Found out tonight that my husband has been with at least one young lady. I can't stop shaking. My body is trembling and jiggling the computer as I type.

Yeah, it's the end. I was faithful for 10 years. I went through things that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I kept thinking that I could change and fix it. At least now, after 10 long years, I can finally say....the problem wasn't me.

Waking up to this nightmare. 2 hours of sleep. Still shaky. Kids are off to school, 2 stayed home with me.

I don't know what the next step is.

I read his messages here and they're just.... they're so silly.

I need to get checked for STDs. I'm a mess.

Hi AHersheyKiss

I am so sorry this has happened. Sending you a huge HUG. You were so kind to me in my hour of need.

I am sure one of the experts will be along to help you shortly.

Thank you, cool. And sorry I quit replying to your thread. My husband's responses on here were just too much. The things he said were disgusting and untrue. I couldn't bear to reply to you at the time he was saying those things.

In a way this is the best thing that ever could have happened because now I can stop kicking this dead horse. It still doesn't take the pain away.

When did this happen, and how did you find it out? And what is the state of the marriage now? In his last posts, he seemed to think you were ending things. Has he now given up on the marriage?

It happened after we had been separated for a year. He pursued a young lady at his work. I don't want to say how I found out because I don't want him to read it. But the evidence is solid and he admitted it.

I wasn't ending things at that time. I had paused the program because he wouldn't follow POJA and it was too painful for me. Now that I know he had an affair after I stayed in 3 different shelters for an entire year while pregnant with my 6th child (all because he wouldn't move out of the house we needed to stay, or work on himself in any way), and after waiting and praying and hoping that he was going to say he had a change of heart and that he wanted to be better, I'm done.

He didn't disclose the affair before he moved closer to me. He denied ever being unfaithful to me. I wouldn't have encouraged him to move closer to us had I known - and he knew that. He vehemently denied it until I told him what I knew.

And I've always known, man. I've always known. I just didn't have proof.

The only reason he moved down here is because I told him I felt like a friendship with a male tutor was crossing the line. I asked my husband if he could meet my emotional need for conversation, because I was so, so lonely. It was only at this time that he decided he was ready to step up to the plate and be a husband and father. After he had been with a young lady. Only because of a threat that I might go to another man's house to listen to his music.

I'm very, very done with my marriage. I'm done reading that my behavior is abhorrent, that I'm a tyrant. I'm done listening to how awful I am.

SugarCane, what you wrote in his thread brings me to tears. You really see exactly what I went through with this man. Your words meant so much to me. They gave me great strength and I re-read them many times.

You can see how he didn't respond. This was the nature of our relationship. After a point, he would stop responding. Now I know that he was just so so guilty. Too guilty to face me. Or if it wasn't guilt...I don't know what it was. Pride and refusal to be wrong? I don't know. I just know that I have flushed 10 years of my life down the drain, bore 4 of his children, and had two miscarriages and did it all alone. I did it for a man who demanded that I fix myself, but had sex with at least one other female. While telling me I'm crazy, controlling, and neurotic. While complaining about our "mediocre" sex life and dropping other such hints that he was comparing me to someone else. I'm so done. He could change tomorrow and be the best man in the world. I will never. EVER. Try again. We are through.

He gives up on the marriage when I do. So yes, he has given up too. He needs a lot of positive reinforcement to want to decide to pursue things. If he's not getting it, he stops pursuing it and goes elsewhere.

Oh. And he blamed our separation for his cheating - because marriage builders said that it creates an environment where cheating can occur.

He twists everything good and makes it evil.

Did he ever try with the marriage after my last post to him, or did he just let things lie?

Did he show any signs of doing this?

Not in the slightest. He tried to start up a couple light hearted conversations with me which I ignored. I wasn't going to let him fill my love bank without a commitment to POJA. I am *SO* happy I did this now. As much as I'm reeling right now, I would likely have been close to suicidal if I had found out while I was gaga over him.

My jaw is just shaking and shaking. I am so torn up over this.

Has he been making any attempts to win you back now that this has come to light?

Have you any idea whether he is still in contact with this woman?

No the most he did was ask if I wanted to come over and talk about it. IE come over and have makeup sex. No thanks, bud. He's not the type to pursue a woman if he thinks she doesn't like him. He has too much pride for that. So he won't pursue me. Even if he does, I'm through. He can't change my mind.

He very well may have been in contact with her the whole time. I'll never know. He regularly erased his phone and computer, as well as wouldn't give me the passwords to anything. I told him I needed that transparency but he flat out refused. I only wonder how many more affairs there have been. I'm so disgusted.

I can't wait for the lawyer to call me back.

So what do you know about the affair? Who was she (Married? A colleague?), and where was he living when it happened? (e.g. - was it before he moved? Don't tell us the location.) For how long did it go on?

Are you coping with studying? Are you coping with looking after the kids? Do you have arrangements for him to see the kids? Are you managing not to fall apart?

Blonde, younger than him, they were in a relationship when he transferred to VA. Those are the details I know so far. I think more details will be popping up soon from different sources.

My 8 week classes start in a week or two. I'm a little scared I won't be able to handle it. I chose to forgo in-person classes for online classes to decrease my husband's insecurity; the man who asked me to listen to the music he was making in his apartment attends the in-person college. I'm really kicking myself about that now because I don't learn well by myself. In person classes help my grades immensely. I don't know how I will cope.

I'm just crying and shaking off and on but going through waves of numbness. Appetite disappeared.

He wants the kids for the weekend on Friday. I've definitely been crying in front of the kids. But I also feel oddly industrious at times. So I think I'll be able to keep up with housework and stuff. I can't wait to go outside and get some fresh air. I'm stuck inside with the two little ones and have been all week.

I'm asking these questions because we on the forum know that an affair is not always a reason to end a marriage. Many of us have weighed up the gains and losses and decided to give recovery a try. However, possibly the biggest single deciding factors are kind of spouse we were dealing with before D Day, the kind of spouse we are dealing with after it, and the needs of the children. It can be very hard to walk away from the structure that has supported us and the kids - the marriage itself. Walking away would be such a life-changing decision for everyone.

However, yours was an unusual set-up and you (specifically you) were self-sufficient and had a promising future with or without him, before the affair broke. If he is not even trying to win you back, it's hard to see what there is for you to return to.

"However, yours was an unusual set-up and you (specifically you) were self-sufficient and had a promising future with or without him, before the affair broke. If he is not even trying to win you back, it's hard to see what there is for you to return to."

I agree. Things would be different if I were dealing with a man who didn't know any better. But I was dealing with a man who never wanted me, resented me, and twisted the marriage builders rules to try to convince me that I was at fault.

I took the blame and tried to change in so many ways and for so long. I'm done doing that. I can't wait to be free of the hell that I kept telling myself could get better if I only tried harder and showed him that there was a better way.

Are you keeping you coach informed of these developments? Does she have any advice?

Yes we are in touch. No advice yet, just questions.

I don't think I'd take advice about the relationship at this point. Just advice about self care and how to move forward without him. I'm really here to vent. I had isolated myself again. My home had (yet again) become the prison in which I wait for my knight in shining armor to come home, hoping he had been faithful to me while he was out. ....Never again.

My kids were crying with me this morning. I hate what he has done to our family.

I went to sleep at 11 and was up at 1:30. I can't sleep. I didn't eat yesterday. I'm in so much pain. I just want it to end.

Morning AHersheyKiss

Sending you a huge virtual hug from the UK. I am actually in total awe of you, coping with your children and dealing with this situation.

Be strong lady you know you can do this.

I remember those nights when I just couldn’t sleep I just use to get up make myself a good old cup of British tea and get on with my day.

Will check in on you.

Thank you, cool. You don't know how much your words mean to me.

I saw a husband and wife at the store today. The man acted impatient with his wife and practically yelled in frustration. It reminded me of my husband and I couldn't help it - I started sobbing.

I saw another couple. Matching white hair and perfect teeth (dentures), smiling and giggling with each other. The husband pulled his wife close to his mouth to say something under his breath in her ear. They broke out in hearty belly laughs. That's all I ever wanted.

I can't believe he did this to me and to his kids. I can't believe he lied about it and tricked me into trying again. I can't believe he blamed me for having sex with her. I can't believe I forfeit a $2,500 scholarship (which I desperately need) to be considerate of his feelings. I can't believe any of this.

I had some suicidal thoughts today. I'm not suicidal. But I want out.

Hi Hershey

Good to hear from you. I relate to everything you say above.

The part about noticing other couples and how you wanted the happiness that you see in others. Doesn’t really feel like your asking for much:(

I hate the fact that BF did this to the kids too, what are they thinking in their right mind? Have they ever been in their right mind?

I have had suicidal thoughts too, only to escape the pain though. However, we know our children love and need us too much and at some point we have a great life just waiting for us out there to grab, so why in heck let one man ruin this hey?!

Lady you have got this. More hugs your way.

The weather is so awful here it has just rained and rained. Hope you are having better weather across the pond?

CoolB

Your response made me cry. I really wasn't asking for much.

The weather is stupid here, too. It sucks.

Hugs back. I know you're confused about what to with your BF. I'll write you on your thread.

Have a good cry it’s a good stress release! I cried all last night and this morning, feel better tonight.

Not so much confused about BF just incredibly hurt and destroyed about it all. Hey I am just gonna stick to my plan B letter.

I hope you get some good rest tonight as I know you had a bad night. Make time for a hot bath and nice clean PJs always helps me have a good nights sleep.

Hopefully one of the experts will be along to chat to you soon.

Take care...

Are you saying your WH was in a relationship with the woman he had an affair with? Was this before you were together?

Is she married or have a boyfriend now?

He called her a "jumper". He said it "wasn't meant to last". He seems to do that though. It looks to me like he has sex with people and when they don't want a relationship with him, he says they were just a fling.

It apparently happened sometime after we separated in January 2017 - 2 short years after we were married in November 2014. He was gone during most of our marriage so I speculate he wasn't faithful then, either. I moved to Kentucky in Oct. 2017. He left for VA in Oct. 2018. That's all the information I have.

I have zero faith that he cut her off completely after his move to Kentucky in October 2019.

I’m so sorry for your pain.

Do you plan to expose the affair? Do you have the OW’s name?

I exposed to his family and my family knows. I do not know her name.

Thank you so much for your replies. It helps so much to know y'all are listening.

My dad is trying to help and I'm so glad I have his listening ear, but I don't like his advice to start dating right away.

I do want to. I feel like I deserve it and it would keep my mind in a positive state. I've been faithful for so long despite so much adversity and we were separated for 3 years now. I have turned over every rock looking for solutions to our problems and I now know that I am not the problem. I couldn't be sure until now.

But the problem with my dad's advice is that he thinks I should date *now*, now. Before the divorce is final. His reasoning is that if I explain my story to a man, they will understand that my marriage is definitely over. This is where I don't know if I agree with his advice. That is exactly what my husband told this young lady! He told her we were separated and that he was free to move on. He sold it. She bought it.

I feel like any man who would accept my story and date me before the divorce is finalized is a man I shouldn't trust. I'm not going to tolerate a man who is "separated, but done".

In my dad's defense, I *was* telling him I wanted to die. So surely he just wants me to do anything that would lead me away from suicide. And again, I'm not really suicidal. I'm just so done with my life.

Hey Hershey

How you feeling today? Did you have a better nights sleep?

Your instincts are absolutely right. You have drawn a line under your marriage but that does not mean you have recovered from the trauma. That will take you a long time. Indeed Dr Harley advises mothers of young children to stay single until the children are adults. Blended families are very fragile and have a high failure rate. The last thing your children need is a revolving door of step fathers.

Moreover another mistake would be an unimaginable nightmare for you.