MelodyLane, Thanks again.

My IM (my relative) did a great job. He is a man of very very few words. I gave him all the tips from this forum. Of anyone we know, my WH probably trusts the IM the most and would consider him the most reasonable person. As I expected, my husband didn't react angrily at all (my WH is very avoidant of negative emotions thanks to his mother), but he emailed the IM to say, very cordially, that he doesn't want to talk about kids and finances through a 3rd party. Then, he emailed directly to me to say the same: "as i had stated previously, I don’t agree to share emails through someone else. I’m sorry. We are going to need to communicate about the kids directly no matter what." Then he answered my questions to me via email instead of through the IM. That is probably the angriest that he has ever been with me by saying "no matter what". It's very sad, actually, that he can't even be angry about this like most other human beings would be.

Unfortunately, i hadn't forwarded his emails to IM yet. But I plan to do that now.

Would this be an appropriate response from IM to my WH? --> "I understand your wish about not talking through a 3rd party, however, [your betrayed wife] is not getting your emails, she has forwarded them to me and auto deletes due to the reasons outlined in her letter to you. I suggested that she cc'ing you so that you are aware that your emails are forwarded." Then my IM will will reask the questions to my WH. Any other advice on how to handle my WH resistance on this?

Also, since the PBL, my WH cc'ing me on his emails to the kids where he provides instructions or reminds them about the plans he has for them (which are within the standard visitation schedule). He has never done this before, in fact, he has not included me ever on any sort of email or text to them since we separated. It doesn't bother me as long as he isn't directly communicating about the kids about schedule changes but it seems tricky that all of a sudden, he is bringing me into the fold.. I also plan to ask my IM to tell my WH to make sure that he doesn't email the kids with any changes to schedule or plans without consulting with me first via the IM. Since I am forwarding and deleting his emails, i won't be seeing these anyway. Should I address this any differently?

Do you have any recollection that a Plan B situation (not interacting with the parent of my children) will play out poorly for me in a custody situation? Quite frankly, not speaking to him has been the best thing that has happened to me in 2.5 years since this madness has started. I feel like a totally reborn woman, glorious and radiant, that I don't have to deal with his self-centeredness. And, due to his difficult personal crisis
and being completely unaware of the tsumani he has caused in the lives of our entire immediate and extended family, he isn't really capable of providing any emotional support to my kids at this time. I have plenty of texts and emails to prove this. In fact, his actions are the source of my kids current emotional trauma so the only reason to talk to him about my kids emotional state would be shining a light on what he is doing wrong. So, quite frankly, it must be a relief for him to not have to speak to me any more about the kids.

I would not forward his emails. I would delete them. Your IM could say:

"I understand your wish about not talking through a 3rd party, however, [your betrayed wife] is not getting your emails, she forwarded them to me and auto deletes due to the reasons outlined in her letter to you. If you want to get a message to her it must come through me. Thank you."

LF, it is extremely important that you not read his emails. They must be deleted and not read. After your IM sends him the message above, I would completely ignore him until he complies.




Delete and don't read.


We have had occasional judges that forced direct contact but it is very rare as long as you can demonstrate a method of communication, which you can. Just stand strong and don't allow him to bully you! This is all about loss of control over you, so it is real important that you stand your ground. You are doing great, but be sure to not read his emails and do not forward to him. He must contact your IM directly.

Ok the IM did as you suggested. WH is now communicating via IM. No anger or voiced frustration. My blood pressure and heart rate are way down. Using new found energy to put toward me, kids and job.

I didn’t hear from AP contacts. His parents and brother love in only happy thoughts, just like my husband, so no help there. I have no feedback from any of our friends except that he is done with our relationship which all agree that we are in different places (meaning not on the same rung of the ladder and he doesn’t want to grow and change to meet me where I am at). I can’t imagine how long I can do this for but for now will be taking it one day at a time.

It’s our 18 wedding anniversary on Monday. I am taking my kids and traveling to my mothers and will visit with her and my brothers family. It’s heart wrenching to think about where our marriage has landed and that the day is meaningless for us. I have to figure out how to get through the day in a way that honors me. Any suggestions would be welcome.

What does Steve advise on workplace exposure?

Been in Plan B since July 6. Got my husband talking through IM as of 7/30. I went away for the weekend with my kids. WH ended up showing up to the house when my cleaning lady was at the house and took at least one item that was his. At that time, WH found out that I changed garage code. He doesn't have house key. He emailed IM to ask for garage code via IM citing that he wanted to work out of our marital home during a time when his new home was experiencing a power outage. I delayed my response until his power was back on and I deflected. He then texted me, i deleted without reading and ignored. He then asked IM to ask me "for garage code or key. if I do not get a reply, then i will assume she has decided to lock me out of the house".

Do I ignore?
Or do I respond and say something along the lines of you don't want to live here anymore. We pay for two houses, one for me and one for you. I don't understand why you want access to this house any longer.

Thoughts?

LF, I would block him on your phone so you don't see these messages. I would also ask your IM to not give you the full text of his messages, He needs to tell you in his words. Please plug up these holes so you don't ever see any messages from him.

I would also tell your cleaning lady that he is not to be in the home. She needs to lock the house when she is there and not answer if he comes over. This is a pretty classic trick of a WS to just wander in when you are home. You don't want that to happen.

Just tell your IM to tell him you won't be giving him the garage code.