I get the concept but that’s not how my brain or emotions work. I don’t want to be with a heartless nutcase. This is a pattern with my BS. It’s not just this affair. It’s how he’s been since the beginning. He’s very narcissistic and has impulse and moral issues. It isn’t just this. I have never met anyone like him. My safety is at stake here. I have to see actual changes and accepting responsibility or I’m filing for divorce. That’s how it goes. I do not and honestly never have felt safe with my spouse.

I’m open to trying Dr. Harley’s method but it’s not the only way to deal with grief. I know for a fact I’m suffering from PTSD. Love doesn’t fix that. There’s not enough good feelings my husband can give me to heal the trauma he’s caused me for 20 years. Our issues go deeper than this affair. It’s just the recent trigger.

Tonight we are reading another chapter together. Going out to eat and shopping for a much needed ceiling fan. That’s my break away from the crazy. I would be lying to you all if I said seeing his cheating face doesn’t trigger me because it does.

I hope this method works for us but if it doesn’t I’m moving on to counseling that deals with infidelity and individual counseling that deals with trauma. I have to overcome past abuse from him as well. It’s a long road ahead and like I’ve said many times before. I will save myself before I save this marriage. I have done everything I possibly could do. I feel at peace knowing that.

We are getting new numbers. Social media will be shut down. We are still working on the work phone issue and might have to involve his boss. My spouse knows that if there is one slip up we’re over. He has no other chances. That’s just the way it is. In the end I know I will be fine if I focus on self care and safety.

Tabby, that is not "Dr Harley's method," that is just basic psychology. That is how it works. However, if he has damaged you beyond repair over 20 years, I am wondering why you are going forward with this? You do understand you have the choice to just get divorced, right?

After an affair, Dr Harley recommends Plan B if the wayward spouse does not end his affair and/or does not fully participate in recovery. If he won't commit to recovery, Dr Harley would tell you to go into Plan B to protect yourself.

I’m not sure what the comment that’s not Dr. Harley’s method it’s just basic psychology is referring to or means. What I’m saying is love doesn’t fix psychological issues or trauma. I know I have to reach out for help through meds and therapy. Affairs cause trauma and it compounds trauma that’s already there as well.

I did get to see a psychiatrist on Monday and I was put on antidepressants. He said it’s clearly depression along with CPTSD. So I’m looking for a trauma recovery specialist. I also found an affair recovery program locally that suits my needs.

I’m taking my time on making a decision on what to do. My WS is aware that plan B is an option I’m leaning toward. This week I’m choosing self care and choosing the when, where, and how I want contact if any for now. I must get my mental health in order or I’m no good to myself or others.

I wasn't aware you had been diagnosed with psychological problems, Tabby. I was referring to the psychological trauma that comes from an affair. That IS reversed by creating a happy, romantic marriage.


That is great news. Best of luck to you..