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#3013881 09/05/20 06:55 AM
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Hi everyone, I'm new here, but felt like this was a good place to get some very good opinions.

I'm not going to give an introduction or anything like that, as I am limited for time. Shortly though, my name is Cody, I'm 30, one step son (12), one biological(2.5). My wife and I have been together for 10 years (Married for 5).

Okay so here's the situation.

I am the sole bread-winner, supporting a family of 4 on $17.08/hr

I am all for spending time with my wife and kids, that's why I started a family... But now, it's to the point where I am not allowed to go out alone. If I simply ask to go fly my drone (by myself) she gets personally offended and acts like I just asked her to kiss another female. If I am trying to edit said drone pictures on my laptop then I'm ignoring her for my laptop, and if I try to post those pics anywhere (not IG as I'm not allowed to have one of those either) then I am ignoring her for my phone. She's worried I'm going to use my drone to look for girls in bikinis.

Her new phrase is, "phone, drone, laptop is all that's important to you"

I haven't even begun to explain friends and how I don't have any.

I have been forced to push all my old friends away (the same people I grew up with). I went to a private Christian School my entire life, and had the same 20 friends the entire time... Now, however I'm not allowed to talk to them. Using the word allowed would upset my wife, but when I get attitude for texting a friend from 15 years ago, how else should I perceive that, other than not being allowed. "Attitude" can be anything from rolling her eyes to full blown smacking the face of my phone saying, "everybody else is more important than me!"

I have ONE friend, that I met at work in January 2020. Him and I have become BEST OF FRIENDS, people at work think we are related, it's like that. However, if I text him outside of work, i get something like, "you spend all day with him, why do you have to text him outside of work? Don't you see each other enough?" Remember, this is the only friend I have right now.

Forget trying to go hang out with anybody. That is "ignoring" her.


Which brings me to my next point, ignoring.

If I do anything besides sit and wait for input from her, I'm ignoring her.



She's awake now, and I can't let her know I'm doing this. Sorry for cutting it short.


Thanks for any help!

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Ok, so your wife feels ignored. What are you doing to change that? A complaint is an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage.

In your case, it appears your wife feels very neglected by you. Would you agree with that assessment?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This might be a CLUE ----------------> "everybody else is more important than me!"<---------------CLUE


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
I have ONE friend, that I met at work in January 2020. Him and I have become BEST OF FRIENDS, people at work think we are related, it's like that. However, if I text him outside of work, i get something like, "you spend all day with him, why do you have to text him outside of work? Don't you see each other enough?" Remember, this is the only friend I have right now.
Well, that right there is weird. What do you and this friend DO to be so close that people think you are related? I've actually never heard anyone garner such a reaction from people at work.

I work in an organisation where I have come across people who ARE related. I know a brother and sister, and I know parents who have obtained work for their children - many cases. I've known people to get married through my workplace. I myself am married to someone I met in a previous workplace many moons ago. But people behave professionally with their friends and relatives at work, and I've never heard the phrase "so close that people think we are related".

If you can't see how odd your description of that relationship is, it's likely that you cannot see how your wife sees your other relationships.

I don't think the problem lies with her.


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Okay, let me clear some things up, because like I said, I had to cut it short yesterday.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
...

Firstly, if you find it normal that somebody could tell their spouse they are not allowed to go hang out with friends after work then... We are already light years apart.

Secondly, my coworker and I work on the same "team" inside of one "family". There are 1000+ employees where I work; over 200 in my department. Out of 200 people there are about 40 in my "family", and about 10 on my "team". My friend and I are basically inseparable wherever we go. Break, lunch, meeting, anything, we go together.

We both have a deathwish, we both are very unhappy in our marriage, and we both are sticking it out for the kids. We both were abandoned by our parents, we both have siblings that couldn't care less about us, we both have worked since we were 14, and we both have been in a relationship for 10 years. We are both in dire straits financially, have 2 kids that are similar ages, and started with our current company about the same time. We both get treated poorly at work and look kind of similar.

If you know anything about fiberglass, we are laminators for a large boat company.

If you've never heard the term, "brother from another mother" or "separated at birth", I want to know where the rock you've been living under is located please, as I could use a little vacay.



Now that that is out of the way...

Here's some more important information.

We have never watched Jumanji (the new one) because of the short shorts the main actress is wearing. Suicide Squad causes fights, forget anything like GoT or Baywatch...
If we are watching anything and a pretty woman comes on screen, I better look away, or we will be arguing the rest of the night. Wait, I'm 30 years old and can't watch R rated movies without feeling like I'm 12 sitting next to my mom? That's on me? How so? Please help me understand.

I am forced to pretend no other female exists on the planet. If we are in the grocery store and there is a blonde cashier, I have to leave. If I don't, I will be accused of "wanting her" for simply speaking with her during the transaction. If I am going in to the gas station by myself (a rare occurrence) and she sees a young female cashier her words to me would be, "have fun!" As she proceeds to throw my wallet at me, roll her eyes, and turn her back to me.

So I can't have friends, I can't go anywhere alone, I can't look around when we are outside, I haven't flown my drone in weeks because I feel bad for making her sit in the car with no AC but I cant go fly alone, Heaven forbid!
If we are driving around and a female uses the crosswalk I better look down, or risk having her throw my hand from hers, and giving me the cold shoulder the rest of the car ride.
I am not taking about staring, I'm taking about looking at the person crossing the road for 1 second to make sure they are off the road.
If I am trying to pull out in to traffic, watching the cars coming, and a "cute blonde" is driving the car I happen to pullout behind... I did it on purpose, waited specifically for that car.





Here's what I did to "cause this"...
NINE YEARS AGO, I was texting another female behind her back... Nine, years, ago. She agreed then to forgive, not forget of course, but still throws it in my face as the reason she doesn't trust me.



Will I ever be trusted?










@melody lane
I am sure she feels neglected, that's her biggest complaint. However, it's a farce, because I do no such thing.
I ask her if she would like to go to the beach, no... The store, why, to see that blonde again? Asked if she wants to go to her mom's house, nope because she thinks I want to be with her sister.

We have not had a "date" in over 2 years because we have nobody to watch our youngest. She doesn't trust anybody to watch him, and so we literally never leave the house. I do for work, and we go get groceries, but that's it.

She doesn't want to go hang out with her friends because then I am home alone and who knows what I might do. I can't give her time off from the kids, offering to take them anywhere, because I'm using them to get women to come talk to me.

I have stopped pursuing my online degree because she felt neglected for my laptop. I have done this three times now. I have given up on marketing my drone business for the same reason.

She is a stay at home mom, yet our house is a disaster.




Again, she's waking up, I can explain more tomorrow if need be.



Thanks so far, I would love to save our marriage, just don't see it happening without counseling, which she is also against.

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Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
Okay, let me clear some things up, because like I said, I had to cut it short yesterday.

Firstly, if you find it normal that somebody could tell their spouse they are not allowed to go hang out with friends after work then... We are already light years apart.

Secondly, my coworker and I work on the same "team" inside of one "family". There are 1000+ employees where I work; over 200 in my department. Out of 200 people there are about 40 in my "family", and about 10 on my "team". My friend and I are basically inseparable wherever we go. Break, lunch, meeting, anything, we go together.

We both have a deathwish, we both are very unhappy in our relationship, and we both are sticking it out for the kids. We both were abandoned by our parents, we both have siblings that couldn't care less about us, we both have worked since we were 14, and we both have been in a relationship for 10 years. We are both in dire straits financially, have 2 kids that are similar ages, and started with our current company about the same time. We both get treated poorly at work, even though we work harder than 99% of everybody else there, and look kind of similar.

If you know anything about Boats, we are laminators.

If you've never heard the term, "brother from another mother" or "separated at birth", I want to know where the rock you've been living under is located please, as I could use a little vacay.



Now that that is out of the way...

Here's some more important information.

We have never watched Jumanji (the new one) because of the short shorts the main actress is wearing. Suicide Squad causes fights, forget anything like GoT...
If we are watching anything and a pretty woman comes on screen, I better look away, or we will be arguing the rest of the night. Wait, I'm 30 years old and can't watch R rated movies without feeling like I'm 12 sitting next to my mom? That's on me? How so?

I am forced to pretend no other female exists on the planet. If we are in the grocery store and there is a blonde cashier, I have to leave. If I don't, I will be accused of "wanting her" for simply speaking with her during the transaction. If I am going in to the gas station by myself (a rare occurrence) and she sees a young female cashier her words to me would be, "have fun!" As she proceeds to throw my wallet at me, roll her eyes, and turn her back to me.

So I can't have friends, I can't go anywhere alone, I can't look around when we are outside, I haven't flown my drone in weeks because I feel bad for making her sit in the car with no AC but I cant go fly alone, heaven forbid!
How is any of this on me?





Here's what I did to "cause this"...
NINE YEARS AGO, I was texting another called behind her back... Nine, years, ago. She agreed then to forgive, not forget of course, but still throws it in my face as the reason she doesn't trust me.



Will I ever be trusted?










@melody lane
I am sure she feels neglected, that's her biggest complaint. However, it's a farce, because I do no such thing.
I am her if she would like to go to the beach, no... The store, why, to see that blonde again? Asked if she wants to go to her mom's house, nope because she thinks I want her sister.

We have not had a "date" in over 2 years because we have nobody to watch our youngest. She doesn't trust anybody to watch him, and so we literally never leave the house. I do for work, and we go get groceries, but that's it.

She doesn't way to go hang out with her friends because then I am home alone and who knows what I might do. I can't give her time off from the kids, offering to take them anywhere, because I'm using them to get women to come talk to me.

I have stopped pursuing my online degree because she felt neglected for my laptop. I have done this three times now. I have given up on marketing my drone business for the same reason.

She is a stay at home mom, yet our house is a disaster.




Again, she's waking up, I can explain more tomorrow.
You describe someone who is off-the-charts strange, bizarre, anti-social, uncaring, cruel, and lacking any capacity to reason with or understand other people - you, especially. I can't help but feel that you are posting such a picture of complete madness so that we here will say "divorce her". Is that the advice you're after?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
Okay, let me clear some things up, because like I said, I had to cut it short yesterday.

Firstly, if you find it normal that somebody could tell their spouse they are not allowed to go hang out with friends after work then... We are already light years apart.

Secondly, my coworker and I work on the same "team" inside of one "family". There are 1000+ employees where I work; over 200 in my department. Out of 200 people there are about 40 in my "family", and about 10 on my "team". My friend and I are basically inseparable wherever we go. Break, lunch, meeting, anything, we go together.

We both have a deathwish, we both are very unhappy in our relationship, and we both are sticking it out for the kids. We both were abandoned by our parents, we both have siblings that couldn't care less about us, we both have worked since we were 14, and we both have been in a relationship for 10 years. We are both in dire straits financially, have 2 kids that are similar ages, and started with our current company about the same time. We both get treated poorly at work, even though we work harder than 99% of everybody else there, and look kind of similar.

If you know anything about Boats, we are laminators.

If you've never heard the term, "brother from another mother" or "separated at birth", I want to know where the rock you've been living under is located please, as I could use a little vacay.



Now that that is out of the way...

Here's some more important information.

We have never watched Jumanji (the new one) because of the short shorts the main actress is wearing. Suicide Squad causes fights, forget anything like GoT...
If we are watching anything and a pretty woman comes on screen, I better look away, or we will be arguing the rest of the night. Wait, I'm 30 years old and can't watch R rated movies without feeling like I'm 12 sitting next to my mom? That's on me? How so?

I am forced to pretend no other female exists on the planet. If we are in the grocery store and there is a blonde cashier, I have to leave. If I don't, I will be accused of "wanting her" for simply speaking with her during the transaction. If I am going in to the gas station by myself (a rare occurrence) and she sees a young female cashier her words to me would be, "have fun!" As she proceeds to throw my wallet at me, roll her eyes, and turn her back to me.

So I can't have friends, I can't go anywhere alone, I can't look around when we are outside, I haven't flown my drone in weeks because I feel bad for making her sit in the car with no AC but I cant go fly alone, heaven forbid!
How is any of this on me?





Here's what I did to "cause this"...
NINE YEARS AGO, I was texting another called behind her back... Nine, years, ago. She agreed then to forgive, not forget of course, but still throws it in my face as the reason she doesn't trust me.



Will I ever be trusted?










@melody lane
I am sure she feels neglected, that's her biggest complaint. However, it's a farce, because I do no such thing.
I am her if she would like to go to the beach, no... The store, why, to see that blonde again? Asked if she wants to go to her mom's house, nope because she thinks I want her sister.

We have not had a "date" in over 2 years because we have nobody to watch our youngest. She doesn't trust anybody to watch him, and so we literally never leave the house. I do for work, and we go get groceries, but that's it.

She doesn't way to go hang out with her friends because then I am home alone and who knows what I might do. I can't give her time off from the kids, offering to take them anywhere, because I'm using them to get women to come talk to me.

I have stopped pursuing my online degree because she felt neglected for my laptop. I have done this three times now. I have given up on marketing my drone business for the same reason.

She is a stay at home mom, yet our house is a disaster.




Again, she's waking up, I can explain more tomorrow.
You describe someone who is off-the-charts strange, bizarre, anti-social, uncaring, cruel, and lacking any capacity to reason with or understand other people - you, especially. I can't help but feel that you are posting such a picture of complete madness so that we here will say "divorce her". Is that the advice you're after?
Can you please elaborate?

Strange: sure, we all are in our own way

Bizarre: see above

Anti-social: I want nothing more than to be more social, but I am barred from doing so

Uncaring: Please explain after reading how I've given up everything that means anything to me, for her.

Cruel: see above

No capacity to reason: I am listening, please explain.

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Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
My friend and I are basically inseparable wherever we go. Break, lunch, meeting, anything, we go together.

We both have a deathwish, we both are very unhappy in our relationship, and we both are sticking it out for the kids. We both were abandoned by our parents, we both have siblings that couldn't care less about us, we both have worked since we were 14, and we both have been in a relationship for 10 years. We are both in dire straits financially, have 2 kids that are similar ages, and started with our current company about the same time. We both get treated poorly at work, even though we work harder than 99% of everybody else there, and look kind of similar.

If you know anything about Boats, we are laminators.

If you've never heard the term, "brother from another mother" or "separated at birth", I want to know where the rock you've been living under is located please, as I could use a little vacay.
Like I said: weird. If you can't see how strange it is to be "basically inseparable" from a colleague who is not your wife, then you have a major problem with forming appropriate relationships.

When people use the phrase "brother from another mother" they use it lightheartedly to describe people who have a few key features in common. It's a joke phrase - NOT used to describe a relationship of "inseparability" formed by someone who is married and has a family at home, who has worked with a colleague since the beginning of the year and who cannot be parted from them, and who, having spent all day being "inseparable" from them, texts them from home in the evening. That's what people do when they fall in love with a colleague. That is NOT what they should do when they are married. If you can't see how wrong your relationship is for someone who is married, I can see that your wife has a serious problem with you.


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Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
Can you please elaborate?

Strange: sure, we all are in our own way

Bizarre: see above

Anti-social: I want nothing more than to be more social, but I am barred from doing so

Uncaring: Please explain after reading how I've given up everything that means anything to me, for her.

Cruel: see above

No capacity to reason: I am listening, please explain.
When I used those words I was describing HER (according to what you have written) not you.

I am asking: if she is a bizarre and cruel as you describe, are you here looking for advice to divorce her? Do you really need anyone to advise you to do that?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You describe someone who is off-the-charts bizarre, anti-social, uncaring, cruel, and lacking any capacity to reason with or understand other people - you, especially. I can't help but feel that you are posting such a picture of complete madness so that we here will say "divorce her". Is that the advice you're after?

I reread your post.


I get what you are saying now.


Yes, that is her. All of the above.

I'm looking to save my marriage though. Is it even possible?



Sorry for the confusion.

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
My friend and I are basically inseparable wherever we go. Break, lunch, meeting, anything, we go together.

We both have a deathwish, we both are very unhappy in our relationship, and we both are sticking it out for the kids. We both were abandoned by our parents, we both have siblings that couldn't care less about us, we both have worked since we were 14, and we both have been in a relationship for 10 years. We are both in dire straits financially, have 2 kids that are similar ages, and started with our current company about the same time. We both get treated poorly at work, even though we work harder than 99% of everybody else there, and look kind of similar.

If you know anything about Boats, we are laminators.

If you've never heard the term, "brother from another mother" or "separated at birth", I want to know where the rock you've been living under is located please, as I could use a little vacay.
Like I said: weird. If you can't see how strange it is to be "basically inseparable" from a colleague who is not your wife, then you have a major problem with forming appropriate relationships.

When people use the phrase "brother from another mother" they use it lightheartedly to describe people who have a few key features in common. It's a joke phrase - NOT used to describe a relationship of "inseparability" formed by someone who is married and has a family at home, who has worked with a colleague since the beginning of the year and who cannot be parted from them, and who, having spent all day being "inseparable" from them, texts them from home in the evening. That's what people do when they fall in love with a colleague. That is NOT what they should do when they are married. If you can't see how wrong your relationship is for someone who is married, I can see that your wife has a serious problem with you.
So on this point. I attached so strongly to my coworker because him and I are going through the EXACT same things in life. Most of everything I've written for me, he could use for him.

We both work very hard, are undervalued, outperform everybody we work with and take pride in "being the best". I can't explain how we connected so quickly but it seemed like I had known him my whole life.

He's the only person to ever have my exact same taste in music, my same work ethic, going through a divorce, with 2 kids, struggling to support his family, always neglected by anyone he's ever loved...

I really, REALLY needed a friend when I met him, and he is my ONLY friend, so I still don't see how our interaction is strange.


What I DO find strange is that I have no other friends because she feels threatened by them. If I could have other friends, I wouldn't rely on the ONE I have, so heavily.

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Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
I'm looking to save my marriage though. Is it even possible?
Yes it's possible, but it would involve your listening to her complaints and trying to understand her perspective rather than doing what you've done here, which is to hold the conviction that she's mad, irrational, cruel and completely incomprehensible.

If she really is those things then she has some sort of disorder. It is unlikely that she could have ever built a relationship with you to the point that you fell in love and married her. It is likely that she is dangerous and should not have the care of your two children.

If that's really who you are married to then you need to get her away from the children in order to protect them from her undoubted abuse. Trying to fix the marriage is a non-starter.

However, since I don't think you can see yourself at all clearly, I think you cannot see that you cause problems for her on a daily basis. You dismiss these problems as being down to her madness instead of being down to you. Her reactions are possibly well over the top, but this is because, from minimising the impact of texting another woman years ago (and what else have you done that you are dismissing as irrelevant?) to having a wholly inappropriate relationship with a colleague, to having a selfish hobby that takes you away from her, to who know what else, you have dismissed her concerns and acted as if your marriage is a prison.

Dr Harley's Marriage Builders programme is about building loving, romantic marriages in which the spouses are interdependent. They don't have "inseparable" best friends at work and they do not text those inseparable best friends at home. In a Marriage Builders marriage, the person you are "inseparable" from is your spouse. Your hobbies are those that you enjoy doing together, that allow you to talk intimately to each other, show affection to each other and build sexual feelings so that your sexual relationship is good also. They are not activities that one spouse might find nerdy, solitary, anti-social and obsessive. If that's how your wife sees your drone hobby, that hobby should have never become a hobby at all.

I doubt that your wife developed the feeling that you are looking at other women on the street and in the shops all by her mad self. Okay she might have done, but how did you come to marry her? It's much more likely that you do actually do these things and that you are unaware of the fact, and you are dismissive of how this affects her.

There's more, but my overall point is that, from the hasty descriptions you've given us, I can see that you are a major factor in your wife's unhappiness, and you can't see that at all. Your lack of insight and self-awareness is stunning.

If you want to improve your marriage, you'll need to post here about all your problems and LISTEN to the advice you're given, rather than asking people what rock they've been living under.


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Originally Posted by itsneedtokno
...going through a divorce...
Just to clarify: are you going through a divorce? You posted in the Divorcing forum. Have you filed?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Yes it's possible, but it would involve your listening to her complaints and trying to understand her perspective rather than doing what you've done here, which is to hold the conviction that she's mad, irrational, cruel and completely incomprehensible.
I never once said those things, until you brought them up.
But please explain to me how anything I've explained about her is "rational".

Originally Posted by SugarCane
If she really is those things then she has some sort of disorder. It is unlikely that she could have ever built a relationship with you to the point that you fell in love and married her. It is likely that she is dangerous and should not have the care of your two children.
You are probably right, but she refuses to be seen by a doctor, so the world may never know. (Mental illness does run in her family) and my fear of the retaliation I, or the kids, might see is 99% of the reason I'm still in this relationship.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
If that's really who you are married to then you need to get her away from the children in order to protect them from her undoubted abuse. Trying to fix the marriage is a non-starter.
Thanks for the solid advice

Originally Posted by SugarCane
However, since I don't think you can see yourself at all clearly, I think you cannot see that you cause problems for her on a daily basis. You dismiss these problems as being down to her madness instead of being down to you. Her reactions are possibly well over the top, but this is because, from minimising the impact of texting another woman years ago (and what else have you done that you are dismissing as irrelevant?)

When she caught me texting another woman, she threw my phone at me, breaking the phone and bruising my cheek. I stupidly asked for a second chance. Then about a year later she found pornography on our PC, I admitted fault, and asked for forgiveness.

Those are the ONLY two incidents in our marriage.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
to having a wholly inappropriate relationship with a colleague

This wholly inappropriate friendship you keep going on about is the only reason I am here today. My friend saved my life. I was ready to walk out on my family, ready to go skydiving with no parachute, ready for everything to be over, awaiting death... I met him, we talked, here I am today. If that doesn't deserve to have him elevated to a couple steps above friend, I don't know what to do. I STILL can't see the problem with one man having a brotherly relationship with another. I have one real blood brother (as does he) but my brother refuses to acknowledge my existence (as does his)... He is my replacement brother.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
to having a selfish hobby that takes you away from her

So every married person who chooses Photography as a hobby is being selfish? You lost me here.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
to who know what else

We got married while addicted to heroin. We were addicts for 5 years before we were married, and after about a year got clean. We have been sober for 4 years.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
you have dismissed her concerns and acted as if your marriage is a prison.

What about my concerns? I do feel as though I am in a prison. I guess in reality, I want out, not to fix things.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
They are not activities that one spouse might find nerdy, solitary, anti-social and obsessive. If that's how your wife sees your drone hobby, that hobby should have never become a hobby at all.

By this logic, no married person is entitled to their own opinion. Also, by this logic, individuality becomes null and void. So if I enjoy exercising, riding my bike in the morning, I am being selfish for doing so, if she doesn't join me? If I am awake before anybody else in the house, but decide to get some pictures with my camera, of the river 5 minutes away, I'm being selfish?

So again, all hobbies then are selfish. Unless it is a couple's hobby. Which then, why would there be things called she sheds and man caves... To get that alone time, that homosapiens need.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
I doubt that your wife developed the feeling that you are looking at other women on the street and in the shops all by her mad self. Okay she might have done, but how did you come to marry her? It's much more likely that you do actually do these things and that you are unaware of the fact, and you are dismissive of how this affects her.

No, I actually risk my life, her life and my kids lives when pulling in to traffic now, just to avoid "looking too hard". I glance quickly and hope for the best most of the time. Sometimes, if I know there is a female crossing the road in the direction that I need to look to check if I am clear .. I'll just pull out without looking at all, as I am tired of fighting about looking here or there.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
There's more, but my overall point is that, from the hasty descriptions you've given us, I can see that you are a major factor in your wife's unhappiness, and you can't see that at all. Your lack of insight and self-awareness is stunning.

At this point yes, I am sure I contribute, but it hasn't always been this way. I married her because it was "the right thing to do" after 5 years. I realize now, that was a mistake..

Originally Posted by SugarCane
If you want to improve your marriage, you'll need to post here about all your problems and LISTEN to the advice you're given, rather than asking people what rock they've been living under.

That part about the rock, wasn't meant to be offensive, I just wouldn't mind getting away from everything for a while.

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itsneedtokno, everything that comes BEFORE your marriage, will eventually come between you, as you can see. Your friendship and hobby both come before your marriage. If you put the same care and effort into your marriage that your put in your friendship, you would have a great marriage. If you neglected your friendship in the same way you neglect your marriage, you would have no friendship. Just think on that. It's like owning a house but never doing any upkeep. Eventually the house crumbles and falls apart. That is what is happening here.

The problem is not your wife, but your approach to marriage. If you get divorced, you will take this same approach into your next marriage. Since she is the mother of your children, why not change that approach in this marriage? You can fix this marriage, if you both change your approach to marriage.

Addicts and alcoholics have a tendency towards very independent behavior which wrecks marriages. You don't have to be one of those casualties if you can learn from your mistakes and make course corrections. We can help you do that.





"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I find it difficult to respond to posts that focus on individual sentences and pull them apart. I find your responses exhausting in their attention to specific words and detail, and lack of ability to see the wood for the trees - your inability to see the general points I am making because you take issue with the minutiae of what I've written.

I don't know you. You came here a few days ago with a hastily-written outline of your marriage that you abandoned because your wife was waking up. You added a few more details the next day, but again abandoned your post because you had no privacy to write more. I've been trying to respond to the impression you have given and to show you how someone who is not you, and who does not live inside your head, sees your descriptions of both yourself and your wife. You seem to have been unable to see what I am trying to get you to do, which is to step outside your head and see what your behaviour might feel like to your wife.

You have added some important details, such as the fact that both of you were heroin addicts when you met, but on the whole, you have distorted and ridiculed what I have said, such as about hobbies. I never said or implied that all hobbies are selfish...but your interest seems to be in defending what you do as normal and reasonable, instead of trying to learn (from Dr Harley's concepts) about how your marriage could be infinitely better.

Have you read any of Dr Harley's writings (available free on this site) about marriage? The regular posters on this site, such as I, post here because we want and have worked towards the vision of marriage that he proposes. Are you aware of his basic concepts, the Policy of joint Agreement, the concept of Emotional Needs, and what he says about recreational activities?



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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In addition to the above articles have you read Basic Concepts


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I apologise if my posts felt hypercritical. I felt personally attacked, and like, "well but wait, they only know my side, why are they defending her?!" It's an old mindset (an addict mindset) that I am trying to work out of, and have been for years.

I sincerely appreciate the help. I kept reading and re-reading our back and forth and have now seen how it is not all on her as I originally had thought.

There are still concepts i can not seem to grasp for the life of me, but from here I am going to take you (and others) advice, and read up on some of Dr. Harley's articles.


Have a great day!



P.S. Expect a much more detailed (bi-lateral) viewpoint after I have read the articles!

Thanks so far

Last edited by itsneedtokno; 09/08/20 04:49 AM.
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I can see now that my priorities are not right. As I mentioned in above post, I am going to be reading some articles on this website, then posting with a better mindset of what a partnership means (I must have lost sight of that along the way).


I feel like I definitely have things to work on also, hopefully me working on mine, will help initiate her working on hers.

Thanks for chiming in!

Have a great day!


Talk soon!

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Are you and your wife in NA? Do you go to NA meetings? Do you have a sponsor?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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