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#3011468 12/12/19 10:52 AM
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After finally overcoming the most tumultuous divorce and watching the impact it had on my now grown children, I am in a relationship and finally engaged.

The person I am involved with is a Christian man. And let me tell you, that is EVERYTHING I've always prayed for in a relationship. He truly loves the Lord and displays that in his daily actions.

I met him in Florida and after much discussion I decided to move up to NY to be with him. He had a business here that he is looking to wind down and sell, then we'll go back to Florida. Meanwhile, I found an amazing job that has not only lifted my spirits, but given me new opportunities that I never imagined could happen to me. (All of the Lord)!

Here's my problem. And I need help desperately because I don't know anybody here and have no one to confide in. My fiance has BAD anger issues. He even displayed them in front of my Mother and Uncle when they were visiting us. He says I don't contribute anything, yet I work an extremely large thrift chain and have furnished our condo. I pay him biweekly an agreed amount, groceries, etc. He hits below the belt. And ouch.

Since I'm new to the area and don't know where to go. I don't have much to get me into an apartment if I leave. AND, the only reason keeping me here is my killer job. (Pay not too high, but rewarding). My kids and granddaughter are home in Florida and I don't have a job or apartment to go home to either. And finally, I need to stay until end of February to collect a bonus that I earned from the previous year.

Can anyone advice? Sorry so long


Laura Misa
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
...I am in a relationship and finally engaged.
Welcome to MB.

This statement:

Originally Posted by Ewrsw
And let me tell you, that is EVERYTHING I've always prayed for in a relationship.
...directly contradicts this one:

Originally Posted by Ewrsw
My fiance has BAD anger issues.
That behaviour doesn't sound like something that you have always dreamed of in a relationship. This sounds like someone who engages in bad behaviour even before the honeymoon has begun. If he feels high levels of anger and says vicious, unjustified things to you while he is still supposed to be courting you, what is he going to be like after the marriage? Is saying vile things to you his idea of courting? And why do you put up with it?

Originally Posted by Ewrsw
I work an extremely large thrift chain and have furnished our condo. I pay him biweekly an agreed amount, groceries, etc. He hits below the belt. And ouch.

Since I'm new to the area and don't know where to go. I don't have much to get me into an apartment if I leave. AND, the only reason keeping me here is my killer job. (Pay not too high, but rewarding). My kids and granddaughter are home in Florida and I don't have a job or apartment to go home to either. And finally, I need to stay until end of February to collect a bonus that I earned from the previous year.
Are you living with him already? Are you saying that you are reluctant to leave because of your job, and because you do not have anywhere that you can easily move to? Surely you can see that these are no reasons at all for staying in a relationship with someone that abuses you?


BW
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Ewrsw #3011484 12/13/19 03:17 AM
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My XH claimed to be Christian. If it was true he would repent of his behavior instead of continuing to indulge. You can tell the tree by its fruits. I’m so sorry you have been suffering, but your suffering is almost over. I think there’s a reason where you came to a site where folks know how to live their values with their loved ones.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 12/13/19 03:18 AM.

Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
After finally overcoming the most tumultuous divorce and watching the impact it had on my now grown children, I am in a relationship and finally engaged.

The person I am involved with is a Christian man. And let me tell you, that is EVERYTHING I've always prayed for in a relationship. He truly loves the Lord and displays that in his daily actions.

I met him in Florida and after much discussion I decided to move up to NY to be with him. He had a business here that he is looking to wind down and sell, then we'll go back to Florida. Meanwhile, I found an amazing job that has not only lifted my spirits, but given me new opportunities that I never imagined could happen to me. (All of the Lord)!

Here's my problem. And I need help desperately because I don't know anybody here and have no one to confide in. My fiance has BAD anger issues. He even displayed them in front of my Mother and Uncle when they were visiting us. He says I don't contribute anything, yet I work an extremely large thrift chain and have furnished our condo. I pay him biweekly an agreed amount, groceries, etc. He hits below the belt. And ouch.

Since I'm new to the area and don't know where to go. I don't have much to get me into an apartment if I leave. AND, the only reason keeping me here is my killer job. (Pay not too high, but rewarding). My kids and granddaughter are home in Florida and I don't have a job or apartment to go home to either. And finally, I need to stay until end of February to collect a bonus that I earned from the previous year.

Can anyone advice? Sorry so long

Are you living with your fiance? Staying in a home where you are subjected to his angry outbursts will make you miserable and unhealthy. If you like NY and want to stay because of the job, get a small place and live there until you collect your bonus. But unless the bonus is worth staying through the winter in the Northeast and away from your family in FL, I recommend just pulling the plug and going back to where your daughter is. You can find another job and place to live. Doing so may sound hard, but it's much harder to live with an angry man.


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Thank you for your reply. I need to do every single thing you said. I'm just do scared because after my divorce, I literally lost everything. My ex is an attorney and fought me like the fire eating dragon that he is. Even with this, I have the Lord. He is my everything. And I do see His blessings in the midst of all of this. My job up here in NY is proof of that. I don't have a job or a place to go back to. I could perhaps stay with my mother in a nearby town and search for a job.
This is so difficult. I feel like a failure. Just because he's a Christian doesn't mean we're right for each other. Is it worth fighting for with the help of counseling?
I went to a new doctor the other day. First visit. The very first thing the nurse asked me was "Have you ever been verbally abused"? My answer is was no because his mother recommended me. But when I told my fiance later that night that was a question, he asked if I think he is verbally abusive. I said yes. Calling me a pig, that I don't contribute anything, that I'm looking for a sugar daddy doesn't help. He didn't see it.
I'm so scared for the future. But all I ever prayed for is to be self sufficient so that nobody can make me feel this way again.


Laura Misa
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Thank you for your reply. I need to do every single thing you said. I'm just do scared because after my divorce, I literally lost everything. My ex is an attorney and fought me like the fire eating dragon that he is. Even with this, I have the Lord. He is my everything. And I do see His blessings in the midst of all of this. My job up here in NY is proof of that. I don't have a job or a place to go back to. I could perhaps stay with my mother in a nearby town and search for a job.
This is so difficult. I feel like a failure. Just because he's a Christian doesn't mean we're right for each other. Is it worth fighting for with the help of counseling?
I went to a new doctor the other day. First visit. The very first thing the nurse asked me was "Have you ever been verbally abused"? My answer is was no because his mother recommended me. But when I told my fiance later that night that was a question, he asked if I think he is verbally abusive. I said yes. Calling me a pig, that I don't contribute anything, that I'm looking for a sugar daddy doesn't help. He didn't see it.
I'm so scared for the future. But all I ever prayed for is to be self sufficient so that nobody can make me feel this way again.


Laura Misa
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Thank you too everybody! I need this, and I need you all.
Yes, I live with him.
And I do believe that I'm here for a reason. My job enables me to work with several local ministries that I can give back to them through my job. We don't have this store in Florida or I'd take anything they had!
I'm flying home next week and will be driving my car up. I don't have very much saved. But I need to try to get a place. Ugh


Laura Misa
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That is so good to hear! Please stick around there’s so much to learn!


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Thank you NewEveryDay. I will stick around! I am here to do things the right way. The last time I was in these discussion rooms, I was overcoming the affair from my husband. I've only been married once. And only divorced under biblical reasons. My life though has been an uphill battle though ever since. I pray this is my time that things will turn around!


Laura Misa
Ewrsw #3011499 12/14/19 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
The last time I was in these discussion rooms, I was overcoming the affair from my husband.
What was your name when you were here before? What years were you here?


BW
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Ewrsw #3011500 12/14/19 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
Calling me a pig, that I don't contribute anything, that I'm looking for a sugar daddy doesn't help. He didn't see it.
This is terrible abuse!

These insults didn't drop out of the air. He's been telling you what he thinks of you. Why have you even stayed this long?


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As difficult as your path appears right now, staying with this man is going to be a living hell for you. You made a mistake in moving away from your home and family to be with this man; the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can move on with your life. Ask for help from your family and friends, if you are having a hard time trying to formulate your next step.


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Hi SugarCane. I was under LJK3 if I remember correctly. It was early 2000's. Maybe 03 to 05. I was on for a long time. that's why I'm here again. You all helped me so much. I can't believe that I'm in another toxic relationship.
Soooo..... He came to pick me up from work (his other car stopped working so we have been temporarily using one car until I bring my car up from Florida in a couple of weeks). I swear I think he may have had a couple of beers. I'm not sure, but he was agitated. But it's as if he was ready to pick a fight. It's the subtle little side looks, the shaking of the head when I talk, the uh huh, yeah under his breath.
We go to the grocery store. We chose a handful of items and go to the check out. He steps aside and looks to me to pay. Ok. Not a super problem. But I left my card and my keys to the store at home earlier, so I couldn't pay. AGAIN with the talking under the breath, the anger was rising up. ( Remember, I don't contribute anything). We go to the car and I finally say "do you want me to write a check for the groceries when we get home"? He said yes. $60 worth of getting all worked up and angry.
I asked him on the way home if when I get back from Florida does he want me to move out. He was like do what you want. I don't care anymore. So there it is. But why? And honestly I it almost doesn't bother me. I mean I was hurt so much by my husband. How can you top that???
Anyway, I'm sitting here next to him and it's uncomfortable at best. I feel paralyzed in a way. If I was only send sufficient. That's my whole caveat



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If you put a frog in a pan of hot water, he jumps out faster than you can blink.

If you put the frog in cold water and gradually turn up the heat, he sits in the pan until he's cooked.

What is the temperature of the water you're in??

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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
I asked him on the way home if when I get back from Florida does he want me to move out. He was like do what you want. I don't care anymore. So there it is.
Why did you ask him if he wants you to move out? Why aren't you moving out regardless?

Can you tell us what your plans are?


BW
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The reason I haven't moved out by now is strictly finances. But she speaking with my Mom, I thin we're going figure it out. We're trying to do the math to see if starting for the bonus is worth staying based upon the expenses that I would incur to move. I'm going to investigate. Strangely enough, one of the ministries I work with is called Mothers in Need of Others. I'm going to check with the director to see if she knows of a reasonable place. Also, because I love this job so much, I'd hate to leave it right now. They've created a position for me and it looks like that position could branch out to something bigger. I hate to jump ship if there's potential for growth. But they just don't have a store in Florida. Maybe I could ask for a transfer in a different state, closer to Florida. But then how do I approach my boss and district boss???
I HAVE to get out and I know this. How to I begin???


Laura Misa
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
The reason I haven't moved out by now is strictly finances.
I wasn't really asking why you haven't moved out already. I wanted to know why you asked him if he wants you to move out. You make it sound as if you haven't decided to leave him.

Have you accepted that you need to end this relationship?

Also, in your replies you seem to be confusing leaving this man with leaving your job. Whenever you are asked about leaving him, you answer by talking about why you don't want to leave your job.However, leaving him and leaving your job are two different things. If you don't want to leave your job, you don't have to - staying in your job has nothing to do with staying in an abusive relationship.

W are trying to get you to focus on leaving this abusive relationship. You need to leave immediately.


BW
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Ok. Thank you. I'm trying. I don't really know why I asked him other than to see if he really meant it. He's so up and down, that I knew if he said it, that helped me in a strange way to make it easier to walk away

And yes I have accepted that I must leave him.

The reason I'm so conflicted in regard to my job is that it's here in NY. I've never been through a winter, I don't know anyone. I know I need to get back to Florida. But this job has given me a chance to show some of the skills I have. When I was in Florida, the pay was minimal. Rent is high. I was overlooked in interviews I believe because I'm 54. Starting over, and the only thing I did over the previous 2 decades was being a flight attendant until my last child was born. Then I stayed home for 20 years until my divorce.

That's why I'm so grateful for this particular job. I'm me again. My confidence is soaring because they trust and believe in me. Somehow I need to find that back home.

Am I making any sense? This is so difficult to get out. My mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts. And I don't want to make the wrong decision.

But I am leaving him!


Laura Misa
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
That's why I'm so grateful for this particular job. I'm me again. My confidence is soaring because they trust and believe in me. Somehow I need to find that back home.
See - you're doing it again. You're talking about not wanting to leave your job when I ask you about leaving that man.

You seem to think that leaving him means giving up your job, but I don't understand why. Surely you must be able to find somewhere to live in NY. You could try living there for a few months or a year while you brush up on the skills that the job offers you, and while you look for another job elsewhere.

I understand that you are dubious about living through a winter in NY, and you also state that you know no-one there - but surely you were planning to live through a winter, and you knew nobody but him, when you made the decision to live there. Are you saying that you were willing to put up with those hardships when you thought you had a relationship with him, but you are not willing to put up with them alone? That's very understandable - but if that's the case, the decision is made. If you are not willing to give it a try for - say - a year on your own while you work towards moving back (and just think: you might even find somewhere decent to live, and make new friends, and enjoy being there), then you will have to give up the job and move back home.

That's the only conflict that you should have; whether to go it alone for a while, or whether to give it up. I would have thought it sensible to go it alone for a while; you don't have much to lose by staying in NY for a while, but you might have a lot to lose if you give up that job and go back to Florida. But that dilemma has nothing to do with your relationship with this man.

The way you keep intertwining the job with the relationship makes me think that your (very understandable) reluctance to give up your job means that you would stay with this man, just to keep the job with all its advantages, rather than have to go back to Florida, with all its disadvantages. And that CANNOT be true. You are surely not considering staying with this man in order to keep that job.

What are your feelings on what I've said?




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So, absolutely no way am I going to stay with this man. And it would be foolish of me to give up the job even though I'm a little nervous and scared.
I spoke with a co-worker and I am going to look at a place near work. Most of my trepidation is because my credit is poor since the divorce. I'm responsible. But when when the ex stopped paying child support and alimony, I lost the house. Remember I didn't work for 20 years, so he used everything right up to just getting his Bar license suspended. I haven't even tried to apply for a credit card since I haven't earned enough to warrant that. That's my whole " rebuilding" thing. I am truly starting from the bottom at age 54.

But I agree. I'm going to stay in NY. Give it a shot and sharpen my skills for when I do go back home.

Did I do better answering your question? Lol. I'm not so great at this. But you all are exactly what I need to hear and grow from!


Laura Misa
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
But I agree. I'm going to stay in NY. Give it a shot and sharpen my skills for when I do go back home.
You need to get out of there quickly. He might be very nasty to you when he realises you have made up your mind. Indeed, given what you've told us about his insults and disregard for you, he might even tell you to get the heck out and throw out your stuff.

When are you looking at the new accommodation?


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I'm going to go tomorrow. But I'm leaving Thursday for two weeks to go back home. He is actually supposed to fly down a few days later to help me drive the car back. I am hoping that I can make arrangements tomorrow, lay low and pray that he doesn't do anything horrible. I will move then into a new place the second week in January, when I get back 🤞


Laura Misa
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
I'm going to go tomorrow. But I'm leaving Thursday for two weeks to go back home. He is actually supposed to fly down a few days later to help me drive the car back. I am hoping that I can make arrangements tomorrow, lay low and pray that he doesn't do anything horrible. I will move then into a new place the second week in January, when I get back 🤞

But please don't give him a hint of your plans. A person with anger issues is not to be trusted. Can you keep up the pretence that all is well until the moment you move out?

Maybe change the car plan to reduce the time you spend with him. You could say you had found a brilliant way to get it to NY without driving it. There are car transporter companies that will move a car on a flatbed for about the same cost as driving it if you include the hotels and food, saves putting the mileage on the car too.

I'm guessing most of the NY Florida traffic is the other way at this time of year so you might get quite a bargain.


3 adult children
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I want to discuss the situation you are in. Why did you move in with him without being married to him?

It might seem, on the face of it, like a lucky escape that you are NOT married to him, because you can leave quickly without any ties. However, it is never a good idea to live with someone who hasn't committed to you. Okay - there is no legal headache when you need to leave, but neither is there any protection for you as things stand. I'm not so worried about his becoming violent, in the sense of physically attacking you, but having read the horrifying things he has called you - a freeloader looking for a sugar daddy - I can't see how he would react to finding out that you want to leave with anything other than spite and anger. Would he give you time to find a place? Would he leave you in peace until you moved out? Or would he verbally abuse you and tell you to get your **** out of his house, and sling it out for you?

You've put your self in a position where you have no rights to the place you live, and no legal protection against being made homeless. You've given up everything in your home state for a precarious existence with a verbal abuser; it's very lucky that you have such a valuable job, and that you can now build on that.

You describe your marriage as having left you with no credit score, no employment skills and no financial assets. Well, now you're in your 50s, and you need to build up all those things for yourself - and you can do that. But you will never do that if you ever again give up your security for a man who offers you nothing, and who lives thousands of miles from your home. That simply wasn't a sensible thing for a divorced 50-something woman to have done.


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Boy are you right. I don't know why I chose to move in with him, not being married to him. But I'm glad now that I didn't jump into marriage. I feel like I've been floundering around for quite a few years now. I guess I wanted to settle down. Again, I know I've failed. And it hurts to say that.
Living_well, I am not going to say anything to him. And I think we would be able to handle the drive back. At least he's not going down to FL with me. I have about a week to myself and the fam.

Right now he is quiet. My Mom spoke with him. (He called her). He said he sorry he had behaved this way and he doesn't know why he acts this way. He says he doesn't want to lose me. My Mom said he could benefit from some anger management counseling. And that she knows her kid, and I will walk.
He later apologized to me. Said he wants to make it work. But I'm already checked out. You all have helped me to see things that I haven't fully dealt with.
Now the bigger question is, what is wrong with me??? Why have I not been able to get it right? Either with someone or alone.


Laura Misa
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
Right now he is quiet. My Mom spoke with him. (He called her). He said he sorry he had behaved this way and he doesn't know why he acts this way. He says he doesn't want to lose me. My Mom said he could benefit from some anger management counseling. And that she knows her kid, and I will walk. .
Why would he have ever had this conversation with your mother? Why would he call his fiancée's MOTHER in Florida to say that he is sorry he behaved that way? He must have called her because he suspects your plans to leave, and he is scoping out how much she knows. For her to have said that "she knows her kid, and I will walk" is worrying. That does not bode well for your being able to keep a lid on your plans.

I'm worried about the way you are handling this. Obviously, it is in your interests to keep quiet about your intentions until you have found a suitable place to live and have moved your car, but from his point of view, he might well be furious. Why should he allow you to use him until you are ready to leave? A few meaningless words and you throw away a whole future - but you want to freeload off him while you set yourself up? Well, you can think again!

THAT might well be how he would see things if your plans are uncovered. I can't emphasise enough the need for you to keep your own, and your mother's mouth SHUT about your strategy.

Originally Posted by Ewrsw
Now the bigger question is, what is wrong with me??? Why have I not been able to get it right? Either with someone or alone.
My dear, there is nothing wrong with you. There is no point in your spending time asking this question. We're all very susceptible to falling in love with someone who meets our most important emotional needs.

I don't know what went wrong in your marriage; it sounds as if there was an affair. That doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you. With this relationship, it seems that you ignored some significant red flags about his abusive language and accusations towards you, and gave up your life in Florida without his commitment to marriage. In future, you need to date several people and not settle on someone who does not take your feelings into account - and do not live with them without the commitment of marriage.


BW
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This forum has probably changed a lot since you were last here (2003-ish). For the last few years it has become a kind of schoolroom where we read and dissect Dr Harley's published work, and digest the advice he gives on the daily radio show. Because we have used it in our own marriages with great success - or we can see where using it, had we known about it, would have made a significant difference - we recommend his advice, and only his, to those that post here.

In this article Fear of Marriage Dr Harley writes:

"...besides logic and passion, there are two other factors that are crucial in creating a successful marriage: Willingness to change and mutual respect.

Joyce and I could never have had a lifetime of love if I had persisted in my pre-marriage attitude of independence. I wanted to live my life the way I saw fit, and I wanted Joyce to join me in my great adventure. But thankfully, that's not the way things turned out. I could not have met Joyce's most important emotional needs and avoided hurting her unless I was willing to change to accommodate her feelings and interests. As you probably know, I'm not a survivalist; I rarely hunt and fish; I don't ride horses and don't play chess anymore. I don't miss any of it because I have something far more important: A great marriage.

The other crucial factor is mutual respect. Almost all premarital counselors would agree that listening to the way an engaged couple discuss a conflict is a great way to predict marital success. If either person expresses disrespect for the other person's opinions or ways of expressing themselves, the risk of divorce after they marry is very great. If, on the other hand, they try to understand each others opinions respectfully, and discuss ways that they can accommodate them, the prognosis is good for a happy marriage
."

I recommend that you read this article to further understand what I mean about walking away from "his abusive language and accusations towards you" and not marrying "someone who does not take your feelings into account".

You would benefit from reading the entire series entitled Preparing for Marriage.


BW
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Remember when I told you that when my mom and Uncle were in town, he displayed his full on anger in front of them. He and my Mom do talk occasionally on the phone. She's been very honest in telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. That he needs anger management counseling. I am thinking he was feeling remorseful and wanted her advice.
I agree that my Mom said too much. I have told her to zip it moving forward. We need to keep it under wraps.

I found an apartment. Looked at it last night. I'm going to be moving in after I get back. Second week in January or first of February. So I'm the meantime I'm being cordial. There's no drama. I'm packing and leaving on two days. So I'm pretty occupied with that and making sure everything is squared away at work. When I get home, I watch a little tv and go to bed.
I lined up people up help me move when I get back. I just haven't told him. And not going to until I return.

And yes, my former husband had an affair. With a 17 year old he was pursuing while he was down in Cuba doing "humanitarian work". He brought her up when she was legal and married her. She's 6 years older than me oldest child. Although we all are doing much better now as a family (the kids and I) but the scars still run deep. But that was then. A long time ago now


Laura Misa
Ewrsw #3011527 12/17/19 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
Remember when I told you that when my mom and Uncle were in town, he displayed his full on anger in front of them. He and my Mom do talk occasionally on the phone. She's been very honest in telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. That he needs anger management counseling. I am thinking he was feeling remorseful and wanted her advice.
I forgot that you told us that. It does explain why he would speak to her.

Originally Posted by Ewrsw
And yes, my former husband had an affair. With a 17 year old he was pursuing while he was down in Cuba doing "humanitarian work". He brought her up when she was legal and married her. She's 6 years older than me oldest child. Although we all are doing much better now as a family (the kids and I) but the scars still run deep. But that was then. A long time ago now
In any future marriage, every decision would be taken using the Policy of Joint Agreement. And one important thing you would have to jointly agree is that you would never spend nights apart.

Affairs are rife in marriages where one spouse works away from home, whether for just a night or two every few weeks, as my husband did, or for long periods of time, as it seems your husband did while doing humanitarian work. Being away from one's spouse and with other people makes it just too easy to let one of those other people meet our emotional needs. All of us would eventually have an affair under those conditions.

Please read
The Love Bank and The Policy of Joint Agreement


BW
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Ewrsw #3011528 12/17/19 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Ewrsw
I found an apartment. Looked at it last night. I'm going to be moving in after I get back. Second week in January or first of February.
I'm really glad to hear this - but why the long gap between the two dates? If it can't be the second week of January, why not the third? Why wait two to three more weeks until February?

I'm really worried about your staying with him for that much longer.


BW
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No, no... I'm just trying to coordinate the logistics. It could be sooner. This is happening. The complex offers a generous discount for the first 3 months in a little sliding scale.

It's just that my head is swirling. No joke. I have a surgery scheduled the second week of January. I plan to push back. (carpel tunnel).

I have one month exactly before a major fashion show that is happening at my work due to my planning, and their faith in me to pull it off.

I know you remind me that I bring things back to work, but this is what's going on. I'm building relationships in the community. And ask if this stuff is happening at once!!!

I'm OUT. Not lying. Scared as all get out. I haven't told my kids. Really not planning to right now. But this is what's happening, all the while trying to fly down and spend the holidays with my babies


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Thank you. And I will.


Laura Misa
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