep it under wraps.

I found an apartment. Looked at it last night. I'm going to be moving in after I get back. Second week in January or first of February. So I'm the meantime I'm being cordial. There's no drama. I'm packing and leaving on two days. So I'm pretty occupied with that and making sure everything is squared away at work. When I get home, I watch a little tv and go to bed.
I lined up people up help me move when I get back. I just haven't told him. And not going to until I return.

And yes, my former husband had an affair. With a 17 year old he was pursuing while he was down in Cuba doing "humanitarian work". He brought her up when she was legal and married her. She's 6 years older than me oldest child. Although we all are doing much better now as a family (the kids and I) but the scars still run deep. But that was then. A long time ago now


Laura Misa
Ewrsw #3011527 12/17/19 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
Remember when I told you that when my mom and Uncle were in town, he displayed his full on anger in front of them. He and my Mom do talk occasionally on the phone. She's been very honest in telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. That he needs anger management counseling. I am thinking he was feeling remorseful and wanted her advice.
I forgot that you told us that. It does explain why he would speak to her.

Originally Posted by Ewrsw
And yes, my former husband had an affair. With a 17 year old he was pursuing while he was down in Cuba doing "humanitarian work". He brought her up when she was legal and married her. She's 6 years older than me oldest child. Although we all are doing much better now as a family (the kids and I) but the scars still run deep. But that was then. A long time ago now
In any future marriage, every decision would be taken using the Policy of Joint Agreement. And one important thing you would have to jointly agree is that you would never spend nights apart.

Affairs are rife in marriages where one spouse works away from home, whether for just a night or two every few weeks, as my husband did, or for long periods of time, as it seems your husband did while doing humanitarian work. Being away from one's spouse and with other people makes it just too easy to let one of those other people meet our emotional needs. All of us would eventually have an affair under those conditions.

Please read
The Love Bank and The Policy of Joint Agreement


BW
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Ewrsw #3011528 12/17/19 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
I found an apartment. Looked at it last night. I'm going to be moving in after I get back. Second week in January or first of February.
I'm really glad to hear this - but why the long gap between the two dates? If it can't be the second week of January, why not the third? Why wait two to three more weeks until February?

I'm really worried about your staying with him for that much longer.


BW
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Ewrsw #3011530 12/17/19 08:54 PM
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No, no... I'm just trying to coordinate the logistics. It could be sooner. This is happening. The complex offers a generous discount for the first 3 months in a little sliding scale.

It's just that my head is swirling. No joke. I have a surgery scheduled the second week of January. I plan to push back. (carpel tunnel).

I have one month exactly before a major fashion show that is happening at my work due to my planning, and their faith in me to pull it off.

I know you remind me that I bring things back to work, but this is what's going on. I'm building relationships in the community. And ask if this stuff is happening at once!!!

I'm OUT. Not lying. Scared as all get out. I haven't told my kids. Really not planning to right now. But this is what's happening, all the while trying to fly down and spend the holidays with my babies


Laura Misa
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Thank you. And I will.


Laura Misa
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