My husband of 26 years has used pornography and lied to cover it up for several years now. I first discovered it over 10 years ago. At that time, he was very remorseful and repentant and made strides to be more open. Throughout the years, I have sensed it happening again and found evidence of it on his pc and most recently on his iPad, etc. Each time I would confront him with the evidence of website searches, history, photos, etc and each time he would deny usage or say it was from a previous time. He would tell me that I was being paranoid and that I was the one causing issues by not trusting him. The next to last time I confronted him he asked specifically where I was finding evidence and I showed him a little known file on his iPad where website data is stored. Since then that data has been cleared daily and all history is wiped. He is also using Private Browsing mode for all searches. I confronted him about this last week and after much angst, he admitted that he still uses the porn. But, in his words, it was not a big deal, he could stop any time and he didn’t use it to masturbate. He said he did that alone in the shower because he didn’t want to bother me and he didn’t have the time or energy to pursue me late at night when he was tired. He said the porn usage was only every other month or so but the masturbation was more often. Our sex life is basically non-existent because basically he doesn’t act interested. He also admitted that the times in the past when I have confronted about usage he lied to cover it up. I am devastated. I knew it all along but somehow having him admit it and the lies is just worse. Now, I am confronted with making a decision to either ignore and move on or to draw a line. I keep wondering if I should. He is a good husband, a great father, a wonderful provider. I love him very much but his betrayal and lies and the porn use/masturbation have driven a deep wedge between us. It’s all I think about when we are together and I feel very ashamed and embarrassed by it. But, I know if I make a big deal out of it things will get really ugly around here for a while. Is the history that we have and his recent admissions enough to constitute an addiction on his part or am I making too much of this?

Heather, you are not making too much of this at all. Porn use has a devastating effect on marriages because it ruins sexual fulfillment. You are essentially competing with 18 yr old porn stars. You have probably even tried to overlook in the past and have been unable to do it. It will always make you unhappy as it does most women.

The reason he has not given it up in the past is because his easy access to porn has never removed. He is the alcoholic who still goes into the bar every day. The key is to stay out of the bar. Whatever means he uses to watch porn should be removed. If he uses an ipad, then he should get rid of it. If he uses a computer, he should never use it without you. Or you can put a program on it that will stop him from watching porn. There are many solutions.

But this is the key: remove the opportunity to watch porn...

Please read this: ADDICTION TO PORNOGRAPHY
What to Do When Your Spouse
Has an Addiction to Pornography

I can imagine how my wife would respond if I said that to her. She would tell me that she's glad I can stop any time, because it is a very big deal to her and hurts her so dearly for me to use pornography that I can't keep living with her if I continue to use it.

You are not making a big deal out of this. In fact, you need to make a bigger deal out of it.
Listen to your feelings on this. His porn use is hurting you terribly. Your marriage is suffering.
You will not be able to change those feelings long term. It will continue to eat away at you until you have had enough and are beyond willing to save the marriage.


Read about The Policy of Radical Honesty and The Policy of Joint Agreement. Ask your husband if he is willing to follow these policies to protect you and to protect your marriage, which means he will be willing to do whatever it takes to stop all porn use. His reaction to these policies will be very telling. If he is willing to follow them, your marriage has a bright future. If he shows any resistance, then you will know that his addiction means more to him than you or your marriage.

This is purely self-centered logic.
It is based on the idea that the potential problem is that having an addiction may be harming himself. He doesn't feel harm, he likes it very much.
But that is not the problem here. The problem is that his behavior (addiction or not) is harming you.

If he wants to care for you and not just himself, he will say "I see that this is a big deal to you, and I will stop. If I can't stop on my own, I will get help."

Here’s another great article and some radio clips Dr Harley on the Scourge of Pornography